Can a mum leave the kids?

[pomegranatebear23]

I am considering leaving my husband, but this will mean me leaving the family home and my kids staying with their dad.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and he's disrespected me for most of that time. He's had lots of online sexual encounters with women (nothing physical) that have really upset me and he just doesn't seem to care about me.
I have been on maternity leave and I've been really struggling. I found out late in pregnancy that he was still paying online sex workers for sexual content/conversations, and exchanging sexual videos and pictures with an ex of his who has now moved to another country and it really ruined the end of the experience and the time with my baby. I've struggled with depression and my bulimia has resurfaced. I've also self-harmed a few times. I struggle being trapped in the house with the baby. I don't drive, only get SMP at the moment so don't have much money of my own, and don't have friends or family in the day time. I'm finding it so hard.
My husband has been completely unconcerned and won't help me.
I know that it isn't my husband's duty to take care of me because I'm an adult and my issues are my own to get help for and I know that he has to work so I am not saying he should be solving all my problems for me or take time off work to help me with the baby, but it's really upset me that he hasn't shown any interest in helping me get better. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be researching and trying to help him to get better. I've had family go through mental health problems and I've phoned the GP for them, taking them to appointments, but my husband doesn't want to do this, even though he is more able to do the 8 am dash to the phone than I am (baby often feeds at this time whereas he's on his way to work and could call on the car).
He did call the docs once but then when my work called and said that day would be good for a KIT day, to go into work and rearrange the appt because we needed the money for Xmas. I asked him to rearrange while I was in work for me because I couldn't access the phone and he said he would but I then got a message saying I'd be kicked out of my GP surgery for missing appts if I missed one more. When I brought it up, he told me it was my issue, he's done his bit booking the initial one, and I should have sorted it.
I feel like he gaslights me all the time when I say I have an issue with things like him taking the pram to work instead of getting it out (this happens a lot and stops me from being able to leave the house) or taking the bank card to work with him so I have no money in the day and can't get the tram/bus anywhere. When we talk, he makes out he doesn't understand or brings up things he did for me years ago, like when he phoned the docs for me in 2016, and it just gets me so angry and him, too. He's broken my laptop and my phone in the past few weeks. We are rowing and I don't want the kids around it but he's refusing to leave because he's saying I have issues and it isn't his job to help me. So my question is: can I leave and the kids stay with him until I get sorted somewhere away from him and get myself right? Or does that make me a terrible mother? He is an excellent dad to them and doesn't get anywhere near as stressed as I do. I think I'm a disappointment to him that I haven't done very well with this baby.

The one piece of advice I would give you is to not leave your kids. It wouldn't make you a bad mum but he could decide to keep them and drag you through a massive court battle to get them back in to your care.

Darling, he’s abusing you and he’s an awful dad. Excellent dads do not treat the mothers of their children in this terrible way.

Please call Women’s Aid for advice? I’m not an expert, but I’d be worried that leaving would just make life trickier for you.

Take care x

I agree with pps , I think your husband would use that against you, drag you through the courts, make life difficult for you and your children.
First stop is help in real life, talk to your health visitor, they can come to you at home which will be easier for you. Tell the HV what your husband is doing, his abusive behaviour, including leaving you with no money to leave the house. Your bulimia is a result of his behaviour.
Speak to Women’s Aid https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

Is there anywhere you and the children can go? Your parent/s , sister, a friend?
Once you start talking to people about what you are going through, vocalising all the things your husband does, it becomes easier to see a way out.

No, please don't leave the kids. He doesn't sound like he'd look after them well. You'd be worried sick about them and he'd have a massive weapon to manipulate you with.

Thank you so much for your reply. Sadly, we don't have really have anywhere else we can go. My husband has spoken to my parents already and my dad, who isn't the greatest and wasn't all that nice to be as kid, has taken his side, saying I need to just do things for myself. They don't know the extent of my problems and I don't want them to. When I was bulimic as a child, my dad was pretty cruel in his efforts to stamp it out of me so I don't think I'd get much sympathy. Long story short, we aren't close, and when I've tried to go to them in the past, they've said they can't cope with the stress I bring to the door.
I do have friends, but they live pretty far away and I don't drive, so it'd be a logistical nightmare getting the kids to and from school and me to and from work. I have a pretty demanding job and need to start early. I'm also honestly struggling with the kids at the moment, I don't feel like I'm able to be bright and cheerful in front of them whereas he is able to act like nothing is happening at all so he is the better parent in that sense.
I wouldn't be considering being the one to go unless things were really intolerable, but I can't see any way out of this situation and the constant arguing. I feel like I'm just going to have to put up with it until I can earn my own money again, learn to drive, and afford my own house, but honestly the time that's going to take is making me feel sad.
I did go to a GP once when the baby was a few months old and she told him straight that my bulimia was likely due to how he was treating me with the other women, but he denied it and said I'd had it for ages and it wasn't due to him. When I say that this situation now is because of him, he says I'd have struggled anyway because I struggled a little with our first child, but nowhere near to this extent.
I will contact Women's Aid but I'm also worried about making him out to be an abuser and he is a good guy and I think I just frustrate him. He doesn't behave nastily towards anyone else, he only shouts at me so I'm the trigger for him. We just shouldn't be together but he doesn't want to leave and I don't know what to do.
I will get in touch with Women's Aid - thank you.

