Could someone give me some advice please?

[ohfourfoxache]

DH and I have been together for 23 years

2 Dc + antidepressants have put me from a size 10/12 (late teens) to a size 20 (40’s)

We’ve had sex 5 times in 6 years (since birth of DC2)

I’ve always, always felt unattractive

Told me yesterday that nothing happens because “you used to be tiny”

Am I completely out of order here? I don’t necessarily want sex (probably because of the depression) but I miss intimacy

Atm even if I could shift my lard I’m not sure I’d ever want to be intimate again

Need your thoughts please

When I love someone, l love them. Even if they wear bigger pants. This as a reason for not sleeping with you is bullshit.

@Areyouthereorhere what a great post.

@Areyouthereorhere wonderful words.

There is every chance that if you rid yourself of this bloke your depression will improve significantly.

Please, do not consider entering into couples counselling, it is not recommended where there is bullying/abuse present - and this bloke is bullying towards you.

If you are going to make changes - please make them for you, not him.

What does he bring to you and your relationship? It seems you give a lot, he gives very little.
He does a bit of laundry? Make yourself get off the sofa and put one load in, step-by-step…
He ‘puts up with you’? Just no!!!

Would you encourage a daughter to search for and remain in a relationship like this?
So start making some changes - for you - one small choice/action at a time….ants take millions of tiny steps and achieve big things.

Please contact Women’s Aid and do one of their courses to help you think about you and relationships.

And please don’t use excuses such as ‘I’m lucky he puts up with me…it’s my past…’ There is nobody in this world who can do this for you (that’s life), so start taking some tiny little steps with different choices - for you - and start to feel the difference in you.

Let us know how you get on, we’d love to hear and cheerlead!

@ohfourfoxache I suspect he's an alcoholic?

@Areyouthereorhere thank you so much. Your post makes such complete sense, I really can’t thank you enough for your wisdom which has given me a new perspective

We’ve had a busy weekend, out both days. Saturday was with joint friends, I drove so that he could have a drink (he hasn’t seen “his” friend for about 2 years)

Then out yesterday with my family for a celebration. He wanted to walk so that we could both drink, but it would have been very difficult for DC2 to walk anywhere near that distance. Really hoped he would offer so that I could celebrate with a glass or 2, but because I’d previously agreed to drive he didn’t even offer

Spoke to my mum who said that 1- affection DOES drop off after many years (apparently even just little touches), and 2- I’d never cope with the DC if we got divorced

For perspective, I was also told that we would never cope with having cats 16 years ago 🤔

I don’t know why I expected anything different (from dh or mum) but I’m oscillating between “fuck them I’ll show them” and “oh shit they’re right” 😞