Anyone split over constant sleeping?

[MaxIrritation]

DH sleeps more than anyone I’ve ever met, it’s literally all he wants to do. Day or night. If he disappears or goes quiet you can bet he’s lying down and sleeping. We’ve got 3 DCs and 2 dogs. I’m not working at the moment (which I hate, I can’t do what I’m trained in due to an arrhythmia that developed a few years ago) but also because if I did work I’d have to outsource literally everything at great cost. I do all the life admin for the 5 of us. Three separate schools, two teenagers, one in junior school. Two very active dogs, house cleaning and maintenance inside and out, cars etc etc you get the drift. DH works full time and I don’t so I know I need to pick up everything else. But if he’s not working he’ll sleep unless I bust him and get pissed off. I’ve asked him to take our youngest out on his bike this weekend, which he will do. But he’d never do anything with the DCs unless I was very explicit about what needs to be done.
Just walked upstairs and he’s sleeping on the bed in pjs with laptop open but off, and felt like I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep getting angry all the time

sounds to me more like he's just checked out of family life....

Is there something wrong with him? Has he been to see a gp? Im chronically ill and sleep alot

3-4 beers + 1/2 bot wine is more than 10 units of alcohol - if he is drinking that much on a daily basis and more at weekends then I am not surprised he is always sleepy! He will be asleep permanently well before his time if he carries on like that.

His drinking, weight, work stress and possible depression are obviously factors but I have to say you sound like his mother, clocking what he does all the time, even the time he spends on the toilet! I wouldn't want to live like that.

My DH is exactly the same. It used to really irrate me but I let it wash over me and enjoy the peace and quiet from him talking non-stop about work. One day he might realise that i do actually exist! Hey ho

@outdooryone · Today 15:32

I have an in-law with a similar issue, not just sleeping but just so lacking in energy and motivation.

I personally see a 30+ year habit of poor diet, no/minimal exercise, huge screen time, lack of nature and fresh air, poor sleep pattern and amount and more. Add in real key issues such as regular and binging on alcohol, occasional weed smoking and excess and binging on processed food and it is a recipe for ill-health.

It has culminated in a real sloth like approach to life, and one hard to break out of.

That's my DH to a T, apart from the weed smoking. He doesn't drink a lot of booze either. The rest is him though. Never goes out for a walk outside, zero exercise, never gets fresh air, doesn't lift a finger in the house, eats crap, (processed food, sugar, fat, and carbs,) and sleeps FAR too much. He is also on the computer or in front of the TV for much of his waking hours, and is some 4 to 5 stone overweight.

He said he doesn't have time to go for walks, or do any sport or exercise. A lie. He only works 3 days a week - 27 hours, and as I said, he does nothing when he is not working. I do everything, and also walk every day (3 miles,) and go swimming, and play badminton. I also do all the housework and cleaning and shopping etc.

I see him dying before he is 70. (Currently mid 50s.)

Being very lazy and sedentary is NOT a good way to live. It is NOT a healthy way to live either.

Physical inactivity - BHF

Love this 🤣 I totally feel you, I often suggest he looks tense and might like to go for a run. Anything for some peace 😉

@greensleevez I do feel like his mother and I hate it. The only way I can get him to engage is by getting pissed off. I don't want to live like this any more

It can be a side effect of the anti depressants too.....

Yes he did sleep for a solid week after he started taking them. I was away with the 2 younger DC. My mum had to take over the dogs, laundry, food shopping etc for him and my oldest DC until I got back. After a few weeks he was back to previous sleepiness

My new year resolution is put myself first as I have never done this, not even bc. Always put others first, always been too nice. Goes against the grain as I was brought up to think of others before yourself. I try and do something (even if small) do something for myself every day, eg took the dog out during my lunch break. So easy to sit at my desk but no.

I just wanted to come back update this - this got worse to the point where DH spent so much time in bed he gave himself a pulmonary embolism. The GP is making referrals for various support services. We’ve had a few long talks and he says he’s been depressed for 20 years… which coincides almost exactly with me coming into his life! Financially I’m a bit stuck, but I’m working on getting my ducks in a row now. I can’t continue to be responsible for him hitting self destruct

I sleep a lot. So never been an issue for me. 🤣

So really he's still not taking responsibility to get it sorted if there hadn't been a crisis?

I don't blame you, you need to care for yourself

@Nanny0gg yes the blame still lies elsewhere, he said we had kids before he was ready, even though he wanted kids eventually. He was 28 when our first was born

I had almost the exact blame placed on me for my exh depression, best thing you can do for yourself is leave 🤷🏼‍♀️

I couldn't live like this. I'd disengage and focus on getting your finances sorted as you said. At least then you have a choice. He probably won't even notice.

My DH is like this, always manages to sleep through the mornings and again at dinner and bathtime. Magically awakens when the kids are in bed. It's infuriating and the resentment doesn't go away. The sad thing is his relationship with the DC is quite poor, as he's opted out of looking after them for so long. I've no advice, but fully understand your frustration.

Did the possibility of sleep apnoea get investigated? My GP was dismissive so I had a private sleep study and I was one of the worst cases ever. Been on cpap for ten years - utterly life changing. Mine was misdiagnosed as depression first of all. It’s all interrelated as the apneas cause jumps in cortisol which increase weight gain and mood swings etc etc. the snoring / gasps / excessive sleeping you described well that’s how it presents as a condition. Before leaving I would say : sleep study or I’m off….. you really never know

@TheMerryAquaBird yes the resentment is a killer, it’s made me feel pretty crazy at times. I often feel I’m letting myself down with how bitter and naggy I’ve become.

@HedgehogB I’ve no doubt he has sleep apnoea, I’ve been saying it to him for a long time. He was referred for a sleep study on the NHS but the wait was 9 months. He’s having it in September, it would be great if he could get that sorted and feel better

Hi @MaxIrritation - I am very much in the same position as you. Have you any update in how the past year has gone?

This sounds so like my ex. No alcohol or weed but the years of desperately unhealthy lifestyle plus uncontrolled diabetes.

He's had 20 years to come to terms with that, he has wasted 20 years basically sulking?

(I don't mean depression is sulking, but the blaming his family is).

Why did he not wear a condom after the first was born if he was so "unready"?

DH can sleep anytime/anywhere. He can sit and fall asleep immediately.
His parents, especially his mother, were the same. Their whole life’s just going from activity to nap and repeat.
MIL ruined her health with it though as she was incredibly inactive, napping is a way of breaking up the day though without doing much .

@NoKidsButTrying it didn’t get any better unfortunately. I got my ducks in a row - I’ve been back at work full time for almost a year now and still had to do everything else while he slept. I’d leave in the morning and drop the kids off at school then drive on to work, he’d still be fast asleep when I left. Then weekends were playdates, dog walks, cleaning, DIY etc etc while he either slept or scrolled on his phone. He blamed hangovers, undiagnosed adhd, work stress, our relationship… basically he never took responsibility for it. I filed for divorce and he moved out. I am still run ragged working full time and single parenting 3 DCs (we don’t coparent) but the constant resentment and anger I feel has gone. We’re much nicer to each other now. I hope he finds happiness but I’m not sure he will while he’s still drinking.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If your DH is anything like mine, he won’t change his ways for anything more than a few days before slipping back into hiding under a duvet.