Life after emotional abuse

[justfindingmyway]

Hi lovely people,

hoping you might be able to inspire me with some of your stories as it would be lovely to hear and incredibly motivating for me.

Has anyone left an abusive relationship that left them very traumatised (whilst living with said abuser) and, if so, have you any advice for accepting what happened to you and moving on?

also, does anyone have any stories they could share about finally meeting a good man? How did you meet? And what does this healthy relationship look like? I need to believe they’re out there to help me out of this vicious cycle.

I’ve posted here before, still in the cycle of abuse but trying To be gentle with Myself right now as my ‘go to’ mental reaction is to chastise myself for still being here.

thanks so much

x

Firstly well done for recognising the situation you're in and what you need to do. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and felt utterly trapped. He really made me feel like everything was my fault.
I was scared to leave, scared to tell him I was leaving and scared of being on my own.
I overcame these fears by attending counselling (alone) and talking to a couple of trusted friends. Leaving him was actually not as bad as I feared. And the freedom I felt was incredible.
I spent a couple of years being single and then a year going on bad dates 😊. Then met the love of my life and we've been together very happily for 15 years. He is the most kind, caring and generous person, would never criticise me or put me down, start arguments for the sake of it.
You deserve so much more than you're getting, you only have one life. I would suggest counselling as a first step.
Good luck!

Ahh a fab story, thank you for sharing it with me. I am glad to hear you are happy. Did you own a house with your abuser? I really am caught in a cycle! Some days I feel strong enough to leave, over the last few days I allowed myself to dream that couples therapy may help (I’ve done some reading since, and understand therapy can harm the victim further). We’re engaged, you see, so my hopes of wearing the dress my mum bought me are shattered and it’s so heartbreaking for me, and her!! Do you mind if I ask what age you were when you ‘started over’? How did you meet your new partner? X

Couples therapy is definitely not recommended with an abusive partner. You need to be able to be very honest with your counsellor and yourself and you can't do that when you trying to 'fix' them too (also I don't think abusive people can be fixed).

I was 33 when I left my ex, met my current partner when I was 36. Happy endings are worth waiting for, don't sell yourself short.
Save your dress for someone who deserves you!

Oh wow, I’m 33, too! It just really helps to hear someone’s story who understands. Thank you for your wise words. And yes I have read this about therapy. That it’s for two people who want to work on the relationship, and that where there’s abuse it can take away from any small amount of power the victim has left because in therapy you’re both treated as equally culpable.

I can’t put him into a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ bucket, as he isn’t totally either. But I can’t stay with someone who makes me feel this way. I know this. My heart is just having a hard time tying up with my brain, my heart wants to believe he will change his moods

I can totally relate to that! Abusive people are often a mix of bad and good, if they were all bad no-one would be tempted to stay... and the urge to fix someone, to try and make them as good as they could be can be so strong.
But honestly the moment I stopped trying, that's when I started to feel free. And when I met my current partner, the relief of being with someone without an agenda, who just wanted the very best for me and had no moods or flaws - it was incredible.
You are only 33 you have plenty of time to meet someone phenomenal. Don't settle for any less 😊

hi @justfindingmyway

I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 13 years - in a relationship with him for 21 years between 20 - 41.

It was mainly emotional abuse - name calling, stonewalling, contempt, screaming etc but there was also physical abuse - smashing things, pushing/pinching and one or two occasions of punching. I honestly think the EA is as bad if not worse than the violence. It’s so lonely to be screamed at, called names, to be upset and to have no empathy shown towards you.

I ended the marriage in November 2022 after the year from hell - me and the DC constantly on eggshells as his rages became more and more frequent. The catalyst for me was two fold - I went away for a work trip for 2 weeks and got some space from him. I didn’t miss him at all and dreaded coming home.

On the trip I met up with a high school boyfriend (extremely innocent - holding hands and kissing for 3 weeks type boyfriend) who I hadn’t seen for 24 years. He was so lovely, so warm and kind and looked at me with such fondness the contrast to my married life was very stark. There was definitely still a spark there but I was always very “hand to the plough” about my marriage and didn’t act on it. The next day I caught the Eurostar to London thinking I would never see the old flame again (we live on opposite sides of the world) and just sobbed and sobbed on the train about how bleak my married was.

