How the fuck do I get over the bitterness?

[arlsford]

So my husband walked out about two years ago, a couple of months after our son turned one. I did not see it coming although, obviously, in retrospect I should have.

I know it's a cliche but as soon as I got pregnant something shifted, and really escalated after our son was born. Complete avoiding spending any time near me/us. Working all hours (despite being furloughed he went into the office every day to 'show willing') said he couldn't help when he came home because he was tired from work, wouldn't do overnights because it was my 'job' and he had his, lots of snarky comments about house not being tidy enough etc. Then talk of watching me on the babycam and Ring doorbell and checking my emails etc.

My son is perfect, but he was a very unwell baby and woke 5/6 times a night screaming til he was maybe 18mths old. I'd had a really traumatic birth and was going through quite severe undiagnosed PPD. Didn't have any support around as my family aren't from the UK and it was lockdown - NCT groups had been online and no one from mine had stayed in touch so I felt completely isolated and really believed it was all my fault for being a bad mother and wife.

Anyway, one day he left. Said it 'wasn't fun anymore'. I had been asking him for marriage counselling for months beforehand but the response was 'you're the one with the problems so why would I go?' He got very nasty (which I never reciprocated - I was too broken) in the immediate aftermath. Told me I was an unfit mother, that the sex was shit, that I was lazy. Told me he'd always been ashamed of me around his friends, that I was an embarrassment all while I was crying, sitting on the floor holding our baby. Just completely broke me.

He then told everyone we knew that he 'had' to leave because I was an alcoholic (I was drinking too much and confided in him that I was scared about how much I was relying on it - he said he was too busy with work and I needed to figure it out on my own) I know this because he told me himself. I never heard from my in-laws or any of our mutual friends after he left.

Anyway, now he gets to live his life in the city we moved to together, completely carefree. No parental responsibilities or expenses - can date/travel/work/go to gym/whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Every time I see him for handover (once a month) he's all chatty, laughy, looks in great shape, new clothes etc and it just makes me so angry.

I feel like he's effectively trapped me in a life I never wanted and I feel cheated out of the one I was supposed to have.

I was forced to move back to my hometown in a different country and in with my parents, had to take a step down in my career, have lost all self-confidence and am exhausted, full of shame and fear and feel like I'll never be happy again. I'm now dowdy, stressed, broke, hopeless - and I am genuinely scared I'll never be the person I used to be. I don't want to live in this town, and I want to return to the city we were in before and pick up my career but I don't think I can raise my son with no practical support at all nearby.

I love my son so much it’s painful, and yet I genuinely feel like I'm drowning. And the unfairness is killing me. He was the one who pushed for marriage and for us to have a child when we did. Now he just gets to walk away from everything and have this exciting life while I feel trapped and alone forever. Am I ever going to not feel like this? I don’t want bitterness to consume me but it really feels like it’s threatening to and I don’t know how to climb out of it.

Great advice.

I love this comment

I agree

Thank you so, so much for this. I'm so sorry you went through something similar - mine has also been quite vicious. And 'contempt' when we're vulnerable is exactly the right word! Although you have done an incredible job of moving forward, and definitely a lot faster than me.

To your points - yes I have been in counselling since it happened so I suppose I'm just frustrated that I'm still not able to accept things myself. I spent a very long time (a year at least) convinced it was all my fault and missing him though, so at least it's got me over that major hurdle.

You're right that I do need to make more mum friends, but where I've moved to is relatively small and everyone seems very settled - I'm embarrassed to explain my situation.

Taking each day at a time is honestly really helpful advice - I've been up late at night panicking about things like when will I ever be able to afford to buy an apartment for us and if I can't am I letting him down by not having stability, is he going to feel neglected once he understands the situation, will he hate me when he's a teen because of what his dad will tell him etc etc - obviously not productive. So I will try keep this in mind.

The stuff about the ex I think I am at least on board with, at long last.

Health and fitness - not so much. I've gone the other way with comfort eating, not exercising etc. I know some of it is exhaustion and depression but I've put on at least a stone it's definitely making me feel worse about everything. I'll try to refocus.

Dating... So I did try it when I was still living in the UK and I went on a few dates (I'll be honest, they were really just hook-ups 😬) with one guy who was super handsome and fun and very unlike my ex both physically and personality-wise - and you're right, it helped a lot. But now that I'm back home and thinking about the possibility of dating someone more long-term I feel a bit hopeless. Like every man will see me as damaged because I'm a divorced single mum? Like I hold less value or something - I don't know how to explain it because I definitely don't think of anyone else in those terms, just myself. I think men will always be like 'ohhh that's why he left' if I ever accidentally irritate them, or feel like I should be grateful that they're with me because I come with such significant baggage.

Annnyways that last bit is really for therapy to sort out! Sorry about the essay in response, you really did give me a lot to think about. I'm in awe of your determination and progress! Hopefully I'll get there soon.

No on the childcare unfortunately, I was there for a long time after he left and he would only do every other weekend (no evenings etc) and even then only if he could take him to his mum's - and would cancel his weekend if she wasn't free.

This actually made me cry (in a good way for a change!) thank you ❤

Nailed it.

Any man that puts pressure on anyone to get married or have a baby should be shown the way to the front door imo.
You will get back to being you again.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply I was pressured into either. I probably meant more he led the discussions on both, and I was leaning a bit more towards waiting a year before trying to get pregnant. But I absolutely wanted both. I think I was trying to clarify that he wasn’t pressured into anything!

My ex left me with a not quite two year old when I was 8 months pregnant with DC2. It almost broke me. Said he didn't know what he wanted any more.

