Am I heartless? TW; Miscarriage

[HeartlessSILAmI]

My SIL had a miscarriage.

I didn’t know about it at the time though. Instead SILs behaviour changed, she became possessive of my DC demanding to have them overnight on the weekends they weren’t with ExH, demanding to do school runs, telling me I need to cancel wraparound so she could do childcare. I backed off and kept my DCs routine normal.

So SIL then convinced my mum I was the one with Mental Health Issues and that I was the issue, stopping her and Brother seeing DC. She also tried to convince ExH of this, and tried to persuade him to go for full residency (we have a court order anyway although we rarely stick to it as we agree it between us) and telling him she’d help out and do 50% because my mental health was the one going down the pan.

And she almost managed to persuade them. And ExH was preparing the court papers (he’d told me this) and I was prepping to prove I was stable enough to keep residency of my DC (I do have MH issues mainly anxiety and depression but I am generally well managed with a mixture of antidepressants, regular gym and swimming sessions and some private counselling when I feel I need it) but then SIL went off on an angry rant at ExH in front of DC, I don’t know exactly what about but ExH said it was mostly vitriol aimed at his very lovely girlfriend who DC adore (she is genuinely one of the nicest people I’ve ever met) but it opened his eyes to what SIL was doing and he decided to cut contact with them and they’ve never been in the same room as my DC since -this was about 3 months ago.

My mum still believes I have mental health issues and I am the problem, but I keep her and DBro and SIL at arms length.

Apparently this makes me heartless because of the miscarriage, I found out about it once ExH cut them off to, apparently I’ve convinced ExH that they’re the issue and it’s my problem not theirs and it’s only a matter of time until things come crashing around me. I am depriving my DC of a family (they have ExHs, he has a sibling who has DC and also a cousin whom he’s close to who has DC the same age as ours) and they’re trying to take me to court to force overnights even if that means me and ExH lose residency.

I’m not in the least bit worried by their threats, but am I heartless for not wanting them to be possessive over my DC almost to replace their own? My heart goes out to both of them, I’ve had a miscarriage myself but it didn’t give me the right to take over parenting someone elses DC and I believe I am right to not want to confuse my DC in that way, my DC are upper primary age for context.

Her behaviour was very weird and stress-inducing... obviously it's very sad but just because she is mourning doesn't mean you have to respond to her demands, in fact she'll probably be better off not co-opting your kids, that would just be a crutch that wouldn't help her move on.

I think you'll just have to rise above people's thoughts about your mental health on this and try and let them bounce off you.

Wouldn't matter if you were completely heartless. They're not her children.

She sounds at best extremely mentally ill and has fixated upon your children as the solution to her issues, so avoiding her and your mother at all costs is the only way you can proceed.

@Echobelly Its hard though when it's your mum saying it, and the brother you always used to be close to

@NeverDropYourMooncup Thank you, it is hard because its my mum and brother as well as SIL but I have to protect my DC

Can you write your mum a letter, calmly and factually explaining everything that has happened? It's possible to be completely sympathetic and empathise with SIL's grief, whilst also protecting yourself and your children from her harmful behaviour by cutting contact. I'm sure you could very eloquently explain this in writing. The question is, would your mother be receptive to it? If you think the answer is no, I'd just crack on keeping them all at arm's length and stop feeling guilty for prioritising your kids.

I can't imagine any court taking her rants for your dc seriously... Neither her or your dm have any rights. ..

She sounds unwell and you are doing the right thing by keeping her away from your dc.

I’ve had a miscarriage. It made me a little bit teary when friends who were due the same time as me had their babies and I didn’t. But I knew this was my issue and no one else’s. My trauma is not for other people to fix. She sounds like she needs some mental health support, but that’s for her to sort out. Stay out of it and stay well away to protect yourself and dc.

Well you need to be telling your mum that you do not have mental health issues and that you do not wish to discuss that matter further with her and do not appreciate her claiming you do as this is undermining you. If she does not back off then you need to consider reducing contact.

Sounds like there are quite a few other people who you need to reduce contact with considerably.

