How do you fall in love with your partner again?r again?

[Armpitty]

Been together 20 years and have got 3 kids. We've had our shares of ups and downs and still do but he's a good person and I want to make it work again. The things that made me fall out of love are all better now so I just want us to be happy again but somehow I can't.

You don’t need to “fall in love” again. That’s for the early days (and movies). Love changes, settles down into something quieter, calmer, longer-lasting.

Now’s the perfect time to put your energy into your career. Don’t waste your life fussing about romantic nonsense.

Maybe falling in love is the wrong word. How do you feel attracted to your partner again after your differences and problems have been resolved?

Just bumping this. Any advice?

Go on dates together, snuggle time on the sofa. Talk to each other and reconnect. Tell him that you want to make that effort that the marriage and he is important to you

And romance is amazing!

What were the issues and do they feel truly resolved? It's difficult to get back to how things were because you've shared everything that you went through and surely that would leave it's mark. It's difficult to say without knowing the full story. Work slowly on rebuilding your relationship by spending quality time together.

Are you holding any underlying resentment over things that happened in the past? Have you truly forgiven? If you haven't really moved on, that would be an obstacle. But perhaps you shouldn't move on - depends on what happened and whether it would be unreasonable for you to be expected to suck it up.

I suppose it depends what led to the fractured relationship. If it’s just natural day-to-day life and getting irritated with each other that can be solved to some degree. If that was a massive breakdown of trust then that’s harder.
If it’s about connecting, then there are ways to do that. Date nights, weekends away, just making time to really listen to the other person.

DH and I went through a rough patch at around 26 year mark.
Both kids had left home. DH became mobility impaired and things had changed a lot.

We went away for nights together, we joined English Heritage as we both love historic places, talked, date nights. Made more effort with each other

We are now nearly at our 34th Wedding anniversary. He had a stroke last year which presented a whole new range of challenges but we've got through it. We are happy

The problem is that I don't feel like doing these things. I don't feel affectionate anymore. Even hugging seems awkward and I just don't want to. My question is how can I want to be affectionate again? I don't want to split and we have resolved many of our issues and dh is trying very hard to improve the things I was resentful about. As I said he's a good person and he's trying to do his bit for our relationship and our family. I feel like I have checked out and I want to check back in again.

Each day make a mental note of all the kind/helpful things he has done. Think of one nice thing you can do for him (ie sort something out/make his lunch/bring him a cup of tea/buy fav biscuits ). Small acts of kindness go a long way to helping everything keep going.

Plus, should you feel like it: life is usually better with more sex.

My experience is that it needs to be a two way street. You won’t want to be affectionate again if he doesn’t make an effort and is showing you he cares about you.

Id start with much smaller things than going out on a date. But rather making him a cup of tea when you make one for you. Being more interested in him/his work/his hobby than you have been. Trying to introduce laughter in your relationship again.
Then see how he is reacting and how you are feeling.

I found that even when the problem is solved, the difficulties have shown you sides if him that you might not have liked. Hurt might have killed all the love/care you had for him. I don’t think you can always come back from that.

Small acts of kindness go a long way to helping everything keep going.

Agree there.
But it needs to be a two way street. If he is not reciprocating, you risk falling into you being at his beck and call and your kindness being abused iyswim.

Is it just him that you don't feel affectionate towards or is it the children and other family members too?

Just asking in case you haven't considered hormonal changes. With falling oestrogen comes a more laissez faire attitude to people you have previously nurtured.

Worth looking into where you are as an individual before you over analyse your relationship.

Are you putting up boundaries due to previous resentment issues getting in the way.

No, it's just him.

We do these things for each other. Him more so than me. We are like good friends now. He is making a massive effort and I find I can't reciprocate. I'm thinking of writing him a letter where I explain why I felt so resentful. I have mentioned it briefly but maybe once I've explained it to him (aka Rachel in friends' style...) maybe I can move on if he accepts the letter graciously and it doesn't start a massive argument.

The thing is he's really trying to work on the things I feel resentful about and trying to turn it around. I'm not angry anymore and I don't keep brooding about it or stewing in resentment but it's like I built a wall back then when things were bad and now I can't tear down the wall though I know it's not needed anymore.

Well I thought I'd write a letter tonight but now he's made a slightly annoying comment and now I don't want to anymore. I feel like a teenager...or maybe a toddler.

Maybe a part of me is happy with the status quo and I don't want to get closer again or romantically involved again but that's not fair on him, is it? If I want this marriage to continue (and I do) then I can't expect him to live like this.

