Anyone split over constant sleeping?

[MaxIrritation]

DH sleeps more than anyone I’ve ever met, it’s literally all he wants to do. Day or night. If he disappears or goes quiet you can bet he’s lying down and sleeping. We’ve got 3 DCs and 2 dogs. I’m not working at the moment (which I hate, I can’t do what I’m trained in due to an arrhythmia that developed a few years ago) but also because if I did work I’d have to outsource literally everything at great cost. I do all the life admin for the 5 of us. Three separate schools, two teenagers, one in junior school. Two very active dogs, house cleaning and maintenance inside and out, cars etc etc you get the drift. DH works full time and I don’t so I know I need to pick up everything else. But if he’s not working he’ll sleep unless I bust him and get pissed off. I’ve asked him to take our youngest out on his bike this weekend, which he will do. But he’d never do anything with the DCs unless I was very explicit about what needs to be done.
Just walked upstairs and he’s sleeping on the bed in pjs with laptop open but off, and felt like I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep getting angry all the time

Surely this is more than just sleeping. I sleep a lot.

Does he work ridiculous hours or is he depressed? This sounds really excessive otherwise, and I say that as someone who adores my bed!

How's his mental health? When I was in the deepest depths of depression years ago, all I wanted to do was sleep. I could sleep anywhere at any time and would sometimes spend 18+ hours a day sleeping and only get up to eat and use the toilet.

Excessive tiredness can also be symptomatic of several health conditions. I think a trip to the doctor would be first port of call... But if he refuses to get help and sees nothing wrong with constant sleeping and leaving everything to you, that's unfair and you'd not be unreasonable for considering your options.

He works an office job so not crazy hours, he works from home 2 days a week and 3 days has to commute which does mean a long day (3 hour round trip). He’s always been like this, I spent the toddler/baby years doing all the mornings alone. Last year he took on a big promotion and almost fell apart under the stress. I talked him into going to the GP who started him on an SSRI. That improved his mood (he can be quite prickly) but the sleeping continued the same

The very obvious first thing, is his health ok?

Does he have medical issues? That's not normal.

What does he say when you challenge him on it op? The thing with sleep is, the more you have it the more you want it. If I was let, I could stay in bed much more than I do!

Is he overweight or unhealthy or depressed about something? I think you need to have it out with him.
My ex husband used sleeping to opt out of family life. But he'd always wake up right away if sex was on the table? Do you still have a love life?
Even if he works full time he doesn't get to opt out like this.
Both my brothers in law work full time in stressful jobs but they still do loads at home. Cleaning, cooking, looking after the children including night feeds and gardening.
They are both slim and fit and always on the go.

My ex would nap up to three times a day. He would go for a shower, then I’d find him asleep in bed. If he disappeared for any length of time, I’d find him in bed. Or he’d take naps on the sofa.

He was healthy and it was just something all his family did. One Christmas at my in-laws I went into the living room and found three sleeping bodies. Plus he had been in the military where they learn to nap when they can.

I used to joke he had two speeds, dead fast and dead slow. However, he didn’t need naps when he was with his mates or doing something he enjoyed.

Yes it’s fucking annoying, because with kids there’s nearly always something that needs doing and napping is a way of avoiding it.

He would doze on a sofa in our kitchen and I was expected not to make any noise. He also complained he couldn’t sleep at night so would stay up til crazy hours. He didn’t see any association with naps and not falling asleep at bedtime.

If your husband cant get through a day without napping when it’s something he enjoys it could be a health issue.

My DH starts work ridiculously early 6am in the winter and 5am in the summer, he finishes early though but still collects our DD from school, cooks dinner etc he should sleep a lot more tbh, and goes to bed about 9ish. Maybe you should have a good chat with him, he shouldn't need that much sleep?

Health issues - I wouldn't describe him as healthy but I've always assumed that's lifestyle. He's sedentary and has gone through periods of really heavy drinking where his weight has crept up. The GP has done general checks, but I don't think he's discussed the excessive sleeping with the GP and perhaps he should so they can check his thyroid function etc. He doesn't think the sleeping is a problem though. He thinks I'm the weird one for always being on the go... but I feel I have to be because there's always something I need to be doing!

I raised it a few weeks ago and he didn't say much. I tried to ask why he thinks he needs to sleep so much, if he knows anyone else who does. He mentioned people at work who say they spent the weekend catching up on sleep. I asked if these people have kids and the answer was no. He can get very defensive when you raise anything negative, then he calms down and thinks about. When we were in our 20s I said nothing to avoid an argument. Now I'm older I avoid conflict less and he's less volatile but nothing changes really.

