I want to end it with my boyfriend but I’m pregnant.

[Anonymousmumtobe24]

I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We got together very fast and I wasn’t expecting things to move as quick. When we first got together I was drinking and partying heavily as I’d just got out of a 8 year relationship (abusive) I wasn’t taking life too seriously. I wasn’t aware that my boyfriend was the way he is. He falls in love very fast and is very over baring, he tried to move in with me after a week and was telling people we were going to get married after a few months. Because of my mental health at the time I didn’t see what I see now I thought things were normal untill I sorted my self out. As soon as I realised I didn’t love him or even like him I tried to end it but he threatened to end his life. There are too many reasons to explain why I don’t want to be with him I can barely have a conversation with him because he is too much, too needy. The problem is he puts on a show for friends and family so no1 will be expecting this he is close with my family as he is pushy and invites himself over to my family’s houses. I had sex with him 9 months ago when I found out my Nan was dying I got drunk for the first time in months and it resulted in me getting pregnant. I am over the moon to be expecting as I never thought it would happen for me, I love my baby and I can’t wait to be a mum. I have my own home and a good job. But now I have to tell my boyfriend that I don’t want to be with him because I can’t be this unhappy around my child. I feel horrible and I am scared that he will try and end his life. Our relationship hasn’t been “normal” we don’t spend time together or have sex or anything I’ve tried to end it loads of times in the beginning but he said he would kill himself or he would threaten to put my private life all over social media, so I just stopped trying I started coming up with excuses not to see him. He thinks we don’t do anything together because im pregnant and haven’t had it easy even though I do things with friends and family. He pretends everything is fine he brings me flowers all the time tells me he loves me 200 times a day which makes me feel so guilty. He thinks everything is fine and we are going to be a family im dreading the upcoming months I don’t no how or what to do. He is too much I don’t love him he’s overly nice, he’s fake, he doesn’t have an opinion on anything just agrees with me. We’ve never even argued before. I can’t put it into words how unhappy I am. It’s not fair on either of us surely he knows something is wrong but doesn’t confront me. There is a lot I haven’t said my reasoning for not wanting to be with him because it’s hard to put into words but I’d really like any ideas or advice on how to go about this. Thank you for reading

What a very tricky situation OP.
You really should have ended things with him a long time ago when you first realised he wasn't what you wanted but ultimately you can't allow his threats to bully you into staying in this relationship.
Does he live in your home with you?

I think you need to discuss this situation with family and friends so they have a better understanding before you tell him. They can support you for when you are ready to tell him.
It's an awful situation to be put in when someone is threatening their life if you don't behave the way they want you to.

He is not your responsibility.

Try and get rid of him
before baby comes, it will be harder afterwards and he’ll probably try and say it’s just post-natal depression you don’t really mean it.

It’s so hard to do, but you just need to bite the bullet and get it over with for the sake of your own happiness and sanity, and for your baby.

Can you have a trusted friend close by on standby in case he doesn’t take it well or you need some support?

If he talks about ending his life point out that such threats are emotional abuse and tell him to see his GP. If you’re genuinely concerned that he will harm himself then call the police, but you don’t have to continue in a miserable relationship.

Family & friends may be surprised but will likley be supportive once you’re free to explain what it has been like.

OP you need to end this, it's a real mess and it should have stopped a long time ago. He sounds like he has mental health issues and extremely low self esteem - he seems to have no personality/opinions because he is desperately trying to be what he thinks people want him to be. You cannot stay with him just because he emotionally blackmails you into it. Instead of telling him you don't want to be with him or you want to end things perhaps reframe it as you think you'd work better as friends and coparents - make it sound like a positive that is good for both of you. I also think it would be a really good idea for you to do the freedom programme.

IMO ending the relationship a week before the baby is due would be unwise. I think you should wait a while and let him be an involved Dad and help and support you through the early days, weeks, or months and then make a decision. He is going to be a part of your life for a very long time since he is the baby's father and a week before due date is not the time to create a major upheaval.

Speak to women’s aid who can help you. The tactics he’s using are abusive I’m afraid. You’ve made the right choice to end it. I’d think strongly about the birth certificate and his rights too

Also it’s highly unlikely he does harm himself, but if he does, he is his own responsibility

OP you've jumped from one abusive relationship to another. You are not responsible for his behaviour and he is abusive for threatening to kill himself.

End things immediately, do not give the baby his surname and see a solicitor about contact arrangements preemptively. I would also recommend the freedom programme to spot red flags for future relationships.

Sending love and good luck

I disagree. I get what you're saying but I think waiting will make it worse.

The OP breaks it off now, very clearly and honestly. She needs to set out what the arrangements will be for seeing the baby and what she expects from him.

I wouldn't put him on the BC either but I know many will disagree. I see him continuing to be a nightmare.

She does not want him mooning around her when she's got a young baby to care for. He's sounds horribly suffocating and I can imagine him either being like that with the baby too or getting jealous that he's not her focus. I'd also bet he'd be useless in any practical way.

He won't kill himself and even if he did, it would not be the OP's responsibility. I know that sounds harsh but it's true.

Speak to women's aid for advice.

Call an ambulance or the police the next time that he threatens to kill himself.

He is dangerous and you are becoming increasingly vulnerable with each day of pregnancy. Do not feel bad for this man.

I agree. Don't put him on the BC but it won't make much difference legally if he wants contact. I have been in a similar position myself.

Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you that way.

Don't be blackmailed into staying. If he kills himself, it's not on you.

Do a preemptive strike with friends and family telling them to block or delete him at the moment of breakup, or come clean about things he might use to manipulate you via them.

I've experienced the "if you leave I'll kill myself" line. It's emotional abuse.

