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Original poster

DATING DURING DIVORCE

32 replies

Flash15x · 05/01/2024 11:44

I've been with my boyfriend just shy of a year. He's currently going through a divorce which isn't amicable and is becoming very expensive.
My boyfriend has been distant lately but says all is fine but when I've pulled him on it today he's said his not sure he sees a future and everything else going on is getting on top of him and making him question things, feels as though he wants to be on his own.
My biggest fear was always I was a distraction or rebound, his soon to be ex wife has met someone else also. He promised I wasn't.
I've gone above and beyond for him, supported him however I can, helped him financially etc and now I just feel really used.
Any advice on what I should do next please?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2024 11:49

Words are cheap op. Why did you act as some sort of rescuer or saviour to this man at all?.

Leave now and do not allow yourself to be used so again.

MrLbz · 05/01/2024 11:52

Yeah you were a rebound, sorry.

Muchof · 05/01/2024 11:59

Dump him and in the future probably best to give any still married man a swerve.

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 12:04

You've allowed him to use you. The best thing is to break up with him and find a man who has dated since his last break up and has all divorce papers finalised.
Of course he will say whatever to placate and assure you, you're his little gold hen! Until a juicier goose comes along.
You're treating him like he is doing you a favour by being with you.

Original poster
Flash15x · 05/01/2024 12:11

I probably have allowed him to use me.
I just knew things were tight or whatever and I'm in a position of being lucky enough to help so didn't think twice.
It's just rubbish when someone tells you that you're all they want and not a rebound, then all of a sudden wants to be alone.
Worst part is if I hadn't of asked he would of carried on and not said anything to me.

OP posts:
OlderandwiserMaybe · 05/01/2024 12:15

Anyone going through a divorce their head is bound to be all over the place. It's a very emotional time and your thoughts on your own future change as you go through the process.
for this reason it's never a good idea to get involved with someone who is going through it. connect - sure - date casually - sure but it sounds like you've been a crutch to this guy.

I'd be backing off TBH - tell him you don't want to get more involved until divorce is finalised and he's settled somewhere new. Then when dust has settled re-evaluate.

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 12:20

I don't say this because he wants space, it's very understandable to need space when you are going through divorce the problem is you are ready and expecting a full relationship when he can't give you this, anyone could see someone divorcing is going to be a rebound and of course he will tell you you aren't a rebound it's in his best interest to say this. His actions show you he isn't ready for a relationship but you keep giving so much for a man who is in no place to reciprocate which is why I wonder you accept crumbs when as a single woman you can have plenty of otger options. One possible speculation is that he is more good looking than you are used to getting?

Original poster
Flash15x · 05/01/2024 12:30

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 12:20

I don't say this because he wants space, it's very understandable to need space when you are going through divorce the problem is you are ready and expecting a full relationship when he can't give you this, anyone could see someone divorcing is going to be a rebound and of course he will tell you you aren't a rebound it's in his best interest to say this. His actions show you he isn't ready for a relationship but you keep giving so much for a man who is in no place to reciprocate which is why I wonder you accept crumbs when as a single woman you can have plenty of otger options. One possible speculation is that he is more good looking than you are used to getting?

Absolutely not the case, if anything his everything I'd never normally go for in terms of type and his lifestyle.
My issue is his been the one forcing things, only a few months telling me he wants us to move in together, almost love bombing me and now his done a full 360 almost a year in when my feelings are deep.

OP posts:
toomanyleggings · 05/01/2024 12:47

Men don’t respect women who go out of their way for them and financially support them when you’re only dating. He’s told you the truth now. He doesn’t see a future. Believe him! He may go back on it and mess you about a bit more but it will all result in the same ending. You’d be better off not giving him anymore of your time.
I read an old article about Emma Thompson breaking up with Kenneth Branagh yesterday and she said what she learned was how easy it is to be blinded by your own desire to deceive yourself.
Applies here.

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 14:00

That’s one reason why I’ve always said no to serrated men as in the majority of cases, the first relationship is a rebound and their head isn’t yet in right place.

