What made you realise that your partner was having an affair?

[HelpToMoveForward]

So I’ve posted before about my ‘D’H and about how I’m getting my ducks in a row ready to leave or ask him to leave.

He had an affair a couple of years ago and although all the tell tale signs were there (mentionitis, wearing nice boxers, after shave etc to work) the moment the penny dropped was when I was talking to his Mum and she told me a completely different story about his plans for the day to what he had told me and in that moment I just knew and my suspicions turned out to be right.

Well I’m back to wondering again, he went out a few days ago with ‘work friends’ and was still in the pub car park for an hour after it had closed- maybe in his car with her? He’s gone on a health kick and isn’t eating anywhere near what he normally would, is on about joining the gym and now tonight constantly online on WhatsApp which is something he never normally uses. I’m upstairs and every time I check he’s online. I think the penny has just dropped again!

So please show me I’m not totally mad and share with me those moments for you when it all fell into place and you knew your husband or partner was having an affair.

Start walking downstairs and see if he comes off whatsapp, then turn round and go back up, see if he's back online. I remember doing that... plus, you just know don't you.

I’ve just done that, straight offline! I just need proof now so that I can make plans for us to separate. I don’t think he will go without a fight so I need concrete proof of an affair- again!

Op he's already done it once. His behaviours have changed again. What else do you need to know. Ltb.

You don't need any proof, you don't have to force him to go, just tell him you want a divorce when you're in the right position to do so.

You know he had an affair, so even if he won't admit to this latest one you can just explain that the trust is gone and you don't want to be married to someone you can't trust.

Be calm and firm; you're divorcing him, here's the paperwork, you'd like it to be amicable, but if he can't be amicable you are prepared to play hard ball. Either way, the decision is made and it's happening.

You've decided to end your marriage, that's all he needs to know.

@PrimalOwl10 I don’t even know! I think the years of gaslighting have sent me crazy sometimes. I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor booked next week to try and look at what I would get when we divorce before I have the conversation with him. I just hate constantly feeling that I’ve never been good enough.

I have a story but it is so mundane…I went away for the weekend. In the five years we were together, if one of us was away we would always phone the other to say goodnight. I’d gone to bed on the Friday night and when I woke up on Saturday realised I’d not heard from him. I phoned him, it was about 9am, and he was not in our flat which weird as he usually had a lie in. He told me he was walking to our local shop to buy some food for a fry up as he’d been out the night before and was hungover. I was totally oblivious and told him there was already some bacon, sausages etc in the freezer. He said he’d go to the shop anyway.

I felt uneasy when I got back and I couldn’t place why. I’ve never felt so irrationally paranoid before or since, and I am sure it was my gut telling me he’d cheated. On Monday at work it hit me the grill pan was on the drainer where I’d washed it before going away. The bin also looked unemptied and there was no packaging for a fry up - empty bacon packet, egg shells etc in it. He told me he’d used tin foil on the grill so it was clean, had emptied the bin and that I was mental when confronted. I was so sure I was right the following day before he got back from work I went down to our bin store and checked the rubbish!

We split up a couple of months later. I am 99% sure he’d spent that night with the women he is still in a relationship with now. Within a fortnight of our breakup and me moving out they had gone public they were together so they must have been seeing each other before we split.

Unfortunately our mutual friends closed ranks when we split up and cut me out so I’ve never been able to prove it.

My ex wife was hiding her phone which made me suspicious but I dismissed this.
We then went out for a night out with a group of her friends and she started kissing me passionately in front of these friends which is something we had never done in 10 years together. So I found this weird.
I fineally found out though on holiday in Crete with my then 9 year old daughter.
We were sat in a bar and she was texting someone on the family tablet. After she had finished I picked up the tablet to check something and she hadn't closed the messaging app down properly. She was sat in the bar having a perverted sex chat with one of the friends we were out with some months earlier. What also made it worse was she was also friends with his partner.
Go with your suspicions. I regret not reacting now. Looking back though as well if I had checked our joint bank statements I would of seen hotel and restaurant bills coming out of our joint account

Sorry, out of curiosity how do you know he was in the pub car park? Do you have his location on your phone? Or did u just see his car there?

Just wondering because sometimes pubs do have lock-ins and have you asked him about that for his reaction?

He told me he was going away on business and taking the train there. He always kept train tickets on a particular shelf - none ever appeared for this trip.

I snooped and found two cinema tickets for the date he was supposed to be away. For a film I hate, near his workplace.

I found the second phone! I had suspicions for months that he was messaging an ex. I also found a hotel confirmation for a night he was supposed to be somewhere else. Lots of other things that I pieced together, but he was straight out once I found the phone. And the messages it contained.

@Circumferences we have each others locations since his last affair. I woke up with poorly DC checked it and saw that he didn’t move for an hour whereas he had been in the pub previously. He got caught out before using our joint account in her home town so he’s not the brightest!

