What made you realise that your partner was having an affair?

[HelpToMoveForward]

So I’ve posted before about my ‘D’H and about how I’m getting my ducks in a row ready to leave or ask him to leave.

He had an affair a couple of years ago and although all the tell tale signs were there (mentionitis, wearing nice boxers, after shave etc to work) the moment the penny dropped was when I was talking to his Mum and she told me a completely different story about his plans for the day to what he had told me and in that moment I just knew and my suspicions turned out to be right.

Well I’m back to wondering again, he went out a few days ago with ‘work friends’ and was still in the pub car park for an hour after it had closed- maybe in his car with her? He’s gone on a health kick and isn’t eating anywhere near what he normally would, is on about joining the gym and now tonight constantly online on WhatsApp which is something he never normally uses. I’m upstairs and every time I check he’s online. I think the penny has just dropped again!

So please show me I’m not totally mad and share with me those moments for you when it all fell into place and you knew your husband or partner was having an affair.

@Mimrr your partner should surely win a prize for being the most stupid person on earth.

@HelpToMoveForward I really hope you are okay now. 💐

@determinedtomakethiswork thank you so much ❤️
my life has changed massively, he moved out and has set up a new life with the OW but I have been able to buy him out of the house and I am currently going through divorce. The children are with me 6 nights a week and my life is so much happier without the constant gaslighting and lying. I’ve even started dating a lovely man but taking things very slowly and cautiously.

Yay! Happy ending for you op

Wow! Can I ask how you met someone a quickly? It’s taking me years (but maybe because ex is always still in my headspace being abusive?)

I was financially fucked when I exited my marriage. I still only have enough to get by every month, whilst my ex continues to enjoy the huge salary he was able to get my having a live in nanny and housekeeper for years. But you know what? It’s ok.

Your mental health is more important than money. Life is never richer than when you don't constantly doubt yourself and your worth.

I’m so glad things are working out for you (caught up with the tread now ;))

@User11223344 Tinder 😂I thought it would just boost my confidence a little but I met him and it turned out he went to school with a good friend and us friends with her husband so I felt more confident in the situation. I had emotionally checked out of the marriage a long time before so was ready to have something that is just for me.
@Asantesauna your post has really resonated with me, it’s exactly how I am now, we have no money for luxuries or days out but the feeling of freedom and happiness is priceless isn’t it? So glad you are in a good place mentally.

How I found out … he was right in front of me talking to someone on my phone and I was holding his and I just clicked on WhatsApp - I don’t even know why - and saw an unread archived message , so I clicked on it and there were messages from a woman from 8 months before that he had not replied to but it was clear from what she said they had been up to something and he had ended it .

Looking back there were signs - he changed his WhatsApp photo to one of just him and previously it had always been one of us . Also a month or so before I had found out , we had had a lovely night and in the middle of sex he became emotional telling me how much he loved me and that he had only ever wanted me . It was clearly guilt . I actually thought he was on the verge of confessing something but he obviously didn’t .

My best friend told me. Everyone knew except me. I will always be thankful to her.

@HelpToMoveForward if someone has cheated on the past there is a high chance they will do it again, I've not known many people who have been cheated on and then they both stay loyal until the end, I'm all about privacy in a relationship but from past experience if you suspect something ask him who was he messaging and ask to see the message, if he hands you the phone then you know you have nothing to worry about and don't even need to read them, if he refuses, then you have your answer, after someone has cheated if they truly want the relationship to work then they would be open with things like the messages, I'm sorry you were cheated on before and I'm sorry if this is again the case now.

Told me he was doing the Three Peaks Walk. I found out later it was the wrong weekend. What really clicked was picking up the phone just as I was leaving for a works training course and a woman's voice asked, 'Has she gone yet?'

My spidey senses tingled hard. (In fact I posted here a few weeks ago).

Since then, spidey senses continue to tingle; for example after telling me he didn't really have much on at work, he came home almost an hour later than he normally would - automatically, I just felt/knew he'd been chatting/having a drink with someone else. Absolutely no proof, ofcourse.

Then, just 3 days ago I went to see a psychic medium for fun (now I know ofcourse it's probably all bullshit & unreliable). The first thing she told me was there were problems in my marriage & my DH was reaching out to someone else! She said she didn't think it was physical, but there was definitely an outside influence on him. She also said, funnily enough, that whoever the woman is, she doesn't know DH is married & would run if she did. Psychic also said DH is extremely clever & very good at covering his tracks (which he is).

So, in my heart, I KNOW something is going on. But zero proof. Just a feeling & a literal change in the air, a thickness. And I'm also carrying around this "heaviness ".

I told him to STOP whatever he's doing before he makes a terrible mistake. He denied, denied, denied ofcourse.

Oh and just for fun, he's done this before in 2019. Gaslit me then too, made me feel like I was the crazy one. Not knowing for certain in the worst!

Also a mundane one It's years and years ago but I had been away from home and when I came back the glasses were upside down in the cupboards (I always store them the right way up). Like I said years ago now but sometimes my husband empty's the dishwasher and puts them upside down (he sometimes puts them the right way up too there is no method to his dishwasher madness 🤣🤣) and it seems to trigger me needing to turn them the other way round because it's how she did it. It was probably the worst time of my life and for some reason the glasses still tip me over the edge 🙈

I agree that you just know.

But the not having proof sends you crazy. My ex, when I was pregnant and just knew, made me out to be paranoid and needing professional help. He was happy to see me take antidepressants and consider termination rather than admit he was fucking about.

Now if I got that feeling again I would just walk away. I dont need proof anymore. But then, I dont really love anymore like I did. I love but not to the point where that person is my whole world. I can love them as part of my world but my world wont end if they are not in it. Took age and experience to get me there, sadly.

My son (18) said to me, when I said something silly a few weeks ago about something totally unimportant "Ma! Why are you so cynical?!" and I said "Because I have never been given a reason to not be!"

I’m so sorry that so many have been through it too! I had posted previously about my ex giving me the ick and how I felt so trapped. I think so many of us do in relationships, I was so scared about what the future was going to hold for me and my children but I honestly couldn’t be happier now. Sometimes I feel lonely at night when the children are in bed but I’m trying to fill that time by doing things for me.
I would urge anyone who is reading this and has that feeling to collect the evidence, my ex always tried to gaslight me, and don’t give second chances. I am now a firm believer in the saying once a cheat always a cheat.
I hope you have all found happiness too ❤