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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This issue is ruining our relationship-advice please.

28 replies

cocopops · 17/03/2008 21:43

Deep breath- long post.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years and have one DC. Everything was going along ok until last year new neighbours moved in and put a very ugly extension along our boundary wall. This caused lots of problems, the upshot being that I ended up on ADs.

I want to put an extension on our house to counteract the ugly box that I have to look at every day. My DH keeps changing his mind about this. First of all, when our friends considered buying the next door house he said we may consider an extension at the same time and get it all done at once. This changed to, we can't afford it when our friends decided not to buy. Then, when he found out another friend had an extension done at a very reasonable price, he agreed that I should get an architect round. Now, every time I mention the architect being round etc he clams up and says we can't afford an extension and we've worked hard to cut down our mortgage over the last 10 years and he doesn't want to increase it again. Every time the issue is raised we argue and, having come off ADs at Xmas becuase I was feeling better, I am now feeling bad and weepy again all the time and thinking the -same d-i-v-or-ce thoughts I had at the end of last year which I know is totally irrational over such a small thing.

However, I just can't get over this bloody exension next door and it makes me really down every time I look at it. It has blocked our light and made our back patio really ugly and we can't afford to move as prices in our area are sky high.

DH's feelings I think are all tied up with a stressful job - he can't handle stress, never has, never will, throws up in the morning before work and he keeps thinking he is going to get sacked for negligence. All this clouds his judgement I think along with his experiences as a child when his family were really hard up when his dad lost his job. His father questions everything we spend and had the cheek to tell us a couple of years ago that we shouldn't be buying a kitchen as our (20 year old one) was fine.

Anyway, enough rambling. Just interested in your views- am I being a spoilt brat who is upset as i can't get my own way or is there a fundamental issue with our marriage?

OP posts:
MrsMar · 17/03/2008 21:49

If your neighbours extension blocks the light then your local planning department should have something to say about that. you can't build in such a way as to block out the light in someone else's property.

Could you get an architect and builder in yourself and get a range of quotes to present to him to show him how it could be affordable? Could you get some quotes for borrowing the money, put together the whole package so he can see it won't cause you too many financial problems.

Is he seeing someone or doing something about the stress he's feeling under or his way of coping with it? Throwing up before work each morning doesn't sound good to me at all, it sounds like to me he really needs to address these problems.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 17/03/2008 21:50

I think that your husband needs to consider changing his jobs if it is making him that sick to go to work.

Could he not get himself another job, less stressful, re-assess money wise and re-consider the extension?

Dont get divorced over something so trival - unless there are other issues you are not putting in your post

Quattrocento · 17/03/2008 21:54

I think you are being a bit obsessive about this and not listening to your DH who sounds stressed out of his mind with financial responsibilities

You didn't say anything but how much do you contribute financially? Is there any way you can earn more money to take some of the stress away from your DH?

It might get you away from looking at that extension ...

Pheebe · 17/03/2008 21:54

Agree with MrsMar, first stop should be a call to your local planning department. You are allowed to extend your house by a certain % of its footprint without permission I think but not so it affects your neighbours property. They might end up having to take their box down so definitely worth a call.

Failing that, if its getting you down that much perhaps consider moving house...

policywonk · 17/03/2008 21:57

Your DH has a valid point about not wanting to hike your mortgage (if that's the only way you could afford to do the extension). The way things are going, now is NOT the time to take on a lot of extra debt.

missingtheaction · 17/03/2008 21:58

good grief - this isn't about an extension, it's about your husband's massive insecurity about work and money (clearly fuelled by his childhood and father) AND the impact this has on you and your marriage (worry for your husband, conflict between your desire to use money to enhance your life and his need to safeguard your financial future) COMBINED WITH the nasty feeling that your home has been compromised by someone else.

he needs counselling, your marriage needs counselling. get a counsellor, not an architect. and tell his dad to BUTT OUT!

bosch · 17/03/2008 21:58

No cocopops, you're not being unreasonable or spoilt. It sounds like you and your husband are under a lot of stress and you just can't see eye to eye over this issue.

Can you try to think about what it would be like if you never built the extension. Is there anything else that you could do to make your neighbours extension look better? Fencing? Planting? Would they let you paint it even?

I worry that your husband will feel the pressures of work more keenly if he has a bigger mortgage to pay (I'm assuming he's the main wage earner). Is there anything about your idea for an extension that you could bring in more cheaply? Have you got a ball park figure to work out what the loan/mortgage repayments would be? Do you have that much money spare at the end of the month?

I can't help wondering if you couldn't get your gp to help you with some form of counselling, given that he/she has been willing to offer you ads, and the worrying symptoms that your husband is displaying too.

For entirely different relationship reasons to you, dh and I have been referred to a therapist, (appt may take several years but that's another matter!) and all we had to do was ask our gp!

Wishing you all the best that you can both come to terms with this.

Dior · 17/03/2008 22:01

Message withdrawn

LadyOfWaffle · 17/03/2008 22:04

Not sure about all the legal aspects etc., but is there anything else you can do with fencing/plants/trees/bushes/trellis?

Original poster
cocopops · 17/03/2008 22:10

i'm not hysterical- irrational perhaps but I can't help the way I feel about it all which is why I sought help from my gp last year.

We did object at the planning process but they got permission nonetheless.

