He backed off once I invited him to come over

[Catladyireland]

This is a slightly funny one to phrase so I hope I write this correctly.

My on again/off again partner and I have a funny background. In the past I have often found him to be distant and not a great partner. We broke up a few months ago (I ended it) because I wasn't happy but we have kept talking, he is trying his best and I can see that. We have met for dinners, coffees etc but nothing physical has happened while we figure it out.

However, I have taken the 'next step' and invited him over to my house next week. This to me is a clear sign to any adult that I am interested in moving to the next step and he seems to have backed off. To me it was a big step and I thought about it a lot first. He said he'd like to but I haven't heard much from him since (we were previously speaking everyday). This is a bit weird, no?

Just bumping this in case anyone can relate.

Sorry to be bumping, just feeling a little blue!

He's not interested, it's not worth putting your energy into this anymore. On/off relationships never work out long term.

I don't want to be harsh when you're feeling down anyway, but I don't think he wants to take it to the next level. If I were you, I would stop contacting him, go on a few dates with other people, broaden your social circle and don't hanker after an unavailable man.

this is one of those things that when you are in it, you cant see the wood for the trees.
it feels like there is promise because of little things you are looking for and hanging on to.
but when you look back years later you will see that he really really wasnt interested and you knew it in your heart but couldnt see it.

when you meet someone who is interested you know straight away.

@ItsAllSoBleak this is such sound advice. He doesn't sound emotionally available.

Should I have the conversation with him?

It sounds a bit ridiculous to say 'I don't want to sleep with you anymore because you stopped messaging me'!

We had spoken a few months ago about sleeping together but I wasn't really to take that step/get back together so this took a lot of thought from me.

I was in an on off relationship for years. We were in a relationship then friends then sleeping together periodically. I couldn’t see woods from the trees. Any glimpse of attention I thought he was interested and we were just waiting on right time.

turns out I was back up and he was dating others. I stopped contact and went on dates. Met a lovely guy I am living with. Me and situation guy are friends. He never settled down and it’s odd seeing him dating at the other end.

That sounds very familiar @topgirlalways. It took months for me to get to this stage so it's very strange he's now backed off. Did he just want the chase.

Read baggagereclaim.co.uk and you'll know what's what.

He's what's called an Assclown

He enjoyed the thrill of the chase but now he knows he can have you, his interest has waned. Don't ever be someone's second best. You are worth more than this. Find someone who cherishes you and loves you and puts you first.

Op, he's not your partner.

No, he's not my partner but we've spent months with him trying to come back.

Should I speak to him about this or just back away?

@Catladyireland Catladyireland · Today 19:52

Should I have the conversation with him?

absolutely not. it will make you feel worse - guaranteed. back off and forget about him and at least you will have your dignity.

If you try to discuss it with him what are you achieving? nothing. it will upset you or send you down a greater rabbit hole of navel gazing analysis

He's not interested so you will either hear the truth which will be painful (met someone else I prefer or you annoy me or something negative) or more likely a lie - which depending on how skilful he is, will eat into your mind like a brainworm.

Say the truth is, hes met someone else, he might want to keep his options open to have a no strings sex so he wont tell you that but might say "I'm not ready for commitment." or "I'm too busy at work". What will then happen is you will be waiting around for him to be ready or less busy.

Its pointless and painful.

He enjoys the attention and ego boost but that's all he's in it for now. He doesn't want a relationship. Don't chase him, leave it. You don't need to write paragraphs about how your feeling or what your thinking. Drop it, leave it, see it as closure. You invited him round, he's backed off. There's your answer. He's not interested.
Meet a man that actually makes an effort for you and stop putting your energy into this head fuck. Nothing will chance, you can't convince him to love you. Don't let him ruin your self esteem. He's not for you, better is out there for you.

If it hurts it’s not love.

So many wise words on here. It's like all wisdom has left my body!

So ridiculous after months of him 'trying' and me trying to trust him again that he now does this.

I'll just leave it and if he does mention our dinner date again I'll just make some excuse.

This is a friendship at best. And not a very close one either. I would move on.

@Catladyireland i let go in my mind my situation friend. I knew it would never work. I was an option for him.

Very quickly met DP and it was different. No anxiety as I knew he liked me and I liked him. I was a priority for him.

Honestly it doesn’t need to be this hard if both want things to work.

I wouldn’t bother wasting more time on this situationship unless on/off and drama suits you.

It doesn't suit me. It has actually quite distracted me the past few days and I have felt like a teenager again, waiting for a boy to text. I feel ridiculous.

I thought I was entering into something potentially good with a 'changed' man so I'm a bit perplexed/wondering if I did something wrong.

What's the best way to gain back dignity in this situation?

This "thing" that you two have, is dysfunctional and unhealthy...

Perhaps time for both to end things and move on.

Don't continue to occupy and waste one another's time.

Stop being available for him. You could send a message saying that this situation isn't working for you any more and goodbye. Or simply block him, or both