What got you through your breakup?

[seeitthroughmyeyes]

NC for this. Recently ended a LTR with a partner whom I'm currently in the process of trying to buy out (Still living together).

I haven't been heartbroken since I was 17! So all these emotions feel so raw to me and my precious breakup took me 3 years to get over because it ended so drastically (Christmas Day).

As it's my decision, I'm hoping it won't be half as bad as my previous experience but I'm going to have to live on my own for the first time and accept losing mutual friends.

How on earth am I going to cope?

Therapy.

Gym.

Romanticising quiet nights in by lighting candles, watching movies & nice dinners etc.

Hill walking.

Doing things I love like cooking & seeing friends. But also taking time to grieve the relationship.

These steps are always so uncertain and if only we could skip them.

What worked for me, after trying to break up several times but always going back, was be brutally honest with myself. I wrote down the bad bits that made me so unhappy about him, then if the emotion of missing him came by, I let it come, digested it, and moved on from it, also told myself that over and over to trust myself again. I am 4 plus years on and like you I was the one to break up. I knew it was the right decision but that did not make it any easier per say, but in the end I was confident that I made a good choice for me.

Let the emotions come, be kind to yourself and trust your decision. Let yourself move on but with kindness. Get to know you again, take up your lost hobbies now that you may have more time for yourself, and take yourself out for coffees, cinema, whatever floats you forward.

I am going through something similar. It’s very hard. Perhaps we can support each other and rant.

Thank you for responding. Your words mean a great deal @justanothermanicmonday1 @HopeFloatsAbove.

@Happyfeet84 I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's gut wrenching isn't it? Worst part, as we still live together, I won't feel the real effects until he moves out, then I reckon it'll hit me like a ton of bricks.

What's your story?

We also have 3 holidays booked this year together which is making me feel EVEN WORSE. Going to lose out on money and worst part is I found out my partner was going to propose whilst we were away. Urgh.

Aww. That actually sucks! But from this thread, it seems like you are a sweet and understanding person , you know what you want and that is the first big step. It is so hard breakups, and I can’t imagine what living together is like.

I think the best thing right now is to have a schedule and minimise time you see each other, so get out of the house and go to the gym, see your friends, sign up to new clubs. And maintain that routine after he leaves.

I say all of this but even still sometimes its so hard and defeating

Yes, I agree, keeping contact to a minimum is the only way I'm going to survive this!
How are you doing?

It’s been hard actually. It’s my first break up after a 5 yr relationship . I keep feeling that I will never do better and end up settling and that I lost a good guy.

Yes, I'm in the same position, which is why I'm awake at a stupid time of night. DP (not living together but planning to) split up on NYE but we've been going through that bumpy bit of rehashing on and off. He's been so damn cold and hostile it's like a slap in the face. I feel a bit like I'm being punished for something.

I'm feeling so sad, depressed, sick. What I find helps is remember that it does come in waves, and if I watch enough break-up reels on TikTok and then distract myself with other things (work, TV etc) to get out of my head, it gives me a relief from the grief.

Reading with interest to get more ideas.

I totally relate to this. I'm 48 and it's quite likely there isn't a better relationship out there for me, even though this one had some flaws and incompatibilities (which I was pretty much dumped for raising).

Doesn't help I work in a female-dominated industry so won't meet any men unless I do online dating, and that's HIDEOUS in this age-bracket.

The break up and realtionship reels have really helped me too
plus the usual common sense (no contact , grieve it , exercise )

but seeing the message over and over and realising it’s not just me
this is human
and it’s ultimately the right decision x

@Indifferentchickenwings @1clavdivs @Happyfeet84 So sorry to hear all of you going through the same or similar pain.
It's odd, how even a stranger on the internet can cause the grief to dissipate a little bit.

I'm also in the same boat. Feel as though I will never meet anyone as loving and trusting as my ex DP. But remember, we've likely all been through heartbreaks before and got through it.

It's such a weird feeling heartbreak. I just want to sleep for a year or two so I can forget the pain.

I'm with you all on this one!
How someone can just change after promising you the world, finally falling to sleep then waking up having almost forgot then you remember and that feeling in the pit of your stomach.

I think writing a list of the good and bad in your relationship normally helps, and remembering if someone really loved you or wanted you they'd never treat you how they have or be willing to let you go.

We just have to ride the wave of emotions, remember times a healer (as cliche as that sounds) and be kind to ourselves x

I am struggling a lot with the physical symptoms such as not falling asleep, not eating, constant pits in my stomach, the panic wave. Anyone have any ideas on how to overcome that?

