Friends - Always making the effort

[Helpisneeded100]

Hey,

Just looking for some objective opinions. I feel I am always the one making the effort in the friendship groups I have. If I didn’t make the effort to make plans I feel the friendships would fade and I would be left with nothing. I don’t mind organising nights out, lunches etc and everyone seems to have a good time on them but I guess I am a bit exhausted by always putting myself out there and making the effort. I suppose it would be nice if they made an effort for me?

what would you do in this situation? Let them go and be lonely or keep going as is?

thank you 🙏

This is a tough one. Because some people tend to be the initiators and fall into that role. I have done too and after a while I just feel resentful and taken for granted. I like reciprocity. So I tend to pull away and focus on myself or see other people. But it is difficult. I think friendship is almost a lost art. People need to make effort for there friendships.

Know what you mean. My friend has got better now with plans. She says Im more organised. But of course they happy to sit back too.. but your right nice for someone else to take the lead

Some reciprocity would be lovely. Just to feel included, wanted and part of a group really. Not to be the one always driving the group and meet-ups. They do organise meet ups with other people so I guess I’m low on their agenda which is fine but a part of me feels like I need to have some self respect. If they aren’t bothered then why should I? You know? But that would leave me lonely and isolated, so perhaps not the best thing to do. I guess I am feeling exhausted and wiped out with it all and at the start of a new year I just wonder, why bother?

Op I cut back we friends with one couple. Kinda left it up to her now if they want meet... or not lol

@Mary46 I hear you, I feel like doing this but then if I did I may never leave the house 🤣🤣

There was a similar thread earlier this week so this seems to be a very common issue. I don’t have a solution as I am in the same boat - if I don’t organise something I will never see my friends again. I have decided that there is a small group of friends I do want to keep in touch with so will happily make the plans - even if it is always me reaching out- and others I have just let them initiate plans or else I will just not be the one constantly making the effort. You may lose some friends but question is whether they really were your friends to begin with.

Same...I posted about this the other day.

@Jammylou sorry to hear you have the same issues. What are your plans?

A lot of people take friends for granted unless/until life goes tits up. Then they expect there friends to just be there.

I've let so called friendships go and happier for it.

I enjoy my own company and the older I can't be bothered with people! Prefer my labrador for company 😆

What other qualities do they have, which are good?

Some people find it stressful or just don't like organising for other reasons. Some people excel in a supporting cast role. Too many people in a group wanting to own organising can cause problems if it means nobody is getting supported. This is why I asked about other qualities, I'd want to form an opinion taking in a whole person, rather than one aspect.

Having said that, I also think a person doing the organising should only ever do as much as they're content doing, so rather than choosing between a binary option of organising/stop doing it, consider less and how much less would make you feel happier. This is what I aim for, so that my only concerns are people showing up.

Are there social groups near you, such as meet up groups or even other kinds? Maybe you could supplement what you organise with events/activities other people are organising that way? My socialising includes:

1. Things I organise, with friends or through social groups
2. Paddle club
3. Retro computing group
4. Social board gaming arranged by local cafe
5. My allotment group
6. League/cup bar billiards games, and practice sessions with the team
7. 2 different casual running groups
8. Some stuff I'll do solo, like gym and exercise classes

Mixing it up like that widens my circle and shares out the burden of organising things to do. How much I do via each option varies over the course of a year

What keeps you and your friends together? Is it the fact you all have children the same age, or you work together, or you do a sport, walk the dogs together..what it is?

I bake on a Sunday afternoon (if I’m not working). So my friends know that every Sunday there is cake and coffee ready. Some knock on my window, some I text if I made something they particularly like and some text saying: if you’re baking this Sunday, may I have a bit of cake if there will be any left. Even my DD swings by for 15-30 minutes for some cake.

I like playing cards, I have a group we all take turns in hosting cards night once a month. The host provides nibbles/dinner, we even meet up during the week, no alcohol involved, we play some cards, catch up.

What I am saying is there has to be a theme, a common interest, makes it easier.