@BalletBob Unfortunately I don't think my mum would be open to it, while we're not quite in golden child territory my brother is definitely the favourite.

@Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob I'm not worried, I've still got the evidence I gathered from when ExH was planning to take me to court but I doubt the courts will care as I've never been hugely reliant on them.

Good grief, what have I read!
How on earth is your mum or brother not seeing this is insanity!
Your SIL cannot claim your D.C. and make demands, also worrying your ex was about to go along with it.
I'd cut them off and make it very clear to your ex the DC have not to be taken near them.

@Kwam31 Thankfully ExH has said that he doesn't want them anywhere near DC for the foreseeable future after the rant from SIL about his girlfriend in front of DC.

Unfortunately family relationships can get all tangled up when their is toxic people in it. Just because your sil had a miscarriage does not mean she can now demand and exert control over your life and children. I'd rise above it all and keep being the best mum you can be. I don't think you are heartless for putting boundaries down when it comes to your children. If you and exhubby can keep a good supportive relationship together so to keep on board together other ppls toxic behaviour

@Healthyhappymama Surprisingly ExH and I have a fairly ok co-parenting relationship, we didn't work as a couple but now we're apart we are doing ok as parents for DCs sake.

Its got worse.

I am now heartless and selfish as I won't "share" my DC, they're not just mine apparently they belong to the whole family and I should be wanting to have childcare help like this as other families won't help out each other and parents are begging for help.

I never asked for their help with childcare, I never asked for them to be grandparents/aunts/uncles/whatever to my DC, I'd rather live my life and get on with it.

How is this being communicated to you OP? Is it your mother or SiL and is this face to face of by text?

'Ummmmm...OK' and hastily blocking everybody (whilst looking at potential properties on Rightmove that are far, far away) would be my plan. And of course, conforming with school that under circumstances is anybody other than you to be communicated with, much less permitted to collect them without you specifically advising this on the day in advance.

@InAPickle12345 Via my dad at the moment, my parents aren't together but my brother and SIL see my dad of course, I wouldn't expect him to not see them. Usually he's ok, but he "feels for my brother and SIL"and "sees both points of view"

@NeverDropYourMooncup I can't move, ExH lives nearby, we have a Child Arrangements Order and although we don't stick to it and make our own arrangements it wouldn't be fair to ExH to basically stop his contact with DC.

wtf have i just read?? this is crazy, surely you know you need to cut these people off right?

I would be writing an open letter/text/email to your father, brother and sister in law telling them as a result of their actions and attempt to fuck with your life by claiming you're incapable of looking after your own children that you want nothing more to do with your SiL and any further contact from her will be seen as harassment and you will report her. I would genuinely log this with police as well. While it's never nice to suffer a miscarriage, this woman is unstable and I wouldn't take any chances in protecting myself and my DC.

OP you need to keep your distance from your SIL and her MH issues. If your mum won’t listen her as well. Stop joining in their drama
Its not helping you or her .If your Dad stops being a people pleaser instead of impartial voice of reason he may be able to get your broth realise his wife needs help.
I think you have enough to deal with without taking on their misplaced grief.

Has your Dad been made aware of the whole story?

Sil and by extension db have tried to undermine both you and your exh via courts and Infront of the children. She has tried to steal your children both legally and via alienation. Does your father understand that? And he thinks them demanding to see your children in those circumstances will be good for the kids when they have been so openly hostile to their parents???

I suspect he's just seeking an easy life or he's as batshit as the rest of them.

“They’re not well dad! It’s so sad, we were all so close before. I really hope she feels better soon.”
” Can’t do that dad- I need to keep the kids calm and safe. Unfortunately they’ve got a bit volatile and erratic, which is why ex feels the same. I know it’s hard to understand when you haven’t seen it yourself. “

Just keep calmly repeating the above to your parents. Sooner or later your B and SiL will show themselves up again.

@MooQuackNeigh He knows the full story but still says he can see both sides and I can be selfish with my DC as they don't "belong" to me, they belong to everyone.