I would just like peoples opinions on this, thanks x

[emlouba]

Hello

I recently had a lovely baby in august, before that and when he came everything was lovely and good.

My partner was helpful and helped a lot, which was because he was off work. Anyway he returned to work, and I get he's hard working and I am on maternity leave.
However I find myself having to do everything, I sort of feel like a maid! Not only do I have the baby all day which i absolutely love, I'm not complaining but my partner seems to think I sit around and do nothing all day, my baby is more needy now- doesn't like being put down for too long, he loves attention, but I also have to keep house tidy and clean, my partner got a cleaner for Fridays which I didn't ask for, he decided this, but he seems to think the house stays clean and tidy until the Friday after she's been, he doesn't notice I keep it that way, I do alot of washing and put it all away, I do lovely dinners for when he's home, I always bath the children (my baby and 8 year old) he never does. I clean and sterilise the bottles every single night, he never does, I make his work lunches every night. I'm not complaining at all, I just do all this.

However the past two months, he has become quite angry and over reacts about tiny little things then ignores me for days - which is awful for me, I hate arguing, I feel like I need to walk on egg shells in everything I say! Anyway he has started a new diet (very into the gym and way he looks) and my maternity pay has started to statuary pay so my income from work is 3 times less than it usually is, so I said I won't be able to get all the meat and would need a little help if he wants me to buy all the food each week he needs for the diet, he started making comments like well you have parcels coming (the baby's new clothes which he grows out of very fast) which are cheap from h&m nothing expensive. Then he went on saying 'wish you'd make all my diet food' then made a comment after saying 'I wouldn't dare ask you to do anything for me' then went on to say 'what do you actually do for me?' He said this about 5 times in a row I then listed the endless things I do for him, every time he's hungry im up making him snacks also along with all the other things, I said I also look after 'our' son all day I get him to sleep every night, whilst you go off to the gym for 2 hours every single night. He then said 'so how does that benefit me' I then said I don't mind making you a lunch like I always do, but I shouldn't have to measure all your meals out for you for your diet - I don't have the time and I shouldn't be your maid !
He's being so nasty atm with hurtful comments and making me feel worthless like I do nothing at all. He's not not speaking to me today, it always comes back on me somehow. I think he's taking steroids or something again, as not normal the way he reacts or speaks to me right now.

Is this right? Am I wrong? It's hard to see when he makes me feel like this, thank you x

I also said I do all the washing and out it all away which is fine and I would do anyway - but he has started a huge pile of clothes he gets off hanger and chucks in this big pile and he expects me to put it all away which I'm not, but that was another dig saying 'you barely put my things away' which I do with clean washing but I'm not tidying his mess he always makes up it's not fair on me.

he sounds very unkind. i’d be considering whether he was bringing anything other than a paycheck to the table.

@carrotsnparsnips yes this is what it feels like, I ended up saying and what do you do for me?
And he said 'i put a roof over your head'
He doesn't let me pay any of the bills, which I have always offers and it's like he chucks it in my face? I can't do right! X

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

It’s not you, it’s him. He sees you as nothing more than a servant. He is also behaving abusively towards you both emotionally and financially and so this is no environment either to be raising children in. Is the eldest child his too?. This relationship is really over all in all but name now due to the abuse he meets out whilst he swans around acting like a single man.

What support do you have around you?. I would look into planning an exit from this with due care and attention. What is the situation re the property and finances, do you actually have direct access to money?. I would contact Women’s Aid here as they can and will advise you further.

It’s deliberate of him also to not let you pay any of the bills, he really does not want to share at all nor to allow you to make any claim on “his” money.

Is the eight year old his, or yours? He sounds like your boyfriend who doesn’t appreciate family life at all. He’s also a gym rat obsessed with body building so he may also be taking steroids. This may lead to aggression.

Raise your bar @emlouba !!!

He is abusing you.
Simply that.
Make plans and leave.

No so my lovely 8 year old daughter is mine, I've been with my partner since she was 3, so he's been in her life for a long time, he is amazing with her. Just not so much with me lately!
I have been thinking to leave, and find our own place, it's just so difficult with money.

It's just so strange as it's only been like this the past two months, everything was lovely before this. He denies taking anything but do think he is.

It is confusing he's never acted in a similar way in the 5 years prior to this. Are you sure, or were there maybe smaller signs?
I have read that often abuse starts during pregnancy or after birth of 1st child together though, so it fits that. Not sure what the psychology behind that is however.

