Advice for friend/partner (DV content)

[FFJA]

My friend and I suppose girlfriend is best description is struggling a bit and some advice from anyone who’s been through something similar might help :(
We’ve been very close for a long time, and I think both see each other as more than friends. She’s very open about her sexual history, we’ve both been on the adventurous side of stuff and she says she likes she can be honest.
Over Christmas she got really upset and a flood of emotion came out with her disclosing her last ex and her daughters dad had assaulted controlled and sexually abused her for years. She eventually found the strength to leave and has never told anyone what happened other than me and her mum.
I listened and tried to say the right things (ie not much, just listen) and reassure her none of it was her fault, she didn’t deserve it like he said and that she’s not all the names her called and “damaged unwanted goods” as she describes herself. I said I can’t fix it, but I can love her regardless and if she wants to climb out of the hole she is in as she describes it, I can hold her hand.
I told her I’d looked at a domestic abuse website to try to help me understand and it’s made her so angry :( Why would I do that, she can handle it all herself, she doesn’t need help and I shouldn’t have done it.
Silent treatment is currently ongoing :(
I just don’t know how to approach it now. I was trying to show I’m caring and believe and want to understand, but it’s had totally the wrong outcome and I’m really not sure how I support her now? I have a feeling I’ve lost my best friend :(

Explain its because you love and care for her, thats all you can do.
Send her our number at womens aid and have a look at the freedom programme. But, you cant lead a horse to water..she will or wont address it in her own time

Thanks. I’ve tried to say it wasn’t because I was trying to push her towards it, it’s got nothing to do with me how she chooses to deal with her past (well, it affects me but it’s her decision not mine and whilst we’ve discussed counselling and police she’s too scared at moment) I just wanted to show I care I suppose, that I took what she’d said seriously and also I suppose that it hadn’t changed my feelings in the slightest. But it all seems to have backfired :(

Its difficult to tell people sometimes..send her a card...letter, dont go over what she has told you, its a trigger. Tell her you love and care for her and you were trying to be supportive but that you wont mention it again and that youre there if she needs to talk anytime about it but if not thats fine too. Ask her to get in touch xx

Told her all that. I just hope she comes back 😔 I didn’t mean to upset her, it’s hard to know what to say.

We chatted after I gave her some space. The gist was she didn’t want me to see her as a charity case and in her mind is handling everything the best she can. Lots of reassurance given. 🥺

Well after months and months of gaining trust she’s now thrown me to the kerb because I’m not supporting enough of her becoming a prostitute and when I talk about why I am scared for her and the risk of her being assaulted again, I’m being controlling and selfish and “making everything about me”. Last week she said she loved me and I’d made her trust men again like she never thought she would. So she repays my care and understanding by telling me she’s going on an escorting website, inviting men to her home when her daughter is out, doesn’t care what I think, and sending me pics of the cash and expecting me to encourage her and getting angry and giving me the silent treatment when I’m not.
literally at the end of my rope over her and no longer know what to say or do or how to even carry on myself. Broken :(

This is not a healthy situation for either of you, its time for you to end it and walk away. Go see your GP and ask them to refer you for counselling so you have some support, can process what happened, and can learn how to put some boundaries in place for the future.

Op, you need to walk away from this relationship. It's toxic from top to bottom and it's now affecting your mental health. There are some people who simply refuse to be helped, this woman is one of them. You may want to consider alerting social services if you think her child might be at risk.

Never have been much good at walking away from people. It’s all so self destructive and self harming of her and deep down I can see it’s all to do with her and nothing I’ve done wrong but the being pushed away and then pulled back is exhausting. It’s like she’s desperate to be loved and secure and then completely self sabotages and nothing sinks in. Maybe it will take her being really badly hurt or worse to make her realise how risky her behaviour is. Or worse it goes well and she gets addicted to it. God only knows. But I feel like a joke and eventually the criticism sinks in. Even told her she’s more or less taken on all the abusive traits of her ex and uses them on me without even knowing what she’s doing. And yet for all of that I still love her and see the good in her. What a loser hey :(

I’m confident enough he daughter is at no risk not even she is that stupid thankfully.

