Husband always pays for his family when we go out and when challenged got aggressive.

[Strawberrywine1]

My husband every time we see his family has to be the one to pay for everything. We don’t exactly have a lot of money and I questioned why he always has to jump at the chance of paying for everything. Even his cousins children. I don’t think this should be the case. It would be nice if some of his family paid for a lunch, they are quite capable of doing so but seem to expect that we do.

When I asked him why he got quite aggressive. He wants them to think “he is the man” and all look up to him. I don’t personally see the point. I also don’t see why I don’t get a say or can’t even say anything without him getting funny.

Am I being unreasonable to think we shouldn’t really pay for every occasion?

Of course YANBU

If it’s his own money - he can do as he likes .
if it’s your money or shared money then I can understand the problem .

Isn’t this why it is important to have your own personal spending money, in your own personal account, totally separate from the joint account which is for all joint expenditures only.

then he can waste his personal spends on being the big man, and you can get your hair cut and buy another pair of shoes without the other person getting at you

@Fidgety31 it’s not even the money it’s this ego trip he seems to get from it.

Yeah, I can see why that’s annoying. It’s not attractive when somebody wants to buy themselves status, is it? Rather than making them look together it actually highlights their insecurities.

@Nospecialcharactersplease he will purposely fill his wallet with notes before going. It’s like putting on a show and I find it so ridiculous. But he wants his family to think he is the man for some reason.

If it's out of his account and not a shared account and as a family you aren't suffering then it wouldn't be a problem for me.

@Strawberrywine1 maybe he enjoys the feeling he gets from doing it .
Much like some people enjoy the feeling they get from spending money on new clothes, posesssions etc or buying their friends a round of drinks etc

it doesn’t mean he is wrong … just chooses a different way to spend and get his kicks

It is ridiculous… but what’s the backstory with his family?

That would give me the ick and I would tell him so.

Question: Do you not feel a bit grossed out by this weird neanderthal attitude? Like, it's a crazy old fashioned patriarchal thing that has literally no basis in common sense, doesn't that put you off him because it's just.. stupid thinking?

I understand the point about both people in a couple having their own money, however if you are married with children then it is also joint money as there is less all round for their own dc or lifestyle. It is wasting money because the OP gets nothing from it, her dh gets his kicks but that is not beneficial to her or her dc. What’s the payoff for OP? You have some give and take in a couple, however it feels unfair.

OP if you paid for your whole family on an outing, what would he say to you? It would be interesting to know his attitude.

My husband is guilty of this. He has a very dysfunctional relationship with his family so he can’t seem to help it. This is why I insist on separate accounts. I suggest you do the same.

YANBU but as he is doing this to boost his own ego, it will be very difficult to get him to stop.

Toxic masculinity meaning some men feel they have to be “the provider”. They have to show they are earning well.

even your/his language gives that away. Referring to being the rich and generous person as “the man”

Is he paying for your lunch as well?

He sounds like an insecure wanker.

I get why you're annoyed, but if he was always like this and you never discussed it YABU. My Dad and Uncle are also like this, some people like being generous

I'd refuse to go, so I didn't have to witness the pissing away of family money. You say you don't have a lot to start with. Infuriating.

I used to date someone like this and it drove me mad. Every occasion his adult kids, partners and their children would sit on their hands and wait for him to pay the bill for 10/12/14 people. Not one of them even offered a penny. And I’ve seen a waitress offer one of the SIL’s the bill only for him to say ‘give it to him’

He was like it with friends as well. People got to know if he was up the bar they’d go over for a chat knowing he’d offer them their friends their partners a drink. Very rarely did he get one back.

I did raise it a few times but he got arsey and said it’s his money and that’s what people expect from him so he can’t let them down.

To me these men seem to have a cross between people pleasers and old fashioned ‘I’m the big man’ attitude.

Does he think he’s Tony Soprano?

If we invite we pay, if we are staying with them (they all live far away), we will take them out for a meal or pay or a takeaway. Same for them in reverse.
Sounds like he wants them to think he is rich!

He is basically hiding his insecurity about not being as well off as he would like to be. It's stupid, counterproductive... but is a male trait built in by nature as men needing to be seen as the providers.

My wider family has started to use mobile phone apps that allow you to divvy up meal etc costs (or just ask the waitress to do it). Your husband needs to be convinced simply to say before the next outing that as he has paid for the last X meals this time he'll use the app. No one can complain.

When people above say "it's his money so he can do what he wants with it", that is all well and good if you're flush with money but if scrimping then he can't be splashing the cash like that.

Sadly you need to persevere with the conversation and make him see sense and that the money is better spent on his own family. Have a think about how you can repeatedly have the conversation without it becoming an argument... things like this can be deep rooted in a man's psyche (I am not forgiving it just simply saying some irrational things do go on in the human brain)

Good luck

This is very odd indeed.

Is there a backstory?

Did he actually say to you that he wants them to think that 'he is the man' - or are you paraphrasing or interpreting what he is really driving at?

Are there no other men in the family? It seems quite a strange thing to expect respect, honour and obsequience for, just for being what 50% of all adults are!