AITA?

[pleasebekindnotpreachy]

Husband is away visiting family (we couldn't all go this time). We have cameras in the house ostensibly for security. But he has a habit of logging into them when away which makes me really uneasy and doesn't understand why I find it weird if I have nothing to hide. I think he just does it out of curiosity or perhaps missing us but I just find it off and feel bad that it makes me so uneasy.

Over the summer when he was away for a bit he texted me 'nice outfit' when I was trying something on in the bedroom and was taken aback that I admitted I found it weird and even creepy even though he's my husband and asked him not to do it again. He meant it lovingly.

Yesterday on the phone with the kids he said he saw they'd fallen asleep on the sofa. He's miles away. Again meant lovingly but I just thought yuck. I don't like that the kids think this is normal either. To feel watched without permission or consent. I find myself feeling watched all the time as I don't know when he's looking or not. I hate it.

The cameras were put in years ago when we had a thieving cleaner and to keep us safe in case of fire alarms etc. We have had phone trackers on each other, which admittedly he set up, which I really didn't like at first (as he'd make comments on where I was when I was on mat leave - meant as cute ones, like 'that's a long time to be stuck in Sainsbury's' but it felt odd though he said it was to check I was ok) but have got better with.

Admittedly I now use these myself now to see when everyone will be home for dinner too but not to generally check in. And being able to check in on the kids' locations now is a game changer for me so maybe I'm just a late adopter?

So that part I'm better with now but the cameras thing just makes me feel so uneasy. And I do have nothing to kids but it feels too invasive! Sure he could check if the fire alarm goes off and alerts him or if he can't reach us and worries, but just to check in randomly feels like Big Brother! Super invasive.

But if he means it lovingly and still does it after me saying I find it strange and it makes me uncomfortable how can I address it or find a better middle ground and resist my urge to just unplug all the blasted things and create an issue around it!

AITA?

Edit: I mean 'I have nothing to hide

Seriously creepy. I would get rid of them.

There is no need for cameras around your house. I would have ripped them out a long time ago.

Switch them off and only have them on when you’re all out

It would be a deal breaker for me. Completely fucked up to feel watched in your own home.

Turn them off. Do the kids know there are cameras in the house?

Just turn them off when you're in the house, turn them back on again if the house will be empty.

His reaction to you switching them off will tell you everything you need to know about his motives.

Take them out of your bedroom and bathroom.

Turn them off. By all means switch them on when you go out

This is not loving behaviour from him at all; this is controlling behaviour and he wants to monitor your every move due to his own paranoia re you. He probably thinks that you're going to run off with another man.

I would turn all the cameras off as there is no need to have them on. He is doing this to keep tabs on and otherwise spy on you all covertly. You've already told him to stop but he continues; he really has no respect for you whatsoever.

Thanks guys. Bolstered by so many immediate responses I've taken a stand and told him not to drop in on them again. Explaining again I know it's meant with love but it's just really weird and invasive and I don't want the kids to feel it's normal to be watched without consent too. Guess I should remove the cameras too but baby steps.

You need to reconfigure how you are thinking about this.
You don’t need to say to him that it feels invasive.
He is not doing it lovingly. He may genuinely feel he is. He isn’t.
If I were you I would just say to him that they will be turned off when you are in the house and on again when you go out.
End of story.
You also need to be able to turn them off at your end. Not expect him to. Because he won’t. I can almost guarantee this.
Awful behaviour on his part.

That is seriously creepy

I feel irritated if DH comments about seeing me come home / go out on ring doorbell

Make eye contact with the camera and crap on the bed ?

"Bolstered by so many immediate responses I've taken a stand and told him not to drop in on them again."

What was his reaction?.

No its not meant with love at all from him; his actions here are NOT loving ones. He is misusing the camera system for his own purposes and otherwise invading your own privacy within the home.

This is being done by him because he is paranoid you're cheating or are going to cheat on him in his absense. He wants to keep tabs on you all and I think he will continue to monitor you all. Its only the fact that you've caught him monitoring you that you know he's at all been doing this; he could be far more careful in future.

I don’t think this is going to change anything. You need to turn them off, not ask him not to look at them again. And it isn’t done with love.

I would seriously discont as many as possible like halfway ones and external ones are probably all you need if cleaner situation is resolved. Bedrooms and living rooms are to be relaxed in. Would this not mean he also has access to re watch sex and changing and stuff ?

Nah neverm8nd not dropping in on them just get rid of them ??? He's likely still to do it perhaps be more secretive about it though.

Either unplug or cover them over.

Just turn them off, now.

If you can't, cover them up, now,

The fact you've said 'baby steps' suggests you don't feel able to do that - which is a massive red flag for coercive control.

Fair points. Unplugging and agreeing new 'only when we are out' protocol!

He’s still going to look @pleasebekindnotpreachy he just won’t tell you about it. Remove them or turn them off. It’s weird and creepy.

Also you’ve not answered if the kids know about them

@pleasebekindnotpreachy

Is he okay other then this ? Like genuinely ?

Genuinely reassured at the strength of all the responses. Had honestly come to think I was being silly as he genuinely doesn't see the issue. Btw to posters saying I 'caught him' - nope, he openly mentions it and has in the past, though yes surely watches more than he says too as he just mentions things he saw, and said he sees it as a nice thing that he can be with us when we are away. I've said we'd love that but when aware eg by phone / FaceTime. Consent important! Even within families.

No one should have to live like that being watched in their own home..makes no difference that it’s your husband, it’s bloody creepy and controlling. Please don’t believe he’s doing this lovingly, it’s not normal at all.

You’ve asked him to stop looking at them but he won’t. He’ll just stop making comments that make you aware he’s looking.

I wouldn’t be willing to have them switched on unless everyone is out of the house. There’s no need when you’re there.