How the fuck do I get over the bitterness?

[arlsford]

So my husband walked out about two years ago, a couple of months after our son turned one. I did not see it coming although, obviously, in retrospect I should have.

I know it's a cliche but as soon as I got pregnant something shifted, and really escalated after our son was born. Complete avoiding spending any time near me/us. Working all hours (despite being furloughed he went into the office every day to 'show willing') said he couldn't help when he came home because he was tired from work, wouldn't do overnights because it was my 'job' and he had his, lots of snarky comments about house not being tidy enough etc. Then talk of watching me on the babycam and Ring doorbell and checking my emails etc.

My son is perfect, but he was a very unwell baby and woke 5/6 times a night screaming til he was maybe 18mths old. I'd had a really traumatic birth and was going through quite severe undiagnosed PPD. Didn't have any support around as my family aren't from the UK and it was lockdown - NCT groups had been online and no one from mine had stayed in touch so I felt completely isolated and really believed it was all my fault for being a bad mother and wife.

Anyway, one day he left. Said it 'wasn't fun anymore'. I had been asking him for marriage counselling for months beforehand but the response was 'you're the one with the problems so why would I go?' He got very nasty (which I never reciprocated - I was too broken) in the immediate aftermath. Told me I was an unfit mother, that the sex was shit, that I was lazy. Told me he'd always been ashamed of me around his friends, that I was an embarrassment all while I was crying, sitting on the floor holding our baby. Just completely broke me.

He then told everyone we knew that he 'had' to leave because I was an alcoholic (I was drinking too much and confided in him that I was scared about how much I was relying on it - he said he was too busy with work and I needed to figure it out on my own) I know this because he told me himself. I never heard from my in-laws or any of our mutual friends after he left.

Anyway, now he gets to live his life in the city we moved to together, completely carefree. No parental responsibilities or expenses - can date/travel/work/go to gym/whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Every time I see him for handover (once a month) he's all chatty, laughy, looks in great shape, new clothes etc and it just makes me so angry.

I feel like he's effectively trapped me in a life I never wanted and I feel cheated out of the one I was supposed to have.

I was forced to move back to my hometown in a different country and in with my parents, had to take a step down in my career, have lost all self-confidence and am exhausted, full of shame and fear and feel like I'll never be happy again. I'm now dowdy, stressed, broke, hopeless - and I am genuinely scared I'll never be the person I used to be. I don't want to live in this town, and I want to return to the city we were in before and pick up my career but I don't think I can raise my son with no practical support at all nearby.

I love my son so much it’s painful, and yet I genuinely feel like I'm drowning. And the unfairness is killing me. He was the one who pushed for marriage and for us to have a child when we did. Now he just gets to walk away from everything and have this exciting life while I feel trapped and alone forever. Am I ever going to not feel like this? I don’t want bitterness to consume me but it really feels like it’s threatening to and I don’t know how to climb out of it.

I’m so sorry. My ex left when my youngest was a baby - though not as young as that. So I can imagine a tiny bit of what you’re feeling.

When your son gets older he will realise which parent truly cares for him. The bond between you will be huge. His dad doesn’t realise what he has lost as he gets on with his carefree life.

On a practical note, is he paying you any support?

Why does he have no parental responsibilities or expenses? You are/were married so you are entitled to a share of all assets.
Although he is clearly a shit human and lacks empathy ( not someone to aspire to stay with anyway), accept that were you are at is from choices you have made, likewise, where you could be is down to you.
Move back to the city if that is what you want. Your ex either gets to provide more childcare or he pays for the childcare you need while you maintain your career. It's never easy with DC's but there are ways round it.
Your ex can do what he likes, however, he can't run from who he is and has to live with that. In the long run you will probably be the most fulfilled, if you spend your energy on sorting out what you want rather than envy of what he seems to have.

I’m so sorry he treated you so badly.

He sounds like an arsehole and I think you are better off without him.

Try to shrug off him and his existence now and focus back on you. You’re doing an amazing job and your child needs you. That is a bond and relationship for life and worth every moment of effort you are putting in. It will all be worth it.

I hope the future holds lots of happiness for you xx

I'm so sorry OP. I had a similar experience although we were not married. He will not see our child at all and similarly has a completely carefree life.