I'm the same, to be honest I think we just have to ride it out. Try eat something as it does help, even if it's just some toast or a banana or youre favourite foods. I find eating does help me sleep more or even just getting out for a walk and clearing your head can make you feel a bit tired. Not much help I know, you'll get through this with time x

@Flash15x inspired by you I just did "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" list which was really very illuminating. I mean, for sure 'The Bad' were the minor-ish irritations that every relationship will have and is totally outweighs by 'The Good'. But it's the bits in 'The Ugly' section which is really illuminating.

My DP basically stonewalled then dumped me because I raised some things I wasn't happy about in the relationship. They're big things and could be dealbreakers if they're not sorted, but surely all relationships have conflicts when it comes to everyone's needs, and you need to have a way to express needs, and if there is conflict, to find a way to cool off and come back together to talk calmly? I thought that was a fundamental thing.

DP and I had been together for nearly three years and in that time we had had three arguments (including this one). The last was over a year ago, and he did similar - went silent then said things were over as I wasn't 100% happy in the relationship. We just don't argue. But I've realised that one of the reasons we just don't argue is because it's so catastrophic when we do, that I keep my mouth shut about things I'm not happy about.

I raised this as a serious issue - that we need to do conflict better and I can't understand why he gives me the silent treatment then the relationship is ended every time we've argued, and he said 'because I don't do drama'. So this means me expressing my needs or any frustrations are dismissed as 'drama' and I have the threat of rejection constantly.

Just writing that kind of thing down on my "Ugly" list is really illuminating. Things can't work if it's like that, can they?

The only way I know how to overcome this is to accept it will happen for a while, but that I only spend a limited amount of time acknowledging it and sitting with the feelings. I try for a change of scene (eg a walk), try to find an absorbing podcast or TV programme, write in my journal some of the things I've appreciated that day, do some Duolingo. Anything that I have to focus on. It doesn't stop the underlying anxiety, but it drags my conscious focus away from it for a while, which helps me to not spiral into it.

You’re right! They won’t work, problems will just build up and eventually it will pop. I am in the same situation, my partner feels that I am being argumentative and complaining all the time. It has become defeating

Your relationship sounds a bit like mine was.

No relationship is all sunshine and roses, my ex couldn't deal with conflict. He'd get defensive, make out I was a drama queen.
So when we did argue it was explosive like you, he said we don't often argue but when we do it's big, which I think was a build up.
So many times I kept quiet like you did for the sake of not wanting to upset him, or for worry if I raised a subject he'd just throw the towel in.
Which eventually he did. My feelings were never validated.
We had one big bust up a few weeks before Christmas, and the reason we ended was because something had changed in him and he'd changed, he'd tried to work through how he was feeling incase it was a phase but after working through it for a week realised he was better alone.

I think you are completely right, it's how you deal with it. Sometimes it's best to cool off, have a night apart, sleep on it or whatever and then approach things with a clear mind and work out what the issue is and what you can both do. Communication is everything in a relationship, if you can't be honest or feel as though you're able to express your feelings or emotions then it won't work.
You deserve someone who will listen and try to understand x

I always think how much easier this period of my life would be if I had people like yourself close to me. I feel less alone now

I feel the same as you.
I moved back to my hometown last year after living somewhere else for quite a few years so I'm quite isolated apart from family.
I often wonder if my break up would be easier if I had people around me I could go out with etc.
I feel more like I'm mourning the loss of the life I had with him and the company of him rather then him himself.

Exercise and healthy eating - I was already doing this but I set new goals.

Therapy.

Spending time with friends who let me cry and talk about it.

A wonderful solo trip to South East Asia.

I can really relate to this. I don’t know how I am going to meet someone as good as exDP, but we have to have hope. 😊

Doing all the things I love with absolute freedom, and thus realising, very scarily quickly, that I'm happier single.

@Flash15x wow, our situations here are so similar, and reflecting on what you've said, I don't even think it's the case that the eventual arguments themselves are explosive. They're really not, they're upsetting but not what'd I'd call explosive. It's the AFTERMATH that's explosive. Any argument results in this catastrophic fracture. He interprets it as the relationship being over, even to the point where he literally HEARS me saying the relationship is over when I absolutely categorically have not, and then that is his conviction and he can't shift from it. Or won't.

And then when I (legitimately I feel) have said "why does this happen, we need to be able to have conflict without breaking up every time" he says it's because it's because he doesn't do drama.

It's occurred to me - he's always said he doesn't do drama, and that always suited me as I do not enjoy conflict, and I thought by 'drama' he meant situations where people manufacture conflict for the 'fun' of arguing it out, then playing games to see what the other person will do etc. 'Drama' as in manufacturing it for entertainment. I don't like that either.

But it came to me like a lightning bolt today that he's never meant that at all. He means he doesn't like ANY kind of argument or conflict, even if it's a genuine attempt to communicate and sort out issues.