Then maybe it would be worth considering counselling, either for the two of you or just for you.

Its great he is trying but it took a long time for that resentment to build up and for him to get it. You can’t expect your feelings of resentment to switch off instantly as soon as he makes an effort. It will take you time to feel comfortable again to trust him. (And I’ll be open yo the idea that it might never happen).

You and him need to accept it will be a slow process and there is little you can do about it. Because it’s about building respect and trust all over again.

How are you communicating at the moment? You mentioned being worried he’ll get angry reading your letter which makes me wonder.

There was no massive breakdown of trust. He didn't cheat or lie or get abusive or anything. He went through a period of being quite unpleasant especially with my oldest dc. He was short tempered, snappy and just very, very negative. Ranting and complaining about something or the other all day long. Painting a very dark picture of the world. A lot of it was caused by him being in constant severe pain and not knowing why. The pain medication also affected his mood and made him irritable and impatient. His illness started shortly before the birth of youngest dc and meant that he couldn't really look after the youngest much which meant I had no time for dc1. In spite of his pain He still did a lot of the caring for dc1 and spent a lot of time with them but that was almost worse because it meant dc1 was exposed quite a bit to his bad mood. I felt extremely trapped and resentful (and terribly guilty) because I couldn't spend much time with dc1 because I was busy with the newborn but then he wasn't nice enough to dc1 especially considering he was spending so much time with them. It also annoyed me that he often ignored them in favour of his phone. I can forgive him for being snappy with me but not with dc1. I also wonder if the constant negativity has affected dc1 and caused some of their current problems. We did have a few horrible arguments and considered splitting but he made it clear that he'd fight for at least 50/50 so I thought there was no point. Dc would still have to deal with him but without me there. (This made me feel even more trapped to the point thst i regretted having dc2 and i was very angry withmyself for having children at all with him). the dc are actually super attached to him and he does and always has done a lot for them. I just didn't like the way he spoke to dc1. (There's just two kids by the way, not 3. The whole thjng doesn't make sense with 3 kids). And the constant negativity. And I couldn't tell him anything because he couldn't deal with criticism so when I did it just ended in big arguments.

So anyway after about 1.5 years of this he started looking after dc2 more and everything has improved since then. He has also stopped the pain medication because it made him so irritable so he's still in a lot of pain but more pleasant and even tempered. He has made a conscious effort to change. He's still quite negative though but maybe given his health situation that is to be expected.

So on the one hand I feel a bit like an arsehole because I know a lot of it was caused by his pain and maybe i should cut him more slack. I know i don't sound very sympathetic. On the other hand these are my kids and whatever he's going through i want better for them. A happy, cheerful childhood. So I did resent it massively both the way he spoke to dc1 and that because of his condition I couldn't spend any time with dc1.

Anyway, he's working on all his issues and things are much better now except with us. He knows he's messed up and that I don't feel close to him anymore and I know he wants to fix it. He's trying but that's not enough, right? I need to fix my feelings from my side as well.

I've been married for 36 years this year. I've found that love comes in waves so there's been times I've considered leaving him and others when I feel so loved up. Try thinking of what you'd feel if he dropped dead. That's a test to see what feelings you have

We are friendly with each other but a bit distant. We still take interest in each other's life and try to listen and advice and help out. We've also just got a lot of other things going on and the stress levels are pretty high.

i think if you dont want to leave, and you arent sure what to do, then do nothing.

You dont have anythiung to feel guilty for. It might be that despite him trying hard, the damage has been done.
Id say give yourself a year and try and focus on your own happiness. Try and nurture your own spark and after a year, reevaluate whether you think you can do this relationship forever, or whether its come to the end of the track.

After reading all that, I think you are being a bit of an arsehole actually

maybe you need to “reset “ the relationship and start 24 as a new beginning?

Just my opinion but I don't think you can fall in love or feel that way after a while or after it's gone.

It's a biological thing when we meet someone new. Going on dates and trying to snuggle on the couch when you don't want to is just going to make it worse.

If you have a good partnership and are friends though, I think that's pretty good.

@Coconutcakes are you able to live with "a good partnership and are friends" without there being any more to the relationship? Genuine question.

I am living with my DH with whom I have a "good partnership and are friends" and I am so resentful that there's nothing more. I feel trapped into early nights to avoid having to talk about nothing or reach some boring compromise on the TV. I feel resentful that there is a partner in my life that isn't someone I can lean on when I am sad or times are hard, and who doesn't lean on me either (not that I'd know how to help I don't think).

A "good partnership and are friends" sounds like a house share rather than a relationship?