As for earning more money than DH, I did that for several years .... I changed jobs after DC was born to a less stressful job with more fixed hours (both of us in the same profession) so now earn slightly less than him although on a per hours worked basis, earn much much more.

As for money, after bills etc i have around £1000 spare and DH has slightly less amount but overpays our mortgage by several hundred pounds a month- so, financially while I agree that increasing debt is not the most sensible at this time, we are incredibly sensible about money and we can afford it.

I think some of the posters are correct in that the underlying issue is his stress. i have put up with it all these years but can't stand it any longer and the effect it has on me and DC ..... I dont' know how to bring it up with him however- i am in tears whenever i think about it.

OP posts:
Dior · 17/03/2008 22:13

Message withdrawn

Quattrocento · 17/03/2008 22:18

Is there any way you can help your DH to reduce his stress levels?

I feel a bit queasy if I think about my financial responsibilities for more than a nanosecond - so I totally sympathise with wanting or needing financial security. Being able to afford it with both of you working is one thing but he may be (as I would be, living in an uncertain world) measuring affordability on one income rather than two ...

I feel sorry for your DH. Being scared is not a nice place to be. Is there any form of counselling that might help? I am thinking career counselling and building up self esteem/assurance rather than anything else,

Janni · 17/03/2008 22:22

An unwanted extension is not, in itself, a cause of depression. I would say it is a symptom of your own dissatisfaction with your life. The extension has become a tangible object on which to fixate and unless it is something which unites you and your DH you really should try to ignore it for now. It is NOT worth a divorce.

What can you do to make your life happier and more fulfilled? What can you do to support your husband in his stressful job? I think if you put your energies into these areas your life would improve.

nooka · 17/03/2008 22:29

Would you consider swopping roles for a bit - you working more and him working less? I think that you need to find a way to support your dh, he sounds worryingly stressed. Maybe taking the pressure off might help you both, and if you can bring in more money than him perhaps that would help with the extension costs? Otherwise possibly a cheaper route would be to have a garden designer come around and give you some ideas/a quote on making your back patio more beautiful.

Eve34 · 17/03/2008 22:33

If you have set money after bills are paid can you not save up say half the amount? SOunds like you are in a good position to do so - then the extra wouldn't seems so much?

Quattrocento · 17/03/2008 22:34

"he can't handle stress, never has, never will, throws up in the morning before work and he keeps thinking he is going to get sacked for negligence."

Oh this isn't normal behaviour this is really severe anxiety. TBH I think harping on about a blessed extension (more money, more responsibility and more anxiety for your poor DH) is really the wrong thing to do.

I think you are probably getting one another down and now I'm veering off career counselling and into relationship counselling.

edam · 17/03/2008 22:38

He's throwing up before work and keeps thinking he's going to be sacked for neglience? Sounds like you are both suffering from depression. I dunno, maybe Relate is your best port of call so you can both get some perspective on your relationship.

TheAntiFlounce · 17/03/2008 22:39

He really sounds like he needs councelling, I really feel for him.

How would he react, as you have a grand spare after bills, if you just save up the money? Then it's not an extra resonsibility - it's just done with as soon as it's finished.

choosyfloosy · 17/03/2008 22:40

It is very stressful to live with a stressed person. I would imagine that you are absorbing the excess stress he can't, and that you are feeling 'full up' of his stress. I do know how this feels.

Has there ever been a time in his life where he didn't have a job that made him so stressed? Is he the sort who, although allergic to stress, can't do without it?

Where do you see yourselves as a couple (assuming lots of things there) in five years time? Or is that a vexed question - is he living so much in the future that you are enduring a miserable present?

I would agree with other posters that the extension seems much more like a symbol than a real problem in itself, but it's a bloomin enormous symbol that is very present in your life.

Original poster
cocopops · 18/03/2008 13:41

yes choosy floosy - think you've hit the nail on the head. when I went on AD lastyear I think it was because i'd absorbed his stress which,on top of the neighbour issue tipped me over the edge.

He has never had a job where he has not been stressed. My MIL is a stress pot and i am sure he gets it off her. The money issues all stem from his dad who gives most of his to the church!

I haven't thought about where we'll be in 5 years time. Still druging on in life I suppose...

OP posts:
Original poster
cocopops · 18/03/2008 13:41

drudging, rather!

OP posts:
lentengrrl · 18/03/2008 14:01

what about you swopping roles/hours; as you make more per hour, you could take on more work, he could do less and do some of the childcare - stop you looking at the extension and might reduce his stress?

Original poster
cocopops · 18/03/2008 14:23

That would result in me working even longer in terms of hours he does (due to my specialism) and we made a conscious decision for me to move away from that lifestyle for DC. And, its the nature of the job that ifyou reduce your hours, you get paid less and still have same workload.

OP posts:
lentengrrl · 18/03/2008 14:29

Well it sounds as though something has got to change. I don't think I could carry on with things if my dh was vomiting before work...

crokky · 18/03/2008 14:31

cocopops - firstly don't underestimate the effect that an "invasion" of your home and space can have on you. If you spend a reasonable amount of time at home, I can imagine how the extension next door would upset you. When our previous house was in a crappy state, it upset me far more than DH because I had to look at it all day (home with small baby at the time). I am not sure practically what to do about this, but would like to say that if you have your own extension done (regardless of the financial stress), it will be practically stressful having the work done and with your DH in his current state, i would not do this yet.