Could someone give me some advice please?

[ohfourfoxache]

DH and I have been together for 23 years

2 Dc + antidepressants have put me from a size 10/12 (late teens) to a size 20 (40’s)

We’ve had sex 5 times in 6 years (since birth of DC2)

I’ve always, always felt unattractive

Told me yesterday that nothing happens because “you used to be tiny”

Am I completely out of order here? I don’t necessarily want sex (probably because of the depression) but I miss intimacy

Atm even if I could shift my lard I’m not sure I’d ever want to be intimate again

Need your thoughts please

Am I completely out of order here

About what? You've told us the situation and something that he said. How can you be out of order?

OK - my thoughts:
if he needs you to be 'tiny' to want to be intimate with you - he can go to fuck.

He's a very shallow man (I use that term politely) and you deserve better. My exh is an ex for a reason.

I wouldn't want to be intimate with that again either.

He does have previous for next sleeping with me because I hadn’t shaved my legs 😳

I guess I’m asking whether I’m out of order not being “tiny” anymore. Am I just not putting in sufficient effort?

@alterego2 is size 20 just too big to be attractive?

I think a lot of us can identify with you. The thing is that if you do lose weight and get fit, you'll feel so much better. You'll also then be in a position of strength and can decide whether you want to stay together.

So I would advise you to really go for it with losing weight, but do it for yourself and your own mental health.

Apologies. I’m hurt. And upset. But I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable

He’s changed A LOT. But I love him. Which, for me, is more relevant than sexual attraction

Am I just not putting in sufficient effort

Why do you think you're here, on the planet? What are you for? Were you put here to ensure that this one man has a thin partner available to him? If not, why would you need to make any effort towards that goal?

What effort does he make towards you getting what you want? Can you tell us a few things he's done lately to increase the intimacy between you?

@MILTOBE thats how I feel at the moment. I’m desperate to lose weight, even considering coming off ADs after 15 years and huge amount of therapy (which is a huge deal)

I want to be different. In every conceivable way. But at the same time I don’t want him to think I’m doing it just to bed him

@Watchkeys not much tbh. He’s always been a drinker - 10 units a night? And he has no intention of reducing. And yes, it has a big impact on his weight

Its never bothered me because I love him

Well, I am not my exH so in my head: no. But in his head, a size 14 was ... mmm ... not sexy - so I can't answer your question from your husband's pov.

But I would say that if your husband cannot love you for YOU - who you are not what you are - you should look to leave the relationship. Because your self esteem will not get better - it will go down the pan. And that is so important

But at the same time I don’t want him to think I’m doing it just to bed him

Tell him then.

What do you love about him?

Oh and the bit about not having sex cos you hadn't shave your legs - tell him to fuck right off. Too much porn methinks

A size 20 isn't too big to be attractive in general, but it might not be what your DH finds physically attractive. It might sound harsh (and I genuinely don't mean it to!) your DH should be attracted to you as a person, but the physical side can be really important too. If you were together when you were smaller, he found you attractive obviously. He may not find your current physique as attractive even if he's attracted to you as a person.

I'm the first to admit I'm physically attracted to my DH, but when he put on a lot of weight - not so much. I still absolutely loved him as a person, but that physical look does matter too. I'm sure he'd say the same about me - I put on weight at one point, although I'm still the same inside I wasn't my best self on the outside.

You're not meant to be the same size in your 40s as your teens! But he's not wrong for finding you attractive at certain times. I just think it's probably linked into many other things, lack of intimacy, depression, life with DC etc. If there's other issues in the relationship this might just be an easy out for him to not have to delve into anything! If you want to change though, it's best for you to do it for yourself.

The way I'd look at it is that he could think whatever he wanted. It doesn't make it real.

Make the most of him being there by joining a gym and going regularly. Go to Slimming World if you want company as you lose weight. Go for long walks and he can stay in and mind the children. Get your ducks in a row. When you're in a good place, mentally and physically, make the decision.

And what size waist is this paragon, pray tell?
And does he come to bed freshly shaven and moisturised?

No? I didn’t think so.

The type of man who would say that to you doesn’t occupy his time with such civilised pursuits.

No, he stopped shaving when Dc1 was a baby. Saves him time and it really doesn’t matter to me

Oh OP, I’m sorry, what an awful thing for him to say. YADNBU.

In all honesty, I wouldn’t find my DP attractive if he put on a substantial amount of weight and he wouldn’t find me attractive either. BUT we would both expect any conversation about it to be gentle, supportive, and focussed on the impact on our health, and absolutely not linking it to the amount of intimacy we have. That is where I think yours crossed a line.

In your shoes, I’d be really focussing all my efforts on finding a regular exercise routine that can be stuck to and enjoyed (I realise that’s far easier said than done when you’re suffering from depression) but I’d prioritise it as much as possible, for the mood-boosting benefits as much as the weight loss. But I would absolutely do that for your own sake and not his. Tbh I really don’t think I could ever sleep with someone again who put terms on it like my dress size!

I wonder what else saves him time…

And the waist size?
Fresh haircut minimum of at least every 6 weeks?

That’s exactly how I feel - I NEED to do something about my MH because tbh the ADs just aren’t cutting it. And I can’t bear the thought of more talking therapy because of the side effects

So I want to do something anyway

But the thought that this could be connected to intimacy makes me feel a bit sick

I’ve cut his hair for 22 years

He only has a buzz cut and won’t pay to go to the barber

Shower everyday, otherwise reasonably groomed

I can’t emphasise enough that it really doesn’t matter what he looks like. I love him.

And he’s the only one who ever looked at me twice

I’m not delusional, I’m no oil painting. But my brain is in reasonable working order

I feel for you, OP. It’s very hard to cope with rejection. Have and DH you considered couples counselling?
You’ve been on antidepressants for years — do they help ? Might therapy help you get to the root of your unhappiness, and/or help you work on ways of finding happiness or contentment? If your wright upsets you, for your own health and well-being, feeling better in yourself could help you stop comfort-eating and motivate you to take healthy exercise.

I hope you can find happiness in yourself.

It’s very interesting that someone who doesn’t even take responsibility for a decent haircut thinks he can tell YOU your legs are unshaven.

He’s spoilt rotten. Who does he think he is? Do you think he’s a perfectly coifed specimen of male perfection? This type of behaviour needs to be corrected and sharply and quickly.

Entitled abusive little turd.

I think just what he's said is disgusting! However, I've been on a cocktail of various different antidepressants and mood stabilers for the past 26 years, and the heaviest I've been is 11st. Healthy eating and regular visits to the gym get me back down to 9st. I'm 5'6" and have 2 kids for context.

Saying that, losing weight and getting healthy should be done for you, though, and not your twat of a DH.

Maybe speak to your GP about trying a different AD.

Childish, but I would be very tempted to lose some weight and then dump his sorry arse!