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Original poster

Is he just after one thing?

30 replies

Callie21 · 04/01/2024 14:29

I need some advice please as I'm not sure whether I'm just worried from my previous abusive relationship or whether there's red flags.

I've been on 3 dates with this guy and so far everything seems good - we have a lot in common, we find eachother attractive and it seems like we have the same values. We have good chats about things but nothing overly deep about personal lives. We've discussed what happened with our exes but nothing to in detail. We talk everyday but when he goes out with his mates he doesn't really keep contact.

On the first date we went for a drink - we kissed, 2nd date we watched a film at his - kissed but nothing else and 3rd date we went bowling - just kissed. He said from the start he has a 4th date rule as he wants to find something genuine.

He's very flirty and has made it clear that he fancies me and wants to be physical, I feel the same but I'm so worried that we'll sleep together and then he'll lose interest. I'm not sure whether I'm overthinking things but I just don't want to get anymore invested to be hurt.

TIA

OP posts:
Xatz63 · 04/01/2024 15:09

What is the 4th date rule ?

DustyLee123 · 04/01/2024 15:13

Tell him you don’t have sex before marriage, and then see how keen he is about you.

LyricalGangsta · 04/01/2024 15:17

4th date rule?
Sounds like a bellend.
Bin him off.

TheMixedGirl · 04/01/2024 15:19

Don't do anything you aren't ready for. Sounds semi rapey to me. Low key pressuring you

Xatz63 · 04/01/2024 15:20

Do you know what forget my last message Have your own rules ! See if he fits in with that x

blacksax · 04/01/2024 15:22

TheMixedGirl · 04/01/2024 15:19

Don't do anything you aren't ready for. Sounds semi rapey to me. Low key pressuring you

Eh?

He's not demanding sex on the 4th date.

AmazingDayz · 04/01/2024 15:33

Tbf I’ve seen a lot of women on MN saying they have a 3 date rule (usually 3 date rule not 4) so what’s the problem 🤷‍♀️

Moonie5 · 04/01/2024 15:35

I seem to read this differently, I think he says that he wants to wait with sex until at least the 4th date. I find this sensible and don’t see any red flags in this.

Moonie5 · 04/01/2024 15:38

And obviously if OP wants to wait longer than 4 dates then she absolutely should, but I don’t see anything that suggests that he’d not be ok with that.

Starryskies1 · 04/01/2024 15:42

He might have a 4th date rule. But you need your own rules. What do you want? What is your gut feeling? Is he enough or not?

CarrotyO · 04/01/2024 15:54

Maybe you want more emotionally intimacy / connection before doing anything sexual with him? I.e. to know him better. That seems fair enough as it sounds like your dates have been quite shallow so far, and have been activity focused (watching a film / going bowling) rather than getting to know each other. Maybe you want to go for meals with him, go on day trips together, speak on the phone more to get to know him properly?

alwaysmovingforwards · 04/01/2024 15:56

AmazingDayz · 04/01/2024 15:33

Tbf I’ve seen a lot of women on MN saying they have a 3 date rule (usually 3 date rule not 4) so what’s the problem 🤷‍♀️

I seem to read that lots had sex on the first date and have been happily married for x years now....

alwaysmovingforwards · 04/01/2024 15:58

DustyLee123 · 04/01/2024 15:13

Tell him you don’t have sex before marriage, and then see how keen he is about you.

I expect he'd just end it and find someone else, it's not 1952.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 04/01/2024 15:58

I've seen men lose interest after sex unfortunately. It can just be a part of life but I think that's the risk you take. No way to be 100 percent sure of who will lose interest after sex

Firefly2009 · 04/01/2024 16:19

Bearing in mind that it is always possible that a man is just looking for sex and will dump you afterwards, how long do you prefer to wait to have sex?

You can't control anything else, except where your boundaries are. How he respects your boundaries will tell you a lot.

ItsBeenRaining · 04/01/2024 16:21

Why do you feel he's going to dump you ?

There must be something making you feel like this.

Seaoftroubles · 04/01/2024 16:29

Decide what you want and make him aware of what you are looking for.
Do you know what his 4th date rule is? If not ask him and see if this aligns with your expectations. You need to be decide what works for you here, not worrying about what works for him.

Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 16:32

I'd be waiting longer personally. He might have a 4th date rule, but I'd be having a 6th or 7th date rule myself. I'd want to see how keen he is.

Either way, he certainly wouldn't be getting any on the 4th date.

bringon2024 · 04/01/2024 16:37

Yes

SamW98 · 04/01/2024 16:40

What is the 4th date rule?

Tbh there’s no guarantees that anyone you get involved with won’t lose interest at any point so you need to do what’s right for you and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 04/01/2024 16:48

I've seen men lose interest after sex unfortunately. It can just be a part of life but I think that's the risk you take. No way to be 100 percent sure of who will lose interest after sex

Exactly this. Some men lose interest after sex, some lose interest before. If they're going to lose interest, they will either way, there are never any guarantees.

What's important is that you have sex when you want to.

samestyle · 04/01/2024 17:25

At least he wants to wait until date 4, many are in such a hurry for sex, i expect he wants to see how he feels about you after date 4 then decide if you want to become exclusive, if he doesn't give you an answer then I would be asking, lots of them try and get out of any commitment by saying you don't need to label, that's when I'd run. For now I would just see how it goes, there are no guarantees.

Russooooo · 04/01/2024 17:31

What’s his rule? That you must have sex on the fourth date? (If so, run a mile. That should be a joint decision, not a rule!) Or that he won’t have sex before the fourth date? (If so, I’m not sure what the problem is…)

retinolalcohol · 04/01/2024 17:43

I don't think I would take a whole lot of stock in the 'I have a 4 date rule' if I were you. A lot of men will say anything. Can't count the number of times I've matched with a man on an app whose bio said 'looking for something serious, wants kids' and then on meeting them it was obvious they'd only said that to reel women in. There's no way of knowing what people are after sadly.

Look at how he treats you. Don't be pressured. Only have sex when you really want to - so if he dumps you after (which I'm not saying he definitely will!), you at least had some sex that you wanted

retinolalcohol · 04/01/2024 17:43

*put a lot of stock in rather

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