60 and still envious of a friend

[Ittakeslonger]

Please help I would like strategies to cope with my feelings towards a close friend I've had since my late 20s. I'm 60. I only see my friend every few weeks but we message daily. Her messages are making me feel lousy about my life as she's always doing something exciting or important, admirable or wholesome and is very blessed in that she enjoys almost everything she does. We started at pretty much the same place in life over 30 years ago but she has surpassed me in everyway; she's more successful in her career, has a more beautiful house, better social life, holidays, does exciting ventures, her children are happier and more settled, she has an easier relationship with her husband, has retired on a big pension (when I don't know when we will be able to retire) and has much more expendable income.. the list goes on. She also likes to make her exciting wholesome busy life known on Facebook. I know there is always going to be someone else who is more successful in someway but our daily communication and our history makes it hard to not notice and compare and It makes me feel inferior and a failure in comparison. She's just lost loads of weight (while I've gained ) and she's currently in the process of trying to sell and move to a bigger even more beautiful house in the country and is messaging me about the progress she's making. My life is quite hard at the moment because of my son's mental illness and it's hard to join in with her excitement about her new project. I am trying to reduce communication by not messaging so much but she keeps asking why I'm so quiet. I have tried changing things in my own life to make my own life better but I ended up changing to a worse job and I am restrained by my caring responsibilities. It feels so childish at 60 to feel so envious but it's even affecting my dreams. Any ideas please?

Ah that’s sounds tough and I bet most people would feel that way too. She sounds a bit full of herself and insensitive really. I assume she knows your situation. Does she ask you about you?

Messaging daily seems a bit excessive imo but have you always done that? I would do as you’re doing and reduce contact to maybe once/twice a week and just let her know that you’ve got stuff going on and need to concentrate on that. No need for explanation. Or if you are that close, can you explain how you feel ? I mean as in a bit deflated rather than jealous.

I would also reassess what you get out of the relationship.

Two choices. Kill the chats as it's depressing you or be honest and tell her how you feel. Sometimes you have to let friendships go. Perhaps it's had its time. If I was your friend I would be more sensitive as I would know you are feeling life is a struggle. Is she lacking in sensitivity?

I can understand how you feel op; I’m in my 60’s and feel envious of a friend whose life seems wonderful.
When she asks you why you are quiet can you offload some of your worries about your son or have a moan about your job?
Either she will step up and support you and tone her comments down or possibly she will back off a little.
Hopefully you will feel a little better.

Thanks that's so helpful. Suggestions how to reduce the chat. She kinda is insensitive in that she really likes to promote herself but on the otherhand she is extremely caring if I have a problem and gives a listening advice and a helpful ear. At the moment she got into the habit of asking if I've had a good day. I only occasionally have a 'good' day which makes me feel bad having to answer truthfully it was so so. I like your idea of using the word deflated. It's a really useful one. All the advice around on feeling jealous is to get over yourself but the truth is I feel deflated. Thank you

You don’t have to continue with any relationship that causes you distress, I find it ridiculous that we can end marriages or romantic relationships when they no longer make us happy but friends we are supposed to endure forever. Your friend sounds utterly self absorbed and completely oblivious to the struggles in your life, I expect if you analyse this friendship it will be one way traffic, you give, she takes. I would tell her you are taking a step back from friendships and are concentrating on yours and your family’s needs so can’t ‘support’ her going forward.

Thank you. I think that's wise. I definitely need more distance

What do you get from (so much) contact with this old friend? Do you even have fun when you meet face-to-face? Maybe it's time to be honest... she's a grown-up and won't break. It's not that you begrudge her her good fortune but taking a break or agreeing less contract sounds vital for your self-preservation (Daily texts can set up an expectation that becomes rather relentless).

I get on paper she may have everything else ticked off the life lottery list but I would think she’s not as happy and satisfied as she makes out if she feels the need to post on Facebook about it, usually “confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud.” You don’t know her children or marriage are happy, that’s just what she tells you! She will have some areas of life she’s disappointed in, everyone does.

This. I have learned that many people who are prolific posters on social media about every aspect of their life, is probably not as happy as they portray. If I was living my best life I'm not sure I would be posting it on social media. I wouldn't have time, wouldn't feel the need and it comes across as boastful. I used to date a guy who literally posted multiple times a day and it was because he craved the attention.

I am a similar age to you and totally understand how you feel. I went through similar a couple of years ago with an old friend of mine, and I read something about friendship and in it said that a lot of people cling on to friends they've had purely because of the history they share. This resonated with me and I realised that I actually didn't like my friend like I used to and so, as others have suggested, I distanced myself over time and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

Do you like this friend? Does she support you and make you happy? Do you do fun things together? If the answer is no to all or any of those then than now is the time to break the friendship. Especially so if everything she does makes you feel sadder about your life. I would hide her posts on Facebook and other social media so that won't irritate you and when she asks why your quiet tell her you're busy or you've been out and about etc.