You have to do what is right for YOU and YOUR BABY. You are not responsible for your bf or hus actions.

Lean hard on friends and family. You'll be surprised hiw much they'll want to help you. Get rid if this man, but safely. Ring the National Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. They'll offer advice on how to handle this situation.

I agree with what @lavenderphase has said. I was in a very similar position before the birth of my eldest - it's better to end things now rather than when baby is born.

Good luck OP x

If you read any post twice OP, read this one by strawberrysea. Over and over again. He is abusive, this is emotionally manipulative behaviour and will continue and escalate now you are vulnerable.

Stop worrying what he might do to himself. That's on him and you cannot allow him to emotionally blackmail you into a miserable life with him.

Stop worrying about what others might think if you end it. For starters, you may be pleasantly surprised. Even if not, it's your life, not theirs. You can't subject yourself to a miserable life for fear of the judgement of others.

Focus on your baby and your own happiness. You don't love this man, you don't even like him. You will never be happy if you stay with him and that lack of happiness will impact your child.

There is nothing to be gained by waiting, just rip the plaster off and move on with your life. He doesn't need to like it and he doesn't need to understand it for you to get him gone. You just need to find the strength to do what you know is right for you, and ultimately right for your baby. How he deals emotionally with your decision is his problem, not yours.

So you dont live together?
hes only a boyfriend vs married?
do you have supportive people around you to help you in the early days of baby being born? Eg family/close friends?

end it via telephone. If he threatens to kill himself, call the police for a welfare check every time, he will soon stop. This is him being abusive.
if ge says he will put all personal info about you over socials, theres nothing you can do. He will look like s spiteful dick and tbh will help in the long run with child access. Make sure you screenshot all he does as evidence inc texts. This is also a tactic of someone being abusive.

why dont you also speak to womens aid for further advice.

best of luck op. Stay strong x

You’re completely on point, that’s exactly how I feel. It’s easy for people to say I should have ended it a long time ago but they don’t no my mental state at the time. I’d just come out of a very long abusive relationship and the way my boyfriend was treating my was nothing compared to what I experienced prior. I thought that it was me and my issues because everyone I no said how nice of a person he is and how lucky I’ve found someone like him.

i have asked my mum to come for tea tonight and I’m going to tell her everything. We are really close and I no she will help me it’s just so nerve wracking. As for the birth certificate he will not be on it. I want him to be apart of baby’s life but on my terms, as I mentioned there is a lot of things I haven’t said on here and they come into it where my baby is concerned.

He doesn’t live with me I live alone. I barely see him unless it’s a hospital appointment or something to do with baby. But he thinks this is because I haven’t been well. He constantly blows my fone up being nice asking how my days been ect then it’s all about him. All day every 2 mins he wants to text me question after question.

That’s great, hopefully your mum will be a good support to you. Also make sure you tell your midwife and get it written in your hospital notes that you don’t want him at the birth. The birth partner is there to support you. Not as a spectator sport.

He also has another child that he doesn’t see. The mother of the child doesn’t allow it but this is not through the courts. I have never met her but he said her reason is because the child doesn’t want to see him, he is 8. He pays full csa to her and has told me that he has to be on my baby’s birth certificate to prove to csa that he has 2 children now so they can calculate his payments to her. Does anyone no if this is true? Will csa need him to be on my baby’s birth certificate? I no it’s up to me but just wanted to check this.

thank you for all your replies, honestly feels so good to finally talk about this and see other people’s reactions it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

I don’t know about the csa thing- you should easily be able to find out online though. However as you’re not married then the only way for him to be on the birth certificate initially is for him to be present when you go to register the birth.

That’s interesting about his other child. I wonder if you could contact her? Would be interesting to hear her side of things. He sounds unhinged

He tried to move in with you after one week, red flag, well done on putting your foot down and saying no

He can apply to be on the BC btw through the courts so just be aware of that but if he has a child from a previous relationship and doesn't bother I doubt he will with this one either. I don't think he does need to be on the BC, you can just open a claim and then he'll have to link them?

You are doing the right thing OP, I know it's daunting but you'll be absolutely fine. You sound like you have a good support network that will help you!

Yeah he keeps using the other child as an excuse to do things for example he wasn’t allowed at her birth so he text me the other day saying he can’t wait to pack mine and the baby’s hospital bag and what does he need to buy. I did tell him it’s already taken care of and then I got text after text asking if I’m sure is there anything I need it doesn’t sound bad to some people but when it’s been hours of him asking it becomes over baring. Also during scans it’s all about him he will break down crying very over the top but no tears. And then he will tell the story of how he’s experiencing this for the first time. Again it doesn’t sound that bad but it’s how he does it. He thinks he’s moving in when the baby is born for a week because I’m having a section I’ve told him multiple times that’s not happening but he still insists, my mum lives at the bottom of the street and is going to be staying over night while I am recovering I can’t imagine spending more than hour with him while I’m in pain.

i have told my mum everything today, the first thing she said was could it be my hormones. I told her everything and she said to wait untill after the baby is born, she knows my boyfriend well and she said it wouldn’t surprise her if he tried to harm himself this was before I told her he threatens to do that. She didn’t seem that surprised and said I have to do what’s best for me and the baby. She said to start and distance myself from him and he might not take it as bad but it’s impossible if I don’t text him back for a few hours he turns up with flowers. If I give him one word texts he sends me paragraph after paragraph saying how much I mean to him and that he loves me untill I reply. We already don’t see each other or have sex so I’m stuck on how to be distant. If I thought he really wouldn’t try anything I’d do it straight away but I no he will try to kill himself and he will make it public, he’s the type to take a selfie in hospital and post it to social media.

I will enquire about the csa thing but either way he’s not going on it