How to split income/outgoings?

[CarrotyO]

I will be moving in with my bf of two years, into a new house, once the sale/purchase goes through. We're not married, no kids - although will be trying for a baby. We're 37/41 years old.

The mortgage is in my name alone, and I have built up the equity for it. I am currently in a position to save every month. I overpay on my mortgage when I can. I will be taking on a bigger mortgage, but it means we can move to a nicer area and we will both have the space to work from home a few days a week. I'm not sure how to split the money / bills equitably, and also save for things like home improvements and holidays.

Income: I bring in £3k after tax, he brings in £1.6k after tax. No bonuses or extra income.

Outgoings I estimate may be around £2k a month:
Mortgage: £1k (but it would be nice to overpay)
Bills: £600 (Including car expenses)
Food: £300
Cats: £100

We also both have commuting costs, he is paying for a therapist privately.

Currently I am picking up more of the 'couple' costs but he does pay for stuff eg I will book a weekend away and pay for the air bnb, but then he will pay for dinner when we eat out.

I think you are being smart and fair.
I think you guys beed to set up a joint account where you put money for joint expenses - holidays, etc.
I think he definitely needs to pay half of household bills - whether it’s directly to your account, or the joint account - maybe its best to get advice on that.
Finally - i think it’s fair for h to contribute to some furniture - as he’d be furnishing a rental place as well.

I think you need to chat with him and see what he feels comfortable with too. You need to be equal in your relationship and he needs to feel that his home is his home. I’m a single mum and I’d find it hard to share my house if I’m being honest but you have to let him have some sort of masculinity in your relationship. You also shouldn’t talk about what will happen if you break up if you’re seriously thinking about having children with this man. He should be the love of your life to want that. I understand that you need to protect yourself and your money but also if you truely love him you need to work out a way where he feels secure in this too x

Does he know this is how you are thinking?

I can't understand why he'd want to have a baby in this set up, as he's completely vulnerable to being kicked out at the drop of a hat. You've made it clear this arrangement is designed to disadvantage him on separation.

If you did care about him, you would advise him to get legal advice before he agrees.

You're already planning for the separation, you should tell him this clearly.

It doesn't sound like you really like him that much. I see why you want to keep it in your name but it's not really that fair especially if you're talking about having kids and spending all your life together

Of course I like and love him. And yes he knows the mortgage will be in my name. We love and trust each other so he doesn't see it as a big deal. He knows I wouldn't chuck him out for no reason. He sees it as a good deal for him as he will be paying less than he is now and so will be able to save. He also accepts that his choices led him to this point in life (working full time at the bottom of the career ladder).

Never buy a house or have a baby with someone you're not married to.

Because you would get all the equity and the security of having the house if anything was to go wrong, he would have absolutely nothing. If you want it all on your name it’s unfair on him to pay half without having the benefits of being on the mortgage which yourself would have. Even if you paid the £1000 mortgage solo that would take you to £2000 left your DP has £1600 so you still have more than him cos your £400 up then all bills could be 50/50.
Could you not get a mortgage together but have a legal agreement that X amount he has no claim on as that’s what you’re bringing to the table. So if you have 80k to put down on new house the agreement is if you split and need to sell 80k is yours then any other new built up equity is split 50/50 and you both pay half of mortgage each month? That seems the fairest way then no one is left vulnerable

So if I'm a home owner and I want my bf to live with me, I therefore have to get married to him? That doesn't make any sense. I have no idea if we will be successful in having children as we are both relatively old. If we were successful of course we might make new plans. Lots of couples marry after having kids. My thread is about what to do with the finances now.

Could you not get a mortgage together but have a legal agreement that X amount he has no claim on as that’s what you’re bringing to the table.

This is what we did. It's fairer but I don't think she wants to do that

If you love him, say you won't do it until he's had legal advice including what would happen to him in the event you separate after having a child.

Lay out to him clearly as you have on this thread what would happen to him. In fact show him the thread.

You do not love him IMO because you're encouraging him to act in a way that is harmful to his future interests.

Yes, this is a fair way to behave.

You don't have to marry. We had a legal agreement that I'd put in more money on the house. Then we had kids and now he earns more than me and after twenty years we have got married.

It feels as if you want the long-term benefits here (keeping ownership of the house) but also the short-term benefits (equal disposable income). I don't think you can have both.

I did have a chat with him last night and said I wanted to pay all the mortgage alone and we should split bills. He said he wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to give me £700 a month. I suggested having a joint account where we put his £700, and I add money. We use that for bills, food, couple activities, holidays etc. If I put £1100 into it that leaves us with £900 each in our personal accounts. He is not really too bothered about how much money I add to that account from it, it's up to me.

I explained to him that I should pay the mortgage alone and the respective positions we are both in given the mortgage is in my name, and that he needs to be able to save separately and the importance of that. He still stuck to his £700 offer as it's far less than he is paying now on rent, bills etc.

I do understand what pps are saying, but right now we are only 2 years into our relationship and I'm just not ready to share the mortgage with him. I also don't need to, as I can afford to pay it on my own.

He is hoping to get a promotion at some point and bring in more money, so that we can work towards improving our life as a couple/family. He has talked about being a SAHD when it comes to it, but I would prefer him to keep working tbh as I don't think it would be good for him to have to start again in a career in the future.

How is it more harmful than his current position?

That's fine. But don't make out it's unfair if he has more disposable at this point

I was responding to the person who said Never buy a house or have a baby with someone you're not married to.

You don't need all the bills in your name just open a joint account for the bills and they all come off that and you each put your own contribution in each month. You can keep the mortgage on your own account if you want.

My DH and I have similar we do 1/3 from DH and 2/3 from me. Would say that childcare costs as soon as they come in ramp up the monthly costs very quickly! If you are thinking about having a baby then be honest and upfront to how maternity leave will be covered etc etc.

Hardly romance of the century when you're already bleating about unfair if someone who earns half of what you do might have a bit more spends.
He's the one in the vulnerable position, he's no security living in YOUR home.
Ringfence your deposit and split everything , split all expenses 65/35.

Can anyone explain how this is worse than his current position?

You need legal advice. If he lives qith you long enough and can provw he has made payments to the property he would have a claim to it.

Very messy, you basically want him to move in with you but not have any protection

Well it doesn’t sound like you are being very fair to him. We would all tell a woman to run a mile if a man was suggesting the house stays in his name. P

If I were planning a shared life with somebody I would not even be thinking of this arrangement, it is easy enough to protect your deposit.

The reason it's harmful for him is if you have kids and split. He will then end up with no home and no kids as the kids will stay with you. On his wage it would probably be difficult to rent somewhere where he could have enough room for the kids, (depends where you are in the country)
If he was paying into a mortgage with you rather than his money disappearing in rent it would, hopefully, be benefitting from future house price rises and he would be buying somewhere rather than renting.

I've not explained that well but hopefully someone else can.

Having said that I would do the same as you and I would tell my daughters too.

Because he'll have fewer rights with you than as a tenant. He will be entirely at your mercy as you can dispose of him with no notice.

Because you will be taking money from him with the express intention of keeping it for yourself when you split.

If you think it is fine, show him the thread and tell him to get legal advice.

You know it is no way to treat someone.

He earns half what she earns, so wouldn’t it be fairer if they split costs percentage wise? I don’t think MMs would be suggesting a couple should split costs down the middle if it was the woman earning half what the man earns 😁