I made a very conscious effort to seek connections elsewhere and see.what sticks. I'm very happy to see old friends....and some of them are amazing! However, I found that I was spending a large proportion of my time and effort facilitating friendships in a very one directional way. I just got sick of it. I also got very hurt when I realised that other little cliques were operating and I was just being a mug for being the back up friend. I have very little contact with a few people who I considered really loyal friends since I stopped making all the effort. I feel.sad, but I also value myself so have had to let them go a bit. I've not fallen out with anyone so will be here for a coffee and catch up if they realise they need to make a bit of an effort.
My efforts to connect with new people ha e taken time, but been fruitful. I'm building new friendships with some nice people. I've had to be open to connections. Not everyone will be a best friend, but that's OK!
Another angle on all this is that I spent a fair bit of time thinking through my own reactions and triggers.. I realise that I don't actually need loads of busyness and can allow myself to step back from people who make me feel.bad about myself. My recent efforts have shown me that I am likeable and I can build meaningful social relationships with people so I don't need to worry about being friendless and lonely! My mum has been a good example here.too. She has a thriving social life but along with her old friendships, she also has lots of lovely friends who she has met since she was 50/55. Again, this gives me confidence that friendship building can be a rewarding lifelong endeavour and it's not game over once you're past 40! Good luck op!

I think Im like a previous poster its not worth the hassle of chasing people and their days replying. So I leave it now. I am meeting a friend tomorrow which is nice though.

I hear you OP apart from one friend, if I didn't initiate meeting up I'd see no one at all.
It's hurtful at times. I don't know what the answer is. With repeat offenders I have slowly started to withdraw.

I have decided to lessen contact to anyone who doesn't bother with me.
I still have some friends who make an effort so that will be enough for me. If not reciprocated they aren't friends.

Can you set up some regular meetups where people take turns to host or you all do a hobby at a venue say once a week or month? Then you don’t need to keep making yourself vulnerable by organising it.

I have some old friends who take it in turns to host long weekends, go on holiday together and some local friends who I meet once a week but then do other things with, a regular dog walking friend plus regular other hobbies where I’ve made new friends and spontaneous meet ups.

But I have sadly had to let a very close friend go as she didn’t initiate much and it made me feel pretty surplus to requirements and felt unequal. Good luck at making some equally reciprocal friends in 2024 OP.

I do this too OP. I think the problem is some people are just a bit useless at being the organiser/initiator. To me, if the person wants to meet that's the key thing. If they're always cancelling or putting it off then I'd not bother with the friendship. I think they are two different things

I'm the friend in this situation who never organises anything and without friends like you I would have no friends. I'm just always busy organising other things and then always feel guilty I'm a crap friend. If I got dropped for being so one sided it would be fair but I'd be very sad about it. So from friends like me a big thank you to friends like you!!

Same. I had one friend who keeps saying to a mutual friend that I need to contact her to arrange a meet up. I don’t want to because of her behaviour, but she won’t ever contact me because she’s never organised anything in the 20 years I’ve known her.

lots of my friends live around the country and all expect me to come to then. Never the other way. One moved closer, still 3 hours away. We were talking about meeting up and immediately it became you need to come to us for lunch. I pointed out that would be ridiculous so finally agreed we would meet half way for lunch. She then cancelled because her husband wanted to come (no idea why, I vaguely knew him at uni) but was at work, and I didn’t chase up to rebook. I’ve not seen her for 15 years, I want to see her not her husband.

I fell into this category of being the organiser not sure how though

I have several friends who are always the ones doing the leg work with organising/reaching out to arrange a meet up.

I do feel guilty, but the truth is that they just want to meet up a lot more frequently than I even think to. They always message to arrange something three or four weeks after we last met up. If they left it a week or two longer I'd certainly reach out myself!

Good thread. It be nice if friends took lead a bit more than leave it to same people to plan things.

Another one in a similar boat here. I do have one friend who I would have considered my closest friend. We used to spend a lot of time together and saw each other weekly. She has had some changes in her life and I feel like her priorities have now changed so she has made less and less effort to meet up. She texts fairly regularly but rarely initiates meet-ups. The last few have been me and I've decided I'm going to wait and see how long we go for before she actually arranged something.

I also wonder if some people's needs/expectations are just completely different. I worry that perhaps I just need more from a friendship than some of my friends do, which is why there is an imbalance.