Husband always pays for his family when we go out and when challenged got aggressive.

[Strawberrywine1]

My husband every time we see his family has to be the one to pay for everything. We don’t exactly have a lot of money and I questioned why he always has to jump at the chance of paying for everything. Even his cousins children. I don’t think this should be the case. It would be nice if some of his family paid for a lunch, they are quite capable of doing so but seem to expect that we do.

When I asked him why he got quite aggressive. He wants them to think “he is the man” and all look up to him. I don’t personally see the point. I also don’t see why I don’t get a say or can’t even say anything without him getting funny.

Am I being unreasonable to think we shouldn’t really pay for every occasion?

He's just being taken advantage of and he's too egotistical to see it. Does he think they respect him? They certainly don't see him as someone to emulate, do they? You don't notice them fighting to pay.

Does he often get aggressive with you?

He’s probably been lying to them
about his job or salary. He’s not trying to be the man, he’s trying to act wealthy

If you have plenty of cash you can get to pay first, as people hunt for money or cards you are there with the cash already in your hand, saying OK I've got this. I have done this to stop others always beating me to pay.

Some people do feel it's their duty to pay, particularly for family, if they are the oldest child or they know their parents are strapped for cash. Or yes just to show they are not tight, don't want the embarrassment of no one stepping forward to pay.

If he can afford it I don't see a big problem, if he's spending the family silver...

This is so common! Especially with those who struggled financially when young, in my experience. The men from the less well off working class side of my family are a nightmare for this.

The sense of pride is bound up in being seen as being able to be generous, the Big I Am. Wealth as a signifier of masculinity and worth. “Look at me, head of the family.”

It’s also a show of dominance over the other people (well, men) at the table. However, if they have any sense they’ll think, “free meal, nice!” rather than engaging in any dick-measuring conversations too.

It’s a load of patriarchal nonsense, obviously. However, challenging him when you’re about to go out is a confrontation that will only make him double down.

Talking about it without immediate consequences, asking why it’s so important to him and what would happen if someone else paid, and why, is more likely to be effective in my experience.

(or an exasperated “Oh for fuck’s sake, grow up! Paying for things doesn’t make you a man.”)

The problem is that you still see in society (and on a lot of threads on mumsnet) that being a man does mean you should pay.

When I asked him why he got quite aggressive. He wants them to think “he is the man” and all look up to him.
Sorry but this is an immediate ick, demonstrating the size of his bollocks, just no 😒
What do you think would happen if you raised this again and said you were unhappy and that you had paid for more than enough? Personally I'd be telling him it needed to stop.

Yeah this. ^

Also, some posters have asked 'is it his money he is spending?' They are married. It is NOT HIS MONEY. They are a unit, a couple... the money should be pooled. The OP should have a say in this.

Sounds like your husband has a saviour complex* *@Strawberrywine1 Wants to look like the BIG MAN! Does he fawn over other women who seem helpless and 'in distress' too?

I’m afraid I agree with PP, this is a massive ick!

Showing off about your wealth is bad enough, but trying to appear more wealthy than you are is even worse.

He wants to be MR BILL BOLLOCKS. He's showing off but doesn't really have the finances for it. It would absolutely piss me off.

This is what we do and it's the most sensible in my opinion unless other arrangements have been agreed to (like it's something they want to do for us to celebrate an event etc...)

He has issues with his childhood. I get paying for his mum but his cousin and cousins kids?? I think he want to
look like he’s made it but it’s just really annoying me, it’s showing off.

When I asked him why he got quite aggressive. He wants them to think “he is the man” and all look up to him.

Urgh. Kind of a red flag and deeply unattractive.

Hmm...I don't actually think it's that unusual. I don't know how often this happens but it seems a generous trait. It seems as though you're seeing the negative in it OP.

MR WILLIAM BOLLOCKS Esq, if we're being formal