How important is it to be 'in love'?

[boudoiricca]

I know this topic has been done before, but would appreciate advice and thoughts from those who've experienced this from whichever side of the fence.

My friend (yes, really, really - she keeps asking my opinion and I have run out of advice) doesn't know what to do about her DP.

They were at Uni together, 13 years ago. Stayed in contact as part of a big group of friends and both had a number of serious relationships (though no marriages or dcs).

Two years ago they got together as a couple. He is a lovely guy. Kind, caring, smart if a little disorganised. She says she loves him, but is very concerned that she isn't 'In Love' with him. Doesn't have and has never had a truly deep emotional connection. Though there are many, many things about him that she acknowledges are great and she knows they could rattle along cmofortably together for the rest of their lives.

She wants to settle down and have dcs. She just doesn't know whether to relish what she has and settle with this guy, missing the crazy-in-love feelings and risking having it happen with someone else at a later date. Or sadly let him go in the hope that she meet someone else equally compatable whom she also has that magical spark with...

I think the fact she is still questioning this means it's a big problem and she needs to come to terms with it one way or another.

Any thoughts? Your experiences?

I think when you consider marrying someone, you need to look VERY seriously at them as a partner for life, because if you have kids they're going to be in your life no matter what.

And I think you have to ask, 'Would I stay with this person, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer', when they get old, if they lose the means by which they make a living and will they do the same for me.

Because real love changes over time, but it endures.

You can't know this type of love unless a) you love yourself b) you respect that other person.

For me at least, 'crazy in love' isn't enough, because it isn't love and certainly not the kind that lasts the same 43 years my parents have been married, because if and when it wears off, you have to still respect him and yourself in order to not do so many of the not-so-nice things partners can do to each other.

'I think the myth of in-loveness is responsible for a lot of restless unhappiness and missed oppurtunities. '

Indeed!

Very very valid point Nooka about it being unfair to keep him hanging when she's not sure. And I have pointed this out to her.

I have suggested they try a bit of dating and see if it can help. Maybe some candles and flowers and appreciation of each other can help her stop feeling so much like old friends? Worth a try...

I know how hard this one is and of course we all want the fairy tale. But to be honest, most people can't tell the difference between "crazy in love" and infatuation, and relationships like that often founder eventually.

My last relationship was total sexual chemistry that I tried to tell myself was love - it was a total disaster!! My husband (who came before my last ex), I am divorcing now, we did fall intensely in love, but for me the passion died eventually as I realised (too late) I wasn't really that attracted to him. I think it has to be a good mixture of the two. With my new dp, there is alot of chemistry (but not so much as to burnout too quickly) and there is a "connection", something you can't really identify, but you just know it pulls you together. We have a healthy respect for each other and I care deeply for him, I would like it to become love, but time will tell. All I can say is I am happier with him than I have ever been. So I suppose what I am saying is, you need to look back at what you have had and be honest with yourself about what you want and need (two totally different things IMO). But everyone is different and you cannnot decide what is right for you by looking at what others have done.

Good luck!

I sound like a control freak saying this, but i hate the crazy in love feeling. I feel totally out of control. i've only felt it once and when the relationship ended I felt like killing myself, I spiralled badly downward from a massive high. I hated the fact that someone could have so much power over me. I also agree with expat that crazy in love is something peddled by Hollywood. My dh is my best friend, we are so similar and yet our differences are enough to keep us on our toes. We never ever run out of things to say and we make each other laugh every day. I am totally 100% comfortable with him (something I never was with mr crazy in love, spent 2 years sucking in my stomach!) and I know I'll spend the rest of my life with him. That's more important in my opinion.

Mrs Mars. Some excellent points made!

I have never been CRAZY in love with DH but am DEEPLY in love with him and that gets deeper with each passing year. A truly deep emotional connection takes time to develop. personally I don't think crazy in love IS a deep emotional connection...more like lust/obsession!

As others have said, my dh is my best friend, has always 'got my back' and I respect his opinion and trust him implicitly. Although little things he does still set me fizzing

In my experience, what makes you crazy in love in the early days makes you just plain crazy as time goes on. Depends what your friend wants long term though - comfort, stability etc or high excitement, uncertainty.

Have to say I feel quite sorry for 'him'. I'd hate to be in a relationship with quite so many question marks

I agree. Being comfortable with someone is very important - although you have to watch not to take them for granted. I married my dh many moons ago, having been with him for five years before that (since we were both teenagers - how sweet ). I have had phases of being more "in-love" (otherwise known as feeling a bit soppy!) with him, and phases of hating him, but I have always loved him. Having seperated for a while and recommitted recently I feel more right about being by his side than I have done for years, maybe ever, but I think that feeling of being right together has taken many years to grow and much heatache to test. I think it's worth being in mind that many relationships go through that forge of hardship of one sort of another and the ones that make it are the ones for keeps.