He is now 5 years behind us. During the really tough early days ( he had a long affair etc ) I kept myself going by thinking about who / what he actually is. It was also helpful to speak to a counsellor. Those conversations made me really see what an awful selfish cowardly person he is.

Being a single parent is demanding and it has taken me a few years to build a local network (I have no family close by). It is possible to start building a life for yourself and it does get easier as your child grows. It is possible for you to look at working towards the life you want? Even if it takes some time and very small steps you can achieve a lot and change things. Wishing you the best for 2024.

Hi op similar boat here in terms of how my ex treated me when I became pregnant and 'needy' and the contempt with which I was treated. He told me that he found my personality so unattractive that having sex with me would be 'fake' a few days before we broke up (me telling him I felt up set still about this was what triggered him to walk out on my as this was apparently selfish of me to bring it up before work). Mine walked out just before my 34 week appointment and has been a nasty bullly ever since (I have a nearly one year old). I also moved in with parents for support - lucky we are all in my home town so I can still see my friends. I'm sorry you don't have that option - can you make local mum friends through classes or an app like peanut or frolo?

Your question is about the bitterness. It's still there a bit. What has helped is

• counselling. It really helped me to process what had happened in terms of the abandonment but also the way he treated me in the relationship and the things he'd said about me.
• building a good network of local mums.
• taking each day at a time and not worrying too much about what will happen next.
• rememering to have boundaries with the ex
• reminding my self that when I'm being 'nice' to ex I'm just acting in my sons best interests to facilitate their relationship and that I love my son more than I hate my ex.
• reminding myself that my ex is heartless and has real empathy issues and even if he love bombs another victim, the same issues will keep coming up and he'll never really really be happy.
• not following him on social media
• prioritizing my own health and fitness. I have lost so much weight and got stronger and it's a big ego boost and I know he notices.
• getting on dating apps. I was afraid that this would be awful, and no one would want a mum but it couldn't be further from the truth- I got totally overwhelmed by how much attention I got from guys that seem decent and sorted out in life and I've been on a date with a lovely dad who seems emotionally intelligent - when my ex annoys me now I just think 'I can do so much better than how you treated me and that's what I deserve'

Ps do you have the option to move back to that city and do 50/50 child care with your ex or would you not want that?

He told people he left because of your drinking and yet he left you in sole charge of a baby, anyone who believed him will have thought him the hugest most stupid arsehole ever.

Things sound really rough for you at the moment 💐

One day, (but not for a while, probably) you will realise that actually he has done you a massive favour by leaving:
He is not the man you thought he is. In fact, he's a man-child who cannot cope with not having your sole attention. He's taken advantage of every weakness you have shown to him (in hope of support) to belittle you, gaslight you and make you feel small. It's the only way he has of justifying his behaviour to himself, meanwhile leaving you doubting yourself.
It's natural to feel bitter because you thought your life would be one thing, and now it is another. I too felt shame, until I realised it wasn't my shame, but XH's for being a coward and never owning up to his own failings, which he always turned around on me.
You need to try to recognise that this is the case for you too (unless I've read your post wrongly), along with realising that actually you've been a single parent all along, as he was only there for the good bits while you had to deal with all of the tough stuff.
Why am I saying this? Because you are far stronger than you think just now - you can cope with being a parent and doing a dozen other things at the same time. You are prepared to put your child first.
You might feel at rock bottom just now, but it does get better. In time you will learn to recognise yourself as a capable, strong woman - that's when you start to get your 'old self' back.
I have to be honest and say that my experience has left its marks on me (emotionally speaking), but the one thing I do know now is that I deserved so much more - and you do too.

I loathe the word bitter. It implies to me that the anger or resentment or sadness you feel is somehow unjustified or should have been "got over" by now. The thing is, he may have left you X time ago, but the day to day reality of his absence is current ever single day. It's not in the past, something that happened and is done with. Mine left for ow nearly a decade ago and has minimal involvement. I don't seethe with rage anymore but I still feel a deep sense of injustice that I carry all the load in every sense. It's not the central fact of my life but there's something every week that I can't do or can't afford or is so much more difficult because it's just me.
I have got more "zen" as time has gone on and I have systems in place and the kids are now if an age I can leave them alone to go stuff for me. I can't force him or change him to step up so I pick my battles and just shrug off a lot. My kids are now doing what everyone said they would and distancing from him as they realise what a sad excuse of a dad he is. It will get easier OP, but do allow yourself to feel aggreived. It's justified.

