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Original poster

How important is it to be 'in love'?

33 replies

boudoiricca · 17/03/2008 14:38

I know this topic has been done before, but would appreciate advice and thoughts from those who've experienced this from whichever side of the fence.

My friend (yes, really, really - she keeps asking my opinion and I have run out of advice) doesn't know what to do about her DP.

They were at Uni together, 13 years ago. Stayed in contact as part of a big group of friends and both had a number of serious relationships (though no marriages or dcs).

Two years ago they got together as a couple. He is a lovely guy. Kind, caring, smart if a little disorganised. She says she loves him, but is very concerned that she isn't 'In Love' with him. Doesn't have and has never had a truly deep emotional connection. Though there are many, many things about him that she acknowledges are great and she knows they could rattle along cmofortably together for the rest of their lives.

She wants to settle down and have dcs. She just doesn't know whether to relish what she has and settle with this guy, missing the crazy-in-love feelings and risking having it happen with someone else at a later date. Or sadly let him go in the hope that she meet someone else equally compatable whom she also has that magical spark with...

I think the fact she is still questioning this means it's a big problem and she needs to come to terms with it one way or another.

Any thoughts? Your experiences?

OP posts:
chelsygirl · 17/03/2008 14:44

I think you need to be in love to get you thru the hard bits

Samantha28 · 17/03/2008 14:49

I don't know

We had that " magic spark" but the stresses of life with children, jobs, mortgage etc mean its a little dimmed sometimes

But at least we had it and I'm hoping that we can regain it soon when things are easier.

I don't know what it would be like to marry when you are not passionately in love. But then lots of cultures do this with arranged marriages and i don't know if there is any evidence that they are more of less happy than us???

Sorry rambling thoughts here ...not much use

Original poster
boudoiricca · 17/03/2008 14:50

But crazy-in-love wears off anyway, for most people, doesn't it? Is a strong loving friendship not enough?

OP posts:
TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 14:53

I think you need passion. And if at some point it wanes, that's fine, you can probably get it back again. But you can't if it was never there in the first place. I think it's easy to settle when the clock's ticking but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.

Daedalus · 17/03/2008 14:53

I think after a long relationship, it is more important to like the person that you live with. Children and financial pressures can do a lot to dim the feelings that you start out with. However, if she has never loved him and is questioning after 2 years, I would wonder if their relationship is strong enough to last through the hard times. Her call though.

No1ErmaBombeckfan · 17/03/2008 15:00

In a way I agree with boudoiricca - isn't crazy-in-love just pure narccism?? Isn't this what M Scott Peck says in Road Less Travelled??

I do believe there has to be spark, but sometimes we attribute too much and just give a lover so much more leeway than what we would do if we had our thinking caps on?

So many posters on MN talk about 'how the spark has gone' or 'didn't notice this' - surely if marriage is treated as the business it is we wouldn't end up in half the trouble we do??

Original poster
boudoiricca · 17/03/2008 15:01

She does love him, she just doesn't feel in love with him. It's the passion that's lacking, I think...

OP posts:
BearMama · 17/03/2008 15:16

I waited till I was 37 to find a man I really fell in love with and still am in love with. At least one previous relationship was pretty much what your friend has, and I didnt rate any of them of them highly enough to father my child, until now.

When I met my DP, I stopped looking, simple as that. I knew he was what I needed straight away and I've never looked twice at anyone else.

If she stays with this man then meets someone she clicks with, she will get the shock of her life. If she needs passion (and lots of people dont) this man will not be enough for her, however much she pretends otherwise.

Its a tough bit of advice to have to give anyone and a tough decision to have to make. I wish your friend all the best.

Anna8888 · 17/03/2008 15:18

She is looking for a husband.

Which is fine.

But this man is not Mr Right.

Tell her to keep looking.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 17/03/2008 15:22

How old is she? If she wants children and she is coming up to 35, I don't think she should risk dumping Mr Ok when there is no guarantee of ever meeting Mr Wonderful.

noddyholder · 17/03/2008 15:26

I have dp and I have loving friendships but they aren't the same.I agree3 that being in love helps you get through the crappy times and it doesn't always fade with time in fact I feel more in love now than at the start

beaniesteve · 17/03/2008 15:29

I think perhaps she has a romanticised view of love which vary rarely happens in real life. But if she's not had any kind of deep feeling of love for him theyn perhaps she should let him go and find someone who is more sensible and open to realising that 'love' is more than a big thunderbolt.

Original poster
boudoiricca · 17/03/2008 15:31

She's 33.

You are all describing the dilemma she's facing. In my heart I agree with Bearmama BUT what if she never does meet Mr Right?

