Never felt so alone

[Gloworm1974]

Well it’s 1st January and I feel so low. This feeling came on yesterday when it dawned on me I had nothing to do or anyone to see NYE. Just me and my OH. It bothered me that even if I wanted to, there was no one I could call to ask to pop round or meet anywhere. I only have a few friends who were all busy either visiting people or just sitting in as a couple. One of my friends is in a newish relationship so I understand she wanted to spend it with her partner but tbh, I’ve not really heard anything from her in about 6 months since meeting her new partner. My husband and I are quite reclusive and would like to get out more but in our 50’s feel it’s hard to reconnect with friends. I had a few years long spell of mental health problems (husband and my kids were amazing in their support) but friends just fell by the wayside. If when us two are out for a drink or meal and we bump into friends it’s fun but there’s never any concrete follow up, just a “we will have to get together “ then when I do try to arrange something there’s always an excuse why they can’t. I don’t like to think people are so small minded that they’d avoid me because of my previous mental health battles but it appears to be the case. We have financial problems which limits what we can do so it really cuts deep when I see the social media posts of friends out having fun but we didn’t even get an invite. Even an invitation would be appreciated even if we are not able to go. I think what I’m trying to say is that I feel really lonely with such a lack of female friends. Me and my few friends will do something once in a blue moon but there’s never any spontaneous can I pop round for a cup of tea kind of thing going on. It sounds so sad but my only social interactions are going to work. I don’t really know why I’ve even posted this, I think I just want to get it off my chest. I have decided I am going to take up exercise and get fitter physically and emotionally so maybe that will help. I’ve gained a lot of weight since menopause and feel incredibly self conscious with low self esteem so maybe once I like myself more then others will like me again. Jan-feb is always a blue time for me so I make sure I get my vitamin d etc and I’m going to make sure I have plenty of walks. I’d love a holiday but financially that’s not really an option. We’ve always felt the poor couple out of all our friends, the couple that is always struggling yet they have holidays all year, nice cars etc. material things don’t bother me as such but maybe we just don’t fit in with them anymore? I don’t know really what to think, just feel so alone. In my younger years I was so sociable and had lots of friends, was always out but then had my children and obviously life changed overnight but even now my kids are grown up I really thought socially I’d just pick up where I left off! My daughter and I have a few things planned and I love spending time with her; she’s like a best friend but I do miss seeing my friends on a regular basis. Sorry to ramble on!

I understand some of your situation and felt like this a lot during covid times. I know that people avoid meeting me one to one because I am pretty quiet. What made a difference was suggesting an hour long walk with certain friends and acquaintances. When you walk it is easier to chat and they know that it has a natural end, so it’s not a big risk or inconvenience to meet up. You could link this to your new fitness goals.
Good luck! There are a lot of these threads and I think there are many in your position. There should definitely be a Mumsnet meet-up network to help with this.

There is a big need for meet-up/friend finding opportunities for women in their 50’s.

You had your OH with you, so that is a bonus... mine has died so I am especially grateful for my kind family.
I am sorry you have had mental health problems but it is good your OH was supportive.
There are groups in most areas ... walking, art and especially singing. I run a community choir and it is so good for mental well-being and making social contacts .... and you do not need to.be able to read music ... just willing to have a go.

I could've written this post too! I think the social media posts make it worse as it causes a lot of FOMO. When in reality maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I don't really have any friends either. I was going to actually come on here to post something similar. I find people always overlook me. I saw a group of the mums from my area went to the ABBA Voyage show a few months back. But not ones that seem to be friends. A mix match who obviously came together to go there. I had been scrapping about for weeks to find someone to go with to see it and had no idea they were going. I asked my BIL and his BF and they said they couldn't afford it. My DH didn't want to go. And some of my other non mum older mates said that the dates didn't work for them. I nearly booked to go alone on the night the mums went.

I think they must have just spoken at the school. I never really went ti the school.

I dunno when younger friendships were easy but now it's such hard work.

It is really hard work. I too have wanted to go to many things like a night at cinema/theatre/band but friends either can’t afford/can’t make it; always a reason to not do something with me. I am often tempted to just get on a train and go to places by myself; I’d even go on holiday alone! I happily go in cafes on my own with a book or magazine, I guess I am a loner at heart and most of the time that’s fine but now and again I feel really lonely and just wish I was 21 again! I’d love to do a spa weekend but friends say they can never afford it yet they’re able to afford the things that they want to do! Social media makes things a hundred times worse seeing everyone out having fun. I had 30 days off Facebook once, did a am detox and I did find my life improved by not having things thrown in your face. Maybe I should stay off again for a little while. x

I’m so sorry you have lost your OH, that must be incredibly hard. Families are a god send at times like these. My family are amazing and hubby is great, it’s just the female company of days/nights out I miss. I’m in my 50’s but feel so young inside! Your choir sounds amazingly great fun! I used to be so musical, played a variety of instruments so maybe I should rediscover the hobbies I had in my youth. My ability to read music has never left me so I guess I have a head start there. Thank you for your reply, this has given me some new ideas to try this year but first is getting fit and losing weight. This 100 percent adds to my being a recluse.