When I'm not around (if he's away or I am) the DCs tell me he never gets out of bed before midday. I used to work shifts, and if I was working a weekend day he'd let the kids fend for themselves and would get up at 12. I only discovered this when they were old enough for mobile phones. He gets up earlier if I'm around, so he is making an effort in that respect.

He does have energy for things he enjoys, like going out with mates and golf. As PP said he would be wide awake if sex was on the table. It hasn't been for ages though. I can't switch off how I feel and have sex, I don't feel close enough to him anymore.

My DH is also to be found dozing pretty much all weekend, the minute he sits down.

I used to have a weekend game with a friend where we'd have a texting competition about whose husband would fall asleep first after waking up and going downstairs.

I just think it's a privilege that the parent who doesn't enjoy the mental load can enjoy / abuse.

I'd happily snooze all day if I could too, but I can't as I have children now. But not everyone thinks this way.

I've given up being annoyed, he works extremely hard and long hours and kids aren't tiny anymore so it's not worth the argument as he does everything else he's supposed to.

My ex used to sleep in til around 2,3pm at weekends or days off and yes this contributed to the split alongside other things, we had children and it was frustrating. Does your partner smoke weed? This can make them lazy.

Does he have sleep apnea so that at night he is getting a very unsettled and insufficient sleep so that during the day he is absolutely wiped out?

I don't see how you have to pick up everything else, just because he works full time. This is not a 'partnership' at all. I very much doubt you are sat on your bum all day doing nothing - looking after kids/dogs/house is a full time job itself so you ARE working. I would be more concerned with his lack of help with general family life than the sleeping part. If its not his health, I would assume he does it to get out of doing all the things he should be doing at home.

Is he still drinking? You said he’s gone through periods of heavy drinking. When I was drinking heavily (sober now), I’d also sleep a lot. I was genuinely exhausted and my body was run into the ground. Even after I quit, it took about 4 months for me to stop needing to sleep all the time.

This was me when I had severe sleep apnoea. Could sleep 13 hours a day and still fall asleep at the wheel waiting for traffic lights to change.

SSRIs are anti-depressants, if the GP prescribed these then s/he must have considered your DH to be depressed. And excessive sleep can be a manifestation of depression, it is an escape from reality. But there are obviously other issues here as well, he has energy for the things he enjoys but not for helping you. It sounds as though this has been the case for the whole of your relationship so getting him to change now might be difficult. Seems weird to me, life is short as it is, why waste time sleeping more than you need.

I’ve namechanged for this. I have a severe sleep disorder and your DH sounds a lot like me.

I have a constant urge to sleep at any time of the day or night and I sleep excessively. I have medication that helps me to stay awake during the day. It does help but is not a complete solution.

GPs are terrible at recognising or understanding sleep disorders. I was told for years that I just had depression and was given endless rounds of different antidepressants. None of it worked. None of the GPs would refer me to a sleep clinic. Eventually I went private and was investigated and diagnosed by a consultant. I have a circadian rhythm disorder, no proper sleep/wake cycle and don’t have refreshing sleep at night. The consultant said it’s like living in several different time zones all at once and having permanent severe jet lag, and hence permanent exhaustion. These disorders are neurological not psychological, though psychological factors can make them worse.

It’s very difficult living with a sleep disorder because people think you’re just lazy or depressed. The replies to the OP demonstrate this. I appreciate that it’s hard for family members to live with, but it’s much worse for me as a sufferer because I miss out on so much of life. I miss things because I don’t wake up in time. I turn down invitations. I cancel because I’m so exhausted. Holidays and outings are spoilt because I struggle to stay awake.

If he can stay awake for something he enjoys, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a disorder. I can sometimes do things I enjoy (not always), but am often wiped out for days afterwards. I’m living half a life at most.

I’d encourage him to specifically talk about sleep disorders with his GP, otherwise the GP will remain tramlined in the “patient is tired all the time” mindset and get stuck on blood tests for anaemia, thyroid function etc or diagnosing depression. This isn’t just tiredness, it’s something quite different. However be prepared for the GP to be completely ignorant about sleep disorders, or think it’s so unlikely that they refuse to make a referral to a sleep clinic.

