Life after emotional abuse

[justfindingmyway]

Hi lovely people,

hoping you might be able to inspire me with some of your stories as it would be lovely to hear and incredibly motivating for me.

Has anyone left an abusive relationship that left them very traumatised (whilst living with said abuser) and, if so, have you any advice for accepting what happened to you and moving on?

also, does anyone have any stories they could share about finally meeting a good man? How did you meet? And what does this healthy relationship look like? I need to believe they’re out there to help me out of this vicious cycle.

I’ve posted here before, still in the cycle of abuse but trying To be gentle with Myself right now as my ‘go to’ mental reaction is to chastise myself for still being here.

thanks so much

x

Thank you for your kind and helpful words :)

You are not alone, I am still in it too, I haven't left and have been 'frozen' emotionally for some time now. This is just where I am right now.

I am in a very similar situation. He has (I believe) listened to me to an extent as he doesn't want me to leave. By this I mean he walks away more, before his temper flares. I also have fears that it is all laying there dormant, waiting to come out and that perhaps when he feels he 'has' me again, that he can revert to his old ways as he has less fear that I'll leave????

I think you're right there and it could be a terribly unhealthy attachment. Put it this way, I am not sure what I 'admire' about him as a person, but I feel overwhelmed at the thought of not having him there in my life because of the times he dotes on me. This is probably really messed up, isn't it? I am sure people must be reading this and thinking, you idiot!

thank you, it means a lot, I've been feeling so low and isolated lately. No one around me really has the time or understands because he's so charming to them. My mum even said recently that maybe I feel worse about the way he is because my cycles are so irregular. Or that maybe I have anxiety. Maybe she is right, and she didn't mean to, but I feel sad and invalidated by that.

Thank you for these!!

I am really interested in the career coaching you mentioned!! Would you recommend the professional you went to?? Would you mind if I asked you the cost? This sounds like something that would really benefit me, too! I work in a very male dominated industry, and I do get walked over at times.

I think my work industry helps to drive my beliefs that I may never meet a decent man; it can be so misogynistic and I feel unless you're a stereotypically 'pretty woman' in the eyes of the male gaze, you are almost invisible, like your worth is based solely on your looks at times. I do not think I am unattractive necessarily, but I am really short and probably do not have the 'assets' that I feel men seek!!

Ohhhh I LOVE eat, pray, love. I also love to travel. What breaks my heart is if I get my own place and go life alone, my finances will not be in anywhere close to the same place. I would have disposable income, but my bills would become just on my head, I do worry what financial freedom I'd have left. I live close to London, so not really sure how much I'd need to earn to live a life where I could freely travel like I can now. I love this for you though, I want your life :)

I definitely believe that travel broadens the mind. I tried a bit with the kids and the ex but I realised I'm not Paltrow. Can't do the conscious uncoupling thing and so I took the kids away on my own after that. We went on a cruise. It was difficult at times but I did feel empowered afterwards. As in I'm OK on my own but yes I do still crave affection and validation.

I thought about counselling/therapy too. It's a strange one though. I have accepted what has happened to me and I know that everything I'm feeling is normal so I don't know what I want to achieve from therapy. I'm OK in my job but just got knocked back for a promotion which wasn't great I don't handle rejection very well so there's that and also I realise that every relationship I've ever had has been transactional and all of them would be considered problematic these days so sometimes I wonder if I'd need therapy to prepare for a normal relationship but perhaps I'm OK as I am and I'm just overthinking!

I get how you feel on the work front. I've felt invisible and been a victim of discrimination and it's not a healthy environment to work in but I don't know what the answer is. Professional careers counselling does sound like a good idea in your case.

It sounds like you’ve done some great things and nice to hear you can still enjoy those without a partner. I think I’d be happy to get to a point where I’m alone and happy, but would like to add to that happiness with a kind and caring partner. I think right now I’m just looking for validation from a partner and so I’m inadvertently overly pleasing I think out of a fear of abandonment if I’m not a ‘perfect’ partner.

I hear you as I’m a huge over thinker, too. I do now believe though that a GOOD therapist for you can be useful, even in less critical moments in life, should you be able to afford such a luxury.

i think regarding career, working on self esteem and worth is always helpful if you have doubts about yourself, imposter syndrome etc

Thanks @justfindingmyway I definitely feel like I'm making progress all the time. I kind of am alone and happy. The other side of the coin to the traveling thing is being happy at home. My house is tiny. But it's mine and it's my dream home in a perfect location so coming back to it and the fact that I built it up from nothing is huge for me. ( when I left my ex I returned to the UK with nothing but hand luggage)

But I do feel lonely sometimes. Before I make a decision on counselling I read a bit of self help stuff now and again. I saw an article the other day on manifestation. I Don't buy into it but was intrigued. One thing it said was visualise the relationship you want. So when I did that in my circumstances and decided I wouldn't compromise on anything I have realised I'm asking a lot! So, I'm in my forever home, I don't want any more children, I don't want an FWB and I don't want to be part of a blended family ( I've always hated having a step family) So perhaps I'm asking too much but I have elderly parents, not particularly supportive friends and a great but demanding job (in a caring type role) I think it's human nature to crave passion and affection.

So I earn not much above minimum wage. The imposter syndrome comes from the fact that when I chose this job as a career change because the industry I trained in rejected me when I returned to the UK I did agency work for ages and now have been offered a permanent position in what is a prestigious state of the art facility and I have moments at work when I feel like there's nowhere else I'd rather be, obviously not all the time but I've never had a job like that before. And I'm not even qualified for it!

So, I haven't chased the counselling. If I knew it would achieve something for sure I probably could budget and pay for a few sessions privately. I did look at Better help or other online based organisations but I'm scared of wasting my time and money and potentially opening a massive can of worms when I open up to someone new. I'm always worried about that.

But working on the self esteem and self worth is huge. And probably another reason to stay away from online dating for now and hopefully forever.

My husband often throws away my children’s toys and even damages them before throwing them away. The toys could all be put away but he will still go through them and trash them while the kids and I are at school. I always buy more and I tell the kids to keep their prized possessions at school in my office. I know his fits of rage are not normal but when he isn’t being totally ridiculous, the kids love him. He also says things like “lord if not me take my wife instead” or “I have a beautiful wife, I mine as well use her” and other things like that. He is super jealous and tries to be controlling by checking when I arrive at school to see if my drive is really as long as I say it is or if I am meeting someone before school (I am not and never have). Sometimes he accuses me of having a boyfriend at work (he has done this at every job I have been in). Well now he is jealous of my coworker who made me laugh and suddenly wants to have that 4th baby I wanted years ago. We tried and it seems I can’t carry full term so far… but right before the last miscarriage I thought “do I really want another baby with this man? He barely lifts a finger around the house and yet I work far away thus coming home later than and work more days a week than him. . . He is being lovey covey with me but I have the feeling it is only until I carry full term and bare a child. I don’t know do you think he is just using me to have another child or you think he actually suddenly realizes he loves me and is scared to lose me to some guy who made me laugh?

Prior poster, you'd be better off starting your own thread.

He wants a baby in order to make you too tired to leave. It's controlling.

He isn't capable of love.
I'm sorry that probably sounds completely alien to you. But men who destroy their children's toys and abuse their wives are not capable of love. It will never change. He is a psychopath.

Get out. Don't raise your children watching their mother being abused.

You say you work in a school. If a child came in and told you their father did this...you'd report it right? So why do you think your children don't deserve the same protection?

He is abusing them. If social services found out you stayed with this asshole, they'd probably, rightly, look to take your children away.

Leave him and show you do not condone his behaviour. Protect the kids from growing up in a household where their mother is abused. Thinking that shit is normal. Give them one safe home where they can escape him.

Even if he magically became a model person, wpuld you want to spend your whole life walking on eggshells? Scared he might turn back. And, how could you possibly forgive his cruelties just because he changed? He breaks your kids toys on purpose ffs!

He's evil.
Get out. Fast and far and never look back.

It wasn’t a partner, but I did go through abuse with my dad from age 10-16. We ultimately parted ways which was fine, but it left me lacking a lot of confidence and also very emotionally immature and with a desperation to be loved. I was very clingy to friends, and I developed a crush on college teacher because he was the first male in my life who has treated me with kindness.

Things that ultimately helped me were:

-Having a job where I worked the public, which boosted my confidence

-Having years of therapy to understand exactly what happened, how it was wrong, what healthy relationships look like, and also to accept how some of my thinking was wrong and to change it. Trick is finding the right therapist.

-Being lucky enough to have amazing friends who put up with my emotional immaturity and are still my friends today now i’m out the other side.

-Being single for a few years and doing whatever I wanted. It was great and the happiest time my life.

I met my DH at work when I was 27. Been with him 8 years. I do sometimes battle with a bit of paranoia that he will leave/reject me, but that’s it. And I am consciously striving to do better for my own kids.