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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Overstayed my welcome?

50 replies

crunchychange · 04/01/2024 22:04

My mum and I have always had a good relationship, she's loving, always listens and has bags of patience.

My dad always says that I'm hard work, a pain in the arse, and whenever I call, he comments on the length of our phone call.

Recently, my mum's told me she doesn't want to listen to me anymore. She said there was something wrong with me as I'm never happy. I said I hadn't been recently but I've had a really difficult year. We have two young DC and financially, it hasn't been easy.

She might just find me draining but I'm sad. I just feel like a pain in the arse and that I've overstayed my welcome.

OP posts:

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 04/01/2024 22:09

Sorry op that’s really tough for you to hear.

You know your mum loves you. But she’s getting older and it is hard to hear someone who just complains all the time.

Maybe take this as a wake up call to change your coping strategy - instead of leaning on her look into other ways of managing your emotions.

I say this as someone who has been in your shoes - but to add further injury in my case my (lovely and kind but very anxious)mum had brought me up specifically to make sure I run every single problem/emotion/thought past her. I had zero self-reliance and had to learn from scratch in my twenties what everyone else had been allowed to learn in their teens.

It’s actually better this way.

gamerchick · 04/01/2024 22:12

Are your conversations with your mother mostly about you having a hard time OP? It's easy to get into a habit like that.

alqnabdk · 04/01/2024 22:25

When someone unloads on me constantly I feel like I absorb all their negativity and stress on top of my own. Maybe your Mum is just finding it a bit too much at the moment.

HareSalient · 04/01/2024 22:28

That’s a weird way of thinking of it — surely you understand that if you are continually offloading your troubles on someone, there’s a limit to what they are able to absorb? I mean, there are two people in the relationship. She’s not endlessly absorbent because she’s your mother.

Waterybrook · 04/01/2024 22:31

That must be hard to hear. I do think as people get older they often can’t give / listen / be quite as supportive as they once were and their adult children have to adjust to this. My own sister is complaining a lot about my mum because of this. But she doesn’t realise that she can’t lean on her like she once could. This must be what you are experiencing. I’m sorry for the change that you have to go through.

alwaysmovingforwards · 04/01/2024 22:39

If you're moaning all the time, your DM might be giving you the hint it's time you acted like an adult and not a child.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2024 22:46

How often do you ring her and how long are the calls? Is most of the conversation spent with you offloading?

StrawberryWater · 04/01/2024 22:48

Are you sure it's not your dad speaking through your mum?

Otherwise perhaps see if you can get some help away from family. Having a third party who's natural is actually helpful and you can talk to your mum about regular things (unless it's something new or urgent obviously).

pictoosh · 04/01/2024 22:59

I don't know if your dad is orchestrating a wedge between you and your mum or if you're a moan that loves to go on about it and your mum has genuinely had enough of listening to you.

eatpiedrinktea · 04/01/2024 23:17

Yes I hear your mum.
If you are constantly moaning or something is always up always sad it gets draining after a while.
I have a similar situation with someone and I just feel like saying your a grown woman deal with it sort something out.
Stop complaining to me I have thing's going on in my life but I get on with it.
i don't go on like a broken record about it.
It pulls you down after a while because not everyone wants to hear bad stuff and moaning all the time.

BreadInCaptivity · 04/01/2024 23:20

It's hard to comment without more information.

How often do you call your mum? How long are the calls?

Do you take any advice she gives or do you just expect her to be your emotional venting support person?

What have you done to improve your situation for yourself?

Do you ever ask her or your father about their lives or show any interest in them?

It can be incredibly draining to listen to someone constantly and frequently talk about the same issues whilst making no active choices to improve their circumstances.

You are painting your father as the bad guy here (and maybe he is) but alternatively he may have a point and he's been articulating what your mother is afraid to - until recently when she's also had enough.

So if you're calling your mum weekly for a 30 min conversation that's not just about "you" then I can't see what the problem is.

