To baby or not to baby - WWYD?

[Unknownuser2046789]

Just wondering if someone will give a perspective that I haven’t considered …..

long story short, I’ve noooooo idea if I want another baby. Some days I long, then I consider, then I chicken out. Here’s the situation-

i have 1 daughter who is 14, I had her very young at just 16. Been through all the horrendous issues with her dad. I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones who managed to get their life together - went to a red brick university, studied business and law and I am now in a very good job.

I have a partner who has 3 children - 13, 10 and 3 - he was in a 20 year relationship which came to an end shortly after his youngest was born. Youngest doesn’t go to school for 2 years. We have been together 2.5 years, known each other much longer. We have just put an offer in on a house and will be moving in together in a few months.

I always said no more children, and my partner says the same although occasionally we both wonder if we are doing the right thing.
I think I am worried - the gap will be huge, itl be like starting over again. I’m worried about losing my independence which I only have now for the first time in my life. I’m worried about being a lot older than I was with my first. I’m worried that I will get pregnant and my life will be turned upside down and I will regret everything.
but I am also worried I will regret not going for it whilst I can. If we are going to be together ‘forever’, it would be lovely to have a child and I would get to experience a family life I have never had. Before I met my partner, I planned to rent my house out and travel the world for long periods of time when my daughter grew up (knowing I would be only 36 when she turned 20). I think having such a young stepdaughter has made me look at life differently as I won’t be able to follow through on any of my plans for such a long period of time and so my life plan has changed significantly.

WWYD?

Already having 4 kids in the mix is a lot.

But first and foremost, I wouldn’t make a decision until you’ve lived together for a while. I read a lot of threads on here about blended families having problems living together.

You're still young, I don't think you should sell up and buy with him. Keep your independence. You could rent out your house and all rent together for a year or two, blended in real life is different. Re evaluate at 34.

To me it s a red flag his last relationship of 20 years broke down when his youngest was barely born

Are you sure he could deal with having a baby????

To baby?
JHC on a bike

You are only 30, so you have plenty of time left fertility-wise to see how it works out living together and being a stepmother. You might find that it’s not the life that you want for you and your daughter, or you might find that 4 children in the house is enough to deal with in terms of space, time and finances.

As others have noted, I’d have my eyes wide open in that he has left his ex-wife with a newborn baby. Consider how you would manage if he was to do the same to you that he did to her.

It’s really an individual choice.

Personally I wouldn’t but that’s me and I had children late…so totally different boat to you.

I’m sat thinking given your DDs age I think I’d want to be focusing out her education for them next few years and starting to plan my lovely “independent” life where I dreamily spend my disposable income on nice clothes, massages, lovely day trips out, travelling, hobbies etc.

BUT i had my kids at 38 and 40 (They are 22m and newborn) my oldest isn’t a “bad” sleepers but the sleep deprivation is /was destroying me and my performance at work and progress is def been impacted. I have no disposable income despite being a high earner and while my DH are in it forever (I hope!) it def tested and strained our relationship in ways I didn’t expect and we do argue about parenting styles /choices…

so that’s the lense I am looking through when I say hmmm… not for me.
I am staring into my toddlers not teens face as I answer their repetitive questions every morning. 😅

i think this is a situation when you ideally want to canvas people’s opinions who have had a similar experience and also maybe make your own pros and cons list.

what does your DH think? Is he fussed either way…
how hands on was he with the youngest when he walked out? Was the strain of kids a factor in his first marriage ending?

I agree with the people saying wait a bit before making any decisions about whether to have another baby.

I’d see how everyone settles into living together first (probably for at least a year and not just the first few months where everyone is adjusting).
I’d also maybe wait until your DD is a bit older, in a couple of years she’ll be 18 and possibly off to uni or more independent and so a new baby will have less impact on her. Or if she’s continuing to live with you and need your support then you might decide that another baby is too much.

You also have a lot more scope to travel with stepchildren than if you and your DP have a baby together. Unless they are with you full time then you’ll be able to go away childfree whilst they’re with their other parent. Even if you’re travelling with them it’ll be a lot harder with a big age gap between the eldest and your baby.

At 30 you have plenty of time, if both you and your partner are unsure then I’d wait and see how you feel in a couple of years. I’d only have another child if I was 100% certain it was what I wanted

Hi all

thank you so much for your replies - you all did give me alot to think about and consider which I hadn’t really spoken about before -

regarding his breakup, he is a DV victim (reported and has attempted to bring charges), after 20 years he really couldn’t take anymore. I personally do not agree with staying together ‘for the children’ so I understand why he left, but I also understand that for some, breaking up when you have a small child isn’t acceptable. We are all different 🙂
We have been friends for years, so it wasn’t an entirely ‘new’ thing.
thank you again for your input - it was helpful!

Personally I would not ! You’re looking at the fairytale. Reality is the baby comes 5 children in the mix to pay for. Perhaps jealousy from his youngest.

Sleepless nights mean relationship changes, you’ll take the load always happens.

Honestly I think you’d be mad and it may very well affect this relationship and not in a good way.

The fairytale always seems good ! Never quite works like that.

With the update, I wouldn’t even be thinking of introducing another baby to the household. He’s got 3 very young traumatised children he needs to focus on and a challenging road ahead assuming they still have contact with their mother, potential court battles etc.

They’ve been through so much already and I think having a new step mum and step sister would be enough for them to cope with, without introducing a fifth child to the household.

Seeing that he already has 3 children and you have one, I'd think carefully. Particularly whether HE has enough emotional capacity to look after his existing children, your child AND a new baby.

Also consider your professional and financial situation and how this would be affected if you had another child. You might be sacrificing career progression and reduce your future pension. Also, how cooperative is your partner likely to be with regard to financing maternity leave, childcare and finances in general, especially if you end up earning less than him.

I understand that you would love to have another baby, but you'd be wise to consider these tough questions before you rush ahead.

Edited after reading OP's update.

This.

They've been through a lot and adding more upheaval and general big changes to their lives anytime soon is IMO selfish behaviour.

And if you did have another one, your child would go from living with just you to living in a house of five children. That's a hell of a change for her.

You have four between you and it's early days. I don't think that planning to have another baby is especially responsible of either of you.

I married dh and moved in with him and his three from a previous marriage. I had one from a previous marriage too. It was not easy for the first few years. Blending families is tough and you don’t realise how tough until you’re doing the everyday of it. Things did settle down and we had a child together when I was 36. We still have our ups and downs. I would wait and see how you get on for a few years before getting pregnant. Unless you’re going to lose out financially I’d also want to be married.

The tone of your post tbh doesn't sound like a yearning.

You had a travel plan and now that's fallen through it looks like you're looking for the what nows. Definitely don't ttc until you're much surer anyway.

I'd wait a few years, live together and see how it goes. Pretty concerned the relationships ended when they had a new baby. I'd concentrate on how things progress with merging your existing families first.

They are not her children, doesn’t matter how serious she is about their dad.

You're still young. Give it a few years to settle into the new situation and if you want to have a baby together you can do it when you're mid 30s.