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Original poster

To baby or not to baby - WWYD?

42 replies

Unknownuser2046789 · 05/01/2024 01:09

Just wondering if someone will give a perspective that I haven’t considered …..

long story short, I’ve noooooo idea if I want another baby. Some days I long, then I consider, then I chicken out. Here’s the situation-

i have 1 daughter who is 14, I had her very young at just 16. Been through all the horrendous issues with her dad. I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones who managed to get their life together - went to a red brick university, studied business and law and I am now in a very good job.

I have a partner who has 3 children - 13, 10 and 3 - he was in a 20 year relationship which came to an end shortly after his youngest was born. Youngest doesn’t go to school for 2 years. We have been together 2.5 years, known each other much longer. We have just put an offer in on a house and will be moving in together in a few months.

I always said no more children, and my partner says the same although occasionally we both wonder if we are doing the right thing.
I think I am worried - the gap will be huge, itl be like starting over again. I’m worried about losing my independence which I only have now for the first time in my life. I’m worried about being a lot older than I was with my first. I’m worried that I will get pregnant and my life will be turned upside down and I will regret everything.
but I am also worried I will regret not going for it whilst I can. If we are going to be together ‘forever’, it would be lovely to have a child and I would get to experience a family life I have never had. Before I met my partner, I planned to rent my house out and travel the world for long periods of time when my daughter grew up (knowing I would be only 36 when she turned 20). I think having such a young stepdaughter has made me look at life differently as I won’t be able to follow through on any of my plans for such a long period of time and so my life plan has changed significantly.

WWYD?

OP posts:
CatrinVennastin · 05/01/2024 01:17

If I was you i wouldn’t have another child.

My DD2 had health issues and I was unable to go back to my old job. I am just saying you might end up with a complicated pregnancy or a child with health issues which would put pressure on all your relationships.

If you have four kids between the two of you surely that’s enough family life already?

Evanesy · 05/01/2024 01:20

Maybe one day of looking at it is how would you feel if you didn’t have another? Right now you’re trying to weigh up the pros and cons of having another one, but would you be happy with a decision which meant no more children?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 05/01/2024 01:20

If in doubt, don't have any more

Josette77 · 05/01/2024 01:21

You have 4 children already, and your daughter sounds like she has had a rough time of it.

The fact you bought a house after 2.5 years is already a lot. Your DD will suddenly be living with man and three other children.

I would focus on the kids you have.

Riseandshinee · 05/01/2024 01:30

i understand you want your own children with someone you love so what I’m about to say sounds a bit nasty but children aren’t accessories or toys. You have an innate desire to procreate and reasoning with that desire won’t make it go away, but you don’t have to act on it and since you asked what we think, I personally believe you should consider a number of important factors before you do. For example you could create a family with the ones you already both have are you not satisfied with it. Adding another child into it wouldn’t make it any easier. I know it isn’t anyone else’s decision to make but you should think about the children involved especially the younger ones who don’t understand and can’t handle difficult emotions and the impact it would have on them. They’ve already had big changes lost their family and now have to deal with everything changing and you want to add another child into it sorry but I think it’s too much too soon. But as I said you might not listen because of your innate desire

Riseandshinee · 05/01/2024 01:37

Oh and remember that all babies grow into adults one day, they’re all human beings and their childhoods and upbringings really matter and play a big role in how they turn out
you should also consider that before you have a baby just because they’re cute or nice to have

SemperIdem · 05/01/2024 01:37

Josette77 · 05/01/2024 01:21

You have 4 children already, and your daughter sounds like she has had a rough time of it.

The fact you bought a house after 2.5 years is already a lot. Your DD will suddenly be living with man and three other children.

I would focus on the kids you have.

The op doesn’t have four children, she has one child.

Op - I think it totally natural for you to want a child with your partner.

Riseandshinee · 05/01/2024 01:48

SemperIdem · 05/01/2024 01:37

The op doesn’t have four children, she has one child.

Op - I think it totally natural for you to want a child with your partner.

Show quote history

They didn’t come from her but they are her children as well as she is serious with her partner and moved in with him they’re buying a house together they are a family unit now

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 05/01/2024 01:56

If I were in your situation I would have another child. But then I love babies and am permanently broody so I know I wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation to have another if I was able to. Whether that’s actually the right decision for you I don’t know. I think only you can answer that. Maybe picture your ideal life 5-10 years from now. Do you see another child or not? Which outcome would you be the most happy/disappointed with? Do you think your existing children would like another sibling?

manova366 · 05/01/2024 04:33

You don't even live with him yet by the sounds of it? How do you know you'll be together 'forever'? Sounds like he left his previous partner when his youngest was just a baby....
Why not see how living together goes first.
You will already have a family life with your partner, with four children between the two of you. Another baby won't make it any more of a family, it will just add an additional child! It will likely add stress, will change the dynamic between the two of you, and prolong your parenting by at least another three-five years.