How old is he OP? DH is early 50’s and falls asleep all the time, probably been like that about 3 years now. I’ve just assumed it’s normal ageing? I take the opportunity to seize control of the remote if its evening…it irritates me even more as i have chronic insomnia!

Mine sleeps a lot too tbh. No kids at home now - both in our 50s, and he works 3 days a week - 9 hour shifts. On his days off - if we're not doing anything - he often sleeps in til 11am or midday. He also dozes off in his chair about half hour after dinner too (so around 7.30pm.)

He will sometimes wake up at 8.30pm and then stay awake til 11pm watching TV with me. Other times he wakes up at 8.30pm and says 'I can't stay awake any longer' and goes to bed.

It's not unusual for him to sleep from 8.30pm to 11am or midday the next day. I NEVER do this. I work 20 hours a week and do 90% of everything in the house, and all the life admin. I generally go to bed at 11.30pm to midnight, and wake up around 8.30am.

He is not like this on holiday, just at home.

He is on a few meds, that make him a little bit relaxed and drowsy sometimes, but I don't think it's normal to sleep 15-16 hours tbh! The cat doesn't sleep that much! He is late 50s, and very sedentary and lazy. Does very little. I have to ask him if I want anything doing that I can't do myself/find difficult to do myself.

I don't mind it most of the time though, as I am glad of the me-time, the chance to read, and the opportunity to watch 'my' programmes on the TV to be honest.

He also spends 15-20 minutes at a time in the loo when he goes for a No.2. which is really weird. I take 2 minutes tops.

Yes I should add that it wasn't my (normally excellent) GP who diagnosed my sleep apnoea but a trainee doctor who was supposed to be starting and iron IV who was suspicious that my type of tiredness was quite different to my ususal anaemia tiredness.

@Falkenburg Sleep apnoea is a possibility and it's something I've mentioned to him already. He is a very loud snorer, this is only in the last few years and I'd assumed it was weight related. I obviously struggle to sleep because of it, and often hear a pause followed by a gasp/snort. I have said I think he needs to get it assessed many times and I've explained how horrible sleep apnoea is for health. The sleepiness has been going on for much longer though.

That's interesting @Mudgarden I hadn't considered a sleep disorder. He's not groggy when he's awake but can fall asleep in seconds anywhere. Occasionally I've woken him from sleep on the sofa because he's snoring and we can't hear ourselves think, and he'll say "but I wasn't sleeping". I think GP followed by sleep clinic is a good plan if I can convince him that it's not normal.

@user14699084787 He's mid 40s and still drinking, he had a month off last year, interesting that you needed 4 months to feel better @mindutopia I don't think he could give up for that long. At his worst he has 3-4 beers, 0.5-1 bottle of red followed by a few good measures of spirits on weeknights at home, more at weekends. He's much better now but still has the occasional binge.

@SheFliesLikeABirdInTheSky yes to 15-20 mins in the loo!! But I think that's phone related. In the old days my ex used to spend that length of time in the loo reading the paper. Why do men make it such a production?!

@Anothernick yes I feel that, life is so short and he's sleeping it away. The kids will be grown up and moved out soon and he's missing it

@anotherdisaster you've hit the nail on the head, I don't feel like I have a partner. I literally never sit my bum down, so it's grating to see him curled up on the sofa snoozing yet again while I run around doing stuff.

@Hibye23289 he used to smoke weed quite regularly and it made it much worse, he'd be dead to the world all day the following day. It's much less regular now thank god.

Writing all this out like this makes me realise that there's actually a lot going on for him - work, sleep, drinking, weight, SSRIs etc and I'm just listing it all off quite dispassionately. That must be quite hard for him, that he's not getting any compassion from me. I need to have a think about that

Even if he's smoking weed a little he will be an unmotivated sleepy person like my ex so I wouldn't feel that sorry for him unless he has a medical diagnoses, why should you feel bad for him when he is drinking and overweight and smoking weed, it's his fault

I have an in-law with a similar issue, not just sleeping but just so lacking in energy and motivation.

I personally see a 30+ year habit of poor diet, no/minimal exercise, huge screen time, lack of nature and fresh air, poor sleep pattern and amount and more. Add in real key issues such as regular and binging on alcohol, occasional weed smoking and excess and binging on processed food and it is a recipe for ill-health.

It has culminated in a real sloth like approach to life, and one hard to break out of.

This takes nothing away from perhaps having an underlying health condition which will create or compound a lifestyle.