His mum told lies about me to anyone who would listen, including her other son. It was truly awful time.

But I just held my head up and got on with it. He had very little to do with them growing up (his choice, not ours) and now my eldest wants nothing to do with him.

The bitterness does wear off over time. It helped me that I had (and have) such a close bond with my DC. He missed out on something he can never get back.

It's a shit time. But your ex sounds like an utter prick and you are definitely better off without him. You'll move on. And you will be fine, I know you will 💐

I ended up in a s* situation due to my ex and now my kids are doing so well. One has joined the RAF and is saving for a house. The other one wants to become a dr and is working towards it. They are kind and treat women with respect (I've seen this after the eldest was dumped the day before prom. Handled with politeness and dignity.)
They have turned out well due to me. Of course you have lost yourself as it's just you doing it all but you will gradually build yourself back up. If you can manage being a single mum in the future when you build your career back up that will be easier for you than it will be for others that have never experienced any hardship. You can show resilience. I actually spoke about overcoming the challenges of being a single mum in a recent promotion interview. You and your boy can do really well it's just hard as you are at the start of your journey. Even if your ex had the best social life in the world and was a millionaire he would still be a loser as he has chosen not to bring up his child.

There is another recent thread here that's going on now called 'life after emotional abuse' you might find that helpful too.

Please don't apologize for essay in response it good to read someone in a similar position and also to get feedback that I'm doing well as it doesn't always feel like this, it often feels like one step forwards two steps back.

What has helped me with the mindset of dating is I try and think of all my nice qualities, including being empathetic and understanding and not selfish, and tell myself that I need to find this in a man and I give it so I deserve it back this time and a relationship without this isn't worth the bother . So really anyone who sees my baby as a hassle doesn't fit my criteria- my baby will actually become a repellant of selfish men (of course apart from cock lodgers but I won't tolerate that again!). The man I'm about to be going
On a second date with has kids himself and seems to be a good dad doing
50/50 and also a good uncle to a little boy - I think going for other single parents is the best idea as they 'get it.' Who knows if it will work out with him or not - something else I noticed in my self was having a few 'is he too nice' type thoughts and I pushed them away with 'well I deserve nice because I am too.'

Please also don't worry about other women
Judging you at baby groups . Only about 1/4 of these women at mum and baby groups will be in very happy marriages remember. And they don't care if you're single or married mid week (although at weekends people often do socialize in couples or with families). And there are many of us single mums out there!

With the comfort eating and not exercising- that's a very straightforward goal to set yourself. Think of the self discipline as a treat you're giving yourself rather than restricting. Plan such healthy delicious meals and don't keep junk snacks or alcohol in the house (ask parents to hide them from
You if needs be). And plan the strength building exercise in your diary or you won't do it - classes are better for me as I have to pre pay and I can't stand to waste money. But YouTube might work too. Prioritize this during nap times or even next to baby when they're playing before washing up etc as you can do that in the evening but you won't do exercise at night. I'm sure you do enough cardio pushing the buggy around. Go to bed as early as you can helps too.

Ps I said keep alcohol out of the house because of the calories and how it encourages snacking and prevents exercise - not because I believe your exes view that you're an alcoholic

Ps I also stay up Late panicking about the guilt of why did I choose such a rubbish man, will he think his dad in more fun than me and want to live with him instead, and how will I afford to move to a big enough home near a decent school and I can't afford private school and here's no outstanding states near me Etc etc. but he's not even one yet. I've chosen him a good nursery so that's the first step!

Have you had a financial order put through the courts (through mediation). If not, you're still entitled to your half of the assets, so please don't give up on getting your share, it doesn't matter where you live now. You could do mediation on zoom (to sort financial/childcare matters/divorce) and finalise everything. He will have to be transparent with his assets, including his pension, which you are entitled to half of. If you can sort all this you will feel empowered xx

Don't do handover, don't facilitate this prick.

So sorry this has happened to you.
The above is great advice. Know that it will take a long time but each time you feel that bitterness spiral keep reminding yourself of your focus on yourself and your child. Counselling will help you to process it all in the shorter term. Best of luck x

Don’t feel ashamed of his actions and worried you will be judged, he is the one who is a c*nt, you have picked yourself up and you’re bringing your son up. He future faked you and then legged it and you have not had time to grieve. Please try to get your money back as it will make life easier and make you feel more in control

Hey reading all this and just want to send you a massive hug.

There’s so much I could say about what an utter twat your ex is, but this comment above really sets out the truth I feel. He didn’t want to be tied down by a child, but admitting that wouldn’t work get the sympathy votes in, so instead he’s just crafted this narrative that makes you feel like shit because it lets him bury any little guilt or remorse left. All the lies he spread, the shit he said to you. All part of the narrative he created to justify being a stellar prick clearly.

What really struck me also is despite all the pain you’re going through and how you’re in a life you never really pushed for, you mention how much you painfully love your son. The fact you still feel this way is what will get you out the other side of all this. As a mum of a 2 year old little boy I get it, and while I can’t relate to your issues with your ex I think you’ve done all the right things to help yourself and that with time things will get better.

Go easy on yourself, it takes something like three years for our bodies to recover from having a baby. I’d an emergency c section and a tough first year with my son due to a dairy allergy and no sleep, and it’s only this year I’m getting to address the weight and my health fully etc.

I don’t know you but I can tell youre a wonderful person who deserves to get her spark back and with all you’re doing you absolutely will. He didn’t deserve you. And he will never truly be happy that’s the reality. You’re not bitter you’re just grieving so much and grief takes time to settle. I wish you and your little boy every happiness x