This is the thing, he's genuinely a great dad. Completely unfazed, not stressed by them, does night feeds and bath time and cooks their tea ... on paper he's amazing, it's just when it comes to me that he isn't. I really feel like he doesn't like me and doesn't care and we row, but then when I say I want him to leave, he tells me I'd never cope with the kids, I'm a horrible mum, is quite horrible to me, and then we end up stuck. But to the kids he's great. I know that the kids think I'm the problem and that makes me want to end it. When they're older I might be able to explain but they just see me crying and their dad getting on.

If he's deliberately broken your laptop and your phone that's a police matter. I'd be wary of escalation if I were you. Aldo, they may be able to help you in getting him out of the house.

He did deliberately break them. He has been kind of violent towards me in some rows - he's never punched me, but he has pushed me around/thrown things at me/picked me up and thrown me around/pinned me down.
I just feel like he's a nice guy and he'd never do that to anyone else so he doesn't deserve to be in trouble for it from the police. This is one of the reasons why I can't tell anyone and I feel I need to go and leave him with the kids. He never does anything to me in front of the children; in the kids eyes I'm the problem because I shout and cry whereas their dad, in front of them, is completely collected. I know I should be more self-controlled for the kids' sake. He says no one has ever made him feel as angry and out of control as I do so I do think I'm the issue for not being good enough and having my issues and being sad a lot, so I want us to split, but he won't go so that's why I feel I need to. he just doesn't care about me but his behaviour is so unlike how he is in person. he has a great job, people love him, think he's kind, which he is, he's nice to the other women online and to my friends who he's flirted with and said he's there for when they're anxious ... he's just horrible to me and I don't want to be with him.

This man leaves you with no money, takes the pram so you are trapped in the house, smashes your phone and computer leaving you with no means of communicating with others, is physically violent to you, cheats on you...

It is no surprise that your bulimia has resurfaced and you shout and cry - you are being abused. Of course he looks like the calm one - he is in control of the situation and is controlling your every move. He is the abuser - it is what abusers do, look like the lovely reasonable one and paint their victim as the nutjob.

Leave this man with your children and I can see your mental health and moods getting far better because you won't be being abused any more.

Listen to any poster that has advice on how to leave him and get rehoused with your children.

Leaving your children is not the answer as you have no where to go, little support and you could end up feeling worse and in a dire situation.
You need an initial plan and a longer term one. Initially you should try to get some help with your mental health, how you are feeling, your bulimia and coping with your new baby. Do you think that you may have post natal depression? Make an appointment to see a GP and attend. Keep the pram at home so that you can get out and about each day and sort out some financial independence, your own bank card or separate bank account so you cannot be left without money.
Longer term get your application in for a driving licence and book driving lessons. Start to plan ahead for your future independent life with the children maybe on a 50/50 basis with your husband.

I left my husband due to DV. In the process I lost my kids as they chose to live with him. I’ve since lost contact with my eldest.

devastating :(

Do you honestly think if you weren't there in the house he would be pleasant and kind to all your children? Or would one of them become the target? However much you are struggling I bet you're still doing lots of childcare and housework to make your home run smoothly. He will be a lot more stressed if everything is his responsibility.

Talk to Women's Aid. He is physically, financially and verbally abusing you. If you saw a friend being treated in this way you would know it is wrong. I am not saying a mother should never leave a broken relationship but I fear for your children with this horrible man.

@Spomsored I'm doing everything in the house but according to him he does everything and I do nothing ... I know that sounds like a petty row but it's honestly exhausting having to explain to someone all you do because they repeatedly tell you that you're useless and do nothing. I'm going back to work mid-Jan and my job is tough but pays less than half of what his does (he is on a good wage) so he likes to tell me that I must be jealous of how he earns because I earn nothing ... it's soooooo tiring and I feel done.
I don't believe he'd turn on the children but I guess you never know.
I just feel like I'm trapped and always will be unless I do something drastic and phone the police, but I don't want to do that.

@Anneta In an ideal world, of course it isn't the answer, but I'm really struggling being trapped in this situation and I feel like they're on his side anyway. I know that's probably the depression talking.
I know I need help with my depression and bulimia, but I'm struggling to get through to the GP to make an appointment. The one I had was like gold dust but it didn't get re-arranged. I know, I should have done it myself, but I didn't think I was asking too much to request that he did it for me while I was working and he was at home.
I will have to start getting the pram out of the car myself every night after he has used it to ensure that it is in the house.
I'm going to work soon so will be able to afford lessons. I know that I can plan for an independent life, but it won't be easy, and until then I'm stuck in a very unhappy place that I don't want to be in. I feel like the children admire him and hate me so I worry that they'd be better off without me.

