Abusive husband can also be kind and caring. Have others found this confusing?

[Sebantha]

In your experience, can abusive men also have good bits? Can they be kind and considerate to some people, including to their partner, but also be abusive at other times?

My husband can be abusive and very unreasonable. For example, he shouts and says mean things about my family and friends. He is very critical of me and I am sometimes shocked by his selfishness.

But he can show kindness too. He gives to charity. He cares about a friend who's lost a brother and wrote him a long letter. He can be caring towards me.

I feel like I can't work him out. I know that people are complicated and are neither wholly good nor wholly bad.

My mum knows a little bit of how controlling he can be. But she tells me 'there's good in him'. Which I think is true.

I wondered if anyone else has had this experience with an abusive person. And if you have found it confusing.

Yes. That pretty much sums up abusive people - lovely and kind and then also horrid in other ways.
After all, if they were only abusive and nasty all the time why would anyone stay?

Every abusive husband is also kind and caring. That's how the abuse works.

If they were nothing but abusive you'd leave immediately. So they turn it on and of, pushing you to your limit and then pulling back and being nice. It's entirely designed to abuse you as much as they can without pushing you into leaving them.

Well I presume evey single person on the planet does some good in their life even if it is helping a neighbour or holding a door open for a stranger I am sure people in jail or serial killers, dictators of countries do good sometimes, paedophiles volunteer at scouts

It is not that hard to understand really

Yes, I have had this experience with a partner and yes, confusing is an understatement. Complete headf**k more like, and ime it takes years to untangle your mind and find yourself again.

It's the being nice/good that keeps you in the relationship. You get suckered into thinking that they / the relationship can be redeemed. They make you believe it is your fault that they behave so badly, because they can sometimes be so loving. They say things like "Why do you always ..." "If only you didn't..." "Why can't you..." "You make me..." or they won't say anything at all and you get the silent treatment for days whilst wondering what you did/said that was so bad.

It is a cornerstone of a classic abusive relationship. Read 'Why does he do that?' and do the Freedom Programme. No one should live like that and abusive behaviour tends to escalate.

My exp did this. It left me reeling. But I’d get a huge ‘high’ from the kindness. I ended up craving the good moments. Like a drug. Life is more peaceful now he’s gone. But I still sometimes want that kindness and it’s taking no contact to free myself.

Yes, how often do you hear stories about women abused, beaten, killed by their partner? People who know them are often shocked at hearing about the abuse, they often say the couple seemed happy. Abusers hide in plain sight. They can be pillars of the community but behind closed doors it’s a different story.

Are they a good person who had a bad moment or a bad person who was pretending to be good?

They have to lure you in somehow?

This is a tactic often employed by abusers.
What you are seeing from him here is called the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. It’s a very effect method of controlling the target, in this case you.

Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control and he wants absolute over you here.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Are you in the UK?.

He shouldn't be nice to you sometimes. He should be nice to you ALL the time.
You shouldn't be treading on eggshells!!

There is a lot of tough love being given to you OP and I do agree with it. We wouldn’t be with these people if they never showed their good side. I’m a bit naive but I’m actually sure it’s genuinely there. It doesn’t mean they can’t and won’t hurt you as well. My mother is my abuser, although I’ve had a pattern of abusive relationships with men too, and she’s adorable to animals, writes handwritten cards for every little occasion, every builder, plumber etc who has worked on our houses is her best friend. I could go on. She’s also been arrested five times, once for GBH, and left me with such severe PTSD I can’t function. I honestly don’t think it’s deliberate. They just find a way to work in the world where they get what they want and people still like them.

Exactly no one should be tippy toeing to get the nice treatment and fear doing something wrong in the eyes /mind of an abuser.

It's called the cycle of abuse. Google it and read up about it. Why Does He Do That and the Freedom Programme, as mentioned by a PP.

You have two options:

• leave
• extremely strong boundaries; but this only works if you are able to cope with the inevitable fallout.

Recognise that they virtually never change. Lots of nice words and promises notwithstanding.

When you're in a healthy, good relationship, you're nice to each other ALL the time. You NEVER abuse.

I feel like I can't work him out.

What is there to work out? He is not s puzzle. He's an abusive man. That's all you need to know. The only amount of abuse that's acceptable in a relationship is none. Do not be fooled into thinking that because he acts nice sometimes, that makes him different from other abusive men. All abusers are like that. Otherwise they wouldn't get women to be in relationships with them in the first place, or keep them for more than a few weeks. Stop wasting your mental energy on working him out and spend it on getting rid of him.

I also had an abusive ex who could be really nice. I'm sure Hitler was also nice too when it suited him.. it's just not good enough.

F

Not that I’ve had personal experience with an abuse, but from what I understand this pretty much sums up any abuser, especially in the earlier stages of abuse. They use the “I’m so lovely and treat you so well” parts to counteract the awful moments and make you question yourself when the abuse comes.

The thing is, you should NEVER have to endure abuse. Of course everyone has moments of stress when they argue, but actual abuse (of any kind), no amount of nice moments make this okay.

I hope you find the strength to leave this abusive man OP.

I think this is part of the abuse.

It's the part designed to mess with your head, make you question yourself, make others believe he's a nice person. Basically it's designed to keep up his facade in public and convince you not to leave.

Even supposing he did have some genuinely "nice" impulses and it's not all purely cynical manipulation... you do realise that there are decent potential partners out there who have genuinely nice impulses and also AREN'T abusive? Aka normal people.

Sorry to be so abrasive. My annoyance is at him, not at you.

Yes. This is what mine was like. If you look closely at the ways in which he’s nice they’re of a different quality to the ways in which he’s unkind. The nice bits are all about outwardly projecting humility, his public image, situations where he’ll get something back. The nasty bits are about power and control, and especially controlling you.

Have a read of this OP: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thank you

I literally wrote a post on here around a year ago which was identical to yours. I was in a relationship with someone exactly how you describe.

I found myself getting to the end of my tether which his moods, his patronising ways, his anger. All of a sudden he would switch and be lovely for a couple of days. Then back to angry and abusive again.

It is to make you question your own sanity. Are they really horrible or am I imagining it because some days they are lovely and the neighbours think he's an amazing guy. It makes you live on eggshells, trying to prevent the next outburst. It is all part of what they do.

I left and I never looked back. When I did leave he admitted to being abusive and promised to change. I didn't give him the chance and I've been so much happier since.

I will say the niceness makes it feel impossible to leave, but you need to see through it and go. I have a lovely partner now, but every single day I still go through what happened with my ex in my mind. It has really affected me and I was only with him for 2 years.

I hope you find the strength to leave

Let's not forget that it isn't only men who can be abusive. I know a man who was belittled, sworn at, derided, controlled, had things smashed and thrown at him, and was threatened, gaslighted, etc., for a few years. He finally left. She managed to fool neighbours, her family, friends, employers, into thinking that she was nice and decent - until she was filmed having one of her (frequent) rages. Now, everyone knows what she's actually like

Let's not forget that it isn't only men who can be abusive.

Is there any particular reason we need that pointed out on a thread about yet another abusive man? Sounds a bit like whataboutery tbh.