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Original poster

How do you fall in love with your partner again?r again?

41 replies

Armpitty · 03/01/2024 00:53

Been together 20 years and have got 3 kids. We've had our shares of ups and downs and still do but he's a good person and I want to make it work again. The things that made me fall out of love are all better now so I just want us to be happy again but somehow I can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Armpitty · 04/01/2024 18:03

acpk55 · 04/01/2024 09:59

After reading all that, I think you are being a bit of an arsehole actually

maybe you need to “reset “ the relationship and start 24 as a new beginning?

Show quote history

Yeah I know. That's what I want to do but I just don't know how. I mean I know I'm being a bit of an arsehole and I don't know how to reset our relationship. How to feel that affection again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Armpitty · 04/01/2024 18:08

UpsideDownside · 04/01/2024 16:09

@Coconutcakes are you able to live with "a good partnership and are friends" without there being any more to the relationship? Genuine question.

I am living with my DH with whom I have a "good partnership and are friends" and I am so resentful that there's nothing more. I feel trapped into early nights to avoid having to talk about nothing or reach some boring compromise on the TV. I feel resentful that there is a partner in my life that isn't someone I can lean on when I am sad or times are hard, and who doesn't lean on me either (not that I'd know how to help I don't think).

A "good partnership and are friends" sounds like a house share rather than a relationship?

But the thing is currently I can lean on him (practically at least if not emotionally but he's never been good with emotional support) and he can lean on me. It's like we are still family. We still know each other's stuff, we still are happy to help. I want the best for him and if there's anything I can do to help I will and vice versa but I just don't feel affectionate towards him let alone wanting to be intimate. That's what I want to fix. But whenever he makes a Jerky comment or is snappy then I go back to square one and don't even want to fix it.

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 04/01/2024 18:11

maybe sometimes you can’t. But I agree with others that it has to be both of you.

Watchkeys · 04/01/2024 18:15

maybe I can move on if he accepts the letter graciously and it doesn't start a massive argument

Might it? It's hard to feel affection towards someone if you risk explosions simply by expressing your feelings.

Dazedandfrazzled · 04/01/2024 18:17

Maybe you should get some therapy to work through your situation. I'm like you but with a toddler, so far off even wanting to fall in love again. I harbour alot of resentment and perhaps time will heal this although I'm not sure that it will in, and I'm not sure it sounds like it has with you either so maybe you need to get to the crux of the issue. Besides that, I'd say go on nice holidays, maybe see if you can discover a new hobby, also spend some time being happy apart. As PP said focus on the good things, maybe even write them down so you can look at them and remind yourself.

Didimum · 04/01/2024 18:18

Armpitty · 03/01/2024 10:26

The problem is that I don't feel like doing these things. I don't feel affectionate anymore. Even hugging seems awkward and I just don't want to. My question is how can I want to be affectionate again? I don't want to split and we have resolved many of our issues and dh is trying very hard to improve the things I was resentful about. As I said he's a good person and he's trying to do his bit for our relationship and our family. I feel like I have checked out and I want to check back in again.

Show quote history

Sorry, OP, but you’re being very unreasonable here and looking at it backwards. This shows a complete lack of interest in putting in the work, and if you have no interest then why are you posting?

The ‘want’ in doing things is not going to magically fall in your lap. You make the conscious effort to shake up what’s happening, build on positive interactions and the ‘want’ in repeating them and continuing the effort is rediscovered from there.

