60 and still envious of a friend

[Ittakeslonger]

Please help I would like strategies to cope with my feelings towards a close friend I've had since my late 20s. I'm 60. I only see my friend every few weeks but we message daily. Her messages are making me feel lousy about my life as she's always doing something exciting or important, admirable or wholesome and is very blessed in that she enjoys almost everything she does. We started at pretty much the same place in life over 30 years ago but she has surpassed me in everyway; she's more successful in her career, has a more beautiful house, better social life, holidays, does exciting ventures, her children are happier and more settled, she has an easier relationship with her husband, has retired on a big pension (when I don't know when we will be able to retire) and has much more expendable income.. the list goes on. She also likes to make her exciting wholesome busy life known on Facebook. I know there is always going to be someone else who is more successful in someway but our daily communication and our history makes it hard to not notice and compare and It makes me feel inferior and a failure in comparison. She's just lost loads of weight (while I've gained ) and she's currently in the process of trying to sell and move to a bigger even more beautiful house in the country and is messaging me about the progress she's making. My life is quite hard at the moment because of my son's mental illness and it's hard to join in with her excitement about her new project. I am trying to reduce communication by not messaging so much but she keeps asking why I'm so quiet. I have tried changing things in my own life to make my own life better but I ended up changing to a worse job and I am restrained by my caring responsibilities. It feels so childish at 60 to feel so envious but it's even affecting my dreams. Any ideas please?

Yes it's complicated. I do love her but it feels like her life has moved to another level than mine and it feels like it's constantly pointed out.

From another perspective I have suffered from friends who are envious and resentful because they perceive my life as easy and fortunate. In some ways I am fortunate but there have been very very difficult situations going on and lots of heartache . My life has been extremely challenging below the surface. Those friends who were jealous wallowed in their misery, did little to try and change their situations and didn’t want to work for any ‘success’ which would have given them an easier life. I am in the process of shedding several ‘friends’ who just use me to moan to , whilst showing little concern for me. I have given a lot of time and energy to them and tried to support them whilst honestly not getting much back.

That sounds really hard. I'm wondering do you feel that they are lesser to you as they didn't work for greater success or is it the moaning that is difficult? Also did you constantly message your ' friends' with the amazing things going on in your life. It's that part that I find difficult. I feel I'm getting on with my life feeling content that I've achieved small things such a small repair to my house or had a fairly nice walk despite the pressures on me then I receive a message and am told about the great time they had last night, or the holiday they are on, their successes or recent achievement or praise they've received or what a lovely day they are having or a picture of the new house they are thinking of buying. It's hard then to switch off the 'compare and despair response.'

No I don't think they are lesser than me but I find the self pity and the self absorption hard going at times. Particularly when I have been dealing with some really difficult things which they wouldn't really empathise with. One of them would message me and every single time it was because she wanted to complain about something, not ask how I was. I didn't message them with amazing news and pictures of my holiday because in general my life is quite low key. For example, one of them messaged me on christmas day to complain about her family but didn't even say Happy Christmas I hope you're having a lovely day, or anything like that.

I know people like that. I wouldn't be able to cope with them if they were messaging me daily shoving their perfect life down my throat! The occasional glance on social media is bad enough! Your wellbeing comes first so I'd not be so keen to keep engaging with them. In an ideal world it would not affect you like this, but it does. So save your energy for yourself, for doing what you can to make things better.

Thank you. I think you're right. I love my friend, she is a good kind generous person but the constant self promotion is affecting me. In an ideal world, if I was stronger but I am who I am and it is affecting my wellbeing. I've decided to say that I'm taking a break from messanger and social media but would love to meet when she fancies it.

Friends should be our champions and well wishers and the people that make us feel good about ourselves. If they don’t do this for you then start to fade them out of your life. Also OP I hope that things improve for you and your son.

Thank you FineMom. It is possible that, trying to stay positive with life when my son is struggling and I'm fearful about his future takes more from me that I admit to myself. Being asked by my friend if I've had a good day or being told about her excitement and enjoyment makes me realize look at my own life and enjoyment too regularly when I really just need to get on and appreciate the moment for what it is.
I feel bad that I can't feel excited for her and that I feel envious . I feel guilty that I should be championing her and pleased for her all the time, as articles written on envy suggest.
Thank you for your kind words

If you value your friendship then perhaps you just need to move away from the social media and just be friends. Good friends are rare and to lose someone who you say you love because you are envious seems such a shame. I am unable to have children and if I had given up on all my friends who have children because of that, I would not have a single friend left!

Have you actually told you friend how you are struggling at the moment? Perhaps you should confide in her and whatever you decide, I hope things improve for you and your son.

I think it’s commendable that you have remained friends with her, OP. When things started to go right for me (after several years of crippingly low self esteem and two nervous breakdowns), I noticed some ‘friends’ backed away. It’s like I was only valuable to them when I was having a shit time and they could feel superior.