Mid last year I decided I needed to make a big effort to expand my social circle. I’d spent years feeling sad and moaning about my lack of social life but if I’m honest with myself I’d taken very little real action to do anything about it.

I joined a local book club, a women’s walking group and a group for women wanting to make new friends (all on FB and all arrange meet ups in person). I’ve have had 2 nights out in December with these. The book club is especially good, it’s a bunch of people who honestly I’d never imagine I’d be friends with or socialise with and they’re great people and good fun!

As a couple, when DH and I see our neighbours or people we know by sight/saw all the time at the local pub we’ve made an effort to talk to them, more than just a “hi, how are you”, we asked them if they’d like to join us (while giving them a get out clause of “we’re not stopping long/only having one drink”) if they’d rather not. 9 out of 10 times they say yes.

My New Year’s resolution is to say yes to everything I feasibly can, and also to ask a couple of women I think I’ve clicked with if they’d like to go to meet up for something low/no cost like a walk, coffee or the cinema.

Interestingly I did see a post on Facebook recently by a friend of a friend, it was a shout out basically saying she wanted to go and see a particular show but had nobody to go with and how hard it was to make new friends in your 40’s. I thought her honesty and vulnerability ams putting herself out there was really endearing and she’d had a few replies from other women saying they’d go with her.

Hi, can I recommend you look at local ramblers groups. You can try a couple of walks without a membership. It’s about £45 for a years membership and you can join as many walks as you like. Really good for your health goals and socialising. x

All great ideas! Thank you all so much! I love reading so a book club would be great! I agree, I’ve actually done very little in ways of actively changing my situation. I’m prone to bouts of depression too which I know isn’t easy for people to take on board. The irony with depression is that exercise is the best way to get yourself well but sometimes it’s that bad I can’t even get out of bed but I’ve not had a bout in a while and feel ready to get out there and seize life again. A ramblers group would really benefit my goal of getting fit too. Sometimes I feel like posting on FB that I’ve seen something I want to go to and would anyone like to come but it’s the fear of not getting a single reply that scares me and that people would think my god, she’s had to publicly beg for friends to go out with! But my thoughts on that now are if you think that if someone that has put themself out there for friendship says a lot more about that person than it would me. I have to stop worrying what people will think. There are certain friends I had in my 20’s that are just acquaintances now. Full of bullshit about doing things together and I’ve also noticed they are social climbers. They were happy to be friends with me when I we were younger but have gone on to befriend the “rich wag brigade” all designer handbags and shoes which isn’t me at all. I love people who are down to earth and real and couldn’t give a shit about what labels I’m wearing! (Usually new look and primark!)

These are all great ideas. I like the idea of saying yes to everything too.

I've also stared to just book day festivals and concerts with just us and to go. I think a ramblers group is such a good idea. Maybe they also do groups who meet up on NT places. I bought DH NT Memberships for the family this year in a effort to get us all out the house!

Hi op I'm 42 and due to terrible up bringing and 17 year violent relationship my self esteem was none existent I lost the few friends I had I used to love walking but unfortunately due to fibamyalga long walks are rare I really feel like you most of the time especially colder months but in the summer I go on coach day trips to stately homes as I love tudor history money is tight for us too especially as we have 2 young children I go on the day trips on my own but it's so lovely everyone talks together

A coach trip out is a great idea! Thank you for the suggestion. I do love a coach trip and hopefully it won’t be too expensive either. I’m also very interested in history, museums etc but my friends would never want to come to that but I’m happy to go along on my own now you’ve said the coach has a good atmosphere

Op. Where do you live? Ru in London?

Also I’m so sorry you had to endure a violent relationship like that. Thank god you are no longer amongst it. The abuse does leave you destroyed. I’ve had a few friends go through DV. It was so sad to see because the person cannot leave until they’re ready to leave. I just let them know I was there for them.

This time of year is hard. There's a sense we should be busy and full of joy. I have no advice as my life isn't great. I only have my mum. I don't speak with my stepdad so I've had 4 Christmas's in a row completely alone. I find myself living in nostalgia and afraid of time passing. I think having things to look forward to helps. It sounds like you have loving family.

Thank you op yes I'm definitely rid off him got a lovely dp and 2 wonderful little ones honestly op I have been on quite a few coach trips now and I can honestly say you will have a wonderful day everyone talks to each other I'm in Leicester the last trip I went on was to Hampton Court Palace I took a book thinking a could get a few hours reading done no I didn't it was chatter all the way there and back 😀

No, I’m miles from London.

