Can a mum leave the kids?

[pomegranatebear23]

I am considering leaving my husband, but this will mean me leaving the family home and my kids staying with their dad.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and he's disrespected me for most of that time. He's had lots of online sexual encounters with women (nothing physical) that have really upset me and he just doesn't seem to care about me.
I have been on maternity leave and I've been really struggling. I found out late in pregnancy that he was still paying online sex workers for sexual content/conversations, and exchanging sexual videos and pictures with an ex of his who has now moved to another country and it really ruined the end of the experience and the time with my baby. I've struggled with depression and my bulimia has resurfaced. I've also self-harmed a few times. I struggle being trapped in the house with the baby. I don't drive, only get SMP at the moment so don't have much money of my own, and don't have friends or family in the day time. I'm finding it so hard.
My husband has been completely unconcerned and won't help me.
I know that it isn't my husband's duty to take care of me because I'm an adult and my issues are my own to get help for and I know that he has to work so I am not saying he should be solving all my problems for me or take time off work to help me with the baby, but it's really upset me that he hasn't shown any interest in helping me get better. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be researching and trying to help him to get better. I've had family go through mental health problems and I've phoned the GP for them, taking them to appointments, but my husband doesn't want to do this, even though he is more able to do the 8 am dash to the phone than I am (baby often feeds at this time whereas he's on his way to work and could call on the car).
He did call the docs once but then when my work called and said that day would be good for a KIT day, to go into work and rearrange the appt because we needed the money for Xmas. I asked him to rearrange while I was in work for me because I couldn't access the phone and he said he would but I then got a message saying I'd be kicked out of my GP surgery for missing appts if I missed one more. When I brought it up, he told me it was my issue, he's done his bit booking the initial one, and I should have sorted it.
I feel like he gaslights me all the time when I say I have an issue with things like him taking the pram to work instead of getting it out (this happens a lot and stops me from being able to leave the house) or taking the bank card to work with him so I have no money in the day and can't get the tram/bus anywhere. When we talk, he makes out he doesn't understand or brings up things he did for me years ago, like when he phoned the docs for me in 2016, and it just gets me so angry and him, too. He's broken my laptop and my phone in the past few weeks. We are rowing and I don't want the kids around it but he's refusing to leave because he's saying I have issues and it isn't his job to help me. So my question is: can I leave and the kids stay with him until I get sorted somewhere away from him and get myself right? Or does that make me a terrible mother? He is an excellent dad to them and doesn't get anywhere near as stressed as I do. I think I'm a disappointment to him that I haven't done very well with this baby.

Womens aid will find you a refuge place where you can go with all the kids. They will give you emotional and practical support and help you to recognise that you have been living with serious domestic abuse. If you are married you can get an occupation order to have him removed from the family home so you can occupy it with the kids and an injunction to prevent him contacting you. Then he would need to go to court to have contact with the kids.
If you don't want to go down this route you can, after some time in the refuge, apply as homeless anywhere in the country and you will be housed as a priority need. I would suggest as far away from him as possible. Once you have your own home you can pursue divorce and child maintenance. It's not easy but you will have support from womens aid and recover your strength and self esteem. He isn't a good dad, it's just your standards are so terribly low due to your own experiences. You cab do this. Pick up the phone and call womens aid.

Can you go to a refuge with the kids?

They would help and advise you there.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KIDS.

take this from someone who's been there. I left mine for all of 1 day whilst I sorted out my new house and he was supposed to return them the next day. Instead he ran off with them and tried to claim I was crazy/abusive etc. These men will stop at nothing. You need to be clever here. I did get my kids back eventually but it was a harrowing and lengthy court process that has scarred my kids, all because my ex couldn't stand being stood up to.

Your husband IS ABUSIVE. You are not the problem here. Not in any way. Get hold of a local women's dv charity and they can guide you. I think it's gonna take you a while to see the whole picture here, but please trust all of us here replying to you that your husband is a very dangerous man, he could easily escalate.

Also get your self to the Dr's ASAP and tell them what's going on. Have this on record. You may need it later on and they can also give you information for help in your local area.

If your dad didn't treat you nicely growing up then that is probably the root of your depression and bulimia and other issues. It leaves you vulnerable and with low self esteem, perfect prey for men like your husband. He probably love bombed and treated you well to start with. He is ale to behave appropriately outside of the home so he chooses to behave abusively inside the home.

As PP have said talk to women's Aid,look into moving into a refuge with your children. You may well find that many of your challenges disappear when away from him.

Your husband is not a good dad ashe is physically, financially and emotionally abusing their mother,leaving you in a state where you are constantly on high alert and stressed which man's your patience wears thin much quicker than someone who sent in that situation (like your husband).

Plan for today:
Contact the Dr's and talk to them about everything that is going on and get additional support for any medical issues .
Contact women's aid and find out your options.

Contact the bank and open an account in your name so you have access to money, go paperless with the statements.

Start getting important documents put away somewhere safe and put any other valuables of yours out of the way.

Pack a grab bag with essentials in it, spare chargers, change of clothes, toiletries, I have one of these packed all times in case of unexpected hospital admission so in the unlikely chance of him noticing just say that's what it's for.

He doesn't actually want to be left on his own to do everything you currently do but he has got you thinking you are useless and he is wonderful. The opposite is actually true. Complete strangers can see this from a few sentences.
You do need to see your GP to get some help with your health.
You probably need some support to get yourself and your children safely away from this man.
But you can do this and go on to create a happy and healthy home for your family.

He's not a great Dad when he treats their mother like this.

Ah Bluelightbaby I am in your boat. It is devastating and it never seems to get any easier 😔

This is EXACTLY it.

WA won't take action, they will support you to leave an abusive relationship. Staying will be more damaging longer term to you and them.

I'm sorry you've been through this, it's heartbreaking after everything you went to to end up with this. I hope your eldest gets back in contact one day.

The woman I know who did this in very similar circumstances to you OP had the same thing happen. She lost her boys to her abusive Ex who made them think she was the horrible one. She sees the younger one semi regularly, but the older one won't even speak to her. She regrets leaving them with him deeply. A little other point also OP, he's not a good Dad, good Dad's don't abuse their children's Mum. Another single mum I know couldn't fight him anymore and her ex got 50/50 which he's used to emotionally abuse his kids and alienate them from her.

The hurt he does to you hurts your DC. Also if you're not around he may well take his moods out on the kids ot7 like my ex blame you for everything and expect DC to say nasty things about and.too you . I wouldn't trust a man like this to keep my DC safe. If you have to go into a refuge to keep your children with you then do it that way.