Within 15 minutes of walking back in the door after a 30 hour flight my ex was screaming abuse at me in front of our two small children. At that point something in me snapped and I just thought - I am done. I ended it 4 days later and he went psycho. It has been extremely stressful but I never regretted my decision.

I am now in a relationship with Old Flame and it is like coming into a warm cosy house after being out in the snow. He is so wonderful, so loving, I cannot imagine ANY scenario where he would push me or punch me or call me names. He just totally loves me and I feel utterly safe and secure with him.

I know it seems unbelievable that we didn’t get together on that trip (and I’m sure my ex thinks I’m a cheating slag) but it feels
like that quote from the Alchemist “I love you because the entire universe conspired for me to find you”. I am still processing my abusive marriage - I find myself testing my boyfriend, if he is quiet I worry he is going to explode, I’m always monitoring his emotions after a lifetime of hyper vigilance and treading on eggshells - but I am getting better. Ex H always made me feel I was lacking, that I had to work to earn his love, that I was the cause of his anger … now I know none of that is true.

Logistically it is not easy with boyfriend as we live a long way apart but emotionally it is so easy. Even arguments are mild and quickly resolved and the repair is loving, we don’t end in smouldering ruins surrounded by smashed plates and me sobbing. Who knew relationships could be easy and happy and fun?

Life can be so happy @justfindingmyway

(I would be happier from ending my marriage just by myself with my DC just to be clear! - DP is the icing on the cake)

Thank you for sharing your story.

Sorry to hear you went through all of this. It is so hard to get your head around why anyone would behave like this towards someone else. Experiences like this are far too common, but I still struggle to comprehend how a person can have no remorse for their actions or even take accountability for them.

It is great that you found the strength to leave, as it can be so hard to see the wood through the trees, can't it? At least, I find myself with real 'brain fog' lately, which is perhaps due to feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I read the accounts of other women and feel the realisation over my head, but then the next day, I get the 'caring' side and think maybe it can work out here, when perhaps it isn't genuine care at all. How can it be?

I completely understand what you felt about dreading coming home. No wonder the comparison between your old flame and current partner came up. We are only human; I often find myself watching a show with real life partners who NEVER yell at the other, NEVER pull them down to 'win', NEVER deflect the other person's feelings, and who take accountability for hurting their partners, even when unintentional. I am at a stage where I am frightened that this doesn't really exist, and could jump from the frying pan to the flame, so to speak.

So glad to hear you have met a kind and caring partner now. I can imagine why this brings up massive confusion at times, especially after such a long time of experiencing horrid mistreatment.

I find myself confused because of the lack of the physical side. What I am struggling with is:

• unpredictable moods, and when I try to understand, or find out what he needs, he shuts me down and usually becomes nasty towards me.
• When I bring up something he deems as criticism (basically any attempt to make the relationship more equal and fair, especially from a domestic labour standpoint), it usually escalates into him shouting and swearing, which I have asked him not to do. It may sound silly, but I almost block these situations out, so then I think I minimise them as once the moment has passed, I forget how bad they made me feel
• I've experienced him driving fast with me in the vehicle in the past, when he's angry about something. I think he must want to make me feel uncomfortable. I brought it up at the time and said please stop, but it made him worse, so in the end I sat silently but my heart was in my mouth. I was more scared about the energy in the vehicle than I was about him crashing.
• The deflection. I admit, over the last year, a couple of times I have become the shouter, to then be met with 'see!? it is YOU who is abusive' etc. I cannot excuse my own behaviours, but I can try to understand them, and I think it has now come to a place where I am trying to stand up for myself. Desperate for him to realise he cannot disrespect me. Needless to say, it made things worse.
• The things he has said to me in arguments. I guess it may be unrealistic to expect someone to never say things they do not mean? But he ONLY apologises when he thinks I'll leave. The one that I cannot forget, i'd paid for us to go to Snowdonia for a few days, and we had an argument over the fact that I did not want to commence building works on our house as we were getting married in the same year (I'd paid for all of the wedding costs, and he was annoyed because he wanted me to pay for half of said works even though I wanted to postpone these until after the wedding). It resulted in him saying if I was better with money, I could afford both. But for me, the worst thing was that he said 'you had f* all before you met me'. This one felt like an eye-opener, not only because of what he said, but because when I questioned this after, he said he didn't mean it how I took it, he meant that I should look at the life we've built together and that I couldn't have done it without him. This one has stuck with me; I have a career of my own that I've worked hard for, on my own and off my own steam. If he thinks he can say things like this to me now, what would he be saying/doing if I didn't earn what I earn now? I wonder whether my worth to him is based on being the house keeper but also paying half for everything, even though he earns more (which he brags about when it suits him, but when it doesn't, he says he's self-employed and pays himself less than my salary, so technically earns less.
• He also once said he feels like a 'simp'. Now, I am not fully clear on the intent of this, and afterwards he said he didn't know what it meant. But my worry is, that it is a misogynistic view that you are a lesser, weaker man if you treat a lady well??

