Ghosted?

[EllaJ21]

I've been seeing a guy for over a year now and in recent months things have been on and off. However, we still spoke regularly and have been working things out - we live a couple of hours apart and have been working through a plan on that. Over the past few weeks he has started to suddenly go distant and I now haven't heard from him since boxing Day (he went to his family for Xmas and I went to mine). I've messaged and called him but have had no response. I'm really confused as he's never been like this before and I don't know what I've suddenly done wrong. We said before Xmas that we'd arrange to see each other the following week but nothing. I feel like I'm going a bit crazy overplaying everything in my head trying to find and answer and I'm worried that maybe he's just decided to ghost me but I have absolutely no idea why. I don't want to message him or call again as he clearly doesn't want to speak to me but I'm really upset about it. I really don't know what to do? I know I should probably take silence as an answer but it's really hard.

He’s an absolute arse. I’m so sorry 💐

Ouch .
Do you have any mutual contacts who can just confirm he's still alive ?
Then once that's confirmed I'm afraid yes it's time to start healing.

Unless something bad has happened to him then it's a really really shitty thing for him to do after a bloody year .

Don't message him as he could find some way to communicate if he wanted to. I think after a year then he should afford you the courtesy of knowing where you stand. He hasn't and it shows you how he deals with relationships that are not working out. Rather than looking at what you did wrong, turn this around and see what he did wrong. It takes a cold sort of person to dump someone silently over Xmas. Do you really want to be having a future with such a flaky person? Move on, and know that you did nothing wrong. Ghosters tend to have form at ghosting and terminate all friendships and partnerships this way. Delete his number, block his social media and ignore him when he eventually crawls from under that stone (they usually do). You deserve better, so just tell yourself that.

It has crossed my mind that something could have happened to him but his friends and family know who I am so I'm assuming someone would have let me know. I'm reluctant to reach out to his friends as I don't know them very well and don't want to come across as clingy. Although the rational side of me says that checking he's alive is a normal thing to do. One of the messages I sent him said that I was worried about him as the messages are delivered but not read and could he just let me know he's ok please, but nothing 😔

When I've been ghosted I go through imaginary conversations in my head and that makes me feel better!!! Not imagining what ifs, but I imagine he calls or texts and he says... As to why he has broken up with me. And then I do it again for another option of what he might say and then when I've done enough it's like I've had the conversation, but without him!

The other thing, is that this is a really shitty and hurtful thing he is doing, no matter what his reasons and so if you can allow the hurt to be there. This is potentially a big wound he is inflicting on you and allowing the injury to be what it is might help?

What a shitty thing
yeah he probably has ghosted (and id
love to be wrong )

b0zza1 says right, this is hurtful

there are some very good messages online drafted to send to ghosters

you could send one for your own completion and delete him afterwards ?

I hope he's ok.

If he is it's a really really shitty thing to do.

Please don’t blame yourself and say that you’ve done something wrong. Sadly, some people are just cowards and/or arses. That’s separate from you and just who they are. You know you’ve been truthful and honest - unfortunately the same can’t be said for him. Sending you hugs xx you deserve better

Usually when they go quiet it means they have no balls to end the relationship with the respect you deserve. It is not nice to be on the receiving end - I would n't torture yourself with getting in touch with him

It’s certainly not you OP. If he wanted to respond he would. I’m sure he’ll reappear just when you’re starting to feel better.

As hard as it is, I’d draw a line under him. It’s a cruel thing to do and you deserve better.

It’s bad enough to be ghosted after a few weeks but a year - that’s pathetic and cowardly.

Just a text to say they’re not feeling it anymore would take 10 seconds and give closure.

It’s pretty sad that grown adults behave this way.

I am sorry this has happened. if a guy wants to be in contact with you, then he will. If he's not making contact, then sadly, he's s moved on. You need to move on, too. Leave with your dignity intact and let it go.
He's a coward if he's walked away.

You deserve better. Good luck.

Thank you all for your responses and advice. Really appreciate it. Still nothing from him and feeling so confused and heartbroken but probably just need to draw a line under it as a lot of you suggest.

This is so hard after a year. I hope you get some answer, even if it’s just so you know he’s not come to any harm.

You haven’t done anything wrong. He has. That’s not a fair way to treat a person who he is supposed to care about. Take one day at a time and think about what you need.

Typical cowardly behaviour. How hard is it to just text and say 'sorry this isn't working' or whatever. He's just hoping you will go away. A complete arse.

I would now block and delete his number and move on.

There is no point in trying to contact him any longer. He's pathetic. What kind of adult person thinks this is ok? You've had a lucky escape, but it's very rude of him. If he does contact you I'd simply ignore him now.

He broke up with you but can't deal with the hassle of talking about it. Move on and forget him because he clearly doesn't even have the respect to talk you to end it like a man, he is a coward and took the easy way out.
Was it you? Maybe if he knows you will create drama or flip out or beg him he can't be arsed dealing with it all but if you are a calm person then it is on him being cowardly.
There is probably someone else that is distracting him right now, old or new love interest and that is giving him the strength to cut you off, he put you in a 'done and burried' box in his mind.

Block him everywhere and focus on improving your appearance, health and money.

God, what a tosser.

I know the popular opinion is to delete and block, don't give them another minute of your time, etc, and of course each to their own. But I personally hate this advice. When men (or women) do this, their plan is to slink away, seemingly undetected, to face nothing and hope you never contact them again – and I always think, well fuck that, why give them exactly what they are hoping for. I always suggest a damningly worded message to let them know exactly what scum they are. Because no one really goes away and doesn't 'waste another minute' of their time – you are upset, understandably so, so the time is wasted anyway. You don't have to swallow your feeling and allow them to escape into the silence that they hoped for. Make it noisy for them.

Didimum

hear hear
i get the logic of what pp say , it’s preserves dignity etc

but I also agree that it’s hurtful painful and people have a right to say that to the ghoster
and express their pain

fuck them

Exactly. And why is it 'dignified' to not let your feeling be known any way? Is it somehow humiliating to be clear that you have a heart and essentially say 'I deserve more than ghosting. Your way of ending a relationship is cowardly and hurtful. I will not be responding to you in the future.'

If you get a response (unlikely), then don't reply.

Last year someone I worked with and had considered a friend did an absolute number on me
I tried to keep quiet and 'keep my dignity' , ppl say they will just laugh if you kick off or get some kick out of it, but I then absolutely lost it a few months later and told him exactly what I thought about him
I heard through the grapevine soon after that he'd suddenly become 'depressed' for some reason .
He utterly deserved the dressing down I gave him and I know it will have hurt but not as much as he'd hurt me .

This is what I want to do tbh but not sure what to say. It's a fine line between getting my point across or coming across as desperate. Had he just said he wasn't feeling it I would have been devastated of course but ultimately, fine. it's the silence that's killing me.

I sent a thank you card to the guy who did that - wrote thanks for not wasting anymore of my time and form showing what a spineless idiot he was before we got even more serious, I was young at the time don't think I would now!