Children aren't accessories that you get to 'complete' some fantasy of a family, they're actual people.

Lizzieregina · 05/01/2024 04:36

I wouldn’t have another child.

Bananaramad · 05/01/2024 04:40

No.

Weenurse · 05/01/2024 04:45

No

Passingthethyme · 05/01/2024 04:49

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 05/01/2024 01:20

If in doubt, don't have any more

This. A mother or father shouldn't have a baby unless they really, really, really want one

Opentooffers · 05/01/2024 05:00

I'd say as you are only 30 you have plenty of time to figure this out. Living with someone can be a lot different to dating someone, so try that for size for a couple of years first. Then you can assess how domesticated he is, and how hands on he's likely to be.
So many women find they get left holding the baby, and it looks like he's already done that to his ex - or he left her for you ( given the minimal gap and crossover with knowing him prior to their split). There's no rush to decide, you've got years yet.

PieAndLattes · 05/01/2024 05:02

Oh heck no - you’ll already be looking after 4, and you’re already delaying all your lovely travel plans. Besides, your DP already has three. Realistically, does he want a fourth?

HippeePrincess · 05/01/2024 05:08

You don’t even know this man yet, I wouldn’t even buy a house with him without look big together previously. Certainly wouldn’t be having a baby with him for reasons others mentioned. Plus starting over is no joke, the baby and younger years when you’re practically out of the child rearing stage altogether, 33 years of solid parenting doesn’t sound fun to me. What if you got pregnant and then he left you like he seems to have left his previous partner with a baby, you get to be a single parent all over again.

please tell me you’re protecting your deposit etc properly and if you have more assets and income don’t marry him!

mummylove24 · 05/01/2024 05:10

Sorry, I wouldn’t if I were you, your partner left his ex with a 6 month old baby! Big 🚩

Britinme · 05/01/2024 05:22

I wouldn't have another baby if I were in your shoes. Why not find out how it feels living with three teenagers and a nursery age child first? That's a real family unit.

HazelWicker · 05/01/2024 05:24

mummylove24 · 05/01/2024 05:10

Sorry, I wouldn’t if I were you, your partner left his ex with a 6 month old baby! Big 🚩

This, for me. You're 30. See how you feel in another couple of years.

I have one child and am separated. I always wanted more than one. But there is no way I'd have another unless I was with someone who was already a parent and a tried and tested decent one. Not seeing their kids much or bailing when small wouldn't make me feel great about the prospect of having one with them.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 05/01/2024 05:49

How long have you lived with your partner? Have all the kids lived together for long?

I would wait for a while/ not have another blending families is a hoax that don’t blend they crash so until everyone is ok living with one another I wouldn’t add a baby to the mix it would mean your hands are tied if your DD suddenly hated living with step siblings etc

RichPetunia · 05/01/2024 05:49

I had my daughter young. She's now grown up and I'm 'out the other end'. I'd say no, don't have another.
You've worked hard with your education - use it or enjoy it: either way, put it to good use. Thirty is still young, you can now go and have one exciting, great life. Don't get tied down now by falling into the trap of feeling that you need a new baby to make your relationship complete. Concentrate on you.

Globules · 05/01/2024 06:08

Live with him and his children for at least another 2 years. See how he parents. See how he loves. See who he is.

Then decide. You have time to do so.

pinkdelight · 05/01/2024 06:43

I think it's very sad and actually unnecessary to give up your world traveling plans in this situation. Why does having a step child stop you doing that? She has two parents of her own. Presumably she lives with her mum a lot. Having a baby didn't stop your DP leaving his family so like hell would I let it put your best laid plans on hold. If he loves you, he'd be happy for you to see the world after all your hard work raising your DC. I think replacing the plan to fulfil your own dreams of travelling with the question of having another kid is a distraction. It wasn't what you wanted and no reason that has to change now. You've been raising a child since you were a child, and sure you can pitch in as a step parent but when does it get to be your turn to fly?

RocketKit · 05/01/2024 06:46

The McJudgypants are all out in force today I see.

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