Abusive husband can also be kind and caring. Have others found this confusing?

[Sebantha]

In your experience, can abusive men also have good bits? Can they be kind and considerate to some people, including to their partner, but also be abusive at other times?

My husband can be abusive and very unreasonable. For example, he shouts and says mean things about my family and friends. He is very critical of me and I am sometimes shocked by his selfishness.

But he can show kindness too. He gives to charity. He cares about a friend who's lost a brother and wrote him a long letter. He can be caring towards me.

I feel like I can't work him out. I know that people are complicated and are neither wholly good nor wholly bad.

My mum knows a little bit of how controlling he can be. But she tells me 'there's good in him'. Which I think is true.

I wondered if anyone else has had this experience with an abusive person. And if you have found it confusing.

I'm sorry @Chipsahoy that you went through that abuse. That's awful.

Yes, most abusive humans have good bits, it’s never horrible 24/7 and in everything they say/do.

Everyone has good and bad in them because they are sane human beings. The very few monsters are raving mad. If you had a monster on your hands you would have run away in the first hour of meeting them,

Abusers are not monsters. They are humans where their bad bits overshadows their good bits. Having “good in him” doesn’t mean he’s not an abuser and it doesn’t mean he won’t hurt you or even kill you one day. Your mum should not be using this as a reason for you not to leave him.

Thanks @BabaBarrio . Both my mum and my dad have talked along these lines - saying there's good in him, and that I can help him to be a better person.

I think they're trying to reassure me.

It’s not your responsibility to change or reform a “bad boy”

Is there stigma in your country/culture/religion surrounding divorce? Because they sound very old fashioned on top of being in denial.

His being nice can be both innate and a tactic to manipulate you. It’s not always fake, and it’s not always genuine. In the end though, it doesn’t matter that he is nice at times, he is still abusive and so for your good and his, the relationship should end.

A very few abusers can reform, but they have to want to and they can’t do it while in a relationship. They need to have years of therapy and focus on themselves. There is no motivation for them to change if a woman is putting up with their shit and abuse. It makes them think they are more good than bad.

So to save you, and give him a chance to save himself, the best thing is to end the relationship.

That is no doubt well-intentioned but probably harmful advice from your parents, OP. Abusers have to want to change and tend to be rather selfish and there is literally nothing in it for them if they admit they’ve done harm and commit to the really hard work of change. There’s a reason why “I can change him, momma!” Is a sarky trope out there. It REALLY hurts but in incredibly rare cases leaving will actually force the abuser to go through change. In all the others it gets you away from the harm, which in the back of your mind you know will just keep happening. Either way leaving is the best thing to choose, if you can.

Shit. Sorry, for some reason I thought your parents would be more supportive. Perhaps after he uninvited them?

It sounds like you come from a background where you are supposed to suck things up. Where emotional.abuse is not.recognised for what it is.

Have you tried calling Women's Aid? They can give you some.good.advice and explain why his behaviour isn't OK. The real worry in your situation is that this sort of abuse escalates at the time of.pregnancy or childbirth so it's only going to get worse.

@Sebantha always remember Hitler loved animals and children! I'm afraid it just means their shit behaviour overshadows the good things about them