Husband blamed his aggressive behaviour on the fact I never made him feel good about himself.

[isitmemaybe1]

I’m a bit confused. I left a marriage of 12 years because it was just really toxic. He was really aggressive and shouting swearing. He claimed he was passionate.

He maintains that he has never done anything wrong. He says that I made him feel so low and his self esteem low. I have my own issues, I am not overly sexual. I didn’t have the best upbringing. No abuse just a very absent mother. He was hit by his father and is childhood was very violent.

When he felt low he took it out on me. He claims I’m the one who mainly made him feel low. I didn’t love him enough, make him feel good about himself enough. In return he’d snap at me. On a few occasions throw stuff at me then apologise. I tired to make him feel good but he really never bothered with me. He thought buying things was all you needed to do and I walked around on eggshells incase I set him off. I had to always agree otherwise he’d think I wasn’t on his side about things, even when i knew he was at fault.

In the end I left and said this is no way to live. I’m confused as be said I was the cause of him snapping but he begged me not to leave etc etc, I did because I didn’t want my small child living like this.

Can a person make someone be so snappy and horrible? I obviously didn’t make him feel good. I tried but I had things I was struggling with. Any issues I had were nothing about him, they were mine from my childhood. He always took it personally even though I explained.

He is with someone else now as it’s been years. Our daughter says he shouts at her but she says that the girlfriend is only trying to make him happy because she feels sorry for him.

Was it me, or him? I’m in another relationship and have never been shouted at.

You are responsible for your behaviour and how you respond
Others are responsible for theirs
Stop thinking about him. Waste of energy.

It is easier to blame you than accept he was abusive.

He just maintains and even to our daughter that he did nothing wrong and that I caused him to be so low and act out.

Well he would, wouldn't he? Abuser almost always blame their victims because the alternative is to accept that they, and only they, are responsible for their own abusive behaviour.

Worth also considering this. You almost certainly weren't the only person in his life who made him feel low. So how did he manage to hold down jobs and stay out of prison? He could presumably control himself when he knew he wouldn't get away with it. He indulged himself in abusing you because he knew he could do so with impunity. He's just a common or garden bully. It was him, not you, it was always him.

He's an ex now. Do yourself a big favour and stop listening to him, stop giving him headspace.

It wasn't you

It was him

If he's shouting at his own child, then he's clearly an abusive bastard and it's still him

It's him, 100%. You will need time and professional help to get over this abuse, gaslighting and damage. I've been there and I can say that I didn't seek help and got myself into a mental health mess believing all the gaslighting etc. It's not you. Just recognise that men like this are attracted to people who they think they can manipulate. I'd be cautious about telling any future partner about this abuse until you feel really confident. Please get some therapy it will really really help.

@WalkingThroughTreacle he behaved the same way to anyone one put him down. He lost a job for shouting at a young girl who asked him to tidy up his mess. I was expected to agree with him but he didn’t really go about it in the right way.

Just to add, I'd also keep a very close eye on your daughter and her relationship with him. IMHO, he's already overstepping the mark massively by having discussions with her about his abuse of you and trying to get her on his side. Domestic abusers can also turn on their own daughters when daddy's little girl grows up and starts trying to exercise some independence.

@WalkingThroughTreacle we were at court for years over access. All I can do is watch and talk to her. She is on her best behaviour when she stays with him. Mainly the new girlfriend looks after her and I’ve heard she is nice. But he shouts at the gf and makes daughter cry.

You don’t need to give his inane wittering any worth by analysing it. Abusers are worthless filth.
Has your daughter had therapy to ensure she doesn’t think this man is normal and end up dating a specimen the same as him?
Crossposted. I see your child is already walking on eggshells to appease the abuser. This is so, so damaging.

Of course he’s maintaining a victim narrative, because the alternative, of accepting he is abusive unless everyone in his life tiptoes around him and never challenges him, would mean taking accountability and responsibility for his behaviour. It’s much easier to blame everyone else and never have to change. Don’t internalise what he has told you. Instead invest in educating your daughter about abuse and doing self esteem work for yourself. The book overcoming low self esteem is a good place to start.

