Dating - do you discuss deal-breakers?

[YouDefinitelyShouldNotDoThat]

Just that really. When you're dating someone and trying to work out if they are long -term partner material, do you discuss with them what your deal-breakers would be? For example smoking, sharing details of your sex life with others, views about sex work (or having paid previously for sex etc). I'm just wondering how you can safeguard against something coming to light later down the line that could change how you feel about someone...?

Yes… I must be exhausting but I’d rather get to difficult stuff quick and end things before anyone is too attached if there are irreconcilable differences

If you feel you need to safeguard yourself, do it. Why does it matter what we do?

Because I have no experience of dating and I'm wondering how other people navigate these things

Thank you. I think this would be my approach but was just curious to know if other people would do this too!

I think if you’re talking about online dating you can filter out some dealbreakers on the app (if the man has them listed, of course) eg smoking, whether he has kids etc

other stuff like if there’s a history of them being with a sex worker , I think most men would just simply not admit to that, so it’s not fool proof,

at the moment with OLD a lot of guys even lie that that they are looking for a LTR, when in reality they just want a shag, so although you can discuss deal breakers there’s no guarantee they will be truthful about it

You don't need experience to do what you want. You're aiming to find someone who loves you for yourself, so you need to be yourself, rather than following advice of others.

guys have lied about not having kids in order to date child free women.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4722491-he-has-a-son

It might be over the top, but i prefer a list like what Sheldon cooper created in the big bang theory, a relationship agreement where all the rules for both sides are written down then discussed and agreed upon.

OLD is tricky with this as so many people lie about the most basic stuff.

I’ve had so many men who have knocked years off their age, added inches to their height, said they don’t smoke then sneak out for a fag etc

Then there’s the stuff you hadn’t even thought of as a deal breaker but when it comes up you think ‘ewe’ - there’s a long thread in chat about this

Yes, pretty much in the order of importance to me.

So date 1 or 2 I tend to bring up the biggies. For example I have a kid and a dog so if that’s an issue then time to move on. I don’t want anymore kids (and to be honest I’m too old now).
First few weeks I tend to ask about relationship history, job history, political leanings, etc.. Often by bringing up news stories or things from my past. It’s often interesting rather than the third degree however I am looking out for red flags (crazy exes, conservative voters, an irregular employment history). I do ask some direct questions - have you been arrested / jailed, have you ever visited a prostitute, do you watch porn, do you gamble??? I also judge their drinking habits, feel out their thoughts on drugs, etc..
Basically I consider the first 6 months to be a mutual relationship interview. I don’t like surprises.
I expect to answer the same questions back and to share my own opinions.

Sliding scale for me -

I wouldn't be discussing "dealbreakers" with a guy I was newly dating. I might decide I don't fancy him so it would be a moot point.

Beyond that, if the conversation cropped up I'd probably ask their stance on (eg) wanting or having children and drugs. But like others have said, they can lie (which is also a dealbreaker), so again, a bit pointless.

I have, in my own mind, a list of dealbreakers and, if anyone I am dating strays into that territory then they're history. Yes, I might be upset if we'd been together a while (obviously because if I didn't fancy them we wouldn't still be together).

I don’t see the point in asking about prostitutes. It’s not like they’re going to admit it.

No, if my date does something that I consider a deal breaker I won't date him anymore. I'm not here to give warning to dates. I'm here to enjoy them.

Depends how unique your deal breakers are. If it's stuff that's obviously one way only (smoking, prostitutes) then no point asking really, they can lie.
If it's something like you'd never date a Taylor Swift fan (like, ever) you can ask about that as he won't know the "right" answer in advance (dumb example obviously, but that's the idea)

Yes, I would discuss the key things either over message before first date, or on first date. For me (off the top of my head) these are:

Must be at least broadly left wing
Must not be racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, or any other prejudice I object to.
Must accept the fact I have a daughter and that she will always come first.

Daughter and political views would be listed on my profile anyway and listed as deal breakers anyway, but would also check them out in conversation as soon as possible.

I also try to mention the stuff that might put people off me as early as I can. When I was last doing OLD these included that I smoked, that I had been married a number of times, that I lived with my parents, that I was bisexual, and that I had had a varied and extensive sexual history. Would not have wanted to be with a partner who could not accept these things about me, for either of our sakes.

It worked - I met a man very like me through OLD and we are married now and still very in love.

Thank you, this is helpful! It's good to think about what I should put on my profile too- so much to think about! I'm not sure I'll ever be brave enough to get an online profile actually. It feels like such a minefield and you must need a really thick skin...

Yes, but what if he does something 10 months into your relationship, like saying 'I've never wanted kids', when you do want kids? Wouldn't it have been worth making sure that conversation happened before you were an established couple?

Do what you need to do, if he is your guy he will understand and appreciate where you're coming from. It doesn't guarantee they will tell you the truth or not 'forget' later but it's a good way of weeding them out.
If he doesn't like it or finds it OTT he's not your guy.

As if anyone would tell the complete truth anyway

@Watchkeys, yes in an ideal world, but people lie and change their mind. Big deal conversation like kids, wedding etc usually comes naturally at a point at the beginning of the relationship, few months in or earlier depending of the intensity of the relationship.

Some people may be adamant to something today and be opposite in a few years.

I'm a smoker and have been on a fair few dates where a guy had "non smoker" on his profile, he would then sigh with relief and light up once he realised I smoked! Men are well aware lots of women don't like smoking. So they know they'll narrow their options by declaring it.

Now obviously it didn't bother me, as I smoked too. But it shows you that men will lie about anything that could scupper their chances. For that reason it's very hard to get to the truth.

I find that a lot will be revealed just by spending time together and talking. Ultimately you can meet someone anywhere that has deep dark secrets! Its not exclusive to online. Trust your gut, is my best advice. Most negatives show up sooner rather than later.

Some things you can put on your profile straight away - whether they have kids, where they live, whether they're a smoker or not (and yes they can lie about all of these things). And also check their profile. Then you ask some things in the first few dates - e.g. whether they're a Tory, whether they like golf, what their view is on vegetarianism etc.

After that, I agree with @SpringleDingle below - the first few months are a mutual interview - so you can chat about sex and their history, find out about drug use, periods of unemployment, why their previous relationships broke down etc. Don't get complacent in those first few months!

@MonikerBing

Some things you can put on your profile straight away

According to..?

OP, you can put anything you want on your profile straight away. I've got a friend who made a list of requirements and deal breakers, and that was her profile, in bullet points. She met someone quite quickly and they've been married for years. Don't follow someone else's rules!

@Epidote

Whether people lie or change their minds has no bearing on whether/when to be open about relationship requirements. Basing anything on that means there's never any point in asking anybody anything. Crazy logic. Say/ask what you want, when you want, and if that's all on day 1, so be it.

Of course; by definition dealbreakers would end the relationship, so I'd want to know before I invested any time/energy into something that is a non-starter.