Women in poor relationships write such comments when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Pregnancy and birth are furthermore flashpoints for abusers to start showing their true selves.

He is not amazing with your daughter because he abuses you as her mother. He is also sending her mixed messages by being constantly nasty to you as her mum. This type of crap really screws people up.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what is she in particular learning here?. She is learning fro: you that currently this treatment of you is somehow acceptable to you. Would you want her to be in a relationship like this, no you would not and you would want better for her. Plan your exit and seek help from Women’s Aid in order to further facilitate this.

@emlouba all I can say is that it's going to be very very hard going longer term if the whole relationship is based on 'what are you doing for me' - your answer should be 'apart from work, what are you doing for me' ! Because an awful lot of guys seem to think if they are working reasonably hard and bringing in cash - that they need to do sod all else. Can you imagine if most partnered up working women felt that way, families and homes would in so many cases cease to function

@emlouba ah I see you said that already and his response was predictable as I guessed. Look at moving on- sorry if he's that thick it won't get better.

When do you go back to work?

Make sure you go back full time to maximise your earnings.

I would then be getting my ducks in a row and working out how to leave as quickly as possible.

He's 100% taking steroids. He needs to admit this to you. It isn't fair and he is being absolutely horrible. It sounds like you do far more for him than the norm which is up to you but he is taking this for granted. What a dick. Did you discuss his use of steroids when he took them before? Did he admit that they made his behaviour change?

The thing to be doing when you move in with someone without protection of marriage, who owns their house and doesn't let you pay bills, is save all the money you would of put towards bills. That way you can to a degree protect yourself should something like this occur.
If you haven't done this you have put yourself in a vulnerable position, especially by having a DC with him.
Perhaps consider returning to work earlier and get saving as much as you can for your future. Also, the longer you take mat leave, the more he gets used to the idea that everything is your job. Once back at work, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on and should be doing his own washing and food like most grown adults do.

Stop making his lunches, he's not appreciating it and thinks it's your job. Now he's making digs that you should be preparing all his foods! And he sods off to the gym for 2 hours every single night? Did you ask him when you get 2 hours to yourself every day?

Maybe just say to him, if you are taking steroids or something, you should know they are having a huge negative affect on your mood as you have been nasty, horrible and disrespectful to me for the last couple of months and newsflash, if it carries on, I won't be here anymore and you'll have to abuse someone else.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I am going to try and her back to work a little earlier and start saving my money and leave. I can't live my life like this and I have my kids to think of. I grew up in a home my dad being horrible to my mum and it was awful, I remember everything and I want different for my kids.

He will never admit he's taking steroids - he has been like this before but more just ignoring me. I think now I have his baby and living in a home where I don't have to pay, he thinks he can control my life by assuming I will be his maid.

I'm upset this has happened but it can't go on you are all so right xx

you are doing the right thing. The steroid use alone would be a hard no from me, let alone all the other abuse. ‘Roid Rage is real.

Yes it's horrible and that's why he's not telling as he knows I will not be happy or agree with it at all. It's so selfish and he will lose his family over it

He sounds horrible! I think go back to work and ditch his miserable arse. He make his own damned lunches then!

He really is being so horrible to me. Makes me feel so worthless and all I'm good for is slaving on him! It's such a shame but if he can't see any wrong in himself lately then he's delusional. I 100% it's the steroids as been only for the past two months, he thinks I was born yesterday x

Is he jealous of new baby, can't cope with being put down the importance rankings. Has it just sunk into his brain that new baby is permanent and life will never be the same again? Plus the steroids and gym obsession make it difficult to react reasonably.

I had never heard of this 'roid rage' so did a quick google. It didn't take long to find someone who killed his family due to steriod abuse. I think you need to be making a plan to leave in any case but be on the lookout for the behaviour escalating and have a back up plan in mind for that. If he touches you even once I would in the circumstances view this as a serious escalation and leave as an emergency. It's much better for you to be alive and sleeping on a friend or relative's floor than to be dead.

I think I would go through his phone. Sudden prickishness, new baby and new focus on his looks could mean he’s dining out.

I have been tempted to go in his phone, but I know it would come back on me, like I am insecure or I don't trust him etc etc! He called me insecure the other day over something. More I think about it the more I see he's actually so awful.

He's ignored me all day too, hasn't contacted me once- how is this me? He's been horrible to me yet he's not talking to me for going to bed as he said some hurtful things