Literally don't even waste time thinking about it. You're out of a bad situation physically, need to pull your mind out of it too now hun. x

My marriage is exactly like this. My DH is like this.
Same childhood issues. I don’t want it for our child…

How did you get on afterwards?
So hard to break up a family…
But were you & DD much happier?

Why do you want other people to tell you your xh was a bad person after all this time? Your life is now.

It was him.
He's doing similar things with the new GF, whereas you don't find that somehow you 'make' your new partner behave badly. Go figure.

He's an abuser, and part of his character is to not take responsibility for his own behaviour.

"Was it me, or him?"

You both sound like very damaged people who had difficult upbringings, who have come together and fed each other into a downward spiral.
You would both benefit from counselling but you can only take responsibility for that for yourself.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking you are fine just because there is no shouting in your new relationship. Take ownership of addressing your own past problems so that you (you - regardless of anyone else or any other relationship) can thrive.

My ex used to explode in sudden rage if I used the wrong ‘tone of voice’ to him. Once the wrong tone of voice was just me calling him from another room.

He even followed this up by saying that he knew I didn’t even know I was doing it, but it just made him see red. He then said he would try not to see red everytime I used the wrong tone (as if he was being the magnanimous one).

You probably read that and thought how fucking ridiculous. If every time you say something and it’s going to be judged by him acting as the tone police, how do you even know what you are doing wrong?

After therapy I realised it wasn’t how I said it, but what I said. But by accusing me of being wrong he deflected what I had said into how I said it. Even if I just voiced an opinion that he didn’t agree with he started saying ‘I don’t want to start a row’ That’s a very efficient way to shut you down. Their ego is very very fragile.

So I agree with everyone else, it’s not you it’s him. My therapist thought my ex had narcissistic traits. It means that due to his childhood he had no sense of self love, just a dark empty void.

Everyone around him has to supply that love, admiration, support all the time. But it is never enough to fill that void.

So you can never love them enough, admire them enough or support them enough to keep them happy all of the time (and that is what they want). So they will do anything and everything to make you feel to blame.

You may have failings and that is what makes you ask this question. But believe me even if you had been utterly perfect and never put a foot wrong, you would still have failed him.

A lot of your post is similar to my marriage. Narcissists are famous for never seeking therapy, why would they? There’s nothing wrong with them.

So remember it’s him, not you.

@HoHoHoliday yes I definitely contributed to my own downfall. Trying to please my way into being treated better, cowering at raised voices and literally just standing and taking it all. I’ve done some work with my childhood. I just wondered if I at that point in time made he like this?!

Can a person make someone be so snappy and horrible?

No.

As for your DD, tell her that Daddy says these things but he's wrong - it's never okay to shout/hit/intimidate people, no matter how unhappy you are. I assume that there will have been situations where she has, for example, lashed out at a sibling/friend/relative who has upset her and you've explained that's not okay? Remind her of that and tell her that Daddy never learnt that lesson.

OP you need to stop analysing this. Obviously no, you did not make him like this.
The important thing is your child's ongoing trauma.

His behaviour is his responsibility. No one “makes” someone abuse them. He’s an abuser.
And he’s now moved onto his next victim.

Sounds like he has some issues that pre-date you. It isn't the other partner's job (male or female) to 'fix' low self esteem or make you feel good about yourself. I'm not ashamed to say I learned this a long time ago as I used to feel that my boyfriend's job was to soothe all my emotional pain from stuff that happened in my own childhood. And surprise surprise I lost a good relationship. So I had some counselling and spent a long period single learning to cope better with my emotions.

Until he is ready and willing to heal and realise that self respect and self esteem needs to come from within and not a romantic partner, he isn't really ready for any other relationship.

I think what @JadziaD says is important - it's vital your DD knows this wasn't normal and acceptable. And put out of your mind any idea that his behaviour was your fault, he was trying to find an excuse. He knows it's him not controlling his behaviour, but he was probably told my his parents that he caused the abuse he experienced. You can break that cycle with DD - well done on getting out.