On the other hand if you are calling more than 4 times a week for hours at a time and regurgitating the same issues again and again, not taking advice and showing no interest in anyone's life but your own then you might want to consider that your parents may have a point.

gavisconismyfriend · 04/01/2024 23:30

Every phonecall from my mum is a list of moans and groans. It is exhausting. I have to gear myself up to call her and can just about manage it once a week, I’m so drained by the end. I’m pretty sure she just uses me as a repository for all her woes and feels better afterwards for pouring it all out. I suspect she feels it is my “job” as I’m her daughter and she wouldn’t dream of behaving that way with her friends. Is it possible you treat your mum in the same way? If so, perhaps it would be worth reflecting on? Reduce the amount you call (if it is really frequent), ask more about her, plan in advance a couple of positive things you can tell her. This will show her that you’ve heard what’s she said and that you care enough to try and change so that she can start looking forward to chatting with you again.

IHateLegDay · 04/01/2024 23:46

I have a friend who is endlessly negative and always complaining about her life and honestly, she's an energy vampire. It's exhausting being around her and although we were inseparable for about 15 years, as she's got worse I've distanced myself from her.
We see each other about once a year now.

Your mother is not there to be an agony aunt. She is a person too with her own feelings and life experiences. If your relationship is one sided and just you complaining all the time, she is going to find it hard to be around and may gradually distance herself.
Maybe ask how she is and listen to her more?

Safxxx · 05/01/2024 00:00

Give your parents some time and don't call or visit...in the meantime try to sort your problems out yourself. I guess your constant moaning to them has stressed them out. Remember they're getting old and maybe need you to be there for them not the other way round. I don't talk about my worries to my mum I've always said I'm ok even if I'm not, I hate to burden her with my issues... especially the ones I know she can't do anything about. Maybe your parents feel helpless and said that to you....go confide in a friend or pour your heart out here ❤️ just give your parents a break ❤️

shams05 · 05/01/2024 01:18

How often are you calling, how long is each call and what time of the day are you calling?
I ask about the time because some times may be more obstructive to your parents than others. Say you always call around lunch time whilst they're trying to enjoy their meal, your conversation is full of negativity which puts a downer on their enjoyment of their food, you finish speaking then mum repeats everything you said to dad, it sounds like a drag.

momonpurpose · 05/01/2024 03:29

eatpiedrinktea · 04/01/2024 23:17

I do agree with this. People who complain constantly are draining.

Coyoacan · 05/01/2024 03:39

It's very easy to get into a bad habit of complaining all the time, OP. I think you should say sorry to your mum and promise her that you will change.

WandaWonder · 05/01/2024 03:43

I think is a lot of detail you missing out on telling

WavingCatsandDogs · 05/01/2024 04:00

Whatever your situation, your mum 's handling was abrupt and unkind.

Your Dad sounds a right charmer too.

'Something wrong with you' now that's not nice from your own Mum,

Maybe take a break from the phone calls.

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2024 05:35

Stop calling for a while, they weren't very kind to you but do reflect on the calls and if you were being overly negative or not

Lizzieregina · 05/01/2024 05:40

If you are constantly complaining to your mother, you’re probably making her extremely anxious that she can’t make things better for you.

I’ve told my young adults that if there’s something I can actually do to help, then by all means ask, but no constant moaning about their lot in life as I have enough struggles of my own without worrying about theirs too. They have to find a way to make changes if they don’t like things.

Original poster

crunchychange · 05/01/2024 08:15

I'm not constantly complaining it's just she's got a lot on her plate. I've always felt like too much though. Too much hard work.

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 05/01/2024 08:27

Do you call every day? And do you ask your Mum how she is?

Original poster

crunchychange · 05/01/2024 08:41

No I don't call her everyday. I'm busy with 2 DC. Yes, I ask how she is but she often vents to me about things and never changes them.

OP posts:

fluffygardenrugs · 05/01/2024 08:43

There's a proverb that says 'faithful are the wounds of a friend' and though sometimes it really sucks, a bit of honesty from the people who love us most can help us to change our lives.

So if you think what your mum (and dad) are saying is probably true, then you can fix it by apologising and changing. If times are tough find a different outlet for blowing off steam.

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