That sounds a wonderful day out! I’m really happy that you have a lovely partner and family now x

I am so full of nostalgia too! Yearning for my younger years which is such a waste of time. I think if I didn’t have family I would travel. I mean travel while working. This country depresses me so much with the state it is in. I’m so sorry you have spent 4 christmases alone. Sending hugs. X

I hear you OP. I'm a lone parent so it's been just me and 1 DC over the festive period. We've had no invites and very little contact from anyone despite reaching out so just tried to make our own entertainment by going on a few days out.

Biggish family but we never have any get togethers due to complicated relationships - DC and I get on with everyone though tend to only hear from them when they want something.

Currently feeling terribly lonely and forgotten about. I have reached out to friends to wish them a Merry Christmas, barely anyone responded so I've not embarrassed myself further to wish them a HNY - I've heard from none of them today.

Whenever I do have contact with friends its always "we'll have to do XYZ", I'll make it clear I've no plans and can do whenever, I never hear back yet they've got enough time to meet up with others. And repeat.

I'm self employed and work alone so have no work colleagues to meet with. Most of my social interaction happens on the school run or doing the shopping. Looking forward to the whole period being over to be honest and getting back to normal though dread the usual questions about what we got up to over the holidays as it sounds so pathetic.

I feel exactly the same @40unicorn I always make it clear I’m free any evening but never hear anything. I do understand a few of my closest friends do have a lot on their plates so I try not to be selfish but it’s sometimes hard not to wallow in these feelings of rejection. I’ve always loved my own company so I think the reason can only be cos it’s Christmas and nye. It just suddenly dawned on me. They are always there in a crisis but I don’t want a crisis to happen just to see my friends! Im glad it’s all over too and we can get back to normal. This period does seem to put massive stress on us doesn’t it. People that don’t text back are so rude so I’m not surprised you’re not gonna wish them a hny. Especially when majority of people have their phones glued to their hands. It’s sad the reasons within your family limit family interaction. Is there no way of resolving these issues? I know you said you get on with all of them so do you mean various members have beef with each other about things? It just makes me wonder if I didn’t have my family would I actually hear from anyone and that’s a scary thought so I won’t go there. Social media has killed human interaction in a lot of situations. I find it quite toxic and upsetting when you see your friends out together which you haven’t been invited too. My hubby always says don’t worry about it, we can do xyz and that is lovely but I love being around the women I love, we have such fun when together but it’s just so few and far between. My mum and dad have no friends whatsoever. It’s always been them two against the world and my dad is happy but I think my mum gets bored and I really see me and hubby ending up the same if something doesn’t change. Im sounding desperate and today and yesterday I was feeling desperate but I know it will pass. Like we said, we are glad this period is now over. Have you thought of joining any groups of what you may be interested in? Is your child young or can he/she be left alone if you wanted to join a club or go out?

I'm always a little surprised when people write these posts but have a DH right beside them!

I know it's not a race to the bottom but I'm a single parent, and I can assure you NYE is a very lonely place to be.

Try and focus on what you have - a loving DH - and spend the next year building friendships with others if that's what you feel is missing.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn i really hate how petty I must sound and I apologise for whining but just because I have a DH and lovely kids doesn’t stop the loneliness. In fact I will sometimes say to hubby why don’t you pop and see your friend or go to a footy match because you do get sick of each other when each other is all you have. He is great but we do start to bicker. I’m back at work tomorrow for the first time in two weeks and really looking forward to the socialising of it. That makes me sound so sad. I can imagine being a single parent does get lonely and hearing this I do feel ashamed to be whining about it. Do you have friends that pop round or for you to visit? I’m worrying about everyone feeling lonely now! All is lonely people out here, it’s heartbreaking isn’t it. I dread old age and being alone. My heart breaks for OAP’s who are completely and utterly alone. I will always strike up conversation with elderly people when I see them and they’re always so happy to stop and chat for a few minutes. I help them with their shopping and have even given them lifts home cos I feel for them so much, struggling alone x

Its a really hard and lonely time of year x
and exacerbates feeling lonely 😞

id take hard look at your friends and effettive now unfollow every single one that posted
something that made you feel sad or bad

life really is too short for this unnecessary pain
they won’t know but it really helps

and so start with the exercise
it will help build confidence as you pointed out

maybe you and your DH need to spread wings and try new things this year x
and see what green shoots emerge

Loneliness is so common now, isn't it ? Or are we just more aware . I feel that I miss out a lot because I have such a small family . My friends seem to be so busy with sisters, daughters , grandkids. They are kind and invite me along sometimes but I feel like a tag on. I have travelled myself, gone to shows by myself , visited NT properties by myself but it does get tedious. Unfortunately, unless you make an effort, people are not going to be knocking on the door. It is hard OP and if anybody has any suggestions, it would be great to hear them.