Husband blamed his aggressive behaviour on the fact I never made him feel good about himself.

[isitmemaybe1]

I’m a bit confused. I left a marriage of 12 years because it was just really toxic. He was really aggressive and shouting swearing. He claimed he was passionate.

He maintains that he has never done anything wrong. He says that I made him feel so low and his self esteem low. I have my own issues, I am not overly sexual. I didn’t have the best upbringing. No abuse just a very absent mother. He was hit by his father and is childhood was very violent.

When he felt low he took it out on me. He claims I’m the one who mainly made him feel low. I didn’t love him enough, make him feel good about himself enough. In return he’d snap at me. On a few occasions throw stuff at me then apologise. I tired to make him feel good but he really never bothered with me. He thought buying things was all you needed to do and I walked around on eggshells incase I set him off. I had to always agree otherwise he’d think I wasn’t on his side about things, even when i knew he was at fault.

In the end I left and said this is no way to live. I’m confused as be said I was the cause of him snapping but he begged me not to leave etc etc, I did because I didn’t want my small child living like this.

Can a person make someone be so snappy and horrible? I obviously didn’t make him feel good. I tried but I had things I was struggling with. Any issues I had were nothing about him, they were mine from my childhood. He always took it personally even though I explained.

He is with someone else now as it’s been years. Our daughter says he shouts at her but she says that the girlfriend is only trying to make him happy because she feels sorry for him.

Was it me, or him? I’m in another relationship and have never been shouted at.

My abusive XH was and is exactly the same as yours @isitmemaybe1 - I am now divorced and me and DS are much more settled and happy. It wasn't and isn't you, your ex just won't admit, even to himself, how badly he behaves.

To be pondering if it was your fault the man abused you shows you are not in the right mindset yet to educate or help your kid in the trauma she's being made to endure.

You need to teach and demonstrate to her that there's no excuse for abuse, do not date abusers, do not tolerate them, red flags, how to have self worth and standards, how to heal and survive the trauma. Have you done any of this with her? Also read up on how cortisol impacts developing brains and bodies.

@isitmemaybe1

no, blaming you is his way out of looking at himself.

even being sacked for shouting at the girl at work didn't make him look at himself.

Do you think your daughter sees what he's like? Do you think she knows he's wrong?

I do continue to tell her that no one should shout, make you feel scared. I tell her is ok to leave situations that make you feel unsafe. He tells her if he was so bad mummy wouldn’t have stayed so long. I have told her that my own mummy never told me about these things like I’m telling you so I thought it was ok.

I find it hard to see why he stayed when I didn’t make him feel good.

Because abusers enjoy abusing. He's not worth a moments thought. More importantly, get your child therapy and get clued up on child trauma. I beg you. I speak from experience.

@JingleSnowmanTree he has started shouting at his girlfriend of a couple of years in front of daughter so yes she is starting to understand. I ask her how she feels when he shouts at his gf and she says she is upset and cry’s. Without me having to do much he is putting the doubt in her head that he is a good person and me bad.

It’s really important that you stop believing what he says. He’s still managing to get to you. He’s talking out of his arse and always has done.

It’s hard to see past the shit show it was, very intense. We were also badly matched.

@isitmemaybe1

Personally I think you need to stop caring what he says/thinks. I know that's really hard & you want confirmation that it wasn't your fault/you didn't cause it. I think it's plain to see it wasn't. Yeah, bring mismatched isn't great but I think maybe the 'worst' you did was not to placate him, but THAT would have been really bad for you & DD.

look at how he's now shout at his GF & in front of DD. He's showing himself for who HE is, nothing to do with you or his GF.

If DD ever says she doesn't want to go, I wouldn't be making her.

but right now we need to focus on YOU.

he stayed because he wanted to & that's all there is to it. He needed someone to blame for his feelings of inadequacy.

whats your current bloke like?

what's DD's relationship with him like?

He is nothing like my ex. My daughter’s relationship with my partner was great until her dad got in her head and we had a bad year really. She is starting to realise now though that he isn’t the bad guy. Her dad says so much to her during contact.

I think she is a little torn. He buys her stuff and gives attention but then on the other hand hes shouty and needs constant attention.

He tells her if he was so bad mummy wouldn’t have stayed so long.

Abusers will say things like this, conveniently leaving out essential information like:

• Mummy was financially constrained due to working part-time/being a SAHM as we agreed and didn't have the money to leave so kept hoping the relationship would be fixed by me learning to behave better
• Mummy was scared I wouldn't look after you properly if she left because I could barely look after you even when she was there to help
• Mummy was scared I would be financially punitive or lie to social services to get full custody of you if she left
• Mummy was unwell from the stress of the relationship so the effort of leaving and starting again as a single mum with no help felt completely overwhelming to her
• Mummy was beaten down by the fact that I regularly told her she was useless and nobody would employ her so didn't have the confidence to get a job that could financially support her as a single mum
• Mummy was deeply stuck in the belief that people are basically good and all they need is the right information/feedback/love to change so she kept telling herself if she just did the right things or said the right words, I would understand how much she was hurting and change so things could be better
• I always blamed Mummy for my actions and because adults did the same thing to her when she was a kid and she never learned differently, she was stuck in thinking she really was the problem and was focused on trying to change herself so I would behave better
• Mummy was isolated and didn't have a good social support system to help her through a separation because I kept her so busy she didn't have time for friends and family, or I disapproved of her friends and family so she stopped spending time with them or I sulked or threw tantrums whenever she went out without me so she stopped doing it because she didn't want to upset me

Yes @CheekyHobson he leaves all that out. I doubt he’s that self aware to even think any of that. He just thinks I wasn’t doing my job properly so he didn’t value me. I think he thinks very black and white. He often tells her that he bought me what I wanted so he was a good person, sounds like a transaction but money wasn’t the right thing, it never made the shouting feel better.