Is feeling insecure about this unusual

[Universalsnail]

Is it unusual to feel bad if your partner talks about finding an actress attractive?

Watching a film with DH. I can't remember how it came up but he made a comment about the actress in the film being hot. This made me feel bad. I said it made me feel bad. He tried to make me feel better by telling me of course he finds me super hot and he'd always pick me over anyone else and then tried to make a joke out of the situation by saying "unless the actress was here". The joke made me feel worse. Just felt really bad about myself after that but tried to just brush it aside. The joke was was meant to be funny because obviously he's never going to meet this actress and I am his life partner.

It got brought up again later by him so I tried to explain why it made me feel bad and we've ended up having an arguement because he said feeling bad over this is weird of me and not normal which then upset me because I felt stupid and shamed for feeling bad about myself when I didn't ask to know he found this women hot and I didn't bring it up for discussion again.

I just said that I just didn't want to hear about who he thinks is attractive or not. Like obviously it's completely fine and natural he finds an actress hot, I just don't want to be told or know about it. I explained that's because it just makes me feel bad, makes me feel inadequate and triggers my body dysmorphia because I don't look anything like that actress. I am overweight after having children with acne. It's a me issue completely but like I just don't want to know as I just compare myself to them and feel inadequate. He thinks that is a weird of me and he thinks no other women think like I do about this.

Is is really that unusual or weird to feel insecure or to feel bad about yourself in this situation? Like I know it's a me issue and a my self image issue, but surely it's not that unusual to feel bad like this and just not wanting your partner to tell you if he thinks someone is hot is reasonable. I just can't imagine telling him that I find another man, even an actors attractive. It wouldn't occur to me to tell him this. Why would i think he'd want to know that?

My partner and I tell each other if we think someone’s hot. Doesn’t bother me. Sometimes we fancy the same people! I think this is a self esteem issue but now he knows it upsets you he should be more considerate about saying anything like it in future

It amazes me why men think they have the right to comment on other women. Take no notice of him.

I think if he knows you have body dysmorphia he should avoid saying anything like that.

Are you having treatment for the dysmorphia? Dysmorphia isn’t just feeling inadequate next to celebrities. It’s a mental health condition where you see flaws that don’t exist. You need to get support for it. But his comment aren’t helping.

But it’s also entirely normal to find other people attractive. And in many relationships it’s normal for people to mention it. It’s not a big deal for him not say these things, if it bothers you.

I don’t know where the Pp got that it’s something men do. Many women comment a lot of male celebrities and how attractive they are.

I am under mental health services who know about my history and body dysmorphia. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be all that much help so I just try and manage myself

If it was a rare occasion it probably wouldn't bother me. Just so long as he doesn't make me feel compared to other women through, for example, regularly name dropping. Or saying I should 'dress more like her' or any similar narcissistic triangulation bs.

I suppose he could have said it very pointedly. As in, the implication hanging in the air that YOU are not hot. Depending on his tone. Also with him knowing about your body insecurities...maybe not great that he would say that...

But generally speaking I'd expect to be able to call an actor hot without it sparking drama. It also sounds like he apologised very well and tried to lighten the mood but you just were not having it.

Hard to know without being there op but I think this might be a you issue this time.

DH and I comment on and point out especially attractive people to each other all the time. Until
this thread, it’s never even occurred to me Thad be people who had a problem with this!

No, it doesn’t make me feel bad. I know my husband finds me attractive, as I do him. I also know that he thinks Beyonce is gorgeous. Beyonce is obviously heaps better looking than me, which is why she’s Beyonce. I’m very okay with this!

I would feel like you so, to me, the way you're feeling is a normal way to feel, but my husband has similar feelings/views which helps. He wouldn't comment about finding another woman attractive and wouldn't want me to comment about other men. It's just something we don't do and I don't see why it's necessary, I just can't imagine sitting discussing how an actress looks or making a comment like that but maybe we're unusual. Anyway, I don't think he'll do it again so just try to move on from it now although I know how hard that is once something is in your head x

So you aren't as attractive as that actress. Most people won't be. That's fine and normal, don't waste time getting upset over something you have no control over. Don't you find actors good looking compared to your partner?

Dh knows I think Chris Hemsworth is hot. It doesn't mean anything. He's just nice to look at.

It doesn't deter from how much I fancy dh.

Its not great to feel insecure but it's not unusual. I think it depends on how secure you are with the person. I had one partner who treated me like a princess and I had no jealously or insecurity issues, after him I met someone who was a bit of a 'lad' and I never felt that comfortable or secure and had huge insecurity issues

It's not usual to feel like this but it's not unusual either.

It got brought up again later by him so I tried to explain why it made me feel bad and we've ended up having an arguement because he said feeling bad over this is weird of me and not normal which then upset me because I felt stupid and shamed for feeling bad about myself when I didn't ask to know he found this women hot and I didn't bring it up for discussion again. This I'd the bit I'd be concerned about. He knows it upset you so why on earth did he bring it up to minimise your feelings.