I’ve actually even noticed this with family, which is more upsetting - some family members seem to have lost the ability to talk to me now my problems have fallen away and I am happy. Conversations are awkward now, to say the least.

I think PP was right, some relationships rely on a ‘pecking order’ and when that’s thrown off, the relationship falls apart.

Solidarity, OP. My adult son struggles with MH and doesn't always make the right choices.
What rang out to me is the happiness you get from a house repair or a nice walk. This is normal! This is what we all do. It's life and you are having a tough patch. Acknowledge that and make some allowances for yourself. You are allowed to lick your wounds, recover and withdraw.
A nice big house in the Cotswolds doesn't change unhappiness.
I'm 50 and am looking enviously at those who can go off on holiday as a couple for two weeks. That is all I want, I ache for it, but my situation just doesn't allow for it. I might crack and moan to my DH. He always tells me that my time will come. I just hang on for that.
You'll notice I haven't said much about your friend; this is about you and recognising that life is currently hard for you and you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first at the moment x

Don't blame yourself for how you feel. Plenty of others would feel the same way in your shoes- I know I have. She sounds very gushy and would annoy the crap out of me.

I had a baby at the same time as one of my friends 10 years ago and our lives were very similar back then. Since, she's extended her home, married her partner, has much more disposable income and fancy holidays etc. I however have separated from my partner, live in a smaller home and I'm poorer and I can't afford to take my kids abroad. I carried on meeting up with her for a while but realised how absolutely awful I felt after seeing her. I would cry afterwards.

I think it's less about envy and more about yearning for what your own life might have been and having that rubbed in your face continually. I have other married friends with more money than I have but they don't make me feel the way that she used to.

I don't see her anymore.
Life is better.
I'd take a good break from her if I were you and unfollow her on social media. Stop the messages- definitely. Just tell her you're taking a break from technology for a while. Some people just don't make us feel particularly good- there's nothing wrong in it, just the way it is. Listen to your own feelings and distance yourself from people who bring you down, whatever the reason may be.

I've found my own happy since.
My life is still a shambles but I joined a yoga group and made friends through that, I also joined a dog walking group and enjoy walks in the countryside with them. Lots of smaller things are helping me build a happier life, even though my house is in dire need of TLC 😂.

Keep away from her for a while.
See if you feel a bit better.
And don't you dare feel guilty for it- she'll find someone else to boast to!

OP, just a thought, are you envious or are you feed up?
If she is all about herself and in those chats there little or no space to talk about your things, she minimizes your stuff to go back to her own talk etc, I would think you are feed up.

If that is the case, put some distance in the relationship and focus on your own doing. Some people is just exhausting.

No proper advice if you are envious, although I suppose is still the same, focus on your life.

Very wise words!

as you say OP, she is someone who is very good at promoting herself. She won’t be posting the bad bits on Facebook.

also, when I’m busy I never have time to message friends- even though I adore them and they mean the world to me. So she doesn’t sound as busy as she makes out.

I have also struggled with envy of friends in the past. Like you, we started off in the same place, but they’ve had more successful lives in lots of ways. I chose a poor marriage partner and it though I’ve divorced, it has really affected my life in lots of ways.

but those same friends have confided in me about their problems, and I have to say I wouldn’t swap places with them. No one has a perfect life.

I’d agree that she sounds insensitive- who would brag about how great life is when a friend’s child is having a tough time? There’s no way her life is plain sailing if she lacks self awareness.

On a less sceptical note, despite her wonderful busy life, she still speaks to you daily and you meet up often. It sounds like you’re one of the most important people in her life. Why might that be? You are probably a great friend, good company, and have lots of attractive qualities.

I think you need to look at this from a different angle.

Toeoffroggy thank you so much. It's great to hear someone who gets it so much. It made me laugh with relief from your expression that she would annoy the crap our of you too. 🤣 We do occasionally go on trips together and she couldn't be lovelier company. She really is a fun lovely empathetic person. It's the bites of news about her life and being in a group , with her holding court which is hard and where she seems to not understand how the quantity and level of her achievements and activities makes others ( me) feel. I do have richer more successful friends but maybe that it's because we were at university together got partners and kids together that being told about what she or her family's enjoying or achieving makes my life seem lacking. I think I do need a technology break for a while and she has 1000s of Twitter followers to boast to, so she'll be okay Thank you

Thank you Bubbleperm. Solidarity. I get not being able to go away as a couple. Your right it is about me and how hard life is. It's hard not to feel like a complete failure when your child has MH problems and harder to count one's blessingsx

This was my issue too. Only I was subject of envy even though my heart was breaking every day for my son who had severe MH issues. If I talked about it , other people just didn't understand and weren't supportive. It was and is a very lonely place to be. Holidays and financial security don't compensate for being out of your mind with anxiety every single day.

It's so lonely