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Original poster

Daughters Boyfriend staying over

74 replies

HappFridays · 02/01/2024 13:02

Could I have your thoughts and advice please
My 18 year old daughter has returned from uni for Christmas - she went to Newcastle boxing day to see her boyfriend and was supposed to return a week laterfor my father's 80th birthday but brought him back with her and they have been staying ever since. I said it was ok but I am really regretting this now. We live in a 2 bed tiny terrace - open plan living room so there is no where to go other than my bedroom if they are watching a movie. They have stayed in bed until 1pm/2pm. I went out yesterday for a drive and a coffee as I feel so uncomfortable in my home - sent her a text to say I would be home in 5 minutes - returned and he was lying on my sofa with no top on and had obviously been at it whilst I was out. I feel my daughter has no respect for my home and now I have opened the door of opportunity to them for the future. I did not want to look like a prude as they are in a relationship and have no where else to stay.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 02/01/2024 14:16

Honestly I would say no from now on. Yes they're adults and they're allowed to have sex. But I don't have to be aware of it, nor should I have my space invaded indefinitely. It's rude and disrespectful. Just say, " no because the house is too small and I work from home." If you don't nip it in the bud now, he's coming to keep doing this every holiday, and the summer break is a LONG one!

Mrsttcno1 · 02/01/2024 14:16

I mean to be fair, I don’t think I’d feel very welcome if my mum spoke about the family home as “her space”.

I’ve been with DH since we were just kids really and my mum & dad always welcomed him into our family home. We didn’t live in a huge house by any means, we spent most of the time in my room to keep out of the way and sometimes we’d all sit together and have dinner together, watch a film etc. Obviously if we were messy, loud etc there would have been an issue but actually we were all adults who respected each others space and could cohabit. I can’t imagine my mum ever speaking of the family home as just “her space”

Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:17

AgnesX · Today 14:05

Why can't they stay at his home in Newcastle or at her father's? Why do they need to be in Nottingham especially if you can't afford to have them both there?

She spent last week in Newcastle - his mother paid for them to stay in a hotel because I don't think she wanted the situation either. Her father won't let them sleep in the same bed.

OP posts:
Silverbirchtwo · 02/01/2024 14:19

Tell them they have to get up by 9:00 and go out in the day so you can work. They can come back at 1800 about when they would if they were working. If they are treating you like a hotel, you should treat them like B&B guests.

Demanding what time you cook food, lying about half dressed, not paying for anything, making it difficult for you to work. I'm with her dad, you're not acting like this under my roof.

BeaRF75 · 02/01/2024 14:21

Send him an invoice. At the very least, he should be paying bed and board.

Nudgethatjudge · 02/01/2024 14:21

Can't they stay at the Uni accommodation??

I think it's OK to say you need your space back. You didn't realise it would be for so long. And they have options- sounds like yours is the best place - home comforts, get to sleep together, food, washing machine!
Next time you'll probably be clearer in your communication with them.

Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:23

@Beautiful3 Yes I have come to the realisation that the summer holidays are long - she breaks up in April till September. I do not want this situation to become the norm or a regular thing - just can not afford it - both students and not seen her do any of her assignments or look for a part time job - sounds harsh but I am not running a holiday camp

OP posts:
Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:26

@Nudgethatjudge he does stay at her uni accommodation - you have hit the nail on the head this is the best place - free food, heat, washing machine - that is why I am feeling the way I am today and need to put some boundaries in place

OP posts:
Namechange4448830938489 · 02/01/2024 14:27

She sent you texts from her bedroom about when they would have food? What happened after that because I know what I would have done.

HamBone · 02/01/2024 14:27

Tbf, if he’s from an affluent family he probably doesn’t realize that feeding and providing water, etc. for an extra adult (and 18-years-olds can eat a lot!) might be a stretch for some households. You need to talk to your DD again when he’s not there and explain that it’s straining your budget.

Of course they’d prefer to stay with you than with his family if they’re not allowed to share a bedroom there, but it’s not feasible except for short visits.

Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:30

@Silverbirchtwo thank you that made me smile! Yes they are adults but acting like teenagers - lying in bed all day and having food cooked for them - I bought food that my daughter can cook as I do not want to suffocate them but she is not even doing that - unless I cook it they won't eat

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 02/01/2024 14:34

I think the issue is she thinks you can be forced to let them share a bed due to space, at her Dad's she can't do this.

Have the same no shared bed rule and they won't feel so comfortable at your place.

LaDamaDeElche · 02/01/2024 14:36

I had a long term boyfriend when I was that age and we used to stay at each other's parents houses for a week or so at times. I didn't lounge around in the communal areas half dressed and neither did he at my parents house. We also spent time with our respective families, not just lying around in bed all day. I wouldn't have been comfortable doing that. Neither of our parents needed to tell us not to do that, it's just manners for most people, surely? I think you've every right to feel the way you do. Talk to your daughter about it.

