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Original poster

Another "will he propose" one...

42 replies

JanuaryGreen · 07/01/2024 10:17

In short:
Together 8 years, living together 5 years, 1 child together, small money issues, not engaged

The long story:
Together 8 years. We honestly have what I would consider to be an amazing relationship! We have a 2 year old child. We get on so well, day to day family life is filled with love and laughter and happiness!

We earn enough to get by but would both like to be a lot more financially secure and are working on that as our goal for this year. That is the reason he is giving for not proposing.

He wants to do the big proposal, make me feel special, give me a "moment" and part of me thinks ya know what, I bloody deserve it so yes I do want a bit of the fairytale! But I can't help feel at little sad I'm not just bloody engaged!

I read threads here all the time saying if he hasn't done it by now he isnt going to, etc etc and they are getting in my head a little.

Any perspectives looking in from the outside? Please be kind.

OP posts:
JTRSOP · 07/01/2024 10:25

I was in your situation except we’d been together 11 years with a one year old. He always told me he wanted to do the big proposal but in all honestly, the way he wanted to do it was just never going to happen. In the end, I was just talking about wanting to have the same surname as our child and I suggested getting my name changed and he just causally said “let’s just get married.” He was washing up at the time!

I didn’t expect it to happen like that (if ever) and we got married six months later.

Have you suggested it rather than waiting?

Didimum · 07/01/2024 10:25

He wants to do the big proposal, make me feel special, give me a "moment" and part of me thinks ya know what, I bloody deserve it so yes I do want a bit of the fairytale!

But why does this have to be expensive or dependent on his earnings? On the face of it, looks like an excuse and that he’s dragging his feet to me.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 07/01/2024 10:29

What do you want more - a 'big' proposal or to get married?

Original poster
JanuaryGreen · 07/01/2024 10:35

@JTRSOP we had spoken about doing something like that, then we attended a wedding where the B&G had children. I think my partner saw how nice it was, how emotional the groom got, etc etc, and now thinks that's what we deserve. I can't really explain it properly but I think he wants to show how proud he is of me and our family.

@Didimum because he can't afford the ring he wants to get me! And he wants to do some sort of special proposal like a break away for example which all costs money! I'm not fussed by an expensive ring or anything like that to be honest, the cost of it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but I'm very sentimental so I would like it to be good enough quality to last me 😂

OP posts:
Theemptydollshouse · 07/01/2024 10:35

Married 35 years and don't understand why women want the "fairytale."

It seems so ... cringey. Is it for Insta?

You're an adult not a princess. With children! Tell him you want the legal protection marriage brings so you and he will get cracking and book the register office. Any trimmings are optional.

Original poster
JanuaryGreen · 07/01/2024 10:37

@DisplayPurposesOnly an engagement is very symbolic and significant to me personally. I value the sentiment behind it. I'm not fussed over a big expensive proposal and the marriage wouldn't happen for a little while.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryGreen · 07/01/2024 10:40

@Theemptydollshouse disagree with everything you have said to be honest! I don't even have Instagram so no it absolutely isn't about that! And I think people had nice marriage proposals before social media existed.

Our child has plenty of legal protection. I'm not in the UK and paper work has been filled out for all of our protection that I'm not willing to discuss so this marriage for protection thing isn't what this is about either! A proposal and marriage is purely a symbol to us!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2024 10:42

You need to talk to him. As you are living together with a child then you should be able to talk to him openly about marriage and a firm timeline for this to take place (so not an engagement lasting years and years). The boat for traditional here has long since sailed.

Theemptydollshouse · 07/01/2024 10:42

So crack on and propose, woman, cos he ain't going to do it anytime soon!

TrashedSofa · 07/01/2024 10:44

Nothing you've written suggests he's going to propose any time soon.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2024 10:47

"A proposal and marriage is purely a symbol to us!"

It seems to not matter that much to him given also what you write about legal protections for your child being in place. There is nothing about protections for you personally.

What does marriage mean to him; have you ever had a conversation about this subject?. And if you are not in the UK either what are legal rights like for women in your country of residence?.

Velvian · 07/01/2024 11:02

Whose last name does your child have? Do you still work full time? If the answer is his name and you're a SAHM, there is no incentive for him to get married.

Original poster
JanuaryGreen · 07/01/2024 11:08

@Velvian we both work full time

OP posts:
2024BigWhoop · 07/01/2024 11:12

My husband proposed to me after 3 years together on our living room floor. It was so unexpected and so romantic.

