AITA?

[pleasebekindnotpreachy]

Husband is away visiting family (we couldn't all go this time). We have cameras in the house ostensibly for security. But he has a habit of logging into them when away which makes me really uneasy and doesn't understand why I find it weird if I have nothing to hide. I think he just does it out of curiosity or perhaps missing us but I just find it off and feel bad that it makes me so uneasy.

Over the summer when he was away for a bit he texted me 'nice outfit' when I was trying something on in the bedroom and was taken aback that I admitted I found it weird and even creepy even though he's my husband and asked him not to do it again. He meant it lovingly.

Yesterday on the phone with the kids he said he saw they'd fallen asleep on the sofa. He's miles away. Again meant lovingly but I just thought yuck. I don't like that the kids think this is normal either. To feel watched without permission or consent. I find myself feeling watched all the time as I don't know when he's looking or not. I hate it.

The cameras were put in years ago when we had a thieving cleaner and to keep us safe in case of fire alarms etc. We have had phone trackers on each other, which admittedly he set up, which I really didn't like at first (as he'd make comments on where I was when I was on mat leave - meant as cute ones, like 'that's a long time to be stuck in Sainsbury's' but it felt odd though he said it was to check I was ok) but have got better with.

Admittedly I now use these myself now to see when everyone will be home for dinner too but not to generally check in. And being able to check in on the kids' locations now is a game changer for me so maybe I'm just a late adopter?

So that part I'm better with now but the cameras thing just makes me feel so uneasy. And I do have nothing to kids but it feels too invasive! Sure he could check if the fire alarm goes off and alerts him or if he can't reach us and worries, but just to check in randomly feels like Big Brother! Super invasive.

But if he means it lovingly and still does it after me saying I find it strange and it makes me uncomfortable how can I address it or find a better middle ground and resist my urge to just unplug all the blasted things and create an issue around it!

AITA?

Turn them off but if you catch him looking at them again then look into getting them removed permanently.

"Unplugging and agreeing new 'only when we are out' protocol".

He is unlikely to agree to that measure so these cameras need to be removed by you and otherwise turned off permanently. Such things can be and are often used by abusive men to further control their targets. He cannot be trusted not to further misuse the camera system.

I also think you are afraid of him and his reaction given you mention baby steps too.

Absolutely facetime while doing the normal mundane tasks is a way for him to feel there when he's not like having him on the counter on ft while making dinner ect. Hopefully his reaction to your boundaries is good and you feel more comfy op xx

Super creepy.

Yup, they do. I've pushed back on him looking when we are out previously too. Not fair on them or babysitter imho but he disagreed

"Btw to posters saying I 'caught him' - nope, he openly mentions it and has in the past, though yes surely watches more than he says too as he just mentions things he saw, and said he sees it as a nice thing that he can be with us when we are away".

That's even worse in that you were unaware until after the event. He's even monitored how long you were in Sainsburys!. Given your understandable reaction to being monitored he will now stop telling you that he is spying on you all within the home. I would seriously also consider your future life with him given he is unlikely to cease his monitoring.

I would absolutely hate that!!! Even though I've nothing to hide, and anyone watching would only ever see me make cups of tea and sit on the couch, I would feel constantly watched which would mean you could never really relax. Ugh!
Definitely stick to your boundaries here OP. He can FaceTime when suits you both if he wants to feel close while away.

By the way, what is AITA?

@pleasebekindnotpreachy does the babysitter know that they are on camera? Huge invasion of privacy. If you don’t trust them, don’t have them in the house.

AITA is an acronym for am I the asshole?. And of course you are not OP.

The only asshole in this scenario is your husband.

Am I the a@@hole

We have cameras in the house for the dogs, but only in the living room and kitchen. We don't record unless we're on holiday. There's no way I'd have them in the bedroom or upstairs. Personally I'd turn them off if you feel uncomfortable. There's no need to have them on if you're in the house.

We use the phone tracker but it's really useful with the dc and my dh who is a truck driver so I never really know what time he'll be home and he can't phone or message when he's driving

Get rid of the cameras or the husband!! I'm serious, if he doesn't agree to getting rid you have big problems heading your direction. I'm in my 50's and seen this type of behaviour with my aunt and uncle from when I was young, no cameras or even mobile phones 40+ years ago but he had my aunt on a virtual timetable. He worked away 3 weeks a month, she was a sahm, he'd telephone home every day to ensure she was there when she should be in his opinion (lovingly checking in of course), my aunt visited my mother once a week and her husband would ring our house everytime (he could anywhere in Europe) but again he was lovingly checking in!!! She was the first person I know with a mobile phone, then a tracker on the car, then cameras outside the house which alerted him everytime a person or car moved, if she went out he'd call ask her where she was going and if not back quick enough he'd call again and finally cameras inside the house, now there was no escaping his surveillance. They are both retired now and the first thing he did was sell her car, of course again done lovingly, why have two cars when they're not working? She's now stuck at home while he's off playing golf etc, she can't do a single thing without him knowing, she has become a shell of a person, he still checks the cameras when he's out, he passes comments similar to your dh but of course, it's all done lovingly.

So sorry to hear of this and so generous to share, thank you. I can see how the control thing must get addictive too and spiral. Good wake up call too to not normalise or accept what isn't normal lest it grows and festers.

We've got CCTV cameras around the perimeter of our house and one in each of two parts of our hall, which is ample for security purposes. We've got various alarm sensors in different rooms in the house but I wouldn't be happy to have cameras in the bedrooms or living areas.

'Consent important even within families'

This a really concerning way to think about consent op. Consent is imperative everywhere.

Is he controlling in other ways?