Itsuitsyou · 02/01/2024 14:36

I had the same thing with my son. I also live in a similar sized house. I kept telling my son to have more respect, I could hear them having sex in the daytime, they too didn't get up till late and it was so embarrassing if I had visitors, we could hear everything. They eventually split up and ive told him if he meets someone else I'm not putting up with it again. I gave them an inch and they took a mile. If he wants a girlfriend to stay again then they can book into the local travel lodge. It's totally unacceptable and disrespectful to you for the boyfriend to be lying half naked on your settee. They are pushing your boundaries. I'd tell your daughter that either they show more respect or he can't ever stay again.

Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:42

@Itsuitsyou It is all so new to me - first boyfriend - first time I have been in this situation. I remember my friends being in this dilemma and it caused marital problems - mum was ok about boyfriend staying over - dad not! I think I have messed up but I wanted to hospitable and welcoming my trouble is I am too accommodating too nice and get taken for granted.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:46

@FrenchandSaunders Its along break - not back to uni until 24th January - summer break even longer. Prior to boyfriend she was coming home and working shifts in the local pub - now I am just handing money out for petrol, food etc and can barely afford to eat myself

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 02/01/2024 14:47

HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:26

@Nudgethatjudge he does stay at her uni accommodation - you have hit the nail on the head this is the best place - free food, heat, washing machine - that is why I am feeling the way I am today and need to put some boundaries in place

So he lives there rent and utility free too?

You/your DD/her dad pick up the tab for that.

Does he do anything at all?

As for quitting her job to be with him... I bet you can't wait for her to actually throw up and become independent 😊

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 02/01/2024 14:49

HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:46

@FrenchandSaunders Its along break - not back to uni until 24th January - summer break even longer. Prior to boyfriend she was coming home and working shifts in the local pub - now I am just handing money out for petrol, food etc and can barely afford to eat myself

Then, once she has finished her current flounce, you need to tell her this in words as blunt as this.

HamBone · 02/01/2024 14:49

HappFridays · 02/01/2024 14:46

@FrenchandSaunders Its along break - not back to uni until 24th January - summer break even longer. Prior to boyfriend she was coming home and working shifts in the local pub - now I am just handing money out for petrol, food etc and can barely afford to eat myself

Grrr, I’d put a stop to that today, OP.

ginasevern · 02/01/2024 14:50

HappFridays · 02/01/2024 13:48

Initially I thought it was just for a couple of days (new years eve) but it is all week. Cooked a Sunday Roast and daughter sent a text from her bedroom asking for it to be at 12.30 - then 1pm then 2pm - ended up leaving it for them to heat up and they hardly ate it. Found out daughter handed her notice in at her part time job so she can be with the boyfriend so yes I said it was ok initially but have changed my min with the events of the past few days - feels like I am running a youth hostel

She'd be wearing the sunday roast if that was me. Can't believe some of the posters on here who think this is OK. If it was your MIL sprawled on the sofa and sending texts from her bedroom the advice on Mumsnet would be kick her out in the storm (naked if needs be) and go NC until your dying day.

Trenda · 02/01/2024 14:56

I too would have allowed them to stay as you did and with much the same thoughts behind it. I might even have said nothing on finding BF on my settee with no top on. But dont waste my food or increase my bills or I will blow up.

You have more than met your promise that they can stay for New years. If you wanted to be nice you could give them until the end of the week to be out of the house. But I would have had them gone by today at the very latest. Thats if they wanted to stay after I ripped them both apart for their cheek .

Sounds like the BF is a waster who is leaching on your DD. I wouldnt be helping this relationship to continue.

Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 15:00

He lives at home and is at college. Student loan pays for her rent / halls of residence and I support with a monthly allowance for food. He was up there like a shot when she moved in but they are quite strict with guests - one a month for a maximum of 2 days or other wise it is a piss take and somewhere free to stay. Should have applied those rules here!!

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 02/01/2024 15:03

And who is the one who will be replying that loan? They are both being quite thoughtless

And yes, apply the same rules 😁

Original poster
HappFridays · 02/01/2024 15:09

You always want to help your child out and I could never see her go hungry but staying in bed all day, not doing assignments and not working is not being an adult in my eyes - Xmas is over now and I guess that is why I feel \i am being taken advantage of

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 02/01/2024 15:15

It's not unreasonable to ask everyone to be dressed top and bottom once they're in the living room/kitchen. I don't imagine they'd be comfortable with you walking round in your knickers.

Have you given her a deadline for him to leave?

And for next time work out what it is you are and are not prepared to accommodate and be clear about that. As PP have said she can't read your mind and know it's not OK if you haven't said so, and certainly not if you've said it is OK!