If after 8 years he still hasn’t proposed then I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Wanting some big fancy Fairy Tale engagement is quite childish really and I imagine he’s glad you want one as it gives him the perfect excuse not to crack on and propose.

To be honest, it doesn’t even sound like the wedding is particularly important to you, you just want some “big show” of an engagement. It’s strange.

Didimum · 07/01/2024 11:13

@Didimum because he can't afford the ring he wants to get me! And he wants to do some sort of special proposal like a break away for example which all costs money! I'm not fussed by an expensive ring or anything like that to be honest, the cost of it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but I'm very sentimental so I would like it to be good enough quality to last me 😂

So if this is the case then why is it only his choice? You should be an equal and active participant in choices that involve you. Plenty of affordable rings are to use enough to withstand daily wear.

Daphnedu · 07/01/2024 11:23

Gosh people really piss on your chips on here. What’s wrong with wanting a big life event in the theme of love to be special. Maybe op is religious. You really are a miserable bunch of prunes.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/01/2024 11:23

I think some people are being really quite rude about what others may want from a proposal or wedding. Just because you might be happy with a ‘marriage then?’ and registry office doesn’t mean that others are wrong to want something different.

My proposal wasn’t a fairy tale. It was DH taking me out for dinner on my birthday and getting down on one knee. Apparently, he had a speech prepared but it went out of his head so he actually said nothing at all. 😂 It’s a funny story for us now. We had a big wedding as we both have lots of family. It was a great night. I wanted to marry him because I love him and knew I wanted to be with him forever. I’d have married him anywhere! The big wedding was just an opportunity to have a party and we could afford it. I didn’t care about Instagram posts but I shared photos on Facebook as that’s the easiest way to share them with family and friends.

OP, I would have a proper discussion with him about it and lay out what you want. If he wants the big proposal but you aren’t that bothered, maybe come to a compromise.

Daphnedu · 07/01/2024 11:23

That doesn’t mean her partner has to want the same, hopefully they can work out something for both but why can’t op have an opinion on a big life event.

Theemptydollshouse · 07/01/2024 11:25

Gosh people really piss on your chips on here. What’s wrong with wanting a big life event in the theme of love to be special

Nowt wrong really ... until it gets to 8 years and it's not happened.

You really are a miserable bunch of prunes

😂

TrashedSofa · 07/01/2024 11:31

Daphnedu · 07/01/2024 11:23

Gosh people really piss on your chips on here. What’s wrong with wanting a big life event in the theme of love to be special. Maybe op is religious. You really are a miserable bunch of prunes.

There's nothing wrong with wanting that. It's just that when women post threads on here like OPs, they're posting because it isn't forthcoming. If OP felt confident that she could indeed have her big, special event celebrating love, she wouldn't be posting.

Also, neither of them can be that religious if they're living together and have a DC whilst not married.

Kwam31 · 07/01/2024 11:50

Instagram has a lot to answer for, a big proposal.
It's 8 years in, just talk and arrange a wedding, why is it you deserve this? does he deserve it??

Muchof · 07/01/2024 12:30

How would it be a fairytale? You are already living together and have a child! I am baffled that he doesn’t want to get married because he thinks the finances need to be more secure but yet they don’t to have a child. Surely having a child has more of an impact on finances than getting married. Sounds like a load of excuses to me and frankly if he hasn’t managed to find the right time in the last eight years, it suggests it is not a priority for him.

DustyLee123 · 07/01/2024 12:32

Why don’t you propose to him? Then you’ll see if he means it.

theduchessofspork · 07/01/2024 12:35

If you are short of cash then I don’t think the big ring is happening any time soon - there are an awful lot of other things you will need to prioritise.

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to dodge marriage, he just isn’t bothered.

Just tell him your LO is now two and you want them to have the security of a mum and dad who are married. Does he prefer July or August. And then crack on and plan it - small weddings can be lovely and romantic.

It’s important you get married for financial security for you and your child. (Really sorry to sound like your mum)

theduchessofspork · 07/01/2024 12:37

Daphnedu · 07/01/2024 11:23

Gosh people really piss on your chips on here. What’s wrong with wanting a big life event in the theme of love to be special. Maybe op is religious. You really are a miserable bunch of prunes.

Nah they aren’t. It’s just the reality is if the OP’s partner hasn’t got to it, he isn’t going to, and the bitter prunes of MN know that women who aren’t married to their kids’ fathers can get financially screwed over.

It’s not that one can’t also appreciate a lovely wedding, it’s just looking out for the OP

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