Anyway, sorry I have completely let this all out on this post! Phew, I needed that. I guess I feel I am going a little crazy, and wish I had a fly on the wall. I do not have much support around me, except my mum, but I do not think she understands. She empathises with him and says maybe he has troubles of his own, and perhaps if I didn't react, it would simmer down.

I don't know when I snap, but right now, I just need some hope and belief that there is better out there. I know I ought to feel happy alone, but I am not there, and I just want to understand whether there are good men out there, who wouldn't want to treat me this way.

Thank you again for sharing x

my God @justfindingmyway this is all so familiar, I could have written it myself , down to the “you had nothing” and my mother being an apologist for him.

I’ve worked my arse off too and in fact we do the same job (senior lawyers) - my career pulled level with his in the last 2 years of our marriage (despite me being 4 years younger and us having 2 kids that he did almost no parenting of) - and since we broke up I’ve overtaken him.

He sounds awful. Do you have kids? If not get out before you have any. I utterly love my kids and I don’t regret them for a second but I can’t break free of him because we have to “co parent” (he has them every second weekend).

Life as a single parent is much easier than life with an abusive psycho.

There are good men out there (and being alone in a calm happy house is also great).

When I opened up to my friends about my marriage, about how we fought, the name calling etc they were horrified. Everyone thinks “oh everyone fights with their husband” but it turns out other people’s fights were terse remarks about the laundry not being hung out followed by a joke and a hug and a kiss half an hour later … not screaming abuse, plates being smashed, children terrified, stonewalling, hours of vicious abusive texts, days of silence and no apology, ever.

This is all so familiar. My STBXH became abusive after about 20years of marriage and it escalated over a few years from emotional abuse to a sexual assault. I left last year, and didn't feel an immediate sense of freedom as I have seen others write about. Instead I was absolutely crushed and felt as though I had had a major bereavement. We are now a year on and I feel more in control of my life. I still find it hard to see a future, but I feel better for being able to make decisions for myself without fear of criticism or attach.
@Endoftheroad12345 - interesting that your career has accelerated since the split. Mine has too.

Do not waste your precious 30s with an abusive man and don't even think about going to couple counselling with him.
I left a long term abusive relationship a year ago. It was awful and still is difficult but I know it was the right thing to do.

Hiya, thank you for replying!!

Please take this the right way as I do NOT wish this on someone else in ANY way, but I am glad to hear this resonates with something because it makes me feel heard and seen!

I love my mum to the ends of the earth, so much so that I mother her more than she mothers me, in many ways. But it clouds my vision so much. My relationship with my dad has always been dysfunctional and poor, but I so wish I'd had the kind of father who modelled what a good man is. Maybe I'd have better self esteem to never accept this, but here I am!

Nooo, no, no. At this stage, I know I will not allow myself to have children with him. I hope I never have my mind changed, but right now, as RIDICULOUS as that sounds, I do not fully trust myself to make the right decisions. It is almost like I am the one with a split personality sometimes; some days I feel strong and know I NEED to leave, other days I think, well what if I regret it? What if I encounter worse, either alone or with another man?

You are superwoman. I have worked with lawyers and I know how hard you have to work to get ahead, the hours in the industry seem pretty ruthless at times! What a huge achievement and how admirable to carry this job AND singlehandedly parent your kids the majority of the time. If you ever need a chat, my inbox (I assume mumsnet has a chat function!?) is always open.

