Overstayed my welcome?

[crunchychange]

My mum and I have always had a good relationship, she's loving, always listens and has bags of patience.

My dad always says that I'm hard work, a pain in the arse, and whenever I call, he comments on the length of our phone call.

Recently, my mum's told me she doesn't want to listen to me anymore. She said there was something wrong with me as I'm never happy. I said I hadn't been recently but I've had a really difficult year. We have two young DC and financially, it hasn't been easy.

She might just find me draining but I'm sad. I just feel like a pain in the arse and that I've overstayed my welcome.

You do sound a bit "woe is me" OP. Your mum will have her own worries and frustrations so taking on those of someone else can be too much after a while.

I've backed away from a couple of friendships over the years that had fallen into this pattern. It's wearing and boring, particularly if the moaner doesn't take any action to address their woes and you're still having the same conversation 2 years later.

Perhaps you should try to be more upbeat and positive in your conversations. I've never taken any of my troubles to my mother's door - she has enough on her plate.

Maybe agree with each other not to talk about negative stuff. If she's the same just say. We agreed not to do this. Might be nicer for everyone to talk more positively.

I've just had to cut someone off myself because all they ever do is MOAN ALL THE TIME, and the things that befall them are all their own doing. I have my own shit to deal with, I actually just blocked them this morning.

I've got my own crap to deal with.

As others say, it can be draining to listen to someone else moaning

Are you usually worrying/complaining about the same thing?
I have a friend like who is always always moaning about the same things but never does anything to improve her situation and I’ve had to stop engaging with her now.

That old saying ‘you can’t help someone who won’t help themself’…
Its not a good use of my time to listen to someone talk about the same mistakes that they are going to keep making

Next time your mum calls and starts complaining just tell her you can't listen you have your own problems to worry about .

What's probably happened is that you've had peaks and troughs of hard times/moaning... During those times she has struggled to cope. Now, even during the less stressful times her defenses are up and even the light moaning is enough to trigger her.

@crunchychange it must have been very hard hearing your mum say that, and your dad’s comments seem particularly harsh. Is he always like that? You say you’ve always felt you’re hard work, and that your mum ‘has a lot on her plate’ so maybe try and keep any worries for a helpful friend - or write them down! Sometimes when you write stuff down it helps to clear your mind, and two young dc are always going to make life v busy and occasionally stressful! Let her be for a while and then when you call her, keep it to a short call full of cheerful stuff - and from her too!

Sounds like both you and your mum are complainers and wants to vent to someone/each other. I'm guessing that's who's passed on the behaviour on to you. Must be exhausting for your dad to listen to the both of you. Complaining about things that can't be fixed or that you don't want to fix is futile and a waste of time.

You have two young kids, financial worries, time poor and exhausted. You chose to have kids so that's the boat you have put yourself in and it won't be until they are older that some of these problems will be worked out so just deal with it in the meantime.

@Snoken you can chose to have kids and have something happen that makes your life harder. You're right though, I chose to have kids.

OP, part of growing up is learning the difference between opening up to someone and offloading on them. Opening up is simply letting people know you are having a tough time, so they can understand if you don;t feel like socialising or if you are a bit tired or irritable or distracted.

Offloading is using them as a dumping ground for all your woes, without paying any attention to their own needs, concerns or their well being.

It is never okay to offload on loved ones. That's what trained professionals are for.

I'd give her some breathing space then write her a note that says you love her and you have realised you were dumping on her and you will stop. Can you meet for a coffee/walk where you listen to her for a change? And after that, meet your mum and do fun things together - go to the cinema or watch a film or some comedies at home together. Go round and bake with her or help plant some spring bulbs. You can shift the relationship towards more adult to adult. Sounds like she really loves you, as does your dad and they will welcome that shift.

It sounds like both your mum and you have a tendency towards moaning to each other.

Fatigue when somebody does this more often than you can cope with is a real thing.

Therapy or counselling is a possible alternative strategy, and keep your conversations with your loved ones bright and breezy.

Going over and over the same negative themes and difficulties can actually make your mood worse. And it is enormously frustrating to hear people talking about the same things without doing anything different. Some people can acknowledge their difficulties and move on, whereas others seem to want others to solve their problems for them and those people are exhausting. Whichever one you are, the way it has been discussed with you is very cruel.

Absolutely. My point was more that this is the situation you are in now, and you can't take your kids back so rather than just complain about it you need to roll with it and stop making your problems someone elses problems. You and your mother don't have a healthy relationship if all you do is moan to each other. It won't solve any problems, it will just bring the both of you further down.

I think your mothers words are cruel and selfish. As her daughter you are reaching out to you r mother saying things are tough and you are not happy. You can not be fake and happy all of the time - she should be listening and supporting you. When she is having a tough time I am sure you will be listening to her or maybe not now you have had this reaction from her

Saying you've overstayed your welcome, presumably as their daughter, is a bit harsh. All your parents are trying to do is encourage you to be more resilient and stop the long whining phone calls about how hard your life is. If the roles were reversed, and it was them phoning you at regular intervals to complain bitterly about life's hardships, you'd probably think oh for goodness sake, get a grip, I've got enough on my plate as it is, stop adding to the burden. Find another outlet for your complaining, maybe a journal, maybe a therapist.