This one sounds worse than that though OP, he’s actively used you for emotional and financial support and hen he shouldn’t have been dating - or just dating very casually.

Cut your loses and walk away. This one isn’t worth the stress

User69371527 · 05/01/2024 14:03

Do you mean you’ve given money for legal fees? If so how much?

springfaraway · 05/01/2024 14:05

I was also going to ask about how you helped him financially, OP.

User69371527 · 05/01/2024 14:05

And aside of the money, I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. It’s really hard when someone comes on very keen and you start to trust them and believe in it and let your guard down, then they do a 360. 😞
time will heal though so take some time for yourself, dust yourself off and you will be ok

User69371527 · 05/01/2024 14:06

I would have little respect for a man who accepted financial help from someone he’s been dating a few months

Original poster
Flash15x · 05/01/2024 14:17

Thank you for your responses.

I just feel blindsided and angry, my relationship would of carried on as it was if I hadn't of asked him the question today about seeing a future.
Not legal fees no just general bits like household furniture or paying for his family's/child's Christmas presents.
Worst part is we'd had words before Christmas and sorted things and I said I feel like you just want the presents from me I've paid for for people and come the new year you'll leave and I was right.

I think alot of it comes down to the pressure from his divorce. It's been going on for well over a year now and his soon to be ex wife isn't forthcoming which is resulting in high solicitor bills and I almost think he doesn't have time for me as he wants to work all hours to earn more, has credit card bills but if he communicated with me I could of tried to help him deal with things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flash15x · 05/01/2024 14:57

I've just spoken with him.
His response was he just feels like somethings changed in him and he can't put his finger on it... he feels like he's changed and feels like he needs to be a loner.

Can anyone translate what that means as for me I'm confused?

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 05/01/2024 15:47

@Flash15x

I think you are learning the lesson about not dating someone who's going through a divorce, especially if it's not necessarily amicable. You stand the chance of being used as support, either or both emotionally or financially when it's mostly about the relationship he's trying to get out of, worse if there are children involved.

You can't put the cork back in the bottle and wish it had never happened, but you could use this as a template, in the future, to steer well clear of the complications such a relationship would involve, especially for you. 🌹

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 05/01/2024 15:53

How long had he been separated before you started seeing each other?

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 15:56

Sorry OP but why the fuck did you pay for his furniture and families Christmas presents? Hes totally taken you for a mug here.

No man with any self respect would let a woman he’s been seeing less than a year pay for that sort of thing.

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 16:13

I imagine he doesn't want to be tied down again, feeling resentful over finances, maybe angry at women and the world. Probably down for FWB but nothing serious or committed.

Original poster
Flash15x · 05/01/2024 16:18

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 05/01/2024 15:53

How long had he been separated before you started seeing each other?

7 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flash15x · 05/01/2024 16:22

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 16:13

I imagine he doesn't want to be tied down again, feeling resentful over finances, maybe angry at women and the world. Probably down for FWB but nothing serious or committed.

Edited

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head. I was great as a distraction at first and almost a pawn in his game of I've met someone and no one thought I would and he was always told he was 'punching' (I hate that term) but now the novelty has worn off and it's getting to the point of bickers etc he can't deal with it.
I just wish I could go back in time but for now I can't I just have to put it down to life experience I suppose and heal.

However saying somethings changed in me and I don't know what but I've tried to work through it for the last week I find quite insulting.

Also saying he feels his neglecting his daughter who I've always been the one go make sure he does more with etc is also an insult.

OP posts:
toomanyleggings · 05/01/2024 16:23

Translation= He’s crap, he’s not interested in you, you shouldn’t be interested in him, you’re wasting your time.

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 16:46

Something changed in YOU? Huh, yeah you've woken up and smelt his BS. He's such a knob.

Muchof · 05/01/2024 16:56

Flash15x · 05/01/2024 14:57

I've just spoken with him.
His response was he just feels like somethings changed in him and he can't put his finger on it... he feels like he's changed and feels like he needs to be a loner.

Can anyone translate what that means as for me I'm confused?

Changed in him or changed in you (per your later post).

Well probably a moot point, the translation is he doesn't want to see you anymore. The words are waffle.