Op your DH is seriously abusive and is gaslighting you. There is NOTHING about him that makes him a good guy.

Please call women's aid today.

How old are your kids?

@Morewineplease10 they are 6,3, and 7 months. I'll call Women's Aid but I'm worried about what they'll do. Their website says that even if a child is not being abused but witnesses verbal or physical abuse, they will take action. I shout sometimes and cry and I worry if they'll view that as a need to protect them. Urgh.

Please talk with women's aid. They won't judge you but they will hopefully be able to help you see objectively how your husband is treating you abusively in all sorts of ways. It sounds as though you grew up with your father mistreating you, and you've picked a similar type for a husband because that's what is familiar to you. Now that you're seeing the abuse for what it is, you're wanting to break the cycle which is great. It's the best thing that you could do for you and your children.

You need to prioritise going to the GP. Turn up at reception and tell them you need an urgent appointment for mental health grounds. Hopefully they’d book you in. Shouting etc is very damaging for children, no doubt about it. Focus on getting yourself into a position where you can leave. Do you jointly own the home? Prioritise driving lessons, get your ducks in a row but most importantly please go to the doctors. Don’t leave your kids, you will regret it.

He’s really done a number on you op. He is abusive and is not a good dad. The children are very young. You have another couple of years of tops of compliance from your eldest. Once they start rebelling, which happens slowly and escalates in the teen years, the likelihood of him continuing to put on the mr nice guy act for them is low.

Women’s Aid is there to help. It really wouldn’t be a bad thing for the abuse to be documented and flagged to the police. The next time he is physically abusive or threatening, please call them. That’s what they’re here for. Abusive men rarely stop and usually escalate.

Fully agree with other posters here. I think first you need to get your head around the fact that this is emotional abuse, with a real danger of physical abuse based on the fact he's comfortable destroying your possessions. He's not a nice guy or a good dad. Leaving you with no access to money (why don't you have your own bank card??) and without the means to leave the house is not normal at all. You have buried a lot of really worrying stuff in the middle of your posts, you need to see this behaviour for what it is.

Get emotional support from your GP, Women's Aid and friends and start preparing to leave, as others have said. You need access to money first and foremost. Get access to your joint accounts now. Do you have friends who could potentially lend you a bit? Is planning an exit for when you go back to work and are earning again possible?

I don't know about custody things but I would imagine leaving the kids now might create problems later.

@Whydosomanywomensleepwithsuchlosers Op has said her partnre picks her up, flips her around etc. He has crossed the line into physical abuse already even though OP says he doesn't hit her he is physically aggressive to her.

OP it sounds like you are in a very difficult space with your MH. Do you think realistically that you would be able to care for your 3 children on your own at the moment if you moved out? Given that you have mentioned depression, bulimia and self-harming it sounds like you need to get a bit better before uprooting the DC which will be a huge emotional challenge for them. Could you go stay at a relative other than your father for a week or two while you figure out what to do next? Your husband clearly hates you and you need to leave him or he needs to leave, but if the DC are safe and comfortable you can leave them for a short while. I am no expert on custody, but you are not abandoning them - you are seeking medical help.

OP, I know you don't think he's abusing you but he is. It's absolutely classic textbook abuse.

He's not even being particularly imaginative about it.

The police and anyone else who deals with abusive men or works with abused women will see it a mile off even if you can't. You have to trust what people are saying.

He pushes you around, leaves you unable to leave the house, and has broken your things. Those things alone would be recognised as abuse by the police.

Part of the 'being a great dad' routine is done specifically to gaslight you and make you doubt your own experience and its working.

Children who witness domestic abuse are now now considered abuse victims in their own right.

Oh, and when he doesn't understand or you have to keep explaining stuff and he still doesn't understand? He does understand. That is part of the abuse. It amuses him to see you become upset and frustrated. It's part of the power play.

Trust me, if you speak to any professional about this, they will recognise it as abuse.

I'm a primary school teacher. We know of several families like yours because the children tell us about it. No one would think it's you and we would look at supporting you and getting you support because this can't continue for you or your children. It's a very dangerous situation.

Oh and as the child of an abusive parent, I can tell you that if you leave the house, he will turn on your children. He's currently 'good' with them because a) he actually has to do very little so it doesn't impact on him and b) it's part of his abuse of you.

You need to speak to a professional who can help you.

Tbh, if speaking to the police feels too much right now, you can talk to your child's school. Make an appointment and tell them everything you've said here. They will take appropriate action but it might feel a bit safer to you to approach them first.

Everything he does is deliberate.

And that's how you have to start seeing it.

When he forgets to call the doctor, doesn't understand, is 'great' with the children, takes the bank card, leaves the pram in the car, when you get frustrated and shout, when he is lovely to other people. All if it. It's all part of the abuse.

Womens aid are fantastic and they Ont push you to do anything you're not ready for