Dazedandfrazzled · 04/01/2024 18:19

Armpitty · 03/01/2024 22:52

There was no massive breakdown of trust. He didn't cheat or lie or get abusive or anything. He went through a period of being quite unpleasant especially with my oldest dc. He was short tempered, snappy and just very, very negative. Ranting and complaining about something or the other all day long. Painting a very dark picture of the world. A lot of it was caused by him being in constant severe pain and not knowing why. The pain medication also affected his mood and made him irritable and impatient. His illness started shortly before the birth of youngest dc and meant that he couldn't really look after the youngest much which meant I had no time for dc1. In spite of his pain He still did a lot of the caring for dc1 and spent a lot of time with them but that was almost worse because it meant dc1 was exposed quite a bit to his bad mood. I felt extremely trapped and resentful (and terribly guilty) because I couldn't spend much time with dc1 because I was busy with the newborn but then he wasn't nice enough to dc1 especially considering he was spending so much time with them. It also annoyed me that he often ignored them in favour of his phone. I can forgive him for being snappy with me but not with dc1. I also wonder if the constant negativity has affected dc1 and caused some of their current problems. We did have a few horrible arguments and considered splitting but he made it clear that he'd fight for at least 50/50 so I thought there was no point. Dc would still have to deal with him but without me there. (This made me feel even more trapped to the point thst i regretted having dc2 and i was very angry withmyself for having children at all with him). the dc are actually super attached to him and he does and always has done a lot for them. I just didn't like the way he spoke to dc1. (There's just two kids by the way, not 3. The whole thjng doesn't make sense with 3 kids). And the constant negativity. And I couldn't tell him anything because he couldn't deal with criticism so when I did it just ended in big arguments.

So anyway after about 1.5 years of this he started looking after dc2 more and everything has improved since then. He has also stopped the pain medication because it made him so irritable so he's still in a lot of pain but more pleasant and even tempered. He has made a conscious effort to change. He's still quite negative though but maybe given his health situation that is to be expected.

So on the one hand I feel a bit like an arsehole because I know a lot of it was caused by his pain and maybe i should cut him more slack. I know i don't sound very sympathetic. On the other hand these are my kids and whatever he's going through i want better for them. A happy, cheerful childhood. So I did resent it massively both the way he spoke to dc1 and that because of his condition I couldn't spend any time with dc1.

Anyway, he's working on all his issues and things are much better now except with us. He knows he's messed up and that I don't feel close to him anymore and I know he wants to fix it. He's trying but that's not enough, right? I need to fix my feelings from my side as well.

Show quote history

Completely missed this! Yes, I think you need therapy, probably better marriage counselling. I don't think this is going to resolve itself easily unless you can choose to let it go and 'start over'.

Watchkeys · 04/01/2024 18:29

Sorry, OP, but you’re being very unreasonable here

I think this is really invalidating to you, OP. Feelings aren't meant to be 'reasonable', and you are not 'being' your feelings; you're being kind, civil, friendly, etc, to someone you find you want to be kind, civil and friendly to.

Feelings change according to stimulus, not decision. If he's giving you nothing to feel affectionate towards, then you won't feel affectionate. You can't force yourself to feel affectionate towards someone who is trying and missing the mark (as he clearly is), any more than any of us can force ourselves to, for example, like someone who tries to get us to like them by doing things we don't enjoy (like continually asking how we are, or continually bringing us gifts.

He wants you to feel affection towards him. You want you to feel affection towards him. What would make you feel that? What could he do right now that would make you think 'Aw, what a sweetheart'? Work it out. And then tell him.

Passwordsffs · 04/01/2024 18:45

@Watchkeys spot on as usual.

UpsideDownside · 04/01/2024 19:11

@Watchkeys I love what you say. It feels real.

My problem is I could work out a million things that I'd like him to do or say that I think would make me feel connected again. But ultimately there would always be the really hard times that he just wasn't there. The times that were totally shit but "work comes first", the times when he suggested something life-changing but then said "oh no" when it happened ....

Focusing on "what would make me feel loved now" doesn't erase all the stuff that has gone before :(

UpsideDownside · 04/01/2024 19:14

I don't know how to edit ....

What I mean is that I want to start from a clean slate because nothing could possibly be a better outcome than reconnection with my DH, but how do you repair the past as well as make a positive now as well as pave the way for a great future, all while washing school uniforms and making fish fingers?