Please, tell me not all relationships with men are like this!!! He's turning me very cynical.

Did you try this with your ex partner? What if they show willingness to understand and change? Is it all a lie? It is so so confusing! I should get a grip, but I am frightened of winding up alone and bitter also. I know, I probably need a good shake for saying this. Alone and in peace is surely better than this.

So sorry to hear you have suffered. Please do reach out if you need a friendly ear.

I can fully understand this. It is horrid to be in the situation but if you're like me, it doesn't mean you stop the love straight away (or is it attachment!?!?!)

The old saying that time is a healer is something I believe to be true. And finding yourself and learning to be happy and content with who you are, to me is the pinnacle of existence. That way, hopefully you'll only let someone in who embellishes your already enriched life x

Oh yes, this.

I wish it was more openly spoken about. I don't have a huge support around me, so find it really hard to get any perspective. Mumsnet has helped me recently in all the ways I've needed, so thank you for replying!!!!

You're only 33. You won't end up alone. You're in the prime of your life.
No I definitely didn't go to counselling with him. I knew not to. He would have used it as a further opportunity to gaslight me, which is exactly why you shouldn't do it. In what way is he showing willingness to change? Has he found a therapist himself and booked a course, for instance? If you stay with an abusive man, I guarantee that you will end up worse than alone and most definitely bitter.

Hi there.
Counseklling really helped me understand how much he'd got in my head and made me believe I was worthless and to blame- turns out neither of those things are true but my counsellor helped me
Realise!
I made a list of qualities I have and that the man I date has to have too and banned myself from being forgiving because of their rubbish childhood or thinking 'it'll be better when..' only going to date men who can meet my needs and have their shit together right now. I follow a lot of narcissistic abuse content on social media which is a good reminder of red flags but you need to make your own green flags too
I have been on one date which a guy who seems absolutely lovely and kind and it's been a slow burner but I'm hopeful now that even if it doesn't work out with him there are decent men out there

I mean personal counselling - not with him

Regarding recovery:

1. Be kind to yourself. This can take many forms. It may include daily positive affirmations, treating yourself to your favorite things, making sure you get plenty of sleep and eat healthily, a style revamp or sunshine holiday.
2. Learn all you can about how to spot abusers (and refresh your knowledge throughout your life from time to time).
3. Do not date at all for at least 18 months. Seriously. Other men are not relevant until you are recovered and are not looking for a man to be a splint or a bandage. And until you've studied up considerably on how spot abuse early on.
4. Repeat step one.

Other things that helped me personally were kicking unhealthy lifestyles that being with this person had promoted. Giving up smoking for example.

It might also be worthwhile, if you feel you've lost your sense of self, taking some sort of voyage of discovery such as a group adventure holiday. Something that will keep your hands busy, your head occupied and challenge you to do things that if you succeed in, will boost your confidence.
Even something like solo travel to a new city with a packed itinerary could also do the trick.

Also, stay off social media. Deactivate your accounts if you are tempted to snoop on his pages. It also helps to step away from it so you can't get caught in some negative spiral seeing other people living their 'best life'.

I'm 2 years out of a 15 year abusive relationship.

I still feel like I'm not free of him because he lets the DC down constantly and still plays mind games with me.

I felt ready for another relationship and I tried OLD because my friends told me harmless flirting would make me feel better. I had no response. Ex found me on the sites and went mental about it which was a big setback to my recovery.

I feel better in myself. I gained confidence. I look different and I landed a new career where I wanted to be. My current issue is that I want to meet someone new and for something to grow organically. I might meet men who show me some kindness and find myself developing school girl crushes on them. Which is ridiculous at my age but that's the stage I'm at in this. I'm 46.

Good luck OP. I'm with everyone who says time is a healer.

I've been there and if I'm honest, am still somewhat in it and those in my life were sick of hearing about him so I also find Mumsnet good for perspective.

The main two pieces of advice I would give is counselling and journalling. Write down everything you can, you can even pretend you would be sending them to him if that helps. Mine tried to also say he would change and he has somewhat so I have been believing him but (as people said he would) he then went back to his old ways and it actually feels worse the second/third time to have hope dashed because you're even more attached.