There are screen people I fancy same as my husband that is normal and no my husband doesn't have to change anything as what he says is normal

This 'yeah but I have issues so you are in the wrong and have to change what you say' is not fair on the other person, if you feel jealous or whatever deal with that

The problem is with you and you made something out of nothing ..I've heard men and women do it as in passing comments and nobody is bothered. Your other half is with you for a reason because he loves you

he said feeling bad over this is weird of me and not normal

OK, this is unkind of him. Do you know what validation is? Do you understand how it works, and how it builds/breaks bonds? Do you understand self validation? You're going to need it, with a partner who sees you like this.

Why do you need your feelings to be 'normal'? Where does your attachment to 'normal' come from? Why couldn't it be 'My feelings are unusual on this, but my husband respects them, because he respects me'? Why does normality come into it?

So, OP's feelings are nothing, you mean?

Essentially, yes. The “feelings” are completely irrational and abnormal. It is not incumbent on others to live outside social norms because of it.

where would it end? If she feels something else tomorrow which is irrational do people have to pander to that? And then the next day and the next?

This wouldn't bother me, but then I dont have body dysmorphia.

Many celebrities and famous people are good looking, that's their job 🤷‍♀️

Men tend to like doing this, I don't think it's appropriate and I don't think it's abnormal to feel bad about it to some degree.

Just remembering one of my exes who commented that he would saw his arm off with a rusty teaspoon just to be able to touch this one particular actress 🤮

If I said to my husband 'I have decided when you go to shop you are going to have an affair with the neighbour 5 doors down so you have to find another way to go'

To you the answer 'you are right I have to cross the street so I don't walk past the house'?

Yes sure I do. But my issue was never that he found someone else attractive. Of course he does that's normal and natural. My issue was that he decided to tell me about it and then when I said I don't want to hear about stuff like that it makes me feel bad, he acted like I was unreasonable and weird and noone else thinks like me. I just can't imagine deciding to tell him that I found another man hot actor or not. I just doesn't seem like thoughts that need airing outside of my brain especially to him.

Other people in other relationships do things differently? Well I never.

Op doesn't like it. Op has body dsymorphia. Op has told her husband why she's upset.

He should care about his wife's feelings more than blurting out a random actress is HOT.

Well this is the thing.

There's quite a few comments saying I made a big deal about nothing but tbh that's not really what happened. During the actual comment about the actress and the joke that followed what actually happened was that I just internally felt awful about how ugly I perceive myself to be and felt inadequate compared to the star. I didn't make a big deal about it though. I just went awkward and quiet for a while. He noticed and said "you arnt actually jealous are you' which drew attention to it and made it even worse, because I was trying to be cool about it but internally I felt really bad so I said it just made me feel bad, so he made that joke and I just felt worse but I didn't make a big thing of it at all.

Then when I was about to leave 2 hours later he brought it up again. It sounded like he was going to joke about it again and I said I didn't really want to make a thing about that again but he pushed it so I thought if I explained it would help, so I just explained that I know it's a me issue and also I don't really care that he finds someone else hot but like I just really don't want to know or hear about it because I spend a huge amount of my time internally comparing myself to other people due to my body dysmorphia and telling me he finds this person hot is triggering as it gives me a particular person to compare myself to and feel inadequate about. I said I just didn't get the point of telling me those thoughts. I went into quite a lot of vulnerable depth about my body dysmorphia as I thought we were chatting and he was being supportive.

But he then get annoyed and said that was really weird of me and no other women think like that and now he feels bad for doing something completely normal and it wasn't ok for me to make him feel bad for doing something completely normal. I started to cry and said just leave it I wish I'd never shared all that as it was vulnerable and it wasn't to make him feel bad I shared it because he instigated a conversation about it and I thought an explanation as to why I'd felt bad and gone a bit off for a while would help.

Then he got annoyed and told me to go to bed.

I just feel like it isn't really my fault I find this stuff so triggering and I had tried to not make a big deal about it but then he brought it up again. Like I never really asked for him to comment on this women's looks and then I never asked for him to bring it up with me later on. I would have been happier to have never brought it up again.

Also as a general rule:

Not wanting your partner to feel attracted to anyone ever again = irrational and impossible

Not wanting your partner to state verbally to you that he finds another woman attractive = a perfectly reasonable request

My dh sometimes passes comments about attractive actresses and I do the same when an attractive actor comes on screen. It is not something that I really think deeply about tbh.
Op, I get the impression that even if he stops commenting about attractive actress you will still have an issue as you will then start to suspect that he is thinking about these women and hiding it from you.

Not just men. I do sometimes point it out if I find someone particularly attractive or my 'type' equally I don't get upset if my partner mentions it. We're just human 🤷🏻‍♀️.