I would just like peoples opinions on this, thanks x

[emlouba]

Hello

I recently had a lovely baby in august, before that and when he came everything was lovely and good.

My partner was helpful and helped a lot, which was because he was off work. Anyway he returned to work, and I get he's hard working and I am on maternity leave.
However I find myself having to do everything, I sort of feel like a maid! Not only do I have the baby all day which i absolutely love, I'm not complaining but my partner seems to think I sit around and do nothing all day, my baby is more needy now- doesn't like being put down for too long, he loves attention, but I also have to keep house tidy and clean, my partner got a cleaner for Fridays which I didn't ask for, he decided this, but he seems to think the house stays clean and tidy until the Friday after she's been, he doesn't notice I keep it that way, I do alot of washing and put it all away, I do lovely dinners for when he's home, I always bath the children (my baby and 8 year old) he never does. I clean and sterilise the bottles every single night, he never does, I make his work lunches every night. I'm not complaining at all, I just do all this.

However the past two months, he has become quite angry and over reacts about tiny little things then ignores me for days - which is awful for me, I hate arguing, I feel like I need to walk on egg shells in everything I say! Anyway he has started a new diet (very into the gym and way he looks) and my maternity pay has started to statuary pay so my income from work is 3 times less than it usually is, so I said I won't be able to get all the meat and would need a little help if he wants me to buy all the food each week he needs for the diet, he started making comments like well you have parcels coming (the baby's new clothes which he grows out of very fast) which are cheap from h&m nothing expensive. Then he went on saying 'wish you'd make all my diet food' then made a comment after saying 'I wouldn't dare ask you to do anything for me' then went on to say 'what do you actually do for me?' He said this about 5 times in a row I then listed the endless things I do for him, every time he's hungry im up making him snacks also along with all the other things, I said I also look after 'our' son all day I get him to sleep every night, whilst you go off to the gym for 2 hours every single night. He then said 'so how does that benefit me' I then said I don't mind making you a lunch like I always do, but I shouldn't have to measure all your meals out for you for your diet - I don't have the time and I shouldn't be your maid !
He's being so nasty atm with hurtful comments and making me feel worthless like I do nothing at all. He's not not speaking to me today, it always comes back on me somehow. I think he's taking steroids or something again, as not normal the way he reacts or speaks to me right now.

Is this right? Am I wrong? It's hard to see when he makes me feel like this, thank you x

He sounds like an utter arsehole

Do you have any friends or family you could go and stay with while you work out a more permanent move? What's the situation with the current home, is it rented? I know you feel confused, and this is not what you want but watching your fathers behaviour to your mother maybe makes this feel familiar and "normal" for you in some way. It is not acceptable.

I'd be out of there as soon as it's safely possible, Women's Aid might be a helpful contact.

It's common for abuse to start in or after pregnancy.

So sorry to hear you are going through this, you are defo not the issue at all, you above and beyond for him. I would seriously start planning your exit strategy and emotionally detaching from him.

I don't know about steroid abuse but my first thought when you listed new attention to how he looks, suddenly keen on a gym body, out for hours every evening, constantly putting you down and undermining you etc, was another woman.

Especially after a new baby, he thinks he has a 'house-keeper for life' and you can't leave because your maternity pay is down to the basics.

Not allowing you to pay any bills means there will be no paper trail of you contributing to the household.

You are definitely doing the right thing, OP. Protect yourself and your dcs. Return to work, full time, asap. Be ready for him to react badly to that. He may refuse to pay half of nursery fees but don't let that stop you. You must get to the point you can provide yourself with a home if he tells you to leave.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 🙁

Thank you I know it's all really crap!
He's been into the gym since I have known him! I know he defo goes gym, he's home doing nothing on the other times! I'm just really sad this has happened, if I said about how I felt etc he would just call me a baby - that's what he does! I can't have any feelings lately!

Sudden interest in how he looks and daily gym visits.
Change in attitude towards you - you don't apparently do anything for him, generally horrible towards you.
Making out like he 'keeps' you, as though you owe him something.

Sorry but it sounds like he has had his head turned.
Either he is having an affair or he has someone in mind up for the role.

Classic sign of re-writing history. If he can convince himself you are a horrible useless wife who doesn't care about him, and is draining his resources, he will feel less guilty when he cheats (as it'll all be your fault of course).