It's attachment, maybe trauma bond, but it's not love like love should feel. Someone said to me on Mumsnet 'love doesn't hurt like this' so hopefully those words help you.

Feel free to reach out anytime and good luck with it. You're only 33, I promise you'll have lovely people in your future x

oh yes, practical things I did

• therapy (not with him) - really helped just to talk and have my feelings validated. They had been dismissed for so long, not just by him but by my mum too.
• Dramatically cut down drinking. I still drink but exH drank 5 nights a week, 6+ beers a session. I’ll only drink if I’m socialising (out for dinner which is rare or people over) - so once a week, 1-2 drinks tops.
• Completely quit smoking. I was never a big smoker but exH did and I would sometimes join him. I’ve never touched a cigarette since we split - never even thought about one.
• career coaching - similar to therapy really but in a work context. I realised I had a lot of self limiting beliefs and issues setting boundaries at work which are all related to spending my formative years 20-40 with him negging and undermining me.
• No dating. A bit different for me as I already knew DP so was not looking and I had known him a long time and trusted him. I cannot imagine throwing myself into the jungle of OLD or even “normal” dating in my bruised and traumatised state. Agree with pp that a good year of recovery and therapy is a good idea. Be comfortable in your life and being single. I feel I’ve had the best of both worlds in this respect - my relationship is long distance so I have had to rebuild my life alone, but I have emotional support from DP.
• Travel - this is a very privileged one but over the last year I’ve been able to travel a lot (admittedly to see DP) but it’s also been part of rediscovering myself. We have had some great adventures in Europe, Asia and the states and it’s been an amazing way to step change my identity away from ex H. Very Eat Pray Love 😂

Thanks for responding. I know you are probably right. He appears to show concern for how I am feeling and says he doesn't want me to feel this way, that maybe he has some issues himself that he needs to work on and so he wants to go to the counselling. Maybe it is the person I am, but I am struggling to not want to give him the chance, to see what happens but try as far as possible to have my eyes wide open. Again, maybe I am foolish but I struggle to believe that someone really can just be 'bad', and am looking for a reason for the behaviours. How can someone WANT their partner to feel anxious and sometimes scared!!!! I have white hairs sprouting on my head so fast lately, even my eyebrows are going white!! Maybe it is just genetics but I worry that it is stress!!

This is all fab. Also, I've realised how many amazing people there are on MN to chat to and find counsel in, too!

Honestly, a good therapist can be so beneficial, can't they? I am having counselling of my own right now, and I am not really focussing on my current situation but instead I have asked for focus on:

• figuring out who I am as a person, what makes me tick
• what I need and want (as a pleaser of others, I often just go along with the others and have no idea what I want!
• How to set boundaries without feeling guilty or uncomfortable

I follow some pages on narcissism too, but it does cross my mind that it has become a huge buzz word and easy to call almost any man now a narcissist! Unless the vast majority really are!!

The last part is great, and it is really positive that you're in a place where you feel optimistic even if it doesn't workout with him. I hope the counselling is really helping you to know your worth and figure it out :)

I am pleased to hear you got yourself away from an abusive situation. It isn't easy and the blind siding can be paralysing, can't it?

I hope as your kids grow that he'll no longer have that hold over you. It must be really hard to have to have him in your life to some extent, and harder still to see your kids let down by him.

I hope you can continue to do the things that make you feel better in yourself. Career really can be an outlet can't it? Rightly or wrongly, it really helps me personally with my self worth; as someone with no children or pets, my work gives me a form of identity and self worth that I am really lacking right now.

Perhaps as you continue to focus and work on yourself, you can gain the self confidence needed to not feel reliant upon the validation of anyone else. I wonder if that is what you are seeking? Please, don't be harsh on yourself with where you are. You aren't alone in your vulnerabilities, and life isn't a fairytale in many ways, is it? At least, I am learning this for myself. I realise I will likely not be in a place to trust any man enough to have a family now. I am stuck between some days accepting this and being OK with it, other days I feel sad. But I also am trying to work on myself.

Thanks for your kind words and please know you are not alone xx