Stay as far away and have as minimal contact with him as you can. His new clothes might look smart but his insides are rotten.

Ach OP me too: bunch of utter cunts, these guys. I hope their dicks get bitten off by werewolves I really do.

Against the odds me and my kids are making a real go of it now. If I can do it, you can too. It’s ok to be bitter. Life has given you lemons. Have a bloody massive gin and tonic with them and then climb out from below deck. You are the captain of this ship now OP and you are going to be a fucking pirate queen.

If a man told me his left his ex because she was an alcoholic, and then went on to tell me she had full custody of their child and he only saw the child once a month, I’d think he was a massive lying bellend. People do see through him, you just don’t get to know about it.

Why are you broke? Is he paying child support?

You get to kiss your baby goodnight almost every night and cuddle them first thing every morning. No swanky clothes or tosspot lifestyle can top that. You win!

And trust me (because I really can relate) he won’t be happy for long. Some people are “searchers”, never satisfied and think they’re missing something. You and your little one are a forever team.

Honestly you don’t. I still feel bitter every single day 7 years later. I don’t see myself as “winning” for having the kids as he doesn’t want them and even if he did he could just have more with someone else.

Thank you all so much for this. I’ll reply properly tomorrow, but reading your messages tonight has really helped me feel less alone/hopeless than I have in a while.

Op two years is nothing in terms of healing x
and you have had a broken heart and PND and a life Change and a small baby

is urge you to really look at what self care could look like for you and take some baby steps

I split with my ex 4 years ago and the healing isn’t easy xxx

and the good news is you can heal
and he won’t have a chance to mess up your kid

Can you access therapy? I believe that a lot of anger and bitterness can be unresolved grief about losses of a dream you had of a different life. Also obviously the practicalities of being left as sole carer isn't effing fair!!
It will get easier as your child gets older as well.

Embitterment also has a cognitive aspect which you can work on (as well as processing the absolutely central and understandable emotional component of it all, not denying that) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumaticembittermentt_disorder

Ignore the bit on wiki about the revenge aspects of this and am not suggesting you have this. I know you haven't described that at all - it is more the other symptoms like the sense of hopelessness and stuckness you described that is relevant, and am trying to demonstrate that you are not alone in being impacted by such a life event when you were vulnerable.

He sounds like a cunt.

How old is your child now? It took til mine was 3 before I felt back to my old old self. A bit more in control. Able to get on with life, focus on my work, focus on a bit of exercise and buying flattering clothes, plan our house renovations etc. I just didn’t have the head space for it before

maybe you will find similar? It is all baby steps.

then hopefully you’ll get to the point where you feel on track, feel in a better position than before, feeling good about yourself with a lovely toddler, possibly a new romance on the cards or the possibility to entertain one at least.

….and he’ll still be a cunting arsehole.

just visualise that place you want to be and hold on to the picture even when you’re having your worst day.

remember it’s all Baby steps. A yoga video on YouTube while your little one naps. Ordering new underwear online that actually fits (I’m dreadful for wearing stuff that is too small, full of holes and really needs going in the rag bag! It does nothing for my self esteem!), etc etc the baby steps all add up

@CharmedCult @Diymesss @Opentooffers no support, I moved back outside the UK so CMS doesn't apply. Annoyingly, we bought a house together after our son was born and I put down the majority of the deposit so he was the one who benefitted from the asset split (yes I feel like an idiot now!)

I'm sorry you went through this too and thank you so much for your response. Mine also cheated (although I only found out a couple of months after he left - when I was diagnosed with an STD).

@Diymesss @Trying2bemum thank you so much for mentioning the bond. I know it's obvious, but sometimes I can get lost in the day-to-day practicalities and struggling with my loss of independence and sense of self. I do know I'd suffer FAR more than this to be able to have my boy with me, maybe it just feels like I shouldn't have had to!

Honestly want to get this cross-stitched into a (fucking massive) pillow now, thank you 😂

in reply to @CharmedCult also. I do always wonder about this, can never really make sense of the radio silence from everyone even if they did believe it. And thanks.