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Relationships

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Original poster

Another "will he propose" one...

42 replies

JanuaryGreen · 07/01/2024 10:17

In short:
Together 8 years, living together 5 years, 1 child together, small money issues, not engaged

The long story:
Together 8 years. We honestly have what I would consider to be an amazing relationship! We have a 2 year old child. We get on so well, day to day family life is filled with love and laughter and happiness!

We earn enough to get by but would both like to be a lot more financially secure and are working on that as our goal for this year. That is the reason he is giving for not proposing.

He wants to do the big proposal, make me feel special, give me a "moment" and part of me thinks ya know what, I bloody deserve it so yes I do want a bit of the fairytale! But I can't help feel at little sad I'm not just bloody engaged!

I read threads here all the time saying if he hasn't done it by now he isnt going to, etc etc and they are getting in my head a little.

Any perspectives looking in from the outside? Please be kind.

OP posts:

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 07/01/2024 12:38

What does he need to get married for? He's got you, kid, house, all set up exactly how he wants it.

If he wanted to marry you he would have proposed ages ago, and if you were worried about tradition one does wonder why you've had the child before the wedding. If you want marriage youre going to have to take the bull by the horns and ask him yourself. The good news is, it's not the 1800s and you can do that if you want to. You also don't need a ring to get engaged.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 07/01/2024 12:42

I know everyone's different and you should have what you want but I just said to DH one day when eldest DC was about 9 months old "so are we getting married my love?" and he said "if that's what you want" I said "yes I do, very much so" and he said "good me too"

And we got married with just two witnesses in the following september.

Cost us £45 plus registrars fees. Still happy 12 years later.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2024 12:46

And another ‘ask him yourself/crack on and organise it’ one…

MMmomDD · 07/01/2024 12:53

These dreams of bug proposals and events where you need to work for years to be able to afford it - are frankly ridiculous.
Years later you’ll look back and think - why on earth….
Instagram, Hollywood, fairy tales - is the reason little girls grow up dreaming of it.

You both are working hard to better your financial position - which is great. Don’t waste your money on a party - put it in a house, use some for travel to give you and your child experiences, etc.

Get married with close friends/family around with the sort of party you can afford. Rather than pretending to throw money around.
Get a simple ring, upgrade it later.

And marriage is not about the party. It is the legal arrangement that gives mother & child most protection. Rest of romantic bs is
just that - made up.

TheSpruce · 07/01/2024 14:02

It's all well and good saying he wants to be able afford this and that. But how far along is he with it as a savings goal? If he hasn't even started, there's your answer.

The money isn't going to magically fall from the sky - unless he wins the lottery...

theresnolimits · 07/01/2024 14:19

Leap year this year so you could do it yourself!

40 plus years ago, my then boyfriend and I just had a chat over dinner and said ‘we love each other and are going to stay together, so shall we get married’. No trip away, no big ‘moment’ but such love and commitment in that conversation that I totally treasure it.

My ring was teeny tiny cheap but all we could afford. Sits in the drawer now but still means a lot. If I was doing it again, I’d buy antique/ second hand. I sold some of my gran’s jewellery at auction and couldn’t believe how cheaply it sold. And you get something unique.

I suppose I’m saying ‘frame it differently’. Anything can be a moment with the right person and second hand jewellery can reflect your personality and quirk.

Honeychickpea · 07/01/2024 14:50

TrashedSofa · 07/01/2024 10:44

Nothing you've written suggests he's going to propose any time soon.

Or ever. If he has excuses to avoid an engagement, what are the chances of marriage even if he does "propose"?

Azerothi · 07/01/2024 15:27

Can you not just accept your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you and move on. You've been together as boyfriend and girlfriend and he doesn't feel you need the legal protection of marriage, I think you'll just have to accept being his girlfriend. You might be happier if you can accept it.