Sorry OP thats tough to hear, but having to listen to someone's relentless negativity is very draining and it sounds like your Mum has compassion fatigue. Also if she is a negative person herself she may want to have a moan to you about her worries but feel yours trump hers so she can't vent as much as she'd like! I think it might be best to get some counselling for yourself to help you manage this and perhaps learn some strategies on how to change the dynamic and communicate better with your parents.

I realised I phoned my mum for support when things were tough but then forgot to tell her when things were better, which would mean that she might have been worrying about me when I was actually fine. So I make a deliberate point of balancing things out with the positive now.

This is a really good point. I think my adult DCs sometimes do this. I'll spend the week after a phone call wondering how they'll manage to find a solution to a problem, then I'll ask and they'll casually say 'aw I sorted that the same day, turned out if was all OK'.

You say you've had a good, loving relationship with your mum, so you can turn this into something positive.

Let the dust settle a little, then suggest a meet-up - something nice like a coffee shop or a meal, if you don't live too far away. When the moment is right, tell her that you were concerned about her comment, and you want to put things right between you. You may find she explains better what she means. She might say she was having a bad day or your dad was complaining about you and winding her up. She might confide that she genuinely finds it draining to listen to your problems frequently (it isn't unusual for people as they age to find it harder to deal with). Listen to her, let her speak.

You can then decide if she might have a point and you've let the moaning take over your relationship (in which case you can make changes). Or is your mum being unreasonable. Or is she struggling in her own ways and can't deal with anymore worries (in which case what help does she need).

But keep coming back to - you've always had a good relationship. You should be able to be honest with each other, and to move forward in a healthier way.

I think that you need to keep this in perspective. It is never nice to be told that you are a burden, but perhaps re-frame it in your mind that you have been lucky to have her support so far in life?

One of my parents was terminally ill by the time I was in my mid twenties; my other parent became their carer. They were dead within a few years, never seeing my DC or how my life turned out. Even though I have married, I have never ever had that feeling of someone absolutely having my back in the way that my parent did. I have always felt slightly alone, slightly exposed.

Parental love is a wonderful thing and you have already had the greatest possible benefit. But things do change and you now need to adjust to the next stage of life.

Hey OP, sorry you’ve had a hard time recently.

probably echoing what a lot of others have said but it doesn’t sound like your mum is the right person to give you the emotional support you need, past a few platitudes.

Are you able to access any counselling or talk therapy at all? I know this can be costly and NHS wait lists are ridiculous but maybe reach out to GP and see if there are any local services for families with young children or for women who are in difficult or toxic relationships. You never know, there could be something local.

I don’t think your mum will feel you’ve “overstayed” but clearly she doesn’t feel able to listen anymore - although it sounds like she does a lot of offloading too.

Next time she tries to offload why not say “I’m sorry to hear that mum, I hope you can get something sorted…. Let me know how you get on, I best get going as I’ve got tea on / bath running / whatever excuse” and then just wean her off from being an emotional drain on you.

OP- It sounds like you have a lot going on but also it sounds like your mum is struggling. Please don't take it personally, it can just get too much sometimes when someone is using you as their personal counsellor. I would echo what @OwlWeiwei has said about opening up and offloading. There is a subtle difference. You don't have to be fake and pretend it's all hunky dory, but you do have to be aware of other people's limits. It's called compassion fatigue and people who are givers and listeners often get this, especially in caring professions.

I also agree that it's a part of growing up, thinking about being intentional about what you share and also having a range of coping mechanisms rather than just one or two go to people... I can empathise as I am close to my mum and used to go to her for lots of things but gradually I've built my tolerance up for waiting longer to talk. Stuff that helps me is writing, practising my faith (Obv not for everyone!!!) and reading on topics that are relevant/listening to podcasts. But everyone finds their own things that work for them.

Finally, everyone needs someone to lean on from time to time, especially in times of crisis and of course that's ok, I think it just sounds like it's all got a bit too much for you mum right now, so may be time to dial it back and have a rethink. You will be surprised at how strong you can be and what inner resources you do have when you are forced to draw on them.

Is the problem that you were who she vented to for support and now she's having to provide support back to you for the venting

I've found over the years my relationship with my sister is great so long as I am the one listening to her, but actually there are issues if I am the one needing to be listened to

You can have your whole life planned out and indeed overnight everything changes. But especially when we have kids we have no choice but to keep moving. OP it sounds like sadly you are a bit stuck by whatever has happened. It does you or your children no good. Venting here and there sure but this sounds like more. When you get into that circle of complaining it makes it hard to let the good in. Get some counseling to help you through it and get you and the children the happy life you want.

This.
I would like to add there is nothing to read in your post that you are always moaning or complaining to your mum.
To me it sounds like your dad has always been awful to you and now got on your mothers back as well. How hurtful her words must have been. You think he made her say this to you? Do you have anyone close to you to talk about this situation?
Good luck to you, if at all possible try not to take it personally. Your dad's a bully imo.