Phone face down, leaving phone downstairs at night, suddenly angry at me all the time/treating me with disgust, leaving room for phonecalls etc.

Thank you for sharing everyone. I think you just know in your gut don’t you and that’s how I’m feeling right now. He told me he was going to sleep (an hour ago) in another room and is still on WhatsApp.
I'm at work tomorrow but I’m going to wait until
I’m calm tomorrow night and then confront him and most likely watch him squirm.

I had my suspicions- a phone call from a woman sounding really upset when I answered exHs phone…she got really flustered and hung up. He told some weird story to cover it but it just didn’t ring true.
He was always on his phone and secretive with it. We went away on a holiday (of a lifetime!) and he kept on texting etc. I got up to the loo in the night and sneaked his phone to snoop- messages all deleted and inbox empty. I had his phone and he woke up to go to the loo then noticed his phone wasn’t where he’d left it. Asked me where his phone was. I asked why he even noticed it wasn’t there if he had nothing to hide. He gaslit and blamed me and we had a blazing row. I told him I couldn’t live like this and asked him to promise on someone very dear to him that he wasn’t having an affair and he refused. So I told him it was over. We separated.
He continued to deny it for a year until he was caught… and he’d moved in with her 6 months earlier and STILL hadn’t admitted it!?!

I just hate constantly feeling that I’ve never been good enough.

@HelpToMoveForward, it is he who has never been good enough.

I recall your thread from last month. You’ve already had 2 D-days with this faithless guy. He lied that he had ended his affair, the continuation of which you discovered a month later. He was even cheating during your cancer scare and numerous hospital admissions, and regardless of your devotion to him and your 3 children, 2 of whom have SEN.

He made the right noises for a year, but during the past 6 months he has ceased making efforts in your relationship. He is now showing all the signs that he is at it again.

Do you really need definitive proof of his latest infidelity before you call time on the marriage? I wouldn’t. You’ve stated that you are sad, lonely and resentful, and that ‘the deceit creeps into every lovely family moment we have.’

You plan to confront this practiced gaslighter, but it’s highly doubtful that he will acknowledge any transgressions. I would just tell him that the damage has been too great to overcome … that your trust and respect are gone, so it’s game over.

Gut instinct
Kept it to myself for a few months. But was very aware.

I think you know he is don't you. I really feel for you. I have been there. Do you think he's actually speaking on the phone at all? I have a way around that if so.

@determinedtomakethiswork i would love to know your way round it. I just went on our family iPad and the last search was how to clear WhatsApp chats! He’s not very clever!
@MsDogLady thank you for taking the time to reply again. I think the trust has gone but I just hate the not knowing. I’m ready to start this year in a positive way and shedding the extra 15 stone that is holding me back!

I'm sorry op. I've been there last year.

I was however totally blindsided by it all. No real hints. Found out by total accident and was devastated.

Looking back now I think there were some tiny hints I could've explored. I actually wish I hadn't have found out like I did so I could've kept it in my pocket and then acted, hindsight.

Mine wasn't the brightest either. Used our joint credit card, I have him on life 360 and didn't twig, and ultimately forgot to delete his most recent group of messages.

I'm just sorry for you. That's all. I'm still not over it and I know how you must be feeling.

You already know you jsit won’t accept it. .

I confronted him tonight, he denied it at first but eventually admitted to everything when I said I already knew. I’m so scared about the future. I’ve told him it’s over this time for good. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how I can manage everything alone and financially I am fucked.
I have no real family support my brother lives hours away but has been on the phone with me tonight.
thank you everyone for sharing your stories. It made me realise I wasn’t crazy for trusting my gut. I just don’t know what comes next now. How do I get up and act normal for my children tomorrow?

You're going to be fine. It's not going to be easy, but you'll get through it, and the weight that is lifted when you no longer have that "is he cheating" question permanently in the back of your head is incredible.

Life is easier without a bad partner.

Good luck, and well done.

Oh @HelpToMoveForward, this is horrible. The man who begged for a second chance and claimed having a breakdown at the thought of losing you has taken that chance and thrown it back in your face. What a faithless pig he is.

Is OW the one from before or is this a new affair partner?

You will get through this OP.
It's horrible ,but you will find strength you didn't know you had ,and as one day follows another it gets a little easier .
Wishing you all the very best -you don't deserve to be treated less like this sweetheart

I think mine has to win the prize for most obvious clue. A bit of paper in his work trousers in his writing saying ‘Wanna fuck?’

I took it to him. He first acted absolutely amazed and baffled. Was staring at it in wonder. He had absolutely no idea what in earth it was. How odd. Then two days later he said ‘Oh, I’ve just remembered what that note was. I was joking with a mate at work and we were coming up with silly suggestions for what our colleagues were saying to each other in a meeting’.

I got a note addressed to me at work (same company as him) saying YOUR HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR’. That was apparently a mad woman at his work who was lashing out at the managers because she was just mad.

I have more. Oh, and of course he was obsessive and secretive about his phone and angry with me for no reason.