Do it slowly and if she realises what you're doing maybe tell her that you're finding it difficult to deal with her 'happy life' right now and, if she really is a good friend, she'll be supportive and understanding. If not, then she's not worth your friendship.

Thank you. Wise words. It does seem hard to let go with so much shared history. She does support me and is kind and generous but I must admit she doesn't make me feel happy about myself. She has changed so much over the years and has become more and more successful and full of herself.

I have a MIL who breezes through life without any health problems yet I get struck down with health issues in my 20s. Life isn't fair. I hear you. But you have to make the best of the cards you have been dealt. Maybe everything is not as perfect as it seems...

I dont think you like her much. You begrudge her being happy. Some of my friends are more successful than I am, I don't spend my time watching their lives and comparing mine. They're my friends. If your 'friend's' successes make you feel bad then do the right thing and end the friendship.

You mention that she likes to promote herself.

Personally, I think there’s nothing worse in a friendship than someone lording themselves over you. Some people love to have a pecking order as long as they’re at the top of it.

She also sounds tactless and up her own arse.

I have a friend like that, even down to the FB how-good-is-my-life posts. The thing is, she is nothing like that in person. She does find it difficult to talk about any struggles that she has. On the surface, she and her husband look like they have the perfect marriage but she’s let enough slip that I know they have had their ups and downs.

I found it much better for me to simply deactivate FB and it made such a big difference - not just in relation to her but all the other pretenders. I adore my friend and like you, I have known her a long time. We don’t talk as much as you and your friend (we are in different countries) but when we do meet up, we pick up just like old times. There is something special about having a friend who has known you since you were little.

I would concentrate on making new friends as well, so that you aren’t overly dependent on her and so your other friends meet the needs that your old friend cannot fulfil.

She sounds very insensitive and not at all self aware if she is continually going on about her wonderful life.
She knows you have caring duties and that you are still working full time whilst she's retired, socialising and planning exciting new projects etc so you'd think she'd be more thoughtful.
Are you certain she has that many close friends? l wonder if that's really the case if she's expecting you to be in daily contact. When she asks about your day l'd be honest and say you have lot on your plate at the moment and suggest you catch up weekly instead. Hopefully she will get the hint but if not just don't answer her texts or calls straightaway, leave it a while so you're not so available.

I wonder if your friend understands how hard things are for you. Do you confide in her or try to put a brave face on?
She just might not realise how she’s making you feel

Do you have to follow her on social media? You could stay Friends with her, but not Follow. And that could free up time to do your own thing.

I've got a friendship a bit like this. I've stepped back massively.

She works very hard and I am happy for her and admire her success but definitely get the sense she likes to flaunt certain things/Lord it over others she deems inferior in some way.

I wonder if your mate is not insensitive and knows exactly what she's doing but without knowing her we can't say op.

I know lots of women in middle age struggling with kids/parents/mental health/divorce etc. You're far from alone. Hope things improve soon.

I agree with others that anyone who needs to splash their life and ‘success’ all over social media is probably not as happy as they make out

I'd find a friend like this unbearable and she needs to just leave you alone. She may be supportive and caring but she also sounds full of herself and a bit of a bragger. Why would you be interested in her new home when your son is ill. Friends come and go maybe in years to come you can befirends again but for now I'd send a message explaining that you'd like some space as you have things you want to work on your family and that her messaging about her latest project seems insensitive.

You've been friends for a long time. I;d be honest and say, 'I've gone quiet because, to be honest, although I'm genuinely happy for you, it's very hard to be enthusiastic about your exciting new projects when I am deeply concerned about my son.'

If she is a true friend she will spend at least as much time in any conversation listening to your concerns about him and supporting you as she will expecting you to reflect her own joy back to her.

That's unfair. She might well like and love her friend, and still feel sad that this person seems to breeze through life with everything working out while she has struggled. It's possible to hold both emotions and for them both to be true.

I had a friend like this, turns out she was deeply unhappy even though on the face of it everything was perfect. I got to the point where I pulled back for my own mental health as every time we met up I came back annoyed or unhappy.

But she was only able to do this because I felt unhappy in my life at the time. When that changed, and I met up with her, it didn’t bother me anymore. What did bother me was the fact she was so insensitive, possibly intentionally.

I feel like you have 2 options, gently explain to her that whilst you love to hear about what’s going on in her life, it feels insensitive of your challenges. This gives her the chance to change and continue your friendship. Or 2, step back from the relationship and quietly quit it.

The saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ is so true x

I had a “friend “ that was very envious of me and our family achievements. We started having things go wrong 😑 like a sort of curse. As soon as I realised she was green with envy and resentful ( after she cracked one day and everything became obvious) I went NC and the curse left us as her negative energy went away. I was always very supportive of her even financially. I now realised that she was never my friend. Your friends should be very happy for you.