2chocolateoranges · 07/01/2024 15:32

I think after 8 years he’s never going to do it, you have a home and a child together what will getting married change to his life? He has everything how he wants it.

dh knew before we had children that there would be no children unless we were married. He knew this was important to me.

ive seen too many women, have children without getting married and they have been left high and dry as they have had no financial security etc that goes along with marraige.

reesewithoutaspoon · 07/01/2024 15:33

Its leap year. Propose to him. You got 7 and a bit weeks to plan something

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/01/2024 16:00

Unfortunately he doesn't want to be married to you, look how long you've been together AND you have a child together

The finances is just an excuse.

I wouldn't propose to him, however I would be having a conversation about expectations and dates.

A proposal is nothing really - what's the point of being engaged if there's no wedding to follow

SkaneTos · 07/01/2024 16:15

OP, tell him

"You are the love of my life. We have a child together, and we have created a life together. I am so happy to be with you. Our life is filled with love and laughter and happiness.
I love you so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I know that you want to do a big proposal. You want to give me a very special moment. I appreciate that!
But I love you so much, and I want to be engaged with you now! And I want to marry you soon! So if you don't hurry up with the big proposal, I will propose to you!"

muddyford · 07/01/2024 16:41

My DH wandered in with shaving foam on half his face and asked me to marry him! Unexpected. It's the doing it, not necessarily doing it so it looks good on social media. Tell him you just want to be married to him.

Needmorelego · 07/01/2024 16:54

As @reesewithoutaspoon said.... It's a leap year so you do it 🙂
(I mean you could do it anytime but if you are all about symbolic traditions.....)

YaWeeFurryBastard · 07/01/2024 18:31

This question comes up time and time again on mumsnet and the answer is very simple every time.

If this man wanted you to be his wife he would have proposed and married you by now, I’d say 3 years max is the timescale for a man who knows he’s met the woman he wants to marry to propose. If it goes past this point, he’s clearly not that bothered, sorry. They usually fake some excuse about it being too expensive or just a piece of paper, but the answer if clear, if he really thought you were the one you would be married and nothing would stop him. Also you’ve got a child so no real incentive there for him either as he’s already got a family set up without having to make a legal commitment.

Not relevant to you OP sorry but for any women reading - if you want marriage, do not have a child without being married first this isn’t to manipulate a bloke into marriage, but to give you the ability to leave with ease and have your family with a man that values you and wants the same things.

HappiestSleeping · 07/01/2024 18:35

@JanuaryGreen this year is a leap year, so February 29th is your chance to propose to him? That is pretty special.

Burntouted · 07/01/2024 19:16

What's wrong with you proposing to him, or the both of you having a discussion and just setting an appointment to go to the registry together?

What's wrong with just continuing your relationship as is?

There are many ways to get legal protection without getting married..if legal protection is what you desire.

You personally should be generating an individual personal seperate income and put it aside anyways..in case this relationship doesn't last, for whatever reason.

There is nothing wrong with desiring what you desire...it's just that you two need to think logically and make responsible decisions now...especially with a child and already financial issues.

You two don't have a disposable income. You don't have "fairytale " money, you two have court registry and a very inexpensive ring money.

Or continue the relationship as is.

A "fairytale" proposal, ring, wedding expenses, reception, etc... is no reason to go into more debt for...especially when you have a child and other expenses that money could be used for.

He probably doesn't want to get married. It's already been 8 years and a child. He is seemingly content with the way that things are..he is also probably trying to protect himself too...perhaps he doesn't want to ever get married or not marry you.

It sounds like the both or only you genuinely want this event because you feel as though you have something to prove to others, and you want to impress them.

Sounds like you two may be incompatible. You want marriage and he really doesn't. (Sure he may say that he does. . And if he eventually marries you, it's only to shut you up so that you can stop nagging him)

If you require marriage, why did you have a child with him?? The child should have come after marriage.

Are you still going to stay if he has no plans marrying you??

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