I'd be going through his phone. Fuck what he says about you being insecure if he finds out.
You're not insecure, he is treating you like shit and you simply want to know why.

@Bookworm20 you're right, I'm going to look at it - hopefully his password is the same. He does actually dress in nice clothes for gym and aftershave - but if I called him he always answers! So im not sure, but maybe has interest in else where.

It's horrible too as after a baby it takes a while to want to be intimate again like before, and we have been but no where near as much, when he treats me so rudely - I don't see how he thinks I'd want to.

Steroid abuse will also kill the sex. Stop worrying about his response to you. The guy is awful. He uses language only to attack you. You will not change his mind and make him a good person.

It sounds like another woman to me. The classic script is putting the wife down and convincing himself she is worthless. That justifies his actions you see. I don't know anything about steroids but they sound dangerous.

Either way, I advise you to leave this relationship.

Yes it could be another woman however I don't know how he would find the time? He's always home! If not at the gym, I don't know I think i will go in his phone anyway. He's horrible at the moment! He's being so awful, just got home from work and hasn't said a word to me! Not sure wtf he thinks I've done! Xx

Your DH is a bit manipulative and unkind, just because he works full time it doesn’t mean he’s free of all other things, as looking after kids is also a full time job. I went back to work full time after a year on mat leave, my partner is looking after our child full time now, as soon as I get in the door from work, I pick her up, play with her, do bath and bed time to give him some time to sit down, although he never does sit down as there are other things always to be done like dinner, admin, etc., but this is what parenting is- team work.
Only someone who has looked after a child full time would be able to understand what it’s really like being at home with them.

@RadRad I know it's hard work, it's also a full time job, and I know none of my 'expected jobs' won't change when I go back to work! He thinks his job is so much more than mine because I work at home but I still have deadlines etc!
He never baths our baby, puts him to bed, or does washes and sterilises his bottles. He will feed him a bottle but that's because he can sit there on his phone whilst doing it!

how do you know for sure he’s actually going to the gym when he says he’s going to the gym? although like others said, it doesn’t really matter either way you need to get away from this horrid man.

Is he taking steroids? His behaviour is disgusting.

We have babies the same age, and kindly OP, tell him to go fuck himself.

You tell him you are not his mummy, his maid or his chef. He's a big grown boy and he can do it himself.

You also tell him if the relationship continues to be one sided, you will leave and you will co parent amicably.

You tell also tell him he's on a 3 month probation and if he doesn't get his act together he's gone.

😂

Just read you also think steroids. Such ahsame he is treating you so badly at a time when you should be feeling so happy as a new family of four and you enjoying your maternity with your new baby, youl never get this time back and he's ruining it. I'd be stopping making his lunch for a start, if he can't treat you with respect then why should you go above and beyond for him.

You take care of you and the children. Do nothing more for him.

Thank you everyone I will, he's gone to a personal training session but I think i might wait and talk to him tomorrow as I'm too angry today - I feel drained I just want to go to bed!
He's made me feel so shit!
I defo think he's taking steroids I don't know how to prove it though, it's so obvious he is tho, as suddenly started this diet and personal training - we are supposed to be going to Dubai in may, and it's all for that! It's just a massive sudden change of his personality in a month. I can't think of it being anything else, if there is another woman I will be amazed as he's hid it very well. I think I will go in his phone though to rule this out x

@Ejismyf I know it's awful- I feel so down the past month and I'm supposed to be feeling very happy - if I say this though he will say 'so why are you with me' he would never say I'm so sorry for making you feel this way! He can't see any wrong in himself lately - which is why I think steroids - they made him very careless in past which is what I think he's being like now!

Always on his phone? Another woman? His behaviour appears to be following The Script.

If it is steroids do you have anywhere (family) where you can go? If it’s an affair he is putting you at risk of STDs.

He isn’t a good father btw - he’s a shitty father. Sorry you are in this situation.

When he's on his phone it's always videos on Instagram and tiktok he's watching. I want to go through his phone but im scared he will wake up or see me!
We had an argument when he got home - tried talking but no reasoning with him, I ended up crying saying how fed up I feel and he only ever makes me feel worse and I went upstairs and he said he's sleeping on sofa! Didnt even care I was crying