NewmemyselfandI · 04/01/2024 19:22

I honestly dont think you can.
You need to decide if what you have now is good enough or if you want to risk it to try find it elsewhere, with no guarantee it'll happen.
I'm in a new relationship with a man after both our previous relationships failed, and we can see now how we need to do things differently from the outset and try catch early these small things that kill the affection over time, so we can keep our hearts beating for each other.
We are ready for the relationship to settle and calm down, and actually look forward to this stronger partnership and bond that comes with sharing a life together, but having both tried to "save" our previous relationships that reached a similar point to yours, and failing, we are just a lot more aware than we were in our 20s or 30s, when we were probably too busy raising kids and trying to make ends meet on autopilot then prioritising looking after our feelings for our partners.
For us, it wasn't good enough and we are lucky we got a second chance to try do better, and we also know we would rather be on our own then in a "house mates" situation again. With no shared mortgage or kids to make us feel "trapped" together, we know we have no alternative but actually work on the relationship every day to keep it healthy.
I know you are trying to hang on to the fact he is a nice man, and a good dad, so I'd leave and try to do it amicably enough so you still have that, but has a chance at intimacy and love again...

Didimum · 04/01/2024 19:44

Watchkeys · 04/01/2024 18:29

Sorry, OP, but you’re being very unreasonable here

I think this is really invalidating to you, OP. Feelings aren't meant to be 'reasonable', and you are not 'being' your feelings; you're being kind, civil, friendly, etc, to someone you find you want to be kind, civil and friendly to.

Feelings change according to stimulus, not decision. If he's giving you nothing to feel affectionate towards, then you won't feel affectionate. You can't force yourself to feel affectionate towards someone who is trying and missing the mark (as he clearly is), any more than any of us can force ourselves to, for example, like someone who tries to get us to like them by doing things we don't enjoy (like continually asking how we are, or continually bringing us gifts.

He wants you to feel affection towards him. You want you to feel affection towards him. What would make you feel that? What could he do right now that would make you think 'Aw, what a sweetheart'? Work it out. And then tell him.

You are misreading what I am saying. I am not saying her feelings are unreasonable and by ‘here’ I meant what she had written in that specific post, not her situation in general.

It’s not unreasonable to struggle with the task of setting your marriage back on track. But it is unreasonable to respond to the advice with ‘but I just don’t want to’ put in the effort, because it’s unreasonable to think effort won’t be required.

Feelings change according to stimulus

This is what my advice on what to put effort into means. Change the stimulus and build on the positive feelings that arise from it. However, if OP is going to continue to say that she ‘just doesn’t want to’, then that is unreasonable in the attempt to solve her problem or at least make improvements to her situation.

JustExistingNotLiving · 04/01/2024 20:56

One thing you mention is that you are right in the middle of a lot of stress. And your dh is still struggling with pain.

Has your dh tried something else other than medication for his chronic pain? The NICE guidelines are to try acupuncture (rather than meds) for pain. I personally found it really good and certainly worth a try. There might be other things he could try (which would mean going to see his GP rather than staying in a medication that didn’t work fir him like he has done around your dc2 birth).

And wha5 about those stresses? Are they going to go away soon? Because jets be honest, trying to be affectionate, rebuilding a relationship in the middle of a war zone (not between you but around you) isn’t easy either. I’m wondering of you are not trying to do too much all in one go really.

RedRock41 · 04/01/2024 22:50

Think of it like a bank account… all the negatives can push you into your emotional overdraft so in order to get back more positive feelings takes a lot of good things to be deposited into your joint account on both sides… when in credit the feelings come back. Can help too to work out and agree what you need from each other… there are some great books which can help and fact you want to get back the good feelings is a great start.

Coconutcakes · 06/01/2024 11:08

UpsideDownside · 04/01/2024 16:09

@Coconutcakes are you able to live with "a good partnership and are friends" without there being any more to the relationship? Genuine question.

I am living with my DH with whom I have a "good partnership and are friends" and I am so resentful that there's nothing more. I feel trapped into early nights to avoid having to talk about nothing or reach some boring compromise on the TV. I feel resentful that there is a partner in my life that isn't someone I can lean on when I am sad or times are hard, and who doesn't lean on me either (not that I'd know how to help I don't think).

A "good partnership and are friends" sounds like a house share rather than a relationship?

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this. You wouldn't be unreasonable to want more and leave the relationship. Nor would you be unreasonable to think - romance isn't everything, nothing's perfect, there is no guarantee a better "love" is out there, what you have is good enough.

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