Erma's POV is very practical - as is Kathy's...

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 17/03/2008 15:33

I think she would be unfair to settle for this guy, unfair to him and herself. She will always be asking, what if. I think we all appreciate that the heady "in love " feeling goes after a while, especially after the pressures of parenthood. But it is replaced with something more steadfast, comfortable and stronger. The thing is, i don't think you can skip the in love bit, iwswim

MarmiteMe · 17/03/2008 15:38

Tough one, I can totaly understand if she wants kids.
A stable, good, decent guy that she cares for is pehaps a good man to have children with.
I was madly in love with DD's Dad, he left when she was 6 weeks old after two years together so maybe I'd have been better off with Mr Dependable.
Now I have my DD though, I want to wait for someone I'm madly in love with. I'm 30 and don't want more kids so I see no rush to find him or settle for someone

SilentTerror · 17/03/2008 18:51

I married on the rebound from a very passionate but ultimately disastrous relationship.
I had known DH for a few years and been friends with him.I married for security,for more children,for companionship,for sex!
However I fell in love when I realised that DH made me feel wanted,and secure, and I looked forward to spending time with him.In our case familiarity bred not contempt but love!
Ahh!

expatinscotland · 17/03/2008 18:55

Depends on your definition of love.

I personally find crazy-in-love a machination created by fiction writers and Hollywood to sell people things.

I think a lot of women wind up alone in childless when they didn't want to be because they sadly bought into this myth.

I'm glad I'm not one of them.

To me, love is respect. Love is 'I will stay with you', not necessarily 'I love you.'

SilentTerror · 17/03/2008 18:59

Expat that is what i meant with my ramblings!

OrmIrian · 17/03/2008 19:08

Agree Expat.

I think there is a bit of self-indulgence and self-obsession involved in being in love. I found the whole process exhilarating, exhausting, frustrating, and ultimately temporary. OK, I stayed in love with DH for many many years, but not any more. I love him very much and we have huge shared history and 3 DCs in common - but it's not passionate. I'm not sure that you can ever get it back when it's gone - but the memory remains and you are left with love and respect and affection. He is without doubt my best friend. I have slightly itchy feet atm if I'm honest but I would never seriously leave. We built up a huge bank of the stuff you need to live together for life.

I think the myth of in-loveness is responsible for a lot of restless unhappiness and missed oppurtunities.

Original poster
boudoiricca · 17/03/2008 19:44

I agree. But she's very much a "reach for the stars" kinda person. And reluctant to give up on the idea that she might never feel that crazy heady passion ever again. Though does appreciate what she has right now...

OP posts:
cory · 17/03/2008 19:48

I fell in love in the big him-or-noone way, at age 19. It took a couple of years before he reciprocated. It took 10 years before we could actually live together in the same country. Big romantic love affair. Big romantic wedding. And yes, it has been good. My marriage has been very, very good.

But then my friend took a conscious decision to have a baby with a friend of hers, because they got on well together and their biological clocks were ticking. And their relationship too has been very happy.

So I think different ways work for different people.

gonaenodaethat · 17/03/2008 19:52

Agree with expat and ST.

Knowing that you share similar values and life ambitions, friendship and respect. I also think security is underrated.

SenoraPostrophe · 17/03/2008 19:55

but the crazy in love thing only lasts for 5 minutes anyway, in the scheme of things.

I know so many people who've confided they're not "in love" with their partner, only to pine away pathetically when they split up. crazy in love is for teenagers.

nooka · 17/03/2008 19:55

I guess it's useful in these situations to think would I marry this guy? If he proposed how would I feel? Do I miss him when he's not there (and not because he's handy to have around!) do I love him in a heartfelt sort of way (not neccessarily passionate). Or, if he turned around tomorrow and said "let's just be friends" how upset would I be? I do think that people give up on relationships and then find it is too late, but that's not to say this relationship is right. I don't think being "in love" gets you through anything much, what matters more is do I really love the other person. Do I feel complete with him by my side. Have I stopped looking at anyone else. If none of these questions resonate then she should put him out of his misery and look for someone else. She might not find Mr Right of couse, but he might find "Mrs Right", and if she cares about him that's important too.

littlewoman · 17/03/2008 19:57

Agree absolutely 100% with expat. Have twice been married in the 'crazy-in-love' way. Turned out to just be 'crazy'. There will not be so many 'rough patches' if you get a considerate, committed and loyal guy. My relationship with new bf sometimes seems a little dull because I'm not crazy in love with him. But he is the nicest man I ever met and I'd be crazy to look for something better.

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