You're definitely not a loser but you definitely need to stop communicating with this person. Enough is enough.

I do get stuff wrong, and probably do come over too serious, but I suppose I see risk where she doesn’t. I don’t think she appreciates that me being the only one who knows all this makes me feel very responsible for her. Even when I know she’s a grown woman and responsible for her own actions.
Sorry just venting really, it’s a bit tiring at times.

Thanks for listening x

''Never have been much good at walking away from people. It’s all so self destructive and self harming of her''

Have you heard of 'co-dependency''? You've shut down all possibility of walking away, or of her daughter being placed in harms way.
Ask yourself what is behind your need to fix her.

Oh no I think her and her daughter could end up in harms way. But I don’t really have any power to prevent that.

Sorry resurrect an old post.
This hasn’t had a happy ending.
She got into the escorting. Took terrifying risks. We fell out as she said by not liking it I was being controlling and that she was fine and totally safe etc etc.
She had a bad experience and has “almost” stopped. No longer lets people in her house, no longer advertises but I believe meets a couple of older (70’s) men still. I’m reasonably sure she is safe.
We stopped talking for around 3 months, I refused to encourage her and she just cut me dead. Vanished.
Then this week she came back. Talked about how she had been, wanted me to k ow honestly things that had happened.
And in conversation after in hindsight trying to leave clues for the last year, admitted she was badly sexually abused as a child. She didn’t give details and I didn’t ask. I reassured her it wasn’t her fault, I don’t not love her because of it etc and told her it was her choice if she wanted to talk more.
She hasn’t but she says she’s glad I’m ok with what she’s done and don’t hate her, that she can’t understand why she trusts me more than she’s every trusted any man ever and she doesn’t know how she feels about anything.
I struggle to know what to say. How to support her and love her but her still keep walls up with me although she says she’s never been able to let anyone as close as me since her ex partner.
I should hate her for what she’s done, but I don’t.
sorry I just wanted to get it out 😢

Does she struggle to know how to support and love you? Because in all of this you are like an afterthought. Very sorry for what this lady has been through but at this stage she needs professional help.
People who are this mentally unstable create havoc and pain in others. This is not a friendship based on love, mutual respect and trust.
You are like a therapist and a support worker. It’s time to put yourself first. If you resume any contact here know that it’s going to be tough.
Thread on here recently from a female escort shocked me - your friend has probably been through some terrible times. But if she is still working as an escort the cycle of abuse continues.
Start to think about yourself, what you like to do, hobbies and interests and what the enjoy. And cultivate them.
You cannot help this friend she needs therapy. If you choose to support her now as a friend that’s up to you. Any kind of romantic connection would be really unwise.

She only did it for a short while thankfully and says that mostly she actually found it an empowering experience but by her own admission her relationship with sex is not exactly normal.
She says she has feelings for me, that she knows that I love her but that love is such an alien concept to her that she struggles to understand it. In her own head she is damaged goods and unwanted and she used to constantly question why I stayed.
She struggles to explain how things make her feel, to talk about emotions at all really. Unless she is at a really low point when it all floods out.
Im ok, work and hobbies etc, but the pain of seeing someone you love treading this line of self destruction is horrible. Although she has a good full time career etc and is a good mum. Outwardly no one would ever guess a thing about her.
In terms of the child abuse she says her parents don’t even know, and she was initially terries she’d done wrong telling me, someone will find out, I’ll get into trouble etc. it’s utterly heartbreaking.
She says she’s so uncertain and unsure of things at times and that she finds things hard with me because I’m probably the only person to see through all of her “walls” and I suppose that makes her feel vulnerable.
I’m glad in a way she can be vulnerable with me, and I’ve said, I’ll always listen, always be there for you because for all our dramas I love you beyond any amount you can guess, but I’m not the best person to talk to about it. And that if she wants I can help her to talk about it more when she’s ready either to me or better someone who knows what they’re doing and that it might help.
But she swings wildly between wanting comfort, love and closeness and wanting to never let anyone close ever.
Its as if it takes arguements, tears and drama for another little bit of armour to fall away and for her to allow herself to be a little more vulnerable each time. It’s hard to explain.

You have explained it very well and it’s clear you are a very kind and empathetic person.
It is awful to watch someone you love in pain but someone who has been through sexual abuse as a child needs specialist help.
You can choose to be there for her, and keep posting on here for support.

Thankyou. She can be horrible to me at times.
She can also be lovely.
And while my friends say I make excuses for her and maybe I do, a lot of her emotional lashing out and being quite unpleasant is often I think more of a “reaction” to feeling like she is losing any control of her situation. And I can sort of understand it’s scary.
Sometimes she will say she doesn’t want softly softly she wants me to take charge, tell her how to do it, other times she wants total control of everything and I get shut down.
She has a huge need to be told I’m proud of her, that I like her, that she’s pretty, that I’m not ashamed of her for things. And tbh I’m not. I wouldn’t have chosen for her to have done things she’s done, but I’m not ashamed of her, and I don’t have to agree to her choices to love her.
I said this to her yesterday….
“Imagine all the crap you’ve had from that and your ex like a big heavy coat for a minute…… The trouble with wearing a big heavy thing that people don’t notice you have on (or most people anyways) is you get used to it after a bit and think “oh this isn’t so bad, don’t really remember what it was like not wearing it so I’ll just go along like this now and besides it’s too hard to take off on my own and what if without it I get cold and wish I hadn’t?” And then it’s easier to not say anything or the right people haven’t been around to say it to, and you just kinda plod along. Not unhappy but it’s always kinda “there”. And if you never want to take it off that’s fine, but maybe I can help loosen the buttons when you’re too warm or hold it for a bit. Makes no odds to me, I’ll still love you anyway x x”
She said I’d done more than help with buttons and that she never imagined she’d be where she is. I just don’t know how to stay patient and not lose it with her when she pushes and pushes me away sometimes 😔

OP I feel I don’t have words of wisdom here and welcome some from other MN posters.
I can see why your other friends are concerned. This relationship is very co-dependent by the sounds of it.
If you are prepared for her to keep lashing out at you, then only you can decide that.
Have you thought of having counselling yourself? Because it seems like you are on edge also which I get as you are up and down with all of this?
Wishing you luck!

Not sure codependent is quite the “fit” but I take your point. I can and do quite happily exist without her, I’d just prefer not to 😂
But yes it does make me edgy I admit as I’m often awaiting the next plot twist! Things seem to change very rapidly. Eg last night we were laughing and joking by text about our favourite biscuits and this afternoon everything was too much and I know too much about her and how has she let that happens and etc etc.
I suppose part of the problem with these situations and describing them to others is it tend to be the “stand out” bits you describe. Not the just general nice bits where you chat about your days and how her daughter did at school etc and what she was up to at work so the picture it paints isn’t quite as balanced as it might be.
I think in my head I know perhaps there is no happy ending, and we won’t be together, but I suppose you always hope. And the daft thing is that I think part of her has that same hope. And that’s why she’s risked going as far as she has. What holds her back is utter fear of the unknown or rather a return to what she did know.
What a complicated and sad place life can be when you just want someone you love see themselves through your eyes and see how loved they could be.

Todays rollercoaster featured….
“I’d do anything with you I think”
“Yes you’re right I find things hard because you know me so well you could hurt me so badly and it’s so hard to trust anyone, and I don’t deserve to he happy I’m a slag and I know what I am”
“I’m happy with life, I’m happy exactly how I am”
”It’s hard on my own, I want to feel safe and secure, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt actually safe”
“You’re too much but I don’t know what I’m afraid of”

This is toxic. You sound like her support worker and I think you’ve gotten caught up in the flattery of you’re the only man she trusts.

Are you even in a relationship?

I think whatever advice offered here is not going to land. This is clearly a dysfunctional relationship.
This lady OP is talking about needs professional help. She clearly manages to function at work and with her daughter. Sounds like she is manipulating OP with this push-pull stuff.
It sounds exhausting. She absolutely iced out OP when it suited her.
If you were my friend OP I would tell you to remove yourself because you are going to get badly hurt.