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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How many chances to 'get the hang of it'?

28 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 08/01/2024 18:34

I've started seeing someone. A few drink and dinner dates, dog walks and first had sex on Christmas eve. He's very kind and attentive, shows an interest in my work and hobbies and even bought me a token Christmas present though we hadn't been dating long.

Cut to the chase...the sex is meh.

He just doesn't seem to do foreplay...or definitely not enough to get me there first. We've had sex a few times now and I'd say it's probably a 50% success rate which is really not good enough.

I have hinted, I have encouraged when he does something I like, I have moved his hands, I have explicitly said 'I need xyz' and he just doesn't do it?!
To give him the absolute benefit of the doubt, I said after the last time, 'You know I didn't come ?' and he replied 'I tried'. I beg to differ.

I haven't had a specific conversation outside the bedroom and I'm not due to see him for another week but I'm not even sure I want to.

He's not inexperienced. He was with his ex for 10 years and I know it takes time to get used to a new partner and I wouldn't mind if I felt like he was at least taking the time to work out what I like and it was a technique thing.

I suppose I'm just surprised that someone who seems generous and kind in other aspects is coming across very selfish.

Throw him back? Or one last ditch attempt?

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 08/01/2024 21:49

EarthSight · 08/01/2024 21:33

I have hinted, I have encouraged when he does something I like, I have moved his hands, I have explicitly said 'I need xyz' and he just doesn't do it

He's not that bothered OP because there isn't really anything in it for him. A good man should feel turned on by the thought of his partner having an orgasm (without putting her under pressure either), and he doesn't sound like one of those men.

I'd say he's testing how much he can get away with now, in the early stages, and you're not that special for him to make any extra effort anyway (no shade on you).

This

Original poster

TooManyAnimals94 · 08/01/2024 21:51

Sphynxcatenthusiast · 08/01/2024 21:47

I would be asking myself “ what sort of person enjoys sex, knowing their partner isn’t ?”
That would turn me right off.

Op, the problem with having a conversation about it when he already believes he’s trying, ( even if he isn’t ) is that it can end up causing stress and anxiety the next time you both try for a night of passion.

The expectation of being able to perform to a standard will turn you both off.

So, really, I’m saying I don’t think it will work if you need to have a discussion about it.
This is something he should be doing without needing coaching.
A caring partner wouldn’t be selfish in bed.

You say he’s kind and attentive in other aspects of your relationship but you actually don’t know him yet.

It could be a mask which drops during sex when he gets carried away by his hormones.

Yeah you're completely right in that I don't know him well. I suppose it just seems at odds with what I'd expect a selfish lover to be like.
But it probably is easier to mask if he sees that as a way to get what he wants.
Either way, I think I have to ask him. My own curiosity in what is going on in his strange man brain 😂

OP posts:

EarthSight · 08/01/2024 22:02

I think it's a bit pointless asking him OP. You're going to be doing that to try and understand him, but honesty is not going to get him what he wants. He wants to carry on doing as he's doing now. He's not exactly going to turn around and say 'I'm on my best behaviour because I want to carry on having you as my casual shag friend / girlfriend-for-now-before-someone-I-like-better-arrives', or 'Can't you just be grateful that I'm trying at all